The Word of my Testimony, Part II

      Welcome back to part two of my testimony of church/Christian-inflicted hurt, and victory over it.  When I left off, I had told you about getting kicked out of a church for the heinous act of leading 24 children to the Lord at Vacation Bible School.  I had been really hurt by a series of events, starting with the death of my childhood church.  

     Following our expulsion from the second church, we joined a new (old actually, as it had been founded in 1927), better church.  I was accepted and loved.  Evangelism was normal and acceptable there.  The pastor would take the youth group out "soul winning" as he called it.  Instead of getting in trouble for it, I was encouraged to do it.  The church was a bit more conservative.  They used the King James Bible, and mostly sang hymns.  I embraced these things, because they felt safe to me.  In fact, because I contrasted them to the church where I had been hurt (which used the NIV and sang more contemporary praise songs), I went through a King James Only stage that I have alluded to in other posts on here.  I still love the King James Bible, and use it frequently.  But I digress.  I was still hurting and distrustful.  If someone was kind to me, I wondered what their angle was.  

     That next summer, I had the opportunity to serve as a summer missionary with Child Evangelism Fellowship (the ministry we serve with now).  They have a program for teens called Christian Youth in Action (or CYIA).  I was really nervous to go, because I was terrified of being rejected, or having my body made fun of.  I still carried that shame.  But deep in my heart, I knew God was calling me to go, so I did.  My life has never been the same.  That was the best summer of my life.  I encountered Jesus in a deep way.  I met godly teens who became my friends, and accepted me.  I felt included and normal for the first time in years.  Sometimes, even today, I lean on the strength of that time.  I was refreshed and renewed, and I know God met me there.  The icing on the cake was that a few families from the church I got kicked out of sent their kids to some of the 5-day clubs we taught, and I got to see some of them come to faith.  Two different parents from that church wrote me the sweetest thank-you notes for sharing Christ with their children.  Clearly, not everyone from that church had a problem with me.  Those cards they sent represent redemption to me, and I still have them to this day.  

     I often think of Mary Magdalene's encounter with Jesus after the resurrection (John 20:11-18).  He had delivered her, and changed her life. It must have seemed all joy was gone when He died.  She was so overcome with grief that she didn't recognize the Risen Lord at first, until he said her name in verse 16.  Jesus' very presence must have flooded her soul with joy and resurrection power!  That's how I felt that summer.  It was as if Jesus said my name, and joy was restored to me.  He is the joy-giver.  I started referring to that summer as a "prelude to Heaven".  I remember all the friends I made wrote letters to each other, and we'd sign them, "In Heaven if not sooner..." and then our names.  I saw Jesus in those around me, but mostly, I enocuntered His presencre in my heart.  Psalm 16:11 says, "...in thy presence is fullness of joy....  That is so true.  That's how the Apostle Paul was able to write (from Prison) in Philippians 4:12, I have leanred the secret of being content.  Jesus is enough.  He fulfills us deep inside.  

     While the healing had begun, I still had a broken heart and didn't know what to do about it.  I got addicted to doing ministry, because I wanted to encounter that joy, and felt it more when I served.  As a college student, I had a chance to serve on a mission trip to Zambia.  It was the most significant, wonderful, terrible, life-changing experience.  I experienced a lot of hurt from fellow Christians, and I'll only briefly go into it, but really it was compounded by my much deeper, earlier hurt.  

     A young man--a fellow missionary--demonstrated an interest in me right away at training.  He almost acted like a stalker.  He followed me around, stared at me, made weird little passes at me.  What was I supposed to do with it?  He wasn't acting normal.  I had no idea how to respond.  He didn't initiate normal conversation, or ask me to go on a walk or anything like that.  He made passive-aggressive references to sex, and that really freaked me out.  The thing was, I was attracted to him and interested, but didn't know how to respond to his odd advances.  It wasnt all crazy, though.  We had some really significant moments doing evangelism together, and he treated me like a hero for leading someone to Christ.  That did a lot for my heart (which had been shattered by being rejected after witnessing).  He told me he wanted to be a missionary because of me.  I wondered if this was my future husband.  He was pressing into a very needy part of my heart, the part that craved approval for doing evangelism.  There was an attraction.   But there was also confusion, because he'd go back to being weird and over the top.  He made really bad passes at me, and one night, he came onto me too strongly.  He hadn't made anything offiicial with me, but he was trying to get me to get romantic and (I'm convinced) into bed with him.  It was a huge stumbling block to me.  I can't even tell you how big.  It both aroused and outraged me.  I rejected his advance, and it didn't end well.  We later had opportunites to continue the relationship, and he basically proposed.  Not officially, mind you.  He talked about our honeymoon, and how I inspired him, and how he wanted me to be his wife.  I can't tell you what that did to me. The girl who had been rejected by a church was desired by someone.  I was so confused, and it really affected the ministry.  

     Have you ever seen The Sound of Music?  That's one of my favorite movies.  There is a scene where the oldest von Trapp daughter, Liesl,  has a romantic rendezvous with her boyfriend Rolf.  In their little song they sing (Sixteen going on Seventeen), Rolf tells her he'll take care of her, and kisses her in the end, but then runs away as soon as he does.  Liesl is standing there delighted.  Why is she delighted?  No real plans or commitment have happened.  He ran off as soon as he kissed her.  But her hormones have been stirred.  Her hopes have been awakened by this young man (who ends up leaving her for the Nazis!).  That's how it was with this mission trip guy.  Nothing concrete was ever done or planned, but it was very much like Rolf and Liesl's rendezvous, only over a longer time, and a little less G-rated.  Oh, and we didn't sing or dance, either.  And no Nazis, but you get the idea.  Much like Rolf, this young man later let me go, and denied everything.  

     That was a lot of hurt and confusion.  More rejection, which I felt I must have deserved.  People who didn't get invited to Disneyland birthday parties, had their bodies made fun of at youth group, and got kicked out of churches must deserve it.  It started having panic attacks more regularly.  

     The other hurtful aspect about my mission trip was that I had to room with a terrible young woman who was a few years older than me.  She was cruel, manipulative, and caustic.  If I liked something, she hated it.  If I made a totally innocent or innocuous comment about ANYTHING, she would move heaven and earth to try to turn it into a fight and disprove what I had said.  If I did something, she would criticize and correct me in front of everyone.  She had a fit one day because she didn't like how I peeled potatoes.  While I was teaching, she would move the bookmarks in my Bible so I would use the verses she wanted me to use instead of the ones I had planned.  If I put down any sort of boundary with her (such as, please don't move the bookmarks in my Bible), she would scream bloody murder and cry, and since everyone was sick of her, they blamed me for setting her off, instead of blaming her for her own sin.  I basically couldn't speak if she was around.  I sometimes pretended I was askeep so she would leave me alone.  She had the nationals we stayed with wrapped around her finger, so they thought I was the bad one.  

     One particular day while we were in Zambia, we were walking to our next Bible Club.  Two men ran up to me out of nowhere and grabbed me.  They put their hands inside my clothes.  I was terrified!  I was convinced they were trying to kidnap and/or rape me.  I screamed and kicked them.  This evil teammate just laughed and pointed as I tried to fight them off.  Our national missionary came up and yelled something at them in Bemba (the local language), and they immediately let me go and ran away.  I was crying, feeling like I might throw up.  I couldn't stop shaking, but I was still made to go teach the Bible Club ten minutes later.  My teammate kept saying, "They probably went for Janelle because she's the most scared!"  If I could have become a murder right then, I'd be writing this post from prison!  No one ever brought up what happened again.  I was supposed to just get over it.  When I was still trembling a few minutes later, I was told I was selfish and that not everything is about me.  

