I find that, while I eventually came full circle to agree with the teaching I was given all my life, we need to be better equipped at understanding a few things. These are having a realistic view of conflict, a healthy sense of responsibility, and a clear understanding of what forgiveness is.
CONFLICT
Too often, conflicts are simplified, and the underlying issues are minimized. When I was a kid and my siblings and I would fight, my dad would tell us, "Knock it off!" That might work for children fighting over unimportant things that will soon be forgotten. Sometimes, though, that same approach is used for complex adult conflicts (worth noting, some children's problems are complex as well, and need more than "knock it off").
I have heard leaders advise those in conflict to "turn the other cheek" or "give preference to others," or even say things like, "If you have a problem with someone, you should look in the mirror, because you're really the problem." Sometimes, real, genuine issues aren't really addressed, and resentment can set in. I remember one time, on a mission trip, a very big conflict erupted that had been festering for a long time, due to resentment and unresolved issues. Those in charge saw the conflict, and just let the loudest and most manipulative person tell her side, and then lectured everyone else about how we weren't loving enough and how we all needed to love each other more. There was a major lack of discernment there.
Did you notice most of these misapplied ideas are basically biblical? Jesus Himself told us to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39). Romans 12:10 says to give preference to one another. There is nothing wrong with examining yourself in a conflict (I'll address that). And yes, we should love each other more. So, all of this advice given is correct in it's own way. The problem is, it's being misused to just shut people up, instead of really addressing the source of the conflict, and bring about lasting peace. Also, these biblical and virtuous phrases can be completely abused and a means to assign blame to the person facing the brunt of the problem.
People in the Bible had conflicts, even godly people. Paul and Barnabas split ways because of a sharp disagreement. (Acts 15:36-41). Later, in the epistles, Paul refers to Barnabas in a positive light. Clearly, they needed to go their separate ways, but emotions apparently cooled, and they esteemed each other. In the book of Philippians, Paul encourages two Christian women in the church, Euodias and Syntyche, to make amends (Philippians 4:2-3). In this case, a parting wasn't called for. Paul just told them to be of the same mind. These passages indicate that it is very normal for people--even strong Christians--to have conflicts. These scriptures also tell us that different conflicts require different solutions. There isn't a "one size fits all" in dealing with conflict. Using trite quotes like "look in the mirror," or "love each other more," are the equivalent of putting a band-aid on an infected wound. It might help stop some initial bleeding, but doesn't go to the source or truly solve anything. It doesn't heal the infection.
RESPONSIBILITY
All right...we have accepted that conflicts are normal and need specific solutions. What now? This is the time to determine your own responsibility in the conflict, as well as the other person's. It is also a time to deal with the pain you've experienced. You need to take inventory of the situation. What is your "side of the street" so to speak, and what isn't? It is very rare that one person is 100% at fault. Maybe you're only 5% at fault, but that's still something to consider. In order to even determine where your fault lies, you need to take stock of the situation. Lamentations 3:40 says, Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord.
Write out an inventory of the conflict. I am going to explain this in terms of writing in paragraphs, but you can divide a sheet of paper into five columns as well. Just so these five steps are separate and distinct in a way that works for you.
Step one, first write the person's name that you are conflicting with. Example: Joe Schmo.
Step two, after you have done this, start a new paragraph, and write out the cause--that is, what the person did. Example: Made false assumption about my motives without talking to me and asking. Made incorrect remarks about my character as a result of these assumptions. Refused to allow me to explain. Put me down in front of others. This paragraph is just the facts. You wouldn't write at this step: He humiliated me. He infuriated me. At that point, there is no emotion behind it yet. That comes next. This paragraph is just the literal facts of what this person did.
Step three, start another new paragraph, and write out the effect--that is, what the result of their actions were. Example: There is now awkwardness in our ministry. Sides have been taken. Some people are on my side and some are on Joe's. The ministry isn't as effective. One person was turned away from Christ as a result of seeing our conflict. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that Joe still thinks so little of me and my motives and still hasn't let me explain..
Step four, start yet another new paragraph. Write out the damage that has resulted to you (physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually, sexually, etc.). Example: I'm socially outcast among those who took Joe's side. My trustworthiness is now in question among others in the ministry. I no longer get joy out of serving the Lord in this capacity.
