Imagine a powerful ministry, being used of the Lord to bring people to Christ and do a lot of good in the world. A real work of God is happening. Lives, families, even whole communities and nations are being changed for Christ. But then imagine that you happen to become aware that some of the key people in this ministry are abusive to their families behind closed doors, and are handling small matters in unbiblical ways within their ministry--ways the general public doesn't see. What do you do? If you speak out, you could bring these people down, and that could cause people to question the validity of Christianity altogether. It could end this powerful ministry that is reaching so many. Wouldn't it be better to just keep quiet and let God deal with it? Can the truth ever bring down God's work?
This is a question posed in the newly published book, I Didn't Survive, by Naghmeh Abedini Panahi. Naghmeh shares her story--that of a young Islamic girl coming to America from Iran at age 9 and meeting Jesus Christ. Amidst the persecution from her Islamic parents, Naghmeh continued in her Christian faith through her teen years, joyfully seeing her parents eventually saved as well. From then, Naghmeh pursued ministry back in Iran. This godly, ministry-minded woman met a magnetic Christian leader, and they were drawn to each other through a shared burden for evangelism, as well as mutual attraction. Naghmeh recounts her marriage to a man hailed by many as a Christian hero, Saeed Abedini. Their marriage started in Iran, but due to persecution, they worried about endangering the house church members they were leading, so they opted to move to the US (Naghmeh was an American citizen, and Saeed eventually became one too). They settled in Boise, Idaho, where they ministered in person, as well as continued to serve the Iranian Christians online. All appeared to be well on the outside.
Behind closed doors, Saeed was a very different man. Neghmeh endured physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse. Saeed's violence even got him in trouble with the law in the US a few times. Naghmeh relayed an experience where Saeed grew enraged when she disagreed with him, and he almost killed her. She called the police, and he was taken away. Another time, he started beating Naghmeh's father and broke his nose. Their family tried not to press charges, and to minimize it. Saeed also sowed discord in his ministry relationships the longer people worked with him. His difficult personality was coming out to more and more people. Yet still, by and large, people who only saw his public persona admired his devotion to the Gospel. In 2012, Saeed was back in Iran doing some ministry, while Naghmeh and their two children were back in Boise. Saeed was arrested and imprisoned for several years. This was the beginning of Naghmeh's change in direction. To this day, Naghmeh is still a godly, Bible-following, Jesus-loving Christian, but now, has extra discernment to help others being wounded by spiritual abuse.
I personally became aware of Saeed early on in his prison time. He was being hailed as a Christian hero for the faith, and my heart went out to him and his family. I clearly recall seeing a poster at a church at which I helped with their Vacation Bible School. This poster said #FreeSaeed, and had a picture of Saeed and his family together on vacation at Disneyland. I imagined them to be a happy, loving family, and him to be an amazing minister of the Gospel.
While it is true that his wife worked tirelessly to see him freed, she was brokenhearted in the direction of their marriage. What no one knew until later was that Saeed had been very unfaithful, and even at the time of his arrest, he was in an adulterous affair. Hours before his arrest, Naghmeh found out about his latest tryst, and confronted him over the phone, but he just told her she was crazy and needed help. Only a few hours later, he was arrested.
In spite of his sins, he was still arrested for the sake of Christ, and that itself shouldn't be diminished, but he was doing very wrong things to his family at the same time. As Naghmeh worked toward his release, meeting with important heads of state and speaking at churches all over the nation, she grew in her own Christian confidence. She had been told how worthless she was by Saeed over and over, and to have people be so kind and encouraging made her come out of her shell a little. She recounts very positive and uplifting meetings with both then-President Obama and future-President Trump. Both men were kind and assuring to her, and put forth effort to help free Saeed. She met with many other nations' leaders, and had some incredible stories to share. Her heart warmed to the godly love she was being shown by brothers and sisters in Christ. She also had access to Saeed, who had a contraband phone in prison. For a while their talks were good, and they seemed to be drawing close to each other and to God. But over time, as it became clear Saeed wasn't going to be executed, he began to see himself as pretty important, and the real Saeed resurfaced, becoming mean and abusive again. He expected to have the life of a celebrity Christian when he came out of prison. He envisioned living in a mansion and owning a private jet. All while this was going on, Naghmeh found that he was watching homoeratic porn on his phone in prison. This wasn't a godly man who was struggling with this and wanting to break free. This was someone totally unrepentant. His double-mindedness was maddening. He became verbally abusive to her again, calling her a whore and other names, and telling her that no one was applauding her when she spoke or gave talks, but they were really applauding him, and that her worth came form him. He then threatened to divorce her, and he told her everyone would hate her then. This was the man so many of us were viewing as a Christian hero and wonderful family man.
