I will never forget that otherwise nice, pleasant, sunny day back in early 2005. I was twenty-three at the time. What I had found that morning had immobilized me, making me oblivious to the day's beauty.
I stood outside of my apartment, trying to absorb the shock. I looked again at the note that had been taped to my front door sometime in the night. I had found it that morning. It was a note from my very close friend Amanda* (not her real name).
Amanda and I had been friends for about three years, but for the past year, we had been even closer. As only two young single women can do, Amanda and I had filled our time with adventures, such as going roller skating, bowling, camping, to see movies and plays. We had other friends on the periphery of our relationship, and we enjoyed throwing them surprise parties, or finding other ways to include them in our fun. We took some unsaved friends to see The Passion of the Christ. We had consumed more ice cream than I have the entire rest of my life before or since combined (back when I was slender, still having a fast metabolism--I wouldn't dare try that now!). We developed all kinds of fun inside jokes. More importantly, our friendship had been a discipleship. We had studied our Bibles together, read other noteworthy Christian books, attended church services and home Bible studies. We did ministry together. We taught kids Bible clubs, and did evangelism at the county fair. It really was a David and Jonathan type friendship (see First Samuel 18:1). We prayed together, and shared secrets. We both really wanted to meet our future husbands, and envisioned meeting them around the same time and having our weddings near each other and being each other's maid of honor (of course, this would have made one of us a matron of honor). We imagined our husbands being best friends, and us having kids at the same time, who would grow up together to be best friends. That wonderful time of fun and service (which was about exactly a year, from very early 2004 to very early 2005) bonded us deeply.
Yet, now, after all of that, I was finding this note taped to my front door. The last month, Amanda's life had started taking a different direction, and I was being left behind. In recent weeks, walls had gone up between us. This note confirmed it. I was so shaken up. Amanda said she still cared about me, but wanted to end our friendship and didn't want to hear from me. I was totally blindsided by this.
I will say that God crossed our paths again later, and we ended up once again attending the same church. Amanda was a guest at my wedding, and we are friends today...though not even close to what we had in 2004. Our husbands are only passing acquaintances. We don't live in the same state, and have not done any ministry together since 2005. The reasons for the break in our friendship back then aren't important to what I am sharing right now. At that moment in time, I felt totally broken and betrayed. I had loved this wonderful friend, and yet where did that leave me? I wish I could say this was the only friendship in my life that ever fell apart or had a conflict, but it isn't. Does love fail sometimes after all?
First Corinthians 13:4-8a give a beautiful picture of love: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... If you're like me, you read these verses and find yourself falling a little short, and also confused about the meaning of some of it. My relationships don't always look like this. My friendship with Amanda looked like that for a while, but it failed in the end. It didn't persevere. And what about the rest? Should we always trust everyone we know, simply in the name of showing love? If someone continues to abuse your trust, does this passage mean you have to keep trusting them, not keeping in mind their track record for deceit (since love keeps no record of wrongs)? I don't believe it means that. I believe the love described in this passage is a picture of what love is designed to be, and what God's love looks like when we let it flow through us to other people. We can be conduits of that love into their lives! That is exciting! Let's look at each aspect of love in this passage, and also, how to realistically respond in our own relationships.
The best part of this is that we don't have to conjure it up ourselves. It is in His strength. A book I highly recommend about this is Nancy Missler's book The Way of Agape (order it here). This book talks about how we can become that conduit of love from God into other people's lives. I have never, ever had a time when I asked God for His love for a difficult person that He didn't fill me with His love for them. It's a prayer He loves to answer with a yes!
Love is patient and kind--God is so patient and kind to us. There are many verses that attest to this, but one in particular is Psalm 86:15, But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. That is the kind of love God shows to us. A love that patiently waits for us, and gently prods and works in our lives. He can, in turn, give us that kind of patience and kindness for others that He puts in our lives.
