Think of a book you've read--a true story, someone retelling their experience. Maybe you've read Corrie ten Boom's The Hiding Place. Or Maybe you've read a Presidential memoir, or some other celebrity's autobiography. These books can be interesting. Similarly, perhaps you've gone to an event where a speaker shared their story or testimony. When you read or hear someone's story, it is understood that you are hearing the story from their viewpoint. There are often other people mentioned in their story, however. Do those people matter? Do they have their own viewpoint of how that story went? Yes, and yes. For the sake of explanation, let's look at Corrie ten Boom's testimony.
If you haven't read The Hiding Place, Corrie was a Dutch woman--born in 1892. She grew up in a Christian family. Her father was a watchmaker, and she later became the first licensed female watchmaker in Holland. Later in her life, her family protected Jews during the Holocaust, and helped them get to safety. They had a secret room in their house. Corrie and her sister Betsy were caught, and taken to a concentration camp, where Betsy died. Miraculously, the Jews they were hiding at the time they were caught were never found, and reached safety! Corrie survived this experience, and for nearly forty years, she traveled the globe, sharing Christ with a lost world. She died on her 91st birthday in 1983. That is the gist of her story. As you read her book, though, there are a lot of interesting details. While she never married, she had a lost love story as a young woman. After pursuing her romantically for a long time, alluding to marriage, and showing a lot of attention to her, the young man one day showed up at her house with his fiancee. She was completely broken over that. She never got over him, and in the dark days of her captivity many years later, she dreamed of him. She told the story of this relationship--and all of her story--as she experienced it. She didn't jump into the other people's minds and try to see it from their view. She didn't go round them up and try to get their take on it to add to what she was sharing. No one would expect that. If someone is sharing his or her story, it should be a given that they are sharing it as they experienced it.
If we could somehow find out how Corrie's past boyfriend experienced that relationship, and hear his side of it, it might look different. To save his hide, I imagine he would deny ever pursuing Corrie romantically, and would say he thought they were "just friends" and that the romance was all in her head. Or maybe, if he were more honest, he would admit having had feelings for Corrie and acted on them, but knew his family would never approve (his family required him to marry for wealth). Regardless of what he said, and regardless of what he really believed about it deep down, that would not change the way Corrie experienced it. If we could somehow talk to the Nazis who persecuted her and her sister, would their story be different from Corrie's? I can't even begin to imagine what a Nazi soldier would say after the war was over. One of them (as was recorded in the book) became a Christian and asked Corrie's forgiveness, which she was able to give with God's help. There are all kinds of sides to everything, but it isn't our job to go into totally generic mode, put our own feelings completely aside, and neutrally represent everyone else in our stories. We aren't meant to tell it as a fly on the wall watching it all. We are an active participant in our story, and should tell it as such. Trying to be totally neutral isn't realistic, nor is it helpful. In saying that, I am not denying our need to look at the situation realistically, and be honest. As you move on from an experience, ask God for His perspective and understanding. ...there is no searching of His understanding. (Isaiah 40:28). Always tell the truth to the best of your ability. ...the truth will set you free. (John 8:32). Someone could make up atrocious lies and claim "That's how I experienced it!" and that is not in any way what I am advocating.
We are called to share our stories, and to do so in a way that glorifies the Lord. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. (Revelation 12:11--underlined emphasis mine). When we share our stories, our motive should be to help others and glorify God. If your motive is to bring someone else down, you are not ready to share. You need to heal up more, and that's okay. I believe everyone has been there. I experienced some difficulties when I was younger, and it was several years before I was able to write or speak about it in a public way. When I read my early writings, I can tell I wanted justice. It is true that God will make all things right if we surrender to His will, and no one really "gets away" with anything. But we need to leave that to Him, not ourselves. We can passive-aggressively try to get revenge in our sharing if we're not careful. But once you are at a place where you can share for the glory of God and the good of others, it is okay to do so, provided you consider a few things.
It is wise to change the names of individuals who might not wish to be named, or who might not play a good role in your story. Now, the Apostle Paul often rebuked and reprimanded individuals in his epistles, and he used their real names, and everyone know who he was talking about. Wouldn't that have been embarrassing? And yet it apparently wasn't a sin. Sometimes, when I read memoirs of well-known politicians, they share the way they experienced very public events that everyone knows about, and they do name those involved. These are all public people. They all knew the risk when they went into public life. It is unlikely that the people who play a supporting role in your story are famous or public figures, so respect their privacy by not using their real names if you don't have permission to do so, or if your sharing could make them look bad. You're not out to wreck their reputation (if you are, you're not ready yet).
Something else I am learning is that it can be wise to obscure certain other details, such as not mentioning what city or state an event happened in. That is an extra precaution, but isn't always a must. It is important to remember that you are not the other people's PR person. Corrie ten Boom wasn't trying to bring anyone down in her writing, but she wasn't trying to be overly sympathetic to those who had hurt her. That wasn't the point. Her goal was to share how she experienced these situations, and impart what God taught her. It wasn't her job to make sure her listeners didn't judge the young man who broke her heart, or the Nazis who abused her and killed her sister. Those people were all free to write their own books if they wanted. It wasn't Corrie's problem what conclusions others drew about them. She honestly shared her story.
