Friendship

     Think about some of the best friendships you have had in your life.  Notice I didn't say the best friends.  Humans are equal, so the value shouldn't be placed on the person, but on the quality of the relationship (in my opinion at least).   When I was growing up, my mother taught me to be sensitive to other people's feelings.  Part of that involved not picking a "best friend" because it made other friends feel left out and less important.  She also forbade me from talking about parties or sleepovers that not everyone was invited to, because they would feel hurt not to be included.  Likewise, my grandmother told me that it was better to have several good friends than one "best friend."  The few times in my life I had what I considered "best friends" those relationships became codependent, and didn't last, at least not at that close level.  

With a good friend and our little sisters at McDonald's, Riverside, California, 1989.  I'm on the far right.  I have many happy childhood memories with friends.

     But seriously, think about good friendships you have enjoyed in your lifetime.  What made them special?  What is important in friendships?

     I recently read the book No Greater Love: A Biblical Vision For Friendship by Rebecca McLaughlin.  I'll give the link to oder at the end of this post.  McLaughlin argues that romance has overshadowed the importance of friendships at times, and I can see her point.  I know when I watch at movie or start a novel, I start to wonder, "Okay, who's going to fall in love?" and I start making guesses, even if it's not really intended as a romance (since other genres tend to add romance to their stories to hold interest).  But this book focuses on why friendships are so important.  

     McLaughlin argues that our first family is really the Body of Christ.  Our nuclear families are of vital importance, but the Body of Christ is much bigger and more impactful than individual families.  McLaughlin shares that when she's in church, she and her husband don't even sit together.  They look for lonely people off by themselves to sit by and include.  She makes the point that often, married people kind of seem more important in Western Christianity, but that wasn't always the case in church history.  There was a time when singleness was viewed as spiritually superior.  

     I can relate to the idea of marital status being a barrier.  When I was single in my late 20's, I was in a woman's Bible study that was mostly comprised of homeschool moms.  These women were all BFF's, and I didn't really fit in.  A lot of these women were wonderfully sweet to me, and I'm not putting anyone down, but there was a lot of thoughtlessness.  