Biggest Regret to Biggest Triumph

     Thirty-two years ago today (December 31, 1991), I made a decision (which was really a non-decision) that is one of my biggest regrets to date.  Exactly a year and a half later (June 27-July 3, 1993), I had one of my best triumphs, which has led to everything in my life that came after, including adopting our son.  How did I go from one to the other?

1992, about halfway between the two incidents.  I'm the taller one.

     December 31, 1991, "I wish I could ground you for the rest of your life!"  My dad told me.  "I would ask you every day as long as we both lived, 'Why did you do it?'"  I imagined myself as a very old woman, trying to justify what I had done, and it sounded stupid in my mind, just as my excuses now sounded stupid.  

    I'm a pretty strong-minded person, and most of the sins and errors in my life tend to be in areas of stubbornness.  This time was different.  I had given in to peer pressure--one of the only times in my life, actually.  But it was bad.  

     I had saved up my money all year, doing odd jobs around the neighborhood and squirreling away my allowances.  A few days after Christmas, I had bought a brand-new bicycle.  It was the bike of my dreams.  I was thrilled, and very proud of it.  Earlier on New Years Eve, I had been out riding my new bike.  A friend who lived across the street (I'll call her Tiffany*) came over to visit, but when I wasn't there, she left a note for me in our open garage to come by her house when I got home.  I did, but by that time, she had some company over, so she was no longer available.  I just left the note sitting in the garage, on top of our guinea pig cage.  

     Not longer after this, I received four visitors.  Two were regular friends of mine, Lindsay and Sarah.  The other two, who were hanging out with them, I'll call Jennifer* and Amanda*.  Jennifer and Amanda were sisters, and were very popular in the neighborhood.  I knew them from just living in that community, but we weren't close friends (nor were we enemies).  They were hanging out with Lindsay and Sarah, and the four of them decided to come over and see my new bike. In our small neighborhood, word had gotten around that I had bought this cool bike, and they came by to see it.  I admit I was very flattered.  While these girls were hanging out with me in our garage, Jennifer saw the note Tiffany had left me earlier.  

     "What a stupid note!"  She said, holding it up.  As if to make her point, she read it aloud, and she and Amanda began laughing.  I didn't see the humor at all.  I explained that Tiffany had invited me over, but by the time I found her note, she was no longer available. 

 

     "What's wrong with her?  Why did she write you the note in the first place?  She should have just checked in with you later.  This was a mean note.  She was trying to get you to ditch us and go with her."

     "No she wasn't," I explained.  "You hadn't even come over when she wrote it.  And she was just inviting me.  She wasn't trying to get me to ditch anyone."  

     But Jennifer and Amanda kept arguing with me about how Tiffany had been mean to leave the note.  Over time, Lindsay and Sarah started to agree with them and threw in their two-cents.  To get them to move on, I finally shrugged and said, "Okay, the note was mean.  So what?"

     Jennifer then said I needed to write her a note, telling her not to write me notes anymore.  Do you see how stupid that is?  And hypocritical?  I fought them for about twenty minutes, but I finally gave in and wrote the note.  They wanted me to say a bunch of mean things in it, but I wouldn't.  The finished product basically said, Dear Tiffany, next time just come to my front door instead of leaving a note in the garage, because it could accidentally hurt someone's feelings.  Love Janelle.  Totally stupid, but not mean toward her.  

     "Now you need to go give it to her!"  Jennifer said.  

     We went and found Tiffany and her company playing in our neighborhood park.  I gave her the note, and the other four girls all laughed as we left.  I'm sure it seemed like a mean girl thing.  

     We went back and hung out in my garage, when Tiffany came to me.  "My mom wants to talk to you," she said.  I kind of knew I was in trouble.  I followed Tiffany (my so-called "friends" waited in the garage for me).  Tiffany's mother was livid, telling me I was never allowed to come to their house again, and how I was mean, etc.  I was kind of scared, because she was yelling at me in a way thats seemed out of proportion to the situation (and, getting ahead of myself, within two days, she relented and let Tiffany still be friends with me).  I can understand her Mama Bear coming out.  Even though I hadn't said anything unkind in the note, it probably came across that we ganged up on Tiffany.  I don't really blame her.  