     My consolation during these times was God's Word, and my own writing.  I felt I had a deeper connection to God, and my own thoughts, being so far away from all who knew and loved me.  This was still the 20th century (barely), and there wasn't a lot of technology to contact home, especially in a third-world country.  I was really on my own.  There was this church right next door to where we were staying, and I would often take my notebook there and write.  God led me to write stories reminiscent of the church I had loved, that had died (only in my fictional version, it lived).  These were the beginning of what would become my Riverside County Chronicles, and eventually the spin-off series the San Bernardino County Chronicles--a total of 15 books beyween the two series.  These characters became like friends to me, and I got to know them.  I feel that was a gift from God.  A reminder of what was real.  

     So, over the years, how did I heal from all of this stuff--and other hurtful things that came up (because they do in this life)?  How do we reinforce our faith, rather than deconstruct it?  I can tell you what I did.  

     1) I stayed in God's word.  I searched for answers.  There were days I would write out verses and the lyrics of songs that ministered to me.  I listened to Christian music.  I prayed as if my life depended on it.  I carried a pocket New Testament with me at all times, and would read it whenever my feelings overwhelmed me.  There were days I couldn't go more than thirty minutes without reading the Bible.  I listened for the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and spirit about what was happening.  He would remind me of a higher truth than what I was experiencing from hurtful people.  The truth of eternity, and what His word said, not what people said.  My favorite song from that time was Last to be Chosen (by Ray Boltz--I know he has left the godly lifestyle, but this was before that--and his music was still used by God),  I felt like a reject--an underdog, and yet I was called by God.  I had to hang onto that.  The lyrics of this song said: The last to be Chosen are the first He will call, and what He does through them will amaze one and all.  Standing for Jesus, when others may fall.  The last to be Chosen are the first He will call.  

    2) As I said in the last post, God is not the same entity as the people who represent Him.  None of those who hurt me are God.  They didn't have God's approval.  God brought some better people into my life that ministered to my spirit.  There have been many.  That's an important lesson--surround yourself with people who help you, who speak God's truth to you.  They should be those who love and comfort you with gentleness when you need it, and also speak hard truths when you need it (and have the wisdom to know when to do both).  A weakness I have is that I hold on way too long to friendships that aren't healthy.  I love people, and have a hard time moving on.  Sometimes, there is a good reason to move on.  I have stayed in hurtful friendships for periods of time, and only let the relationship go when it got extremely painful--when I could have avoided it and stepped away much sooner.  It's a lesson I'm still learning.  I think I'll always err on the side of loyalty, and that's a good thing in some cases, but I really need God's discernment to help me know when to move on.  

  3) I went to counseling.  I remember telling my counselor about the young man--my "Rolf" from the mission trips--and when I told her about the time he really came on very strongly, I quickly told her, "But I'm sure he didn't mean it like that," because everyone had excused his sin and made me feel like I was the bad one for even thinking he had sex in mind.  This counselor looked me in the eye and said, "Yes, he did."  Hearing someone else speak the truth I knew in my heart was such a relief I cried--hard and long.  It was the beginning of some of the healing for me.  Also, prior to going to counseling, I really thought my problems had started in Zambia, but I realized most of it actually stemmed from losing the church I loved and being kicked out of the next one.  To be honest, there are still days I struggle with both of these things. Neither of those things are supposed to happen to us.  But neither are a lot of things that occur on this earth, and we can rejoice when Jesus comes back and sets everything right.  I have to believe He will restore what was lost, and continue to restore my joy.

  4) In addition to the Bible, I read godly books, and limited other media.  My young adult years were when the Internet was becoming known.  I chose for that season not to have it in my home (until I got married).  I used it at the library, but really minimized it.  I had a landline phone only (in my early 20's that was still the norm anyway).  I chose not to have commercial TV (and this was before streaming).  I read books that encouraged my heart and soul.  One of my favorites was Heart Huner; Lettting God meet your Emotional Needs, by Cindi McMenamin.  Fictionally, I love The Chrnoicles of Narnia, and wouldn't be exaggerating if I said I've read that series at least a dozen times.  While driving in the car, I listened to Focus on the Family's radio theater books, and audio dramas, and those really encouraged me as well.  

  5) I went to Celebrate Recovery.  This brought deeper healing post-counseling.  It was the best thing I ever did, other than Salvation.  I met my husband (in a round about way) as a result of my involvement at Celebrate Recovery.  I made lifelong friends who wanted to be healthy and open about their struggles.  It was truly unique, because in most Christian Bible study settings, people aren't as open and transparent with what they're going through.  It made me feel less alone, knowing there were other people who were also hurting, and willing to talk about it.  Some had similar hurts to mine.  Others had hurts I hope I never experience.  But we were all there to seek God's healing, and help each other.  It's important to note (because I didn't know this prior to being invited to CR), but you don't have to be addicted to drugs or alcohol to go.  It's open to anyone with hurts, habits, or hangups.  We all have something that we can work on, and this program really works!  I currently use the children's CR curriculum with our preschool-aged son as part of his daily quiet time.  

  6) I wrestled with things I was told.  There is a lot of well-meant advice out there, but not all of it is the right advice.  I had to wrestle with what I was told, and form my conclusions based on God's word.  Even godly people sometimes disagreed with what I had concluded, and I had to hold firm to what God had led me to do.  A lot of my friends at the time really got into the belief (false belief) that God doesn't speak to us today, and that we can do whatever we want, as long as it isn't defined in the Bible as sin, but the Holy Spirit doesn't guide us.  I had to really wrestle with that.  I wouldnt he here now if that were true.  There is no joy in a life without God's presence and voice.  It's true that anything we think we're being told has to line up with the Bible.  However, within this guideline, God most certainly can and does speak to us.  I remember one day, when I was still struggling with my "Rolf" and wondering if God would bring him back into my life (it goes to show how much I was struggling, because looking at it more objectively now, I can see how unhealthy it was and how it would have been terrible to have him back!).  I really needed God to answer me, and I prayed that He would show me if I should hold out for "Rolf" or move on.  I then studied the Bible lesson I was teaching the children at AWANA that week.  It was the lesson about Samuel anointing David as king, taken from First Samuel 16.  The very first verse jumped out at me. ...How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing as I have rejected him...  I know that verse wasn't written about me or my situation, but under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, God used it to answer my question and prayer in my moment of need.  How long would I mourn for "Rolf" seeing as God had rejected him from my life?  I believe God does that for us.  The author of the Bible lives in our hearts, and guides us into all truth.  At that time in my life, I lived in the Los Angeles area, and a lot of Christians there follow John MacArthur, who espouses this doctrine that the Bible does not address us personally.  He is a strong ceassationist, and believes spiritual gifts passed at the completion of the New Testament.  While I am not a charismatic or Pentecostal, I think the ceasationist position goes beyond what scripture says about these gifts, and I am therefore a cautious continuationist (meaning I'd be open to all biblical gifts, if they are done in accordance with scripture).  I am willing to agree to disagree with believers of all positions on this.  My problem with ceasatinism (as John MacArthur presents it) is that it leaves no room for the Holy Spirit to work in our lives at all.  He tells people how they're allowed to hear from God.  This was what a lot of my friends were caught up with during that time, and I had to wrestle my way through it, with the Bible and Holy Spirit, to determine what I believed, and what I was called to do in my own life of healing from hurts (honestly, John MacArthur's teaching offered nothing to the broken and hurting people like myself).

  7) I ran the race marked out for me.  Come rain or shine, I got up every day, read my Bible, and did what I was called to do.  I saw a lot of wonderful ministry happen.  I went to Bible College.  I did a lot of evangelism.  I started a teen discipleship program that combined training them to evangelize, riding horses, reading The Chronicles of Narnia, and of course, studying the Bible.  One student I discipled is now a fulltime missionary because of that time, and others are in good, productive Christian lives as well.  I worked for the YMCA for a while, and made some of the best friends of my life there, and had professional success and encouragement.  I have taught Sunday school and AWANA.  I urge anyone to keep doing what God leads them to do.  One of the best things I did was direct a play of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  I know eternal differences have been made, and I didn't wast my time.  

