Infactuated

     Have you ever gotten infatuated with a fictional character?  Maybe it was an actor/actress you found physically attractive, or maybe it was a character they portrayed.  As a teenager, I often got crushes on men in books, and occasionally in other media.  Sweet and intellectual types touched my heart.  Likewise, a good friend of mine always fell for the "bad boy" in any story.  My first fictional crush that I can recall was on Linus, from the Peanuts comics (I was in kindergarten).  Linus is still my favorite Peanut, but the feelings aren't quite the same as they were when I was five!

     In a sense, connecting with fictional characters can be helpful.  They can help a person understand themselves, and what type of personalities they relate to.  If the fictional object of the crush is godly and admirable, they can serve as roll models for what an unmarried person wants to find in their future spouse.    That's what fictional characters are supposed to do for us in any event.  Give us something higher to aim for.  We interact with them.  We learn and grow with them.  We see ourselves in them.  They can validate us.  This is all a good thing.  But actual infatuation must have its limits.

     For one thing, fiction is fiction.  It isn't real.  It is easy for writers to develop characters who seem perfect to us.  This can create unrealistic expectations.  In real life, people aren't as romantic as they are in movies or books.  Real life is actually better and more wonderful, but it doesn't mirror fiction.  In hoping and praying for a future spouse, find things you like in fictional characters, but don't put expectations on a real spouse to live up to everything the fictional character does. This is true not only in romance, but in other relationships as well.  Some novels I've read about friendship, or family love between parents and adult children are a lot more intense than my own relationships in these areas.  This doesn't mean my friendships or relationships with my parents aren't beautiful and real.  It means that the authors were able to put a lot of intensity into their work (Karen Kingsbury, anyone?).  It reflects more on their ability to create a scene than on my ability to love others.  Let those in your life be human, not dictated by what fictitious characters do.  Having said that...

   Here is where I am going to step on a few toes.  If you are married, there is NO REASON to indulge a crush on anyone besides your spouse...real or fictional.  It might seem harmless, especially if they aren't even real or attainable.  Scripture indicates otherwise, though.  Genesis 2:24 clearly tells us the purpose for creating us male and female and giving us those attractions. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.  Nothing in there about pining away after someone...which is what infatuation is.  The ultimate plan is marriage.  This is why I refused to go out with guys in high school or college who didn't have real intentions.  Crushes are part of growing up, finding your spouse, falling in love, and getting married--part, but not the summation.  Even those who never marry get crushes.  It's part of being human.  But indulging a crush with no future is harmful.  It harms your heart.  It can harm other relationships.  I have been the object of some crushes, and they ended in hurt for me, because those who had the crushes on me didn't have any real commitment to me, just their own self-centered emotions.  They weren't able to keep their infatuation with me to themselves, so it gave me hope that maybe this was the one...only to discover that they didn't care about my heart, just their own.  Only my husband Walter went beyond a crush to real love.    A crush isn't the end result.  Please note I am not condemning crushes, just the indulging of them in a sinful way.  Single people are in a unique type of battle to guard their hearts.  But married people are in the same battle, from another angle.

     Love is a lifelong commitment.  It's a choice we make, whether we feel warm fuzzies or not.  Love is about the other person's needs.  Being committed to them.  Feelings definitely come with the territory, but they aren't the biggest part.  Choosing love no matter what is a real commitment.  That's the kind of love Jesus has for us.  This is a far cry from infatuation.  Infatuation is all about ourselves.  How we feel.  How we see ourselves.  How this person (or fictional character) validates us.  Love and infatuation are very different.  You can feel infatuated with a movie star, but unless you know them personally, you can't have that kind of love for them.  And fictional characters are absolutely out of the question.  On the other hand, infatuation can turn into love.  That is why, if you are married, your infatuation needs to be kept for your spouse.