     When she had said I wasn't allowed in their home anymore, I ran out the door and went home, where my dad was waiting for me.  He sent my "friends" in the garage home, and made me come in, where he continued the lecture Tiffany's mom had started.  

      The whole situation was stupid.  I was wrong to give into Jennifer and Amanda.  I should have just told them to take a hike.  They flattered me about my new bike, and I gave in.  As I sat in my room that evening, I thought, It's almost a new year.  I'm not going to do stuff like that in 1992.  I'm going to do better.  I never hung out with Jennifer and Amanda again.  My friendship with Sarah and Lindsay was kind of a fickle pre-teen friendship that really didn't last anyway.  I went out of my way to include and hang out with Tiffany in the coming months, until their family eventually moved.  

     Fast forward to summer of 1993.  I had the chance to attend youth camp.  I was different from the girl who had given into peer pressure.  I was sensitive to others.  I was deep, and tried to do right.  God had gotten a deeper hold on me.  I wanted to follow God's plan for my life.  I knew some of that included being at camp.

     When I first arrived at camp, I was befriended by two girls my age who were a lot of fun.  We really hit it off and had a lot in common. I really though I'd hang out with them all week.  But then, a few hours later, some new campers arrived.  One was another girl in our cabin, whom I'll call Lisa*.  Lisa was bright and beautiful, but had been through a lot of hurt.  She was in foster care.  Some of the others at camp began picking on her, initiated by some of the kids from her church group.  Even though I had a lot in common with these other girls, and I still considered them friends that week, I knew God was calling me to befriend Lisa, and show her God's love.  So I was her friend.  I spent all our free time together.  I listened to her, and I cried about the things she had been through.  I defended her against a few very mean girls from her church who wanted to spread rumors about her.  

     That week at camp, Lisa gave her life to the Lord, and I was able to see growth in her life in later years at camp, when we'd run in to each other again.  

     How did I go from being a preteen who gave into peer pressure to a youth who stood up to it, and defended a hurting friend?  What changed me?

     The school year between the two incidents, my closets friends (who were basically my security) all moved away within a short time.  I was the one being left out, and I had a teacher who disliked me and was hard on me.  I was lonely and insecure.  In the quiet of that time, I hungered for God.  I wanted to know and follow His plans.  I became compassionate, and by the time that camp rolled around, I was ready for what God had in store.  God used that hard time of loneliness in my life to make me more like Jesus.  God also used that week at camp in 1993 to sow a seed that would bloom 30 years later, when we adopted our little boy Tommy.  Second Corinthians 4:17 says, For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.  I can't even imagine all the ways God works, equipping us for what He has in store.  Look at that hard times in your life, and see what He was producing in you!  

This Present Darkness

     B-R-R-R-R-R-ING!  The telephone beside the bed jarred me awake in the wee hours that cold December morning, just a few days before Christmas.  Before I even lifted the receiver to my ear, I knew this call had to do with the battle...

     I will return to this story...

      For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  Ephesians 6:12

     It is so easy to forget where the real battle is.  It is so easy to become angry at other people, when in reality, they are not our enemies.  Think of the person on this planet you disagree with the most.  Maybe some well-known world leader you think is dead wrong (and maybe they are dead wrong).  That person is not your enemy.  Maybe it's someone who has hurt you in a personal way, or hurt your family in a personal way.  That person is not your enemy.   