Linus and Charlie Brown in our Christmas play!

     Sometimes, things still hurt.  I still have my triggers.  For many years, certain 90s praise songs used to put me in a panic attack (because we sang them at the church I got kicked out of).  I have mostly overcome that, but there are other things that hit my buttons.  If I feel left out or disregarded, I really struggle.  I have to keep working on these things with God's help, but I am still running my race.  At the end, I want to be able to say with the Apostle Paul,  I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith... (Second Timothy 4:7).  

The Word of my Testimony, Part I

     I am seeing more and more people (mostly from my generation) deconstructing their faith.  Some are famous Christian celebrities.  Others, sadly, are people I know personally, and grew up with, and love very much.  These people are sharing how they were brought up in biblical Christianity, possibly made a profession of faith at a young age, and then deciding they will be leaving their beliefs.  Every story I read has something in common with all the others.  There was never any sort of evidence that supposedly debunked the claims of Christianity for them.  It was often because someone failed them.  Someone who should have known better didn't do better.  Sometimes, their life experiences didn't match what they had been led to expect as a follower of Christ.  Some experienced abuse in the name of Christianity.  I can sympathize with these hurts, and yes, even empathize with some, but I cannot agree with their solution that Jesus and the Bible were not true after all.  There has to be another explanation.  Let's search for the truth!

     The greatest times of pain in my life have been from fellow Christians.  Why aren't we prepared for church/Christian hurts?  We prepare for other kinds of hurt.  We wear seatbelts because we anticipate having to slam on the breaks sometimes, and want to avoid getting thrown around the car.  We have first aid kits because we know that, sooner or later, we'll need a bandaid or antibiotic ointment.  We keep medicine in our bathrooms because we know there will come a time when we'll need it.  And yet we are not prepared sometimes for the biggest hurts we can experience in life--church hurt, or hurt from fellow believers in general.  Why is that?  Did the Bible warn us about it?  

     My pre-puberty childhood was very happy.  I grew up in a friendly neighborhood, where everyone knew each other.  All the kids on our street would jumprope and ride bikes together all afternoon and all day Saturdays.  People helped and trusted each other.  A group of us would ride our bikes to the shopping center down the road and get candy and ice cream.  One of our friends would make prank phone calls from the payphone.  Her favorite victim was Hooked on Phonics (1-800-ABC-DEFG).  They would answer, and she'd say, "Hooked on Phonics works for me!" and then hang up saying, "I sure showed them!"  I'm not sure what she thought she showed them.  She would then beg us not to tell any adults she had done it.  She was kind of the Eddie Haskell of our friend group.  

With friends at our house

     Probably an even bigger influence was our church family.  We were part of a close-knit church, that was also a home-school group.  This was in the 80's before homeschooling had the acceptance it does today, and we functioned more like a Christian school.  Our school had a name, and we had school T-shirts with a logo and everything.  We had classes together during the week.  We had field trips, park days, and skating rink days, all a few times monthly.  This is not to mention that we also all went to Sunday school and AWANA together, and visited each other's families frequently.  We were very close.  I never felt left out or insecure.  I was learning to know the Lord from people who really loved me, and loved my family.  If someone had a birthday party, everyone was invited.  Sometimes, we would even spend holidays with each other as families.  

With my siblings in front of our church--from our 1991 Christmas cards!

 

    The summer of 1992, everything changed, and not only because I hit puberty that summer.  Our church fell apart.  There is a lot to that story, and a lot that had been slowly happening behind the scenes, even in the best times leading up to it.  All of my dearest friends left and got involved in other churches and school groups.  We still saw each other around town, but I didn't have that close group of friends.  The ones who stayed were petty.  I'll never forget when Holly* told me in the worst spoiled-brat voice you can imagine, "I'm having my birthday party at Disneyland this year, and I'm inviting everyone in our class except you!"  I was extremely hurt, but tried to act like I didn't care, and I replied that I thought Disneyland was boring anyway.  It was horrible the day after the party when everyone else came in with their Disneyland souvenirs, laughing about fun memories made at the Happiest Place on Earth...without me.  I wasn't important.   Holly's mother was my teacher, and I adored her (still do), but she wasn't clued in on how mean Holly was, or how the other girls went along with it.  This was a very lonely time in my life.  On the other hand, my old friends--the good friends--moved on with their lives, as if our times together didn't matter or weren't important.  I felt forgotten.  I am still really sensitive about feeling left out, or forgotten, or inconsequential.

     I think the Lord was doing things in my heart during those lonely times.  I was growing more like Jesus.  The next summer (1993), I went to a Christian camp, and there was a girl in my cabin who was bright and beautiful, but had been through a lot of hurt in her life, and was currently in a Christian foster home.  The other girls from her church group were really mean to her.  Knowing how that felt, my heart went out, and I knew God was calling me to befriend her.  That was the first time in my life I felt called to do something specific like that.  John 10:27 says, My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I cried about the hurts she had gone through, as she told me.  I found I listened, and took in.  God was using this to shape my heart to be an adoptive mother years later.  

     Shortly after this, our church totally died.  As far as I was concerned, it already had, but it ceased to exist at all.  The next church we went to felt so alive after seeing our once-vibrant church die.  I remember having a very hard time moving on, and even feeling guilty if I made new friends, because it felt like I was betraying my old friends.  I eventually did make friends, and got some good babysitting jobs.  But it was at this church that I would experience the biggest hurts of my life.  

     I believe good and bad can coexist in churches, even in individual people.  The leadership at that church were used of God for tremendous good, bringing many to Christ.  In what I'm going to share, I don't diminish the good, or someone else's story of being blessed and ministered to there.  I know that happened.  On the other hand, our family was irrevocably damaged forever.  I need to be careful, because I don't want to tell anyone else's story, just my own.  My sister and I were hurt badly by the mean girls there, and it continues to affect us both (mainly because no one took it seriously when it happened, and our needs were minimized, and excuses were made for the sins of others).  The youth group was led by a husband and wife, and the wife made inappropriate comments about my body in front other others, and to this day, I struggle with body image issues (interestingly, when our class did a skit where we portrayed some of the adults in the church, she insisted I play her).  She would belittle me and humiliate me in front of the whole youth group, not because I was doing something wrong, but because I would witness to new people who came.  This woman called it "shoving it down people's throats" and would berate me for it. One particular time, she invited me over to her home, along with some other girls from the youth group.  It was supposedly a new "discipleship" program.  I was excited at having been invited, but she ended up humiliating me, and had this set up where no one would speak to me, and totally ignored me.  It was meanness at its finest.  One of the girls eventaully wrote me a letter, apologizing for that.   It was psychological abuse.  I know this woman will answer to God one day for it.  That is my consolation, and what keeps me from hating her.  From her teaching in our class, I gather that her god was very small, and not the same God I knew.  

     The last straw came when I was teaching in Vacation Bible School.  Every Christian has a gift (Romans 12:16).  My gift has proven to be evangelism.  That summer at VBS, I was helping in the 2nd grade class with a very sweet older man named Mr. Johnson.  God gave Mr. Johnson some special grace for me, and he asked me to share the Gospel with the class every day after he told the Bible story.  When I stood up there in that room, this power came over me.  I can't explain it, other than Acts 1:8 says that the Holy Spirit empowers us to share the Gospel.  At that time, I couldn't have NOT shared the Gospel.  That is why it is so hard for me when I'm in situations where I'm told not to share, because I can't help it.  It is physically and mentally painful not to.  It's like trying to dam a river.  At that long-ago VBS, and many times since, the Gospel  poured out without my having to plan what I was going to say.  I was in control of my faculties.  It wasn't weird, but God was guiding me to say it.  That week, 24 children in our class came to salvation!  One of them was the daughter of the teacher who hated me.  

