I knew I liked Walter and had a connection at our first meeting, and even then, really felt like it was God. But something that really clinched it for me happened on our first date. Something that, in and of itself, might seem funny. In fact, it kind of is funny!
To properly explain, I have to back up. Several years earlier, I had encountered someone while doing ministry. I will refer to this gentleman as Pastor Max.
Pastor Max taught very deep biblical lessons. Over the three or four summers he was our ministry's camp devotional leader, I heard him teach on the 23rd Psalm, the book of Joshua, and Paul's epistle of the Philippians. It was all very in-depth, and left everyone with a greater understanding of God's word. However, while the actual teaching itself was very biblical, the way he would apply it was unrealistic and angry.
One time, he told the youth it was wrong to be angry at others, and if they were angry, it showed they were really the ones in sin. Of course, this teaching goes against Ephesians 4;26, "Be angry and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath." The Bible teaches (in several places) the right way to express and handle anger. It never condemns simply being angry. Sometimes there's a good reason to be angry!
As Pastor Max continued to teach, everyone hung on his every word, almost elevating him to a position of lordship (little L!). As I said, his interpretation of the Bible was correct, but the way he applied was a little off. Most of his themes were along the same lines as what I expressed above. The application was basically, "It's all your fault. You don't have a right to own your feelings. You sinned somewhere. If you do what's right, everyone else will too. To see the problem is to be the problem."
I could only take this so long. I felt he was giving the kids a wrong message, yet they were too duped to see it. Legalism can appear attractive. My second summer under his ministry, I felt I should say something. I didn't wish to be challenging or rude. I didn't know when or how to approach him. Perhaps I just misunderstood him. But I wanted to understand where he was coming from. One day, his message was about forgiving. Sounds good, except his application to the teens was, "If you're offended with someone, it's really your fault that person did anything to you in the first place. You caused it! Nothing is ever one person's fault. Ever!" Then he gave a time for questions and answers. So, as politely as I could, I raised my hand from my place in the back of the room (where the staff all sat). He called on me.
"Sir," I said, "What you're sharing really intrigues me, and I want to be sure I understand it correctly. So are you saying that it's never the other person's fault completely? That in no circumstance is it ever one person's responsibility?"
His face took on a look of complete rage. "You know what?" he spat out vehemently. "Yes it can be one person's fault! It's all your fault! If there's a problem, you caused it! To call something else out means deep down, you really did it!"
It took a second for it to sink it that he was attacking me. But this couldn't be right, could it? What about cases where someone abused a child? By his logic, it was the child's fault, and I knew this was wrong. I felt so embarrassed. But I had to clarify. I was committed now. "So if a person broke into my house, robbed me, and harmed my property, and then I called the police and he got arrested, I'm really at fault that he broke in in the first place?"
"I'm not talking about that!" he lashed out. "I'm talking about how it's a sin to confront people! If you confront someone, it really means it was your fault to start out with!"
I could have said a lot. First, if his logic was true, then it would carry over and be true in the context of someone breaking into my home and me calling the police. After all, isn't calling the police on a burglar a sort of confrontation? Secondly, though, saying that confrontation is a sin is incorrect. Matthew chapter 18 gives a perfect guideline for confronting. Jesus wouldn't have given that guideline if confrontation was a sin. I have found that those who are ultra-against confronting and act all spiritual about it are really people who like control and don't want to be questioned or brought to account. But anyway, I didn't say another word. My feelings were hurt, and I was humiliated. I got no sympathy from anyone, because they all ate out of Pastor Max's hand.
After that was calmed down, a teenage boy raised his hand. "Yes?" Pastor Max called on him.
"Well, sir, you're a pastor. I am interested in that. How do you recognize if God is calling you into the ministry?"
I felt this was a good question. This boy was probably seriously thinking about the direction of his life, and God's call to him. This was Pastor Max's big chance to impact him positively.
Pastor Max looked at the boy with disdain. "You look around!" He shot back. What was that supposed to mean? It came off as insulting to the boy. I felt bad for him.
Yet after all this, everyone still practically worshiped him unconditionally. No one was critically analyzing what he was actually saying.
In a staff meeting, I shared that I felt uncomfortable with Pastor Max. Everyone jumped on me and told me to stop "judging" (probably the most misused accusation in American Christianity). So, I had just been told everything was all my fault, and yet I was judgmental?
I worried about this. Was I really wrong? Was there a reason I was the only one who saw Pastor Max this way? Did I have a critical spirit? I didn't want to. I prayed and really asked God to help me, but I couldn't make myself agree with Pastor Max's application to scriptures. It was inconsistent with the God I knew, and the Bible I daily read and memorized.
What I had no idea of was that, twenty miles away, in Pastor Max's church, was my future husband Walter. Man, if I had known it, I would have high-tailed it over there! Not only that, but Walter was facing the same rude-but-spiritual-sounding treatment I had faced. So was his family. So was the mutual friend who would introduce Walter and me.
I moved on in my life. Pastor Max wasn't a very important person in my further experiences.
So, as Walter and I sat down at the Queen Bean coffee shop during our first date, we got to chatting (we had chatted at our first meeting some days earlier, and over the phone since, but we were still getting acquainted). Through this conversation, I discovered he had attended Pastor Max's church back during the time when I had known him. I wondered if Walter worshiped at his feet the way everyone else seemed to. Would I feel like I was the judgmental one all over again?
"So," I ventured, "What did you think of Pastor Max?"
Without hesitation, this spiritual man who loved the Lord with all this heart replied, "Oh, he's a jackass!"
Shocked but validated, I burst out laughing. This was a defining moment for me. It told me Walter had discernment and didn't play games of pretend. I knew I could trust this man to see things clearly, and take my concerns seriously. And for these deeper reasons, I truly went from being "in like" to "in love".
Please understand that I am not putting Pastor Max down. I honestly have no idea what was going on in his heart or mind when all this was happening. He is still preaching last I heard, and I wish him God's very best. I am simply disagreeing with some of his statements, and expressing my own past feelings of anxiety from when I felt I was the only one who saw it, and wondered if I was crazy. Over the years, many Christian groups I have been a part of called people "judgmental" when they brought up stuff no one else wanted to deal with. It's easier to accuse than to really examine honestly. So having Walter validate my experiences like that meant a lot. I am thankful to have a husband who sees the truth.
