"And the other little girl is so mean to her," my friend told me. "It's been like this since kindergarten. This girl gets the younger girls on the playground to snub her. The teachers never know how to deal with it. In fact, this year, their teacher is best friends with this girl's mom. My daughter knows this girl is mean, but they've kind of been in a position of being forced to act like friends all this time. And there are times the girl is nice to her, and my daughter lets her guard down, only to be hurt later when the girl decides to be mean again."
As she explained this, my heart went on to this sweet ten-year-old (who is in the Wednesday night class I teach at church). I related to her experience--both from my own childhood experiences with mean "friends" and also in my adult life. How many times have I had an uncomfortable relationship with someone, only to let my guard down when they'd act nice. Inevitably, I would then be hurt by them when they'd start being mean again. As people who want to get along with others, we often take what we can get from them, sometimes to our own detriment.
What makes this more complicated is that, as Christians, we feel we need to show mean people mercy and grace, and we feel guilty for holding our boundaries and taking care of ourselves. In fact, some of us have been programmed with idyllic thinking on the subject.
Growing up, I would watch family-friendly TV shows, which would attempt to teach a lesson to viewers. A common plot used in several shows was the story about the school bully picking on the protagonist. The protagonist inevitably decides to kill the bully with kindness, and the bully ends up becoming nice and good, and everyone becomes friends by the end.
These feel-good plots are so encouraging, but they are also unrealistic most of the time. They set us up to be disappointed when real-life doesn't work that way. They also set us up to show kindness out of a desire to change the bully, instead of unconditional Christian love. Those who have the greatest impact for good on others are those who can love someone without having that person ever love them back. Romans 5:6 says, For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. Jesus loved us, knowing we were powerless to do anything for Him, and that kind of love brought our salvation! Jesus loved us while we were still His enemies, and once we receive His salvation, we become His children and friends. If you're loving someone just to make them change, you're loving them for the wrong reason. I talk more in-depth about this in my June 22, 2021 post Toxic? if you'd like to read that.
Unfortunately, these kill-the-bully-with-kindness plots were not just relegated to TV shows. A lot of Christian media from my childhood also had this message. One particular song from an album (that had an accompanying story) contained the lines:
...It's when you see your enemy in trouble
And you help him put his troubles to an end,
It's coming to his rescue on the double,
By picking him up, dusting him off,
and being his friend...
I hasten to add that this is not a bad message. It's a beautiful message, encouraging us to show love. That is very right and Christian. My only objection to this and other stories for kids (both secular and Christian) is that it simplifies complex relationships with difficult people. In the story on this album, the enemy becomes good and kind after the central characters demonstrate this kind of love, which is not something we should bank on. Being kind to your enemy is biblical. Jesus said to love our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). But He didn't tell us to be their doormat. In fact, to follow Jesus' words here, we have to first admit that these people are our enemies. It isn't always possible to make that person our friend. We certainly can't solve all of our enemy's problems, as the sweet song above implies. As I became an adult, I had to grieve the lost innocence that came to me when I realized life isn't this simple. I wish it was. It takes two people to make a friendship happen. You don't have power over the other person to make them be your friend. You can choose to do right, but you also need to take care of yourself. Wasting time and energy on trying to befriend your enemy can take you away from relationships you should be investing in! It can take you away from becoming the person God made you to be.
I have shared this example before, but think of Jesus on the cross. He forgave the men who killed and mocked him. Luke 23:34 says, Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. Often, this truth is put forth as a challenge to us, to love and forgive people who hurt us. And yet, then, I think of something else. After Jesus' resurrection, He didn't try to pursue these people who killed Him. He didn't go try to become their friends or persuade them to believe in Him. He didn't expend any further energy on them. He instead showed Himself to His followers--those who would make up the early church. He focused on the relationships that mattered. His eye was on the goal the Father set for Him.
The Apostle Paul had people he really invested in as well, and you can see that in the book of Acts, and in his epistles. But we also read of other encounters he had. He had the chance to bear witness of Christ before Felix, Agrippa and Festus. Felix's response was "Not now." (Acts 24:23, That’s enough for now! You may leave. When I find it convenient, I will send for you.). Agrippa's response to Paul's message was "Not quite," (Acts 26:28, ...You almost persuade me to become a Christian.). And Festus' response (we gather through his lack of response) is "Not at all." Though they worded it differently, none of them responded affirmatively to Paul, and after these encounters, we don't see Paul writing to them or investing his energy into them. He did what he was called to do in their lives, and then he moved to his next assignment from the Lord. I don't know about you, but I have wasted time on people I really should have just let go of. It doesn't mean you don't value them as God-loved humans. It just means they aren't your assignment from the Lord, and you can move on. Jesus knew what to do, and Paul follows that example. We can do the same. Invest in those God has put in your corner.
Some years ago, I was involved in a particular ministry. The woman I worked most closely with in this situation was difficult for me. For the sake of this post, I'll say she was my enemy. She was very snobbish to me, and passive-aggressively put me down in front of other people. She treated me very badly, but did so in a very sweet voice. It was very grating to me. Of course, she was physically beautiful. The hardest part for me was that almost everyone else thought this woman was wonderful, and it made me question if I was perceiving her correctly. Really, wondering about that was a waste of my own time and energy. Maybe everyone else was right and she was wonderful, but it was enough that I wasn't experiencing her that way. I needed to just know how to deal with what I was experiencing, rather than analyzing her.
Our first year serving together, she made me so mad, and we had some very difficult conflicts. There was a lot of embarrassment. But for some reason, our second year, she started being very sweet. It was like we had clicked all of a sudden. I was just happy we were getting along, and accepted it for what it was. Our ministry went so much better. But the truth was, we had never resolved past conflicts. She just suddenly got nice, and I let my guard down. She was still the same person. After our wonderful second year, her true colors came back out, and, because I had started to trust and like her, I was deeply hurt by her.
I could have avoided that pain if I hadn't let my guard down, just like the ten-year-old girl I started this post talking about. A lot of us have been in this situation, I would imagine. We are just so relieved when the person isn't giving us a bad time that we forget who they are and what they are capable of. Sometimes, in the name of Christian grace, we just forget all their bad behavior. For salvation, that works (Jesus washes our sins away!), but in personal relationships, we can't just erase what someone did. We can choose not to hold it against them, and to forgive them. That much is biblical. But, unless that person has apologized, and demonstrated a recognition of their wrong and a desire to get along with us, we should still keep in mind what they are capable of. Trust should be earned, not freely given. Recognizing who and what they really are is not a lack of forgiveness and grace. It is taking care of ourselves. It is part of being wise as serpents and innocent as doves. (Matthew 10:16).
My ten-year-old friend eventually concluded that this mean classmate of her wasn't her friend. She would be kind to her, but she wouldn't try to be friends with her. Putting that boundary down, even just in her own mind, has helped her tremendously this school year. And it is something we need to be doing for ourselves too.
Relationships with people are complicated. There are a lot of oversimplified and incorrect messages that sound like good Christian teachings. We need to follow Jesus' example--love our enemies, desiring their very best (which is their salvation in Jesus), but invest in the people God has put into our lives for good.
No comments:
Post a Comment