     The pastor acted like he was really proud of me, but behind my back, he told Mr. Johnson that a teenager had no business witnessing, and not to allow it anymore.  The children's ministry director even expressed legal concerns about my evangelizing.  I personally think she was crazy.  Mr. Johnson told me about the pastor's rule against teenagers witnessing later on.  But he faced a moral dilemma.  Would he obey the pastor, or the Holy Spirit?  He chose the Holy Spirit, and I continued witnessing.  I still have a letter he wrote me at the end of the week, thanking me for my help and telling me I made a very good missionary.  He supported my ministry until the Lord called him home about a decade ago.  The result of his obeying the Holy Spirit over the pastor was that both Mr. Johnson and my family were persona non grata at that church.  For the rest of his life, Mr. Johnson struggled with forgiveness and finding peace after being hurt by that church.  

     I am now a middle-aged adult.  I have seen power sturggles and misunderstandings.  I've seen this in various ministries.  I've seen it in communities.  I've seen it politically.  I know that this happens.  But back in the mid-90's, I was a high schooler.  I had no frame of reference for any of this.  All I knew was that I had gotten my family kicked out of a church.  I didn't know anyone ever got kicked out of any church.  That sounded so big and bizarre.  I felt very guilty, because it affected my family, not just me.  I didn't mean to do it.  My brother was the only one of us who wasn't treated meanly, and he had a lot of friends, and he lost them because of this.  I hated that it did that to him, because I knew what it meant to lose friends.  

     If Mr. Johnson and I had been sinning, the pastor should have confronted us in love, and if we didn't respond, he should have brought two others with him and confronted us again.  If we still didn't hear him, it should have come before the church.  This is the method of church confrontations Jesus put forth in Matthew 18.  The pastor did not follow it.  He didn't have a biblical basis to follow it, beasue sharing the Gospel is, in fact, a command of God, not a sin.  But not only did he not do the biblical method here, but after he told us we were no longer welcome, he acted surprised the next Sunday when we didn't show up.  My parents had responsibilities and classes they taught, and he didn't get substitutes, and he told everyone we had just bailed and he didn't know where we were.  We found this out from others who left shortly after us.  That was an outright lie, and God can't honor lying.  We still remained friends with some in that church, and months later, I was at their house and saw their newest edition of the church directory by their phone.  Curious, I looked inside, and found we were still listed as members in that directory, even though it was printed after we had been asked to leave.  That also felt dishonest.  We had already joined another church by then.  

     When he asked us to leave, the pastor told my dad that I was just too "different' and people couldn't help disliking me, and it was my own fault the youth leader's wife had mistreated me.  I wish my dad hadn't told me he said that.  He told me in order to show how ridiculous it was, but I was still a teenager--an age when acceptance means everything, and I had been rejected by a place where we should feel the most acceptance.  This all came on the back of losing my other church, that I had loved so much.  I could still hear Holly's mean remark about not inviting me to her Disneyland party echoing in my heart, accompanied by the pastor saying I was too different and deserved to be mistreated, and the youth leader making mean jokes about my body.  It probably isn't surprising that I became suicidal.  If other Christians couldn't love me, it must mean I wasn't good enough.  I remember one particular time, I considering drinking gasoline.  I literally believed nothing good would ever happen to me again.  I thought the best of life was behind me.  That hopelessness isn't God's will for us.  To think of any high schooler feeling this way breaks my heart, not even considering it was me.  I can completely understand teen suicide, that feeling that you're lost and broken and no one can ever love you or help you again.  Somewhere inside, though, I held on.  Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. Psalm 42:11.

     How did I get out of this?  I am obviously not in that place now.  I didn't drink gasoline (though I did some self-harm that I have repented of).  I am a joyful Christian woman, STILL evangelizing (and yes, sometimes still facing opposition from those who should support it).  I'm going to share a Part II soon, but for now I want to go back to my original question.  Did the Bible warn us about church hurt?  For a long time, I didn't think it did, but then I came across these verses:

John 16:1-4, “I have said all these things to you to keep you from falling away. They will put you out of the synagogues. Indeed, the hour is coming when whoever kills you will think he is offering service to God. And they will do these things because they have not known the Father, nor me.  But I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told them to you.  Okay, what I get from that is that Jesus is warning them about being rejected and kicked out of their synagogues--their spiritual communities.  Jesus wanred about being misunderstood by those who claimed to know and speak for God.  But according to this verse, these people don't know God .  I am not suggesting all pastors who hurt their people are actually not really saved.  I know that this pastor knew the Lord for salvation.  But he wasn't acting in a godly manner in doing this.  He didn't have God's stamp of approval on rejecting my family and Mr. Johnson, or misrepresenting us the next Sunday.  

    Another biblical example is that Jesus was rejected and alone.  Peter, a close friend, had denied him.  Judas, another close friend, had betrayed him.  If you or I have experienced rejection from those who should be loving us, we have shared in Jesus' sufferings.  And sharing in His sufferings brings rewards.  He chose me to share in that with Him at a young age, and I'm honored and in awe that He chose me.  Buty it still hurts.  I'll share more about how I got healing in my next post, but for today, know that Jesus did warn us.  Someone harming us is not reason to leave the faith.  Jesus is separate from those who claim to represent Him.  Just because I was wounded in church didn't mean Jesus didn't really die for my sins.  It doesn't mean the Bible is untrue.  That never changed.  That is non-negotiable.  I never doubted God or His word, but I did doubt His people for many years.  I distrusted a lot of good people.  I acted normal in public, only to go have a panic attack in the closet when I got home.  God has victory for people like you and me.  Watch for Part II...

Non-Essentials

     If we all love Jesus, believe in and value the inerrancy of scripture, and study to show [ourselves] approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth (Second Timothy 2:15), why are there still things we disagree on?  How should we feel about that?  Do we try to reconcile it somehow?  Are we wrong?  Are others wrong?  How should we view non-salvation doctrines that Christians may disagree on?  

     What is required to be a Christian, according to the Bible?  John 1:12 says, But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.  Acts 16:31 says, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved...  Romans 10:9-10, 13 says, ...if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved...for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  These verses make it clear that salvation is secured when one turns in faith to Jesus Christ.  We place our faith in His sacrificial death and resurrection, knowing He did for us what we could never do for ourselves.  As the saying goes, "He paid a debt He did not owe, because we owed a debt we could not pay."  Faith is what we use to grab hold of salvation.  It's like a fork.  A fork doesn't feed us, but it is the means by which we grab hold of what does.  That is our side of salvation.  

     Ephesians 2:8-9 gives us some insight into how this happens in our hearts, showing us God's side.  For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing;  it is the gift of God, not a result of works so that no one may boast.  God's grace working in our hearts enables us to have saving faith in what Jesus did for us.  Salvation is God's gift, not of works--no one can boast, because none of us could ever earn it.  

     So, if we have responded to God's grace and received Christ as Savior by faith, we are new creations (Second Corinthians 5:17).  We have the Holy Spirit in our lives.  So, that leads me back to the question I started with.  If we agree on what is the most important thing--salvation and God's Word, what do we do with the things we disagree on?  

     These non-salvation issues are often referred to as the non-essentials of the faith.  These might include things like infant baptism vs. believer's baptism; whether speaking in tongues is a vital part of the Christian experience; how to interpret prophecies in the book of Revelation and other end-time events; the importance of Israel today; whether or not a believer can fall from grace and forfeit his salvation.  I know godly people on both sides of all these issues.  This is not quite the same as Christians having different convictions.  Convictions may differ, depending on where the person is at, what his or her stumbling blocks are, and the culture he or she is in.  Bible teachings aren't as subjective as that.  When we deal with God's word, we are dealing with truth.  I'll explain.