Step five is the hardest part. Up until now, you have focused on the other person's wrongs in the situation, and how they affected you. Now, upon starting a new paragraph, you are going to write about your part. More often then not, there is some fault on both sides (there are exceptions, such as children being abused). Maybe in your situation, the blame is 50-50. Maybe it's 95-5. It's time to examine that. And just because the other person may bear more of the responsibility doesn't mean you're off the hook. This isn't the time to compare your sins to theirs. It's time to face responsibility. Write out what you did. If you're having trouble, ask the Lord to reveal the truth to you. He always does. Example: When working on ministry planning for summer, I didn't ask for others' input. I never invited Joe or others to be involved in the planning, even though I knew they wanted to contribute. After Joe passed judgment on me, I have encouraged the conflict to go on by acting sullen and passive-aggressive toward him and those who agree with him.
Still part of step 5, after you have determined where your responsibility lies, in the same paragraph, ask yourself these questions: What character defect did I demonstrate? In the example I've been using, the person might conclude, Pride and/or fear. I don't know. This is a made-up scenario (I hope no one's real name is Joe Schmo!). After determining your character defect in the situation, ask another question: Who do I need to make amends with? In the example I've been using here, The obvious answer would be Joe and others. Then go make amends (unless doing so would further harm that person, yourself, or someone else). Matthew 5:23-24 is very clear about this: Therefore, if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering. As soon as you realize your fault, make it right on your end.
When you make amends with someone, you are not taking responsibility for their part. You are taking responsibility for yours. This may prompt the other person to also acknowledge their fault, and lead to total restoration, truly making things right on all sides. That is what we would hope for. On the other hand, the other person may accept your amends without acknowledging their own wrongs toward you. That is hard on the ego, but you will still have done the right thing, and the other person's sin is between them and God. Their lack of responsibility for their part will disable your ability to have total restoration, but you can probably still politely interact with them when needed. In still other cases, the person might not think your apology goes far enough. They may try to pin their sins onto you, or throw cheap shots at you. Don't accept that. Just make right what is truly your fault, but do not take on their sins. This may lead to a permanent rift, but that isn't your fault. You can move forward in freedom. You'll feel a lot better. Since the only person you can control is you, making things right doesn't necessarily lead to "kiss and make up."
As I alluded to, there are cases when making amends would be more harm than help. You need to determine that based on the situation. If you're dealing with a small part you played in a conflict with a very unreasonable person, trying to make amends for the small part you played could be emotionally harming yourself. There are other situations where tender feelings or deep hurts are involved, and you might be treading on thin ice. Also, if the other person doesn't know you sinned against them, it may be a good idea to keep that between you and God. Our pastor's wife used to share a story where this woman at church that she thought was a friend came up to her after the service one day, gave her a hug, and said, "I need to apologize to you. I've hated you all this time and only pretended to be your friend. I want to be real friends now!" This woman walked away feeling great, but the pastor's wife was devastated, and went into depression for a while. That would be an example of a time when making amends could harm someone. We all have thoughts we shouldn't about others. Those should be given to the Lord, not to the person. Sometimes, confessing your sin to the Lord is enough. Each situation is unique, and we need God's guidance about whether or not to approach people.
The inventory is a helpful tool in working out issues in your own heart, and determining where responsibility lies. Romans 12:18 gives good insight into this. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. As far as we can, we should live peacefully with others. A lot of people simplify this by saying that God expects us to always get along with everyone, no matter what, and if we don't, we're the problem. That's not what this verse is saying. The fact that it starts with the word If indicates that it won't always be possible. The verse also has a qualifier. So far as it depends on you. We should be doing our part to get along, but as I stated above, it isn't 100% our responsibility. This verse recognizes that others might not do their part, and that can make having a peaceable relationship impossible. We're not in control of others. They all have a free will, and may choose wrongly. That's not on us. I refuse to take the guilt of other people's sin. I have enough of my own to let God work on in me. I don't need anyone else's!
