Birthday Lessons

      Today, February 4, 2022, I am forty years old.  As I think back on the lessons God has taught me in my Christian life over the years, I can't help but think that one of the most important lessons I learned took place thirty years ago today, on my tenth birthday, February 4, 1992.     

February 4, 1992--double digits at last!  I'm opening my presents from my siblings as my kid sister happily looks on.  My parents' main present to me was to be allowed to call long-distance to my friend in Colorado.  I wish I still had those encyclopedias to the right, under our VCR.  They had all kinds of cool things in them, such as the USSR, and info on all US Presidents up to Ronald Reagan.  They were even outdated in 1992, even though they were only about five years old then!

     The world was a different place, and yet not so different.  The Cold War had just ended a few weeks earlier, and everyone was totally amazed at the novelty of the phrase they never imagined to hear, Former Soviet Union.  The President of the United States was George H.W. Bush (who, at the time, we simply called George Bush, having no idea his son would one day become President as well, thus needing middle initials to distinguish them from each other).  Then-Vice-President Dan Quayle was also celebrating his birthday that day--but he wasn't turning ten (we share a birthday, look it up!  I also share a birthday with Charles Lindburgh and Rosa Parks!).  

Charles Lindbergh--born February 4, 1902--exactly 80 years before me.

Rosa Parks--born February 4, 1913-- exactly sixty-nine years before me.

Former Vice President, Dan Quayle--Born February 4, 1947--exactly thirty-five years before me.

     Who else was born on your birthday?  It's kind of fun to find that stuff out!

     For my birthday present that year, I had asked to be allowed to make a long distance call to a good friend of mine who had moved to Colorado (remember when long-distance calls actually cost money extra money?  I love having a flat-rate now!).  A twenty-minute call from Riverside, California to Denver, Colorado cost about the amount my parents were willing to spend on a gift, and that's what I had asked for.  It was totally worth it.  Beauty and the Beast was playing in the movie theaters.  I had seen it over Christmas vacation six weeks earlier, and was going to be seeing it again for my birthday, with two of my good friends.  I had wanted to invite the whole neighborhood to come with us, but of course that was out of the question.  Movie tickets were expensive (I mean, it was 1992.  It cost almost $3 a piece!  We couldn't be throwing our money around like that!).  My mother had told me to pick two friends to invite.  I settled on Chantel, a lifelong friend I had met as a toddler, and Sarah, a girl who lived on the next block over from me.  

     Since my actual birthday fell on a Tuesday in 1992, the movie excursion was planned for that Saturday, the eighth.  In the four days between my real birthday and that part of the celebration, what could go wrong?  Plenty!

     Chantel lived about ten miles away from us, went to a different school, and had a different circle of friends, so whether she told anyone or not about going to the movies for my birthday, it wouldn't have been any sort of issue.  Sarah, unfortunately, was right in the middle of my social circle.  She let it spill all over the neighborhood that I had invited her to come to my celebration.  This led to jealous kids showing up that morning, begging if they could also come.  It was torture to me to have to tell them no!  I would have loved to have invited all of them, and I felt sad that they couldn't come.  I had wished Sarah hadn't told them.  Some of these neighborhood kids hung around my house all day while we were gone, waiting for us to get home from the movie to see if we'd let them stay for cake and ice cream.  They hung out under the guise of playing with my siblings, but they really wanted a piece of the party.  When my siblings walked them home later (something we did in those days when it was time for friends to leave), they just turned around and followed my siblings back to our house.  

     The saddest part of this was that one friend, Lindsay, happened to see Sarah get into our car for the party.  I waved at Lindsay, and she waved back, but she looked sad, and I felt sad that I hadn't been able to invite her.  I wished I could have.  

     We had fun going to see the movie, but in the back of my mind, I felt sad about how those who had not been invited felt about it.  It's no fun to be left out.  I had so many good friends in my life I would have loved to have included.  

     Lindsay was very hurt I hadn't invited her, and she and I never really hung out after that.  In fact, she and Sarah were good friends, and she kind of got Sarah away from me, so I lost two friends.  I mean, we never had a fight, and we were still nice to each other around the neighborhood, but it wasn't the same.  Friendships at that age of life can be kind of fickle, since we're growing up and changing so much.  Some friends grow and change with us, and others don't.  Still, I felt that the fun of the day ruined friendships, and I always felt badly about that.  Looking back, it seems like mean girl drama, even though that wasn't the intent.  I also know that these kinds of things aren't relegated to a ten-year-old's birthday party.  People of all ages, including adults, can be just as hurt when they are left out, and respond in ways that are just as hurtful.  