    The Bible does not condemn any and all alcohol consumption.  What a Christian does with alcohol is dependent on several factors.  His own conviction may propel him differently than another believer, and neither one is wrong.  The same may be true for preferences.  I may prefer hymns and you may prefer contemporary worship music in church.  Neither is right nor wrong, and both would be an acceptable preference to hold.  

     Unlike convictions and preferences, when we're dealing with a truth of God' s Word, there is one truth.  In other words, even though well-meaning Christians disagree about some things, there is a right answer, and it isn't something that changes based on our beliefs the way convictions or preferences can.  For example:

     Some believe gifts like speaking on tongues passed from usage when the Bible was complete, while others believe this is an important experience all Christians should try to have, and still others (like myself) are open to the biblical use of such gifts, but cautious, believing a lot of misuse has occurred.  Regardless of what people believe, there is a true, right answer.  If speaking in tongues is something God desires for all to experiences, that is the truth, even for those who don't believe in it.  If tongues passed from usage, that is true, even for those who practice it.  Someone is wrong, and someone else is right.  People in all three camps I mentioned (those who disbelieve in it today, those who think everyone should have it today, and those who are cautious about it) are all going to be in Heaven.  They all received Christ the way described above, according to the Bible.  They all believe the Bible is God's true word, and would agree on the essential doctrines of the faith, and yet they disagree about this issue.  

     The same is true on other issues mentioned.  Some believe Christians are eternally secure and cannot lose their salvation, while others believe they can cross a line and become unsaved again.  I have shared in several posts why I am a proponent of eternal security.  I won't go into all the reasons here, because that isn't my ultimate point.  But this is another issue Christians are divided on, and someone is right, and someone else is wrong.  There is one right answer.  If we are eternally secure, this even includes those who believe they can lose their salvation.  If we can fall from grace, this is even true for those who believe they cannot.  Everyone believes his or her view is right (no one believes something they think is wrong!).  What do we do with that, and all other non-essential issues?

     If we wanted, and had the time to do so, we could examine all non-essential issues.  The ones I shared are things strong Bible-esteeming Christians can disagree on.  There are others that I didn't mention.  There are more liberal Christians who don't believe in a literal 6-day creation, and take some specifically-stated things in the Bible as allegories instead of literal facts.  Even though people who believe this way can still be saved by Jesus (assuming they take His death and resurrection literally), I think they are wrong according to the Bible, in a very obvious way, so I am not addressing those kinds of things that call God's Word into question.  I am focusing on issues people who believe in the Bible as inspired and inerrant can still disagree on.  So I repeat, what do we do with this?

     I think the biggest question I wrestle with in thinking about these non-essentials is, if we all love and follow Christ, read His word eagerly, listen to the Holy Spirit, why isn't He guiding us out of error and into truth on these things?   If there is a true position on these issues, why isn't the Holy Spirit guiding all of us to it, so there is no more question and disagreement?  

     I can't claim to know the mind of God on all things, but I can use God's word to give some observations, and also some advice for us to follow when it comes to these non-essentials.  First, my thoughts about why God doesn't just correct us when we're in error.

1) Within our salvation and relationship with God, He gives us all we need for life and godliness.  Second Peter 1:3 says, His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence.  

2) The Bible contains the answers we need.  Second Timothy 2:16-17 says, All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, and for instruction in righteousness; that the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.  A teacher once told me, "You can complain about what isn't clearly stated in the Bible after you've read and studied everything that is."

3) God is patient with us.  Both the Old and New Testament say that God is long-suffering (Numbers 14:18, Second Peter 3:9, among other passages).  I know there have been times I held certain theological beliefs.  As I grew in my relationship with the Lord, and came to see the error in my thinking, I changed my view.  God gently works on all of us.  One belief I once held and no loner do is the King-James-Only position.  I had a very loving King-James- Preferred pastor in high school who really impacted me, so as a college student, I tried on the King James Only position for myself for a little while.  God didn't just rip that position from me.  He gently worked on my heart as I studied the issue, and the Bible, and continued in my relationship with Him.  He revealed to me in His good time why I had been so impacted by this good pastor, and that, even though he was very loving and had been a good impact on my life, didn't mean I had to agree with him in everything.  But it took time for Him to work on me.  He was so patient and gentle, and He is that way with all of His children, even when they might be in error in some of these non-essential issues.  God knows where each and every Christian is at, and what we need.  He works gently on us, and reveals truths we are ready to receive.  

     Before I move to the next point, I will add that many times, our beliefs are more psychological than theological.  Maybe someone of a certain theological bent has really impacted us--for good or bad--and we choose our own beliefs based on a reaction to that person or experience, rather than on what we have found to be the truth from time in God's Word.  Reaction is never a good way to choose a belief, but God is so gentle and patient with us as we work through things.  

4) Even if some of these non-essential viewpoints are incorrect, God allows them to grow together, just like the wheat and the tares (Matthew 13:24-30).  Unlike that parable, this isn't between Christians and non-Christians growing up together in the same church.  This is Christians of different non-essentials beliefs all being part of the same family.  God allows us to be wrong.  He doesn't cause us to be wrong.  He allows it, and (as I said in the last point) gently prods us to the truth.  One day, we will know the truth completely (First Corinthians 13:12).  I think every one of us probably has some small level of error on non-essentials.  We are prone to mistakes and misunderstanding.  

     I have examined why I believe God allows Christians to differ on these things.  Now I'm going to look at what we can do about it.

1) Realize we don't know everything.  There are some things God didn't tell us.  He told us what we need to know, but there are mysteries we won't know until Heaven.  As I said above, First Corinthians 13:12 tells us,  Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known.  

2) Study God's Word diligently, and cultivate a relationship with God where you are used to hearing from the Holy Spirit.  This takes time, study, and dedication.  We must daily submerge ourselves in God's word, and allow the Holy Spirit to convict us and show us what we need to know and do.  If we are wrong, we promptly admit it, and ask God to help us live in accordance with the truth learned.  When I was in my King James Only stage, I made some dogmatic statements, and I had to go back to some people I had said them to, and tell them I was wrong.  

3)  Study the issues out for yourself.  Look up what Christians have historically believed on these non-essentials, and see where your view fits into church history, and with the rest of scripture.  Always go back to the Bible for answers, but look at what historic Christian leaders have said as well.  Read godly writers who both agree and disagree with your position.  Engage is peaceful and healthy conversation with believers of varying views.  

4) Give other Christians grace.  Allow them to be wrong, and love them anyway.  Pray for them to know the truth, as you pray the same for yourself.  When you are in conversations about these things, and you are led to share where you stand, do so humbly.  Don't get sucked into wars with your brothers and sisters, even if you truly believe you are right and they are wrong about this.  

5) Very important--don't major on the minors.  These issues are non-essentials.  They don't matter nearly as much as the truth of God's word, salvaiton by grace through faith, or what God has done for us.  You can have beautiful fellowship with another Christian who disagrees with you on non-essentials.  

     The missionary agency my husband and I serve with has a statement of faith any Bible-believing Christian could sign.  It is detailed, but actually pretty basic.  We have Christians who are Baptists, Assembly of God, Presbyterian, Methodist, and others serving with us.  The reason the non-essentials we may differ on don't get in the way is that we have another paper we also have to sign, called the Doctrine Protection Policy.  This policy basically says that we focus on the Gospel and evangelism while we serve, and those 99% of things we agree on, but we don't address the non-essentials (the 1% of things we disagree on) in our ministry.  Neither among ourselves nor in the Bible classes we teach would we ever talk about end-times theology, Calvansim vs. Arminianism, cessationism vs. continuationism, or modes of baptism.  Those are issues for our churches to discuss, but in our ministry, we just want to share the Gospel and bring people into the Kingdom.  There is certainly a time and place to discuss these issues, but they aren't as important as some have made them.  Let's focus on loving Jesus and His Word with all we have and all we are, and let the Holy Spirit guide us in all truth.  