     In Exodus 20:14, we read God's seventh commandment,  Thou shalt not commit adultery.  God wants us to be faithful to our spouses.  How far does this go?  Jesus told us that in the New Testament.  Matthew 5:28 says, But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.  Jesus was talking to a male audience here, so he talked about a man looking at a woman in lust.  But the same would be true for a woman fantasizing about a man.  Jesus said this was adultery.  No actual affair has happened, but in the heart, it may as well have.  God views lust as unfaithfulness to one's spouse.  Pretty serious stuff.

     What are we supposed to do with this?  Is it wrong to think someone is attractive?  No.  But God gives us some directions.  Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  (Proverbs 4 23).  We need to be on our guard.  Temptations are always available.  First Peter 5:8 warns, Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.  Satan is trying to destroy us...our lives, our walk, our faith, our testimony.  Flirting with sin (and those besides your spouse) gives Satan ground.  Seeing someone in real life or in a fictional media who seems attractive to us isn't wrong at all.  There are some likable, attractive people out there.  But letting those benign feelings of thinking they're attractive become an infatuation is surrendering to the beginning of an affair...even if it never becomes a physical affair.  A pastor I knew often said, "If I'm driving down the street and I notice a scantily-clad woman and even think she's attractive, that isn't a sin.  But if I circle the block to get another look, that's the sin." 

     Okay, so we're supposed to be on guard..  How do we do that?  The Bible answers that too.  And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. (Matthew 5 30).  God doesn't mince words here.  If something is a stumbling block, get it out of your life at all costs.  Stop watching that show, reading that book, etc.  I have stopped watching certain programs because they were stumbling blocks to me in specific seasons of my life.  At another time later on, sometimes these shows weren't stumbling blocks anymore, and I could watch them again.  But when something is causing a stumbling block, remove it.  These are drastic measures, but they're God's will for us. 

     I have been surprised and disappointed lately by a multitude of mature Christian women (who are married) talking about their celebrity crushes on Facebook.  One such woman told me that if Tom Selleck walked through the door, she'd leave her husband for him.  This is very saddening (not to mention ridiculous, considering the odds of Tom Selleck walking through the door, actually noticing her, liking her, and wanting to leave his own wife for her are astronomical).  Marriage is meant to be forever.  It isn't sometimes, but that is God's ideal. God would have us guard our hearts.  A different woman, someone in ministry, whom I have admired for a long time, posted on Facebook the name of her celebrity crush, and asked all her friends to share theirs in the comments.  It broke my heart to see these married Christian women naming celebrities they have a crush on.  That was not an edifying exercise at all.  Philippians 4:8 says we should be thinking about what is true, honorable, righteous, pure and lovely.  I have found that the more I choose to love my husband, the more I enjoy him.  It then follows that the more I enjoy him, the more I find myself admiring fictional characters who remind me of him.  I don't get infatuated by these characters.  I don't dwell on them beyond the viewing/reading time.  I just admire the traits that remind me of my wonderful husband.  My favorite fictional couple right now actually reminds me of us, so it's fun, not an infatuation.  As I said, fictional characters can help us see ourselves, and become our "friends" in a sense. 

     In preparing to write this blog post, I talked with my husband about this, and he said that the last celebrity crush he had was as a single young man.  It was on a model who was in her thirties then, but is clearly quite a bit older now.  He said that he might think a particular actress is attractive for what she brings to a part, but it isn't a crush or any emotional tie.  That's the difference between simply seeing an attractive person and giving ground to the enemy.

I am pictured with my husband, Walter.  I am so thankful for him.

     Ultimately, only God can fulfill our heart's deepest longings.  I'm thankful to have learned that lesson long before marriage.  A spouse is the most important person in one's life, but expecting them to perfectly fulfill us in every way is impossible.  It's unfair to them and setting ourselves up for disappointment.  Sometimes, unmet expectations are the grounds for these affairs of the heart.  When we are letting God be our Joy-Giver, we are free to love our spouses (and others) without expecting anything in return.  This way, whether married or single, it is possible to be completely satisfied.  Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore. (Proverbs 16:11)