Loves doesn't envy or boast, is not proud or dishonorable--God is so far above us. He could just blow us away with how much greater He is than us, but he doesn't do it. He rejoices in us! Zephaniah 3:17 says God will rejoice over you with singing. He does tell us about Himself in the Bible, so we can know Him, but He isn't boastful. He is great. He is God. But He gives us a pattern of how to love other people. In my friendship with Amanda, a lot of it was great, but toward the end, I was jealous, and I didn't always honor her in her decisions. She didn't honor me in the way she ended things. It is easier to have God's kind of love in this area when we have the right viewpoint of our own relationship with God. If we are letting Him fulfill us, there is no room for envy, boasting, pride or dishonor--just joy in what He is doing in us, and in others.
Love is not self-seeking--God loved us so much He was willing to do whatever it took for our sins to be forgiven. If He was a self-seeking God, He would have just let us go to hell. But He loves us. He wanted our best. Even after salvation, God continues to work for our good (Romans 8:28). Friendships can easily start to turn into "What's in it for me," but someone who really loves the other person with God's love only wants what is best for them. Only God can do that work in our hearts. We are only capable of that selfless love when we are letting God fulfill the needs of our hearts. Then, we stop looking to the other person to do that for us, and instead, are able to love them without expecting anything in return.
Love is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs--Not being easily angered goes along with love being patient and kind. God Himself is slow to anger. We already read that in Psalm 86:15. As far as God not keeping a record of our wrongs, Psalm 103:12 says God has removed our transgression from us as far as the east is from the west. Hebrews 8:12 says, For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more. He chooses forgiveness. This does not mean He allows us to keep on sinning. His Spirit convicts us, and He works with us in our Christian lives to make us more like Jesus. Hebrews 12:6 says that whom the Lord loves, He chastens... Likewise, I don't think First Corinthians 13 is saying you just have to let it go every time someone you love hurts you. There might be ongoing problems that need to be dealt with. There are places in scripture that give direction for resolving problems between believers (Matthew 18, for one), and even a record of when two believers, Paul and Barnabas, were unable to resolve their issue and parted ways (Acts 15:39). In light of this, we can conclude that First Corinthians 13 isn't talking about that. It is talking about forgiving and being able to move on when things have been made right. It's about showing grace. Jesus forgave those who killed Him (Luke 23:34), but after His resurrection, He didn't pursue a relationship with them. There might be times when you have to forgive and move on, but also go away from a certain person and focus your time and emotional energy elsewhere. I believe this is saying we should always be willing for there to be restoration if the person should ask...but if they don't, we are not obligated to go after them and try to make the relationship work on our strength alone. Love them from a distance if need be.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth--God delights when we are walking with Him, living in obedience to Him. The reason this delights Him is because He loves us and wants our highest good. He knows sin will hurt us, and that is why it grieves Him. Likewise, we should love others so much that their sin grieves us--not because we think we're better than them, but because we know God has better for them. We should rejoice when people are in the truth of God's word.
Love always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres--God really went out on a limb for us when He sent His Son to save us. He protects our soul from hell when we receive His salvation. We should go out on that limb to tell people how much Jesus loves them, and what He did for them to be saved. Lead people to the Lord. The part about how love always trusts is a tough one. We can't trust some people, and I don't believe God asks us to do that. I believe this is saying to believe the best about people, and when we can't, we are to believe the best about God and trust Him where we can't trust the person. We need to be realistic. David realistically knew King Saul wanted to kill him (First Samuel 20:3), but he trusted God to make things right, which was why he didn't take revenge into his own hands (First Samuel 24 and 26). David lost trust in Saul, but he never lost trust in God. The idea of love always hoping and persevering goes along with just wanting the best for others, whether or not you remain close to them. If God gives you an opportunity to do good to someone, do it in the name of the Lord. Have hope that God can use it in that person's life.
Love never fails--Our human love can and does fail, but God's love never fails. He never forgets us, and He is always there to help us love other people. Sometimes, loving someone means stepping away from them and letting God deal with them. God Himself does that at times. Psalm 81:12 says that He gave them up unto their own hearts' lust: and they walked in their own counsels. This passage is not telling us to keep holding onto painful relationships. On the other hand, it isn't telling us to necessarily walk away. Every situation is different. Let God guide you. Remember, though, that if you are called to continue on with someone, God has to be the one filling you, meeting your emotional needs, and giving you that love for the other person. Trying on your own will only cause resentment to fester.