     Satan and his demonic followers are the real enemies.  Sometimes it's hard to remember who you're really fighting, because you can't see Satan, but you can see the problems he creates.  Satan and his demons would love to distract you by making you mad at other humans while they continue with their dirty work.  What is their dirty work?  Jesus said in John 10:10 that the thief (meaning Satan) comes to steal, kill and destroy.  We also know from John 8:44 that Satan is a liar, and the father of lies and has no truth in him.  From the very beginning, in Genesis 3, Satan has been getting people to doubt God.  He has had thousands of years to perfect his methods.  An example was given to me that compared demonic attacks to police profiling.  Police have profiles of different types of criminals that they use to catch criminals.  The enemy can't read your mind, but he can profile God's people, and perfect his attacks to hit you just the way he needs to render you ineffective.  He wants to keep people out of the kingdom of God, but once someone is a believer, he wants to ruin their effectiveness.  And he's had a lot of practice.  If you've ever felt a very personal attack, you are not alone.  Satan has done this to Christians all over the world, all throughout history.  People don't really change.  It comforts me to imagine someone hundreds of years ago serving the Lord, being hit with a similar dart to the one I might have been hit with, having the same struggle, and yet moving forward in victory anyway.  

     If the last paragraph scares you, take heart.  There are several things to be encouraged about.  First of all, there are twice as many angels on God's side as their are demons on Satan's (see Revelation 12:4, which is about how 1/3 of the angels followed Satan at his rebellion.  This mathematically means 2/3 stayed with God, leading us to logically conclude that the ratio of angels to demons is 2:1).  Second, Jesus has all the power (Mathew 28:19).  Third, Satan will ultimately lose and be thrown into the Lake of Fire forever (Revelation 20:10).   Fourth, Jesus has already won over the powers of darkness (Colossians 2:15--He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.).  Fifth, we have the armor of God to stand against the schemes of the devil (Ephesians 6:11).  Sixth, if we are submitted to God, we have the authority to resist Satan, and he has to flee (James 5:7).  

     Back to the first paragraph I started out with, I received an early-morning call.  It turned out to be from a teenager girl from my church.  Two days earlier, I had given her a new Bible as an early Christmas present.  She already had my phone number, but for reasons I didn't even understand, I felt compelled to write my home number on the inside cover of the Bible.  As I handed it to her, I said (again, not sure why), "If you need anything, you can call me any hour of the day or night."  I didn't expect anything to come of it, but I only had to wait two days.  The call ended up being from this beautiful young woman. She was crying, and told me they were being attacked.  

     Instantly alert, I sat up in bed.  "Attacked?"  All the previous day, I had felt a deep oppression in my spirit.  I felt condemnation.  My brain was awash with guilt for ways I could have done certain things differently in past situations (even if those things weren't sinful).  Voices from people in past battles told me I wasn't good enough and never would be.  Certain things that hurt me long ago became present struggles again.  I couldn't breathe.  So now, hours later, after only a little bit of fitful sleep, I was instantly wide awake, feeling validation.  Something real was going on.  

     The gist of the story was, this girl from church had a friend spending the night, and this friend started manifesting a demon, and confessed to being a witch, having asked Satan to control her life.  I ended up going down there.  It's hard for me to describe everything from that time, but Jesus was victorious, and this demon (whom I did see) knew he was defeated.  The Holy Spirit had the power in that room.  I know there were angels in there, outnumbering the demon(s).  I felt boldness I didn't really possess, but it was the strength of the Lord, spoken of in Ephesians 6:10.  

     After the victory, I went home, and was suddenly exhausted--for weeks.  I struggled with overwhelmed feelings I couldn't explain, and complete fatigue.  But God had been that strength when I needed Him to be so much in that battle.  

     We don't always know the battles we're winning.  Sometimes, all we see is the battle in our lives.  C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters give an insightful quote about the troughs (valleys of difficulty) and peaks (times of goodness): “Now, it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, [God] relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favorites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else... It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles.”

     Those moments of difficulty that seem like defeat are actually victories in God's eyes.  I remember during one of the darkest times of my life, someone on the radio made the statement that we see in parts, but God sees the whole story, and I clung to that for all I was worth.  If you are feeling defeated today, take heart.  Jesus has overcome, and so will you.  For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. (First John 5:4).  Don't quit before the miracle!  God has plans for you!