It could be argued that it's wrong to talk about people who aren't there to defend themselves. Well, that only holds true to a point. If you're out there slandering people by name to others who know them, especially in a way that could harm their job, family or overall standing in the community, then I would agree that what you say should be balanced by their side of the story. This is also true if we're talking about a court of law. On the other hand, if you have obscured the names, and most of your audience doesn't know them anyway, then you've done all in your power to share honestly and still responsibly protect others. It isn't your job to make sure the people get a chance to defend themselves. It isn't your job to make them smell like a rose. If you share correctly, the other person or people in you story aren't the focus anyway. If you take precautions and someone still knows who you're talking about and recognizes the situation you're referring to, oh well. That isn't on you. It is perfectly fine to share how you experienced something. You are not defaming anyone in a public way that could harm them. Most people listening or reading won't know the person, after all. In this blog, I sometimes share experiences I've had with different ministries. Some readers recognize what I'm describing, but that doesn't mean most people will. I would venture to guess almost none of you would, and that isn't the point.
I asked several different sources their opinions about sharing one's personal story when other people are part of it. My friend Jamie, who often shares her testimony in the context of ministry, told me that she used to avoid using names, but as she has grown in her recovery, she now does share the first names of people. He listeners don't know the people she's talking about. Another source, Christian speaker and writer Jennifer Jill Schwirzer, shared that she doesn't use names unless she has allowed the other person to actually preview what she is writing or speaking on and then give her their permission. If she doesn't get that permission, she changes their name in sharing. It was she who also advised about obscuring other details, such as the location of an incident. Still others I have asked said they truly didn't know what their personal policy was about sharing their story in regards to others who were also involved, and took it on a case by case basis. It can be a process of trial and error. One friend shared an example of someone being very offended by her sharing, when she thought they would be flattered by what she had said.
Note, I said you are sharing how you experienced something. Maybe you experienced abuse. Maybe you experienced love. But it's your experience. You're not trashing people. You're sharing what you experienced. Keep that the focus. The focus isn't to bring anyone down. The focus isn't to get subtle revenge. It isn't the other person at all. It is to share your experience. If that can be done to the glory of God, go for it! As I already said, be honest!
As a teenager, my family experienced some hurt from a pastor. I am very guarded when I share this story, not because his reputation needs it, but because he also did a great deal of good, and I am friends with some of the people who were truly blessed by his ministry. In no way do I wish to undermine that. I share when it is appropriate to do so.
What if the person who was part of your story in a negative way has died? The pastor I mentioned in the previous paragraph is deceased now. Is it wrong to speak ill of the dead? You really shouldn't "speak ill" of anyone, living or dead. Ephesians 4:29 reminds us: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Furthermore, we are told in Ephesians 4:15 to speak the truth in love. You should speak truth in a kind way. If the truth happens to be that someone was wrong or sinful, that's what you share--as you experienced it. Part of doing it "in love" means you are not focusing on this person's problem, but only how it affected your experience. If it wasn't your experience, or if it isn't for the good of public interest, it isn't your business to share. Keep in mind that this person--whether they were a Christian or not--are no longer on earth to continue making mistakes, nor can they make any sort of amends for what they have done. If they are a Christian, they are perfect now, and would never do those things again. If not, they have much bigger problems than their part in your story. Have the right mindset, but still share. Sharing your story is important. If history didn't record the truth, we couldn't learn from it. Your story might be exactly what someone needs to hear. Second Corinthians 1:4 tells us that God comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. God can use your story to help other people who have been hurt. That is a true victory! A quote I read that I really loved was this: Your story could be the key that unlocks someone else's prison. That is why we share!
Your story matters for another reason as well. It matters for you. It is healing to share. Sometimes, hurtful things happen, and when you get to the point where you can share it without bitterness, you are blessed. Some situations are very dysfunctional, with people gaslighting you and telling you that you didn't experience what you did. Even assuming for a moment that you interpreted something differently that someone else, what makes them say your experience was less accurate than theirs? No one has the right to say that to you. Even if you took something very differently than someone meant it, you still experienced it the way you did, and no one can or should try to explain that away from you. In cases of abuse, this very often happens, and it is so wrong. You can't heal from something if you're not allowed to even own it. I experienced some hurt as a young women from a guy who was rather out-of-control in his pursuit of me. For several years, I was not able to even own what had happened, because everyone kept trying to explain that away from me. That delayed my healing. Coming to terms with things that happen to you, and then being able to share them to help others, shows that God is at work in you.
In closing, here are some tips for sharing your story:
Use I and me statements, not you and we.
Keep your sharing focused on yourself, how you experienced something, and on what God has done in your life.
While your sharing may encourage and support other people, do not attempt to fix others. Only God can do that.
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