Battles

     I came up with the analogy years ago, while going through a particular time of spiritual warfare.  I was doing ministry, seeing people come to Christ.  And yet everywhere I turned, I was having things thrown my way that were real stumbling blocks for me at that time.  I decided that I had been playing checkers with the devil, and when I jumped his king, he got mad and picked up the board and threw it at me.  That's what was happening.  As a Christian, I had the victory, and was going forward in Christ's name to win people to Christ, per Acts 1:8 (But ye shall receive power, after that the Holy Ghost is come upon you: and ye shall be witnesses unto me both in Jerusalem, and in all Judaea, and in Samaria, and unto the uttermost part of the earth).  We are empowered, and Satan is defeated--but he wants us to forget that and manipulate us.  

     Whenever I deal with someone who is manipulative, I think that person is being more like Satan than God, even if that person is a Christian.  This month, I have been dealing with a master manipulator, and have fought a spiritual battle.  

     A few weeks ago, I saw a little boy I'll call David* receive Christ as his Lord and Savior.  As I shared the Gospel with him, his eyes dawned with a deep, real understanding.  In that instance, I used the terminology from John 3, and talked about being "born again."  As I explained what Jesus had done for us, David's eyes brightened, and he said, "I need that!"  His mother cried when I told her (joyful crying!).  I felt like God had moved in a mighty way in this child's life, and that He has great plans for this young man to be used for His kingdom.  I jumped the devil's king, and he was mad.

     Within a couple of hours, this manipulator (I'll call this person Chris) called me and was cruel and inappropriate toward me.  Chris has not let up, and, without going into telling details, what Chris was doing could adversely affect our ministry, and my career in this ministry.  Chris has already harmed the ministry with some manipulative stunts.  A lot of pressure was on me, and for a little while, Chris had a green light to continue.  

     I lost sleep over this.  I have been unable to eat, and when I did, I couldn't keep it down.  My spirit was in a very dark place, and I wondered if my career were going to be wrecked by Chris.  My husband and a few friends supported me in prayer through this, and one special friend and ministry colleague fought beside me, because it was her fight too (it's a very long story).

Pictured with two wonderfully supportive Christian friends (I'm in the middle)

     I knew things were coming to a head this evening.  I felt sick all day.  But I felt God guiding my actions.  Everything I did, I got a scripture in my heart as guidance.  In conferring with others, I hadn't wanted to say very much, because it's tricky when you're in a battle.  You (hopefully) don't want to bring anyone down, or start a campaign against them, or recruit others to dislike them with you.  But at the same time, sometimes you need to strategize.  You need to be as wise as a serpent but as innocent as a dove.  (Matthew 10:16).  God guided me in the right way of talking discretely with the correct people, and He even gave me scriptural confirmation about it.  

     The verse that kept coming back to me was Exodus 14:14, The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.  I knew God would win this battle in His way.  The song that soothed my spirit was Phil Wickam's The Battle Belongs.  I love the chorus: 

So when I fight, I'll fight on my knees

With my hands lifted high
Oh God, the battle belongs to You
And every fear I lay at Your feet
I'll sing through the night
Oh God, the battle belongs to You

 

    From all sides, I was reminded that God was in control and would win it.  He never promised me my career would always go perfectly, but I could trust him, even if the worst happened.  He would still have a plan for me.  I've been reading the book of Acts (my favorite!) in my quiet time, and I'm reminded of how Paul was never promised things would go his way, or that he'd be spared prison or execution.  But his attitude was, But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. (Acts 20:24).  No matter what, I was called to share Christ, and if God closed the door where I was, He would open a new one.  

     A part of me wanted to run away from it all.  To just quit and beg my husband to move us to some rural area, never to get very involved in anything again.  But of course, that isn't God's plan, and I kept thinking about those who will come to Jesus through our ministry next year, and the year after, and how I can't leave that.  I can't let them down.  This isn't to say God can't lead us away at some point, but running away with my tail between my legs isn't the answer.  

     My husband serves in this ministry as well.  We love being a stateside missionary couple, serving the Lord together.  This situation had the potential to affect him too, but it was my fight.  This became even more apparent when, shortly before the confrontation with Chris this evening, our babysitter bailed, and my husband had to stay home with our son (there was no way we were bringing him around Chris).  Without my husband physically there (though he was praying!), I felt as if God were saying, "This is your fight, but it's really Mine!  Lean into Me!"  He didn't let me lean into my husband, even though that would have felt better.  I was in God's hand, and His alone.  

I love my husband and son, but I stand before the Lord alone, and He wins my battles.

     I felt like a sheriff in the Old West, facing down an outlaw in Main Street, with tumbleweeds blowing across the dirt road in front of the saloon.  

     This manipulator was brought down this evening.  I'm not exaggerating when I say that truth and righteousness won.  Chris is not out of my situation completely, so please pray, but the battle was won this time.  I feel triumphant, but I also feel beat up.  

     I'm reminded of Elijah in First Kings 19.  In the chapter earlier, he had won an amazing victory in his contest with the prophets of Baal.  Yet in the next chapter, Queen Jezebel threatened him, and he completely lost it and ran away, completely discouraged.  That's how I have felt this month.  I felt like running away and hiding.  And yet each step of the way, God's angels have been ministering to me, just as they did to Elijah.  Every step, my husband and the few Christian friends I shared with about this prayed with me and for me, and ministered to my spirit.  God's word became precious to me in a deeper way through this trial.  I was reminded to Count it all joy...knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  (James 1:2-3).  I am encouraged by First Peter 1:7, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  

     I've been re-reading one of my very favorite books, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, by C.S. Lewis.  It is part of the Chronicles of Narnia series, which are allegorical of the Christian life.  In this book, the characters are on a sea voyage.  At one point, they go through a deep darkness, and find the island where dreams (nightmares) come true.  Lucy, a central character calls out to the Christ-representing Lion Aslan, saying, "If you ever loved us at all, send us help now!"  And he does.  After they are freed from the darkness, they look back, only to discover that the dark island is gone.  It isn't just behind them.  It's gone.  When they are thanked for destroying the accursed place, Lucy says, "I don't think that was us."  That's what I'm feeling right now.  

     I am so thankful for my good Christian friends.  I am so thankful for my husband.  But in this, I stood with Jesus alone, and He came through.  I watched Him win the battle.  The battle belongs to Him!  

Purity

      It seems like a lot of people in my age bracket are talking about the effects of Purity Culture on our generation of young adults in the late 90's and early 2000's.  Perhaps some of you reading this experienced it, and perhaps others saw your children or siblings experience it. 

     From what I see, the general consensus today seems to be that Purity Culture was a negative thing, and had a damaging impact on young people.  Not everyone thinks this, and there are some who still follow it.  I must confess to having some mixed feelings about both opinions.  In order to explain, I need to share my own experience, and more importantly, look to the Bible.

     I grew up in a Christian home in the 1980's and 90's.  As early as I remember, my parents told me that if it were God's will for me to be married (for single life can be God's will too), God's man for me would be a Christian, and that it was unwise to even entertain the idea of a relationship with a man who wasn't saved.  That is biblical (Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers... Second Corinthians 6:14).  

Me as a little girl in the 80's, around the time my mom had the talk with me...

     I was taught the facts of life when I was about six.  I remember sitting on my parents' bed beside my mother as she read me a book called The Wonderful Way Babies are Made.  I learned and understood more as I hit puberty.  Sex was for marriage, and for me, marriage was only to a Christian man.  My parents didn't hammer this into me.  It was brought up naturally.  They didn't have a lot of rules surrounding it.  I never remember being told at what age I could date or have a boyfriend.  I definitely wasn't told that I had to court or have my parents arrange or manage my relationships when I got older.  I only knew "courting" from TV shows set in the 19th century, like Little House on the Prairie.  I just thought it was an old-fashioned word for dating.