FORGIVENESS
The Bible actually acknowledges that some people are our enemies. In light of Romans 12:18, I am led to believe that this is the case after we have done our part to try to have peace with them. The Bible never just leaves us to indulge bitterness against those who have made themselves our enemies. Jesus said to love our enemies, do good to them, bless them and pray for them (Luke 6:27-28). In Romans 12:19-21, right after we are told to live at peace, we are told Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing, you will heap coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Some good food for thought in dealing with so-called enemies. We try to live at peace. If that isn't possible, we're still to do good to them and pray for them. It doesn't mean we go overboard trying to be their best friend. That would be unhealthy. A woman I taught Sunday school with used to call that, "Loving them from a distance." That is wise, really.
There may be more to the situation than you know. God can work on both your heart and the other person's. Rest assured that no one really "gets away" with anything. If the person is a believer, he will give an account to God at the judgment seat of Christ, which we will all do. Second Corinthians 5:10 says, For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad. This is not talking about salvation, but about rewards we earn by our lives for the Lord. We'll all give an account to the Lord for the way we lived. There is much we are not told about this, but I believe this meeting with Christ is individual, one-on-one. When we give our account to God, we will agree completely with Him. None of us will have a prefect life to show. At that time all things will be right.
If the person who hurt you is an unbeliever, they have bigger problems to worry about. They will stand before the Great White Throne Judgment before being cast forever into the Lake of Fire, the second death. We shouldn't want that for anyone.
Truly, though, we shouldn't think of humans as our enemies. Ephesians 6:12 tells us, For our struggle is not against flesh and blood... Satan is the enemy. Our hearts should break for people who have made themselves his pawns. Regardless of what a human has done, Satan is your real enemy. Love people from a distance if necessary, but never lose sight of the real battle.
A lot of people act as if forgiveness means we pretend the conflict never happened, in some cases even allowing destructive behaviors to continue. This false view of forgiveness has led to bitterness. God never intended us to pretend away the things that have hurt our hearts. Those things shape who we are, and can work for our good if we let them. God doesn't want us to deny they happened. We need to be honest. The truth will set you free (John 8:32). As I said in the last section, we need to acknowledge them by writing an inventory of what happened. Only when we see the situation for what it really is can we choose forgiveness. I can't emphasize enough that you need never, ever submit to abuse or mistreatment. Abuse isn't just physical violence either.
Forgiveness doesn't always mean restoration. A few years ago, I was struggling to forgive someone, a fellow Christian woman. She and I had led some students in a Bible study together. We just didn't bring out the best in each other, and the three years we taught together were a time of real striving and struggle. Eventually, some things escalated. Sadly, she chose to lie about me in order to get me removed from this ministry. Was I angry? You'd better believe it! She tarnished my reputation in our small town. I lost friendships. Some real embarrassment and damaged happened in my life. Over time, God worked things for His best, and led me to places that I would never have been had it not been for this experience. Still, this woman never made any sort of amends with me. Due to the situation, I determined that it would be more harm than good to make amends for my parts in it. To this day, this woman and I have many friends in common. I was really struggling not to resent her. Then one day, God brought a sort of picture to my mind. This picture was of Jesus on the cross. The men were mocking him, and He just looked at them with the most love I had ever seen in anyone's eyes before. He loved them so greatly, and what they did was so much worse than this woman had done to me. He forgave them right then and there (Luke 23:34). I was ashamed of my own struggle to forgive. But then, the picture changed. Jesus was resurrected, visiting the disciples and others who had believed in Him--people who would make up the early church, and spend the rest of their lives spreading the gospel. These pictures that came to mind were consistent with scripture. As far as we know, Jesus never went back to those people who mocked him. He loved and forgave them, but then He moved on with His mission, and invested in those meant to carry it out. That gave me so much freedom in realizing that I never had to be friends with this woman. I never had to invest into her life. I can love and forgive with God's help, but my focus should be on those who help me carrying out my God-given mission. This woman's life is her business. Walk away from unsafe people. This isn't unforgiveness. It is freedom.
Wrapping it all up, conflicts are as complex as the people involved in them. Sometimes there is a simple resolution, and other times there isn't. Using trite little quotes doesn't get to the bottom of anything, nor does it bring lasting peace. Christians need to have a healthy view of these things, in order to truly forgive and move on to walk in victory!
Great thoughts on this delecate subject
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