There are confusing messages out there. In 2004 (while I was still good friends with Amanda) I--like many Christians at that time--read Rick Warren's book The Purpose Driven Life. I actually read it three different times that year, because three different Bible study groups I was in all read it right after each other, so I got a triple dose of it. I am neither praising nor condemning this book or author. One comment in the book was that relationships are always worth restoring. At the time, I took that to heart. I had another friendship that was on the edge of decline at the time. This friend, whom I'll call Cara*, was really being hurtful. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and was trying to opt out of being in the wedding, and really just distance myself, but every time I tried, Cara would apologize for being hurtful and beg me to still be in the wedding. This statement in the book made me decide to stick with her. Idealistically, I thought I could love her so much that it would change her. As if I were that powerful. Anyway, trying to make the friendship work only brought deeper hurt onto me that I could have avoided if I had wisely distanced myself earlier. Yes, relationships are worth restoring, but only if both parties want to work on it. After all, God did His part to make a relationship with us possible, but if we don't take Him up on His offer of salvation, that relationship won't happen. Relationships require both parties.
We live in this idealistic world, where both Christian and secular culture present happy friendships with very easily-resolved conflicts. Movies and television shows portray characters "killing [the mean person] with kindness" until they become good and nice. That isn't real life. That isn't real love. Real love is being able to keep caring about someone, without having that person love you back. It doesn't mean you keep doing good deeds for them. It means that you are kind to them when God brings an opportunity, and you pray for them. It doesn't mean purposely being vulnerable to hurts they might inflict on you. Some people argue that Jesus lovingly let people crucify Him all for love...but it wasn't that simple. Jesus didn't just say to Himself, "I love them, so I'll let them beat me and kill me to make them happy." Not at all! Jesus knew it was the only way to purchase our salvation. He did it out of love for us! If there is a greater purpose to someone hurting you, that is one thing, but you do not have to allow people to hurt you for its own sake. That isn't loving them or yourself.
I always feel terrible when a relationship is damaged. That can be so hurtful, like when Amanda and I parted ways. I always feel so strongly that it can't possibly be God's will. It certainly wasn't part of God's perfect design. And yet it isn't always that simple. There is some biblical validation for this happening. Psalm 55:12-14 says, If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself , my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshippers. I can identify with this. Some of the friendships I have lost in my life have been with people with whom I enjoyed sweet fellowship at church, among other believers. Some friends were at sacred, special times in my life, and God used us in each other's lives. How can things like that fall apart?
As I already said, Acts 15 tells about how Paul and Barnabas, who had served mightily alongside each other, had a "sharp" disagreement and were no longer willing or able to work together--and the result was that more people came to Christ! God used their separation for His glory. We also notice that Paul and Barnabas didn't have mean attitudes toward each other. We don't read about them bad-mouthing each other after they parted. They didn't try to ruin each other's reputations. Paul speaks positively about Barnabas and John Mark (who had been the source if the conflict) later in his writings (First Corinthians 9:6; Galatians 2:1,9; Second Timothy 4:11). They might have confided their frustrations in a trusted friend. We don't know. They continued loving each other biblically, even though they were not close anymore. I think that is a pattern for us to follow.
Bottom line: relationships are connections between two or more people with personalities, desires, goals, strengths, weakness and wills of their own. Since our lives are always moving forward, and God is leading us all differently, our relationships will not always remain unchanged. God will show you the best way to love others in your life, and as He fills you with His love, you will experience His power working through you to extend that love to other people. When He is meeting your emotional needs, you are free to truly love like Jesus loved. In your walk with Christ, He will show you when to step away, when to let go. I'm going to close with the chorus of a song by the Christian group Petra, because it sums up what I've been trying to say:
Love knows when to let go
Love knows when to say no
Love grows in the light of the Son
And love shows the world that the Son of
Love has come
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