Finally, Naghmeh had had enough, and told him that if he couldn't talk nicely to her, then he shouldn't call her. He hung up, and that was basically the last time they talked.
Naghmeh finally confided in a pastor (who also happened to be a psychologist) about what was going on, and he helped her to see she was being abused. She was able to start working through all she had been through. She confided in a few friends, but the information was leaked to the press. The people who had supported her and sung her praises suddenly felt uncomfortable with her, and didn't want to address the abuse. A few Christian leaders asked her to take it back, saying she should claim that she was under stress, or mentally unstable, and hadn't known what she was saying. But she refused. She wasn't unstable. She was in her right mind. Saeed was, of course, furious his character had been revealed to the public, and the facade had begun to crumble. Surprisingly, he was freed a short time after this, and, with the advice of others and by God's guidance, Naghmeh got a protection order against him. Even when well-known and well-meaning leaders tried to get her to allow him back around her and their children, she held her ground. She wanted restoration. She didn't want a divorce. But she had one requirement. Saeed had to go to counseling for his abuse, and once he did that, she was willing to work on their marriage as a couple. Her boundary was criticized by Franklin Graham, who wanted to minimize the abuse. Fortunately, Naghmeh's pastor was present for this meeting, and he made Franklin hear Naghmeh out. The bottom line was, Saeed never got the counseling, and instead filed for divorce against Naghmeh. She was awarded full custody of their children.
After all of this, some Christians didn't want much to do with her. They liked her as the supportive wife of a martyr, but not as a single mother/abuse survivor. Many would have preferred she let the facade remain, and kept quiet about Saeed's abuse, and even remained in abusive situations.
All through her marriage, Naghmeh had tried to get help, but hadn't known how to explain it. The advice she had gotten was advice that, between normal spouses having a quarrel, would be right and good, but not in real abuse. She applied advice that really didn't fit, and allowed him to continue harming her and others. She didn't know better. This begs the question, why are Christians often unequipped to help those being hurt and abused--not just in marriages, but in churches as a whole? Is opening up--the way Naghmeh did--the right thing to do?
The short answer is, the truth sets us free (John 8:32), and telling the truth can never bring down God's word or work. Keeping quiet about abuse is never the right thing to do. It might seem like the merciful thing to let the abuser off the hook, but not only is that wrong toward the victims, but it allows the abuser to continue hurting even more people.
Sometimes beautiful works of God coexist with abusive people in them. Why is that? I believe the answer can be found in the Parable of the Wheat and the Tares, which Jesus told in Matthew 13:24-30. This parable talks about how the enemy sowed tares among some wheat a man had grown in his field. As the wheat grew, so did the tares. The man's servants asked if he wanted them to just pull the tares out, but the man said not to do this, because it could cause some damage. In verse 30, he gave the solution, Let both grow together until the harvest, and at the time of harvest I will say to the reapers, “First gather together the tares and bind them in bundles to burn them, but gather the wheat into my barn.” God will eventually deal with wrongdoing in ministries, but it isn't always immediate. This does not mean that God condones it. He will repay. And if we discover evil, we should address it. Sometimes, people being caught and reported are part of God's way of dealing with those tares. This passage explains why we sometimes find wonderful works of the Lord riddled with bad people doing harm. It doesn't diminish the good, nor does it excuse the bad.
I haven't been in Naghmeh's place exactly, but I have experienced spiritual abuse from leaders I should have been able to trust. A lot of this happened when I was a young woman, some as young as fourteen. As a college student, I experienced abuse on a mission trip. The president of that ministry eventually issued me an official apology for what happened, and that means a lot to me. When I have seen people praising those who hurt me or my family, it has made me feel crazy inside. One particular person who hurt me was honored and featured in a Christian periodical, and that made me feel invalidated and invisible. Yet God sees, and knows the truth. A scripture Naghmeh shared that really struck a chord in me was Matthew 25, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did to me. Those who wound others, even if they are praised by others, have hurt Jesus Himself, and He will repay. He will comfort the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds (Psalm 147:3).
That is all encouraging, but what can we do on a practical level? How can we prevent and stop abuse? 1) We can be accountable, and keep accountabilities in place for all participants in our ministries. No exceptions, not even for the head honcho of the ministry. 2) We can be real, and share, and build trust within our ministry. Open communication is vital. 3) We can listen. We must listen. Sometimes, people are led to share something that isn't popular (such as, "Something abusive is going on here"), but we need to listen. We can't just tell the person to get with the program and make them be positive again. We need to encourage a culture of being open and real, and of listening and hearing each other.
The most important thing we can do is keep in step with the Spirit, hearing His voice, and letting Him lead. Ask Him to open your eyes to the truth, and adjust accordingly
You can view and order Nahgmeh's book here.
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