     My parents' marriage was an example to me.  As of right now in 2024, I am almost 43 years old, and my parents have been married for 45 years (I'm their oldest).  But it has to be admitted that one's parents (while the biggest and most important example) don't make one's heart pound with passion.  I believe God gave me other examples, through godly books and other media, that accomplished that (in conjunction with the example of my parents, of course).  I believe God gave me some ideals to hold out for, which were His best for me.

     There were a lot of mixed messages out there in the world.  Even wholesome, G-rated family TV shows from my generation depicted the central characters dating seriously in junior high and high school, sometimes making out passionately.  This was portrayed as "normal" and as if it was just what teens (even young teens) were expected to do.  It also showed these teen romances being disposable, with breakups and then getting with a new significant other being seen as part of everyday life.

 

     A lot of my friends felt that these shows were meant to depict reality, and felt they didn't measure up if they didn't have a boyfriend.  Dating became more of a game than a chance to meet people and like them for themselves.  It also seemed like it got a lot of people into trouble.  The TV shows might have depicted the characters kissing and stopping at that, but in real life, many of us know that it's very hard to stop with just kissing.  Passions can carry us much further than intended.  

     Almost out of nowhere, along came the Purity movement.  By the time it gained traction, I was almost an adult.  I was sixteen when I Kissed Dating Goodbye came out.  It was one of many, many books on the subject of purity.  There were rallies, conferences, books, videos, groups, paraphernalia...you name it.  Initially, I agreed with what it seemed to be saying.  It removed the pressure to feel the need to date.  The focus was on becoming the person God wanted you to be.  I still agree with that.  I wouldn't make a hard, fast rule against teens having a romantic relationship.  Some godly teens meet the person they'll end up marrying while still young.  You have to take it on a case by case basis.  But the way it was being portrayed on TV and in the overall culture was not good, and I liked the idea that I didn't have to worry about that, but could focus on what God wanted me to do.  So that part of Purity Culture seemed good.

     I also 100% agree with abstinence until marriage.  First Corinthians 6:18 urges believers to Flee fornication...  The Bible makes it clear in multiple places that intimacy is between a husband and wife (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5).  That is something else I agree with about the Purity Movement.  What it wanted was good.  Purity itself is good.  So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.  2 Timothy 2:2

     While I agree with what I have stated above, I can't say I agreed with the Purity movement as a whole.  Christian counselor and author Camden Morgante makes the distinction between traditional Biblical teaching (which I believe) and the Purity Culture (which also believed this, but added many more rules that were extra-biblical).  Morgante was featured in a podcast I follow The Best of You with Christian psychologist Alison Cook.  In this episode, they discussed Morgante's book Recovering from Purity Culture.  I have not read the book, but I highly recommend listening to the podcast, which I'll put at the end.

     Before Purity Culture struck, I had a boyfriend in junior high.  It was very innocent.  Really, we were two kids who liked each other and hung out together.  That was basically it.  He told me I was beautiful once, at our Christmas formal, and I almost melted.  I fantasized about him proposing to me after that.  In all my imaginations of this, he always dropped to one knee, and pulled out a diamond ring, and asked me to marry him.  I would say, Of course I will! and we'd seal the deal with a kiss.  This never happened, of course.  Junior high romances don't usually result in marriage.  12-and-13-year-old girls fantasize about getting engaged, but boys of the same age typically do not!  They're not there yet.  This boy certainly was not.  I was very serious about the Lord, and God revealed to me that this boyfriend was not.  He was from a Christian family, but I'm not even 100% sure he was saved.  After that relationship, I felt called to wait until I was 18 and out of high school to think about dating or having another boyfriend.  To this day, I think that was a good decision.  It was my own choice, which I believed God led me to make.  I don't put that on anyone else.  

     Even though I initially agreed with what the Purity Movement seemed to encourage (waiting until you were an adult to get serious in a relationship, and abstinence until marriage), I started seeing some weird things.  Families we knew took it as almost another gospel (and perhaps that's what it became).  Instead of the Gospel of grace and forgiveness, made possible by Jesus, it became the message that you had this one chance to get it right, and if you went out with someone you didn't end up marrying (even if no sex happened) you had cheated on your future spouse in advance, and you didn't have your whole heart to give away on your wedding day.  There was no redemption.  There was no way to get back on the right track if you failed in any way.  Perfection was demanded.  This is so counter to the real Gospel, which gives us that hope and a future (First Corinthians 2:9).  Males and females had very strictly-defined roles, and if you accidentally didn't follow your script, you had committed the unpardonable sin (forget whether or not what you did was actually a sin according to the Bible).  Other people (sometimes parents, sometimes pastors, sometimes other mentors) had a lot of control over the couple's relationship.  This started to seem wrong to me.  Where was this in the Bible?  It wasn't.  

     With dating taken off the table as an option, many young people started being passive-aggressive.  They had their little boyfriend/girlfriend stuff going on, but didn't officially call it that.  They were "just friends" who held hands, ran their fingers through each other's hair, and gazed into each other's eyes constantly.  Just friends my foot!  A lot of flirting still happened, but no one would stand behind it and actually admit they liked each other, because if they did, they might be giving pieces of their hearts away and ruin their future marriages.  I found this so hypocritical.  Even assuming for the sake of argument that the Purity Movement was right, these people were all still as impure as those who officially had relationships.  Jesus made it clear in the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5-7) that sin starts in the heart, and officially committing the act outwardly isn't really where it should be defined.  So, if that is true, these fakers were just as guilty as their "officially dating" counterparts.  Since I think the Purity Movement was wrong about some of this, I'll go out on a limb and say these people were more guilty, because they weren't dealing in the truth.  (You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free, John 8:32).

     Even though the idea was purity, the focus was on sex--how sinful it was outside of marriage, but how wonderful it was within.  An idol was made of sex, it seemed.  Some people now say they were promised a perfect sex-life in marriage if they followed all the rules.  I'm also hearing it referred to as the sexual prosperity gospel.  I can see why they would call it that.  I was never given any of these odd promises of perfect sex, but I knew some were.  Even in my experiences, the emphasis was on sex, which was ironic, considering they were trying to discourage it among teens.  

     For a couple of years as a young adult (aged 18-20), I had a roller coaster relationship with a young man I met doing mission work.  There was a very strong chemistry.  He came on very strongly, and he made me uncomfortable.  However, I was interested, and felt a strong mix of attraction to him and repulsion at how strongly he was coming across that I had a hard time wading through.  Some of it was embarrassing, while other parts were wonderful.  

     One of the ways he came onto me shortly after we met was in a class we were taking.  He stared at me, his eyes bulging out.  That made me feel almost offended, and I ignored it.  He started tapping me, and I still ignored him. Finally, he held the pen he was using in front of my face.  It was from one of those rallies, and said TRUE LOVE WAITS across the side of it.  He pointed at himself, then me, and winked.  My heart stood still and my blood froze.  What was he saying?  It felt like he was using his abstinence pen to actually make a sexual advance, or propose to me, or something!  I honestly didn't know how to take it.  It was at very least, a little flirtatious way to say, "Hey, I like you," but the emphasis on what true love "waits" to do kind of made me feel nauseous.  He had only met me a few days earlier at ministry headquarters.  Everyone thought he was perfect, and that any problem was my fault.  This gave me the message that to be in love means to be uncomfortable and allow someone I'm attracted to to go further than I feel right about.  Marriage was brought up, hinted at, flirted about--but always with a sexual undertone.  Ultimately, that relationship didn't work out.  He wasn't ready for anything, even though he had communicated otherwise, and come on so strongly.  My heart and spirit were ravaged by that experience.  