     What I learned from my tenth birthday was that we should value people's feelings, and be very careful to be kind, and not hurtful.  Nothing was intentionally mean from this incident, but people were still hurt, and I can't help but think this could have been avoided if we'd been more careful.  Thoughtlessness can hurt just as much as spite.  We shouldn't just "not try" to hurt people, but we should intentionally "try not" to hurt them.  Philippians 2:4 says, Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Other people's feelings on the whole aren't our responsibility, but the way we treat them can affect their feelings, and that is our responsibility.   Most of us aren't cruel people who want to hurt others, but we can be thoughtless, which can be just as painful to them. 

     Here are some biblical tips that reinforce the hard lesson I learned on my tenth birthday.

1) Be friendly to everyone.  A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly... (Proverbs 18:24 KJV).  Be friendly to everyone God brings across your path.

2) Don't rank your friends into "best friends" and "second best friends."  My grandma wisely told me when I was about ten (around the time of this party, actually), that I should have several close friends, but I didn't need one "best friend."  She was right.  I had a friend growing up who always told me I was her fourth best friend.  Gee, thanks.  Another girl (with whom I was very close, in fact) told me I was her thirty-second best friend.  How do you think being ranked like this made me feel?  And how could this girl really keep track of thirty-two friends in order of quality?  It's ridiculous.  It turns friendship into a competition that you can't really hope to win.  It shouldn't be that way.  My brothers, show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.  (James 2:1).  You have your best china for when company comes, your best clothes to wear on Sundays, and your best friend for when you're really lonely.  What's wrong with that picture?  People shouldn't be relegated to the level of things.  Having one "Best Friend" is very juvenile and petty.  I find that most people who have a need for a "best friend" are often insecure themselves.  Every relationship in your life brings a new dimension to you, and should be valued.  Some are going to be closer to you than others, and that in itself is okay and right (Jesus had His twelve, and within that, He had His three), but being closer to them doesn't make someone a better friend, but rather a closer friend.  The term "Best Friend" is a misnomer, then.  The value should be placed on the relationship, not the person.  I have seldom (if ever) been the "best friend" people talked about.  I've had so many friends I thought I was very close to who would then talk about someone else as their "best friend" to me, and it made me feel like chopped liver!  Even now, at 40, those nagging feelings from youth come back with the thought, Why am I not good enough to be your best friend?  It makes me feel left out, and has led to a lot of insecurity in my relationships with other women.  The few times someone considered me their "best friend" it wasn't a healthy friendship, but more of a needy, codependent relationship where the person was receiving something from me, and made me feel used.  Those relationships didn't last.  Let's just not do that!  Don't have a "Best Friend" besides Jesus!  He is the friend who sticks closer than a brother. (Proverbs 18:24).  Have close friends, and value each one.  

3) Include everyone you are able to. Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.  (Hebrews 13:16).  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.  Romans 12:13.  People's needs are not always physical.  Sometimes, they are emotional.  The need to feel included.  Be that person who sites beside someone who is alone or left out.  Start a conversation with someone who is by themselves.  Put yourself in another person's place and try to make them feel better.  I wasn't able to invite more people to my birthday celebration, but I could have made an extra effort to reach out to these other kids.  Maybe I could have changed the plan and just had everyone over for cake and ice cream.  Maybe I could have invited Lindsay over the next day for just a fun day for the two of us.  I should have cautioned Sarah not to tell others about my birthday fun, since they weren't invited.  There was a lot that could have been different, and avoided hurting people's feelings.  

4) See people as Jesus sees them.  The Bible tells us how God sees people.  God so loved the world... (John 3:16a).  He wants everyone to be saved (not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. Second Peter 3:9).  We need to look at people as souls dearly beloved by God;  people Jesus died for and longs to welcome into His family.  Every person you meet was worth the life of Jesus Christ.  We should treat them as the treasures they are, and especially, tell them what Jesus did for them.  You might not be able to afford to take everyone you know to the movies for your birthday, but there are other ways to freely love them.  Many of the dearest people in my life have never spent a penny on me, but have given of the spiritual blessings God had given them, such as seeing God's hand in my life when I couldn't, listening compassionately when I needed it, encouraging me with scriptures I had forgotten, and praying with me when they could have been doing something else for themselves.  There are so many ways to love and value people.  

     In conclusions, I learned the hard way on my tenth birthday that people's hearts are fragile.  God loves people more than anything, and we should too.  Hopefully, all of you can come to my birthday party today (HA! HA!--there is no party, but if there were, you'd all be welcome!  My husband and I will get lunch out, and then come home for a really good dessert I already made).  If you're in Little Rock, drop on in!