     The relationship ended when I told him I was making important life decisions and needed to know where we stood.  I confessed my feelings for him.  He took this opportunity to deny everything.  I felt hurt and embarrassed.  I felt played for the fool.  And the Purity Movement was on his side.  He had been manipulative, which was allowed under the Purity Culture rules (hypocrisy was okay, just not officially committing to anything).  He was the man, and could do whatever he wanted.  I was the woman, and (according to what everyone in that movement was saying) I had been wrong to deny his advances (which I had at times), and then question his intentions.  According to leaders like Elisabeth Elliot and Joshua Harris, I was supposed to let this guy waste my time and play with my heart.  I don't think so!  My time and life are valuable, and I don't think God would want me to waste them.  Psalm 90:12 says, Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.  

     To be fair and balanced, my husband found the opposite experience.  He found the Purity Movement allowed women to be manipulative, and men to be viewed as predators, even if their intentions were honorable.  He had a lot of hurtful experiences in Bible College as a result of it.  The "right" people were allowed to date/court, but if you weren't in with the right people on campus, you were a predator who was seen as sinning in pursuing a relationship.  It was all carnality disguised as virtue.  

     In my experience with mission trip boyfriend, everyone saw me as wrong and bad.  At very least, I was viewed as a liberal (even though I was a staunch Conservative who had recently voted for the first time ever for George W. Bush in the 2000 election).  My actual beliefs and views didn't matter, though.  I was some crazy extremist who had given my heart away and could never have a good marriage now, unless this same guy came back into my life, because I had given a piece of my heart to him, so he was the only one I could be with and be fulfilled.  Do you see how wrong this teaching was, and where it could lead if you follow it to its logical conclusion?  

     Every book I read about the subject (in desperately trying to find answers to what I had gone through) just condemned me, because they basically all said that women weren't supposed to confront men, ever, under any circumstance.  Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity almost left me wondering if she believed men had a right to rape women and women couldn't resist.  I hasten to add that she didn't say this at all, but her logic that women couldn't ever question or confront men led me to wonder where she believed the line could be drawn?  By the way, I am still that staunch Conservative, both biblically and politically, but I think the gender roles of the Purity Movement are absolutely reprehensible!  

     As it turned out (surprise, surprise) the only book that helped me was the Bible, and I realized it was the only book I needed.  All these Purity books were worthless to me.  They were only good for people who were still perfect (to be perfect in that movement meant you'd never liked someone who wasn't your future spouse yet--if you'd been dumped, you were damaged goods.  If you'd even sat with someone at an event or let him walk you to class, and he didn't end up being your husband, you were damaged goods!).  The Bible, on the other hand, was for us sinners who need help!  That was me!

     It needs to be stated that it has since come out that Elisabeth Elliot was in an abusive marriage (her third marriage after being widowed twice) when she wrote Passion and Purity.  It has also come out that her second marriage (while extremely happy prior to his death) had some ungodly things in the beginning of it (he was still married to his dying wife when he began pursuing Elisabeth, and she accepted this).  What does that prove about her narrow-minded and extra-biblical advice?  And the poster child for the Purity Movement, Joshua Harris, ended up divorced and leaving the faith.  Again, what does that say about all his legalistic claims?  Another who pushed some of the sexist rhetoric of the Purity Movement was Bill Gothard (whom I did not follow in any way), the founder and leader of the Institute of Basic Life Principles.  Sexual abuse was eventually uncovered in this organization, and Gothard's life himself, and he was removed from leadership.  Again, what is the takeaway when those pushing these things (which really aren't even biblical) fail to live up to them?  

Joshua and Shannon Harris early in their marriage (late 90s or early 2000s)--their facade of perfection was still firmly in place.  They allegedly had all the answers.  They were on top of the world, and I was on the bottom.

     I was left in a pit of despair, but the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, and with His help, and with God's word, I moved forward in my life.  While I don't encourage women to throw themselves at men (for their own dignity's sake!), I don't think it is a sin for women to speak up or call men to account.  I clarify that it isn't a sin for anyone to question another if misleading behavior is happening.  Men and women should honor each other, and be honored.  I do believe the Bible gives some guidelines for men and women, but not like the Purity Culture.  I didn't sin with this mission trip boyfriend.  He did.  It took years to get him out of my system.  Some lines had been crossed, even if they "technically" didn't violate the Purity Culture's rules.  It was a chance for me to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Jesus, in spite of what I felt.  In God's timing, I met my wonderful husband--the one God had led me to hold out for long before, as a young girl.  It has been better than I ever imagined!  God has been so faithful.  He is SO much better for me in every way!  He didn't play games or hint around.  

Our wedding picture--no facade of perfection, just the joy of being with the one God gave me--and we still have that joy!

     Some people ended up in godly, happy marriages as a result of the Purity Movement.  Some chose to live by biblical principles of waiting to have sex until marriage.  Some took from it that they didn't have to be consumed with dating as a teen.  If the Purity Movement helped someone wait on God for their spouse in a biblical way, then that's great.  But the extra-biblical advice hurt many.  It made navigating relationships confusing, because everyone was terrified to take any sort of initiative, lest they give a piece of their heart away and then be damaged goods.  These fears, and the manipulative behavior they spawned, are not of God in any way.  The graceless teachings are not of God (look at how God redeemed the prostitute Rahab--allowing her to marry into Israel and be an ancestor of Jesus--see Joshua 2-6; Matthew 1:5; Hebrews 11:31).  The very specific gender roles are not of God (God does have plans for male and female, but He doesn't put anyone into THAT narrow of a box--just read the Bible for men and women who took uncharacteristic action--Gideon, Deborah, Ruth, Esther, John the Baptist--for starters!).  Nowhere in the Bible will you find a step-by-step direction for how dating/courtship should be done (the few places where romantic pursuits are recorded, they are simply the stories of those experiencing them, not commands of God on how to do it).  Rather than focusing on that, we should be focusing on living for Christ in all areas of life.  The Bible and indwelling power of the Holy Spirit are to be our guide.  

     While I say this, not only it is hard for me to think back on the false teachings in the Purity Movement, but it is equally hard to hear it complained against and completely discarded for the opposite extreme of unbridled sex.  Many my age who are leaving the faith (they call it deconstructing) state the Purity Movement as their gripe with Jesus and Christianity.  That is so wrong, because they are not the same thing.  They are not synonyms.  God has so much better than the world offers, and He has so much better than well-meaning Purity Movement proponents offer.  What Jesus offers is real--Himself.  

     Some were affected a lot more profoundly than I was by the Purity Culture.  Some had families and churches that really pushed it to the extreme.  Some now say there was a lot of shaming about sexuality and natural feelings and desires.  I never experienced that, but if anyone did, that's not of God either.  God offers His people redemption and wholeness.  No matter how much you've messed up (legitimate sin, or just not following certain man-made standards) there is always hope.  

     While it had some good qualities, thinking about the Purity Culture always makes me feel hopeless.  I was incapable of living up to it.  I think many felt that way.  It made false promises it could not keep.  It offered security in certain behavior, instead of in a relationship with Christ.  It shamed people for having perfectly natural desires, rather than teaching them how to navigate them biblically.  Jesus offers more.  Read His word for your sense of self-worth and purpose.  Rest in His presence and let His Holy Spirit minister to your soul.  Wrestle with truths you don't understand, making them your own as the Lord reveals more and more of Himself to you.  That's what my early 20's looked like, and I am the better for it today.  

     Purity is of God, but the Purity Movement had many unbiblical teachings that were adapted into Christianity, becoming a false gospel in a sense.  Anytime we allow extra-biblical teachings in, it's not going to be good.  That's how cults and false religions start.  Read books for what they are, but go to the Bible for real counsel.  Many in the Purity Movement perfectly followed the principles in it, but failed miserably where it really counted.  Don't be like that.  Do it where it counts.  

Listen to Alison Cook and Camden Morgante discuss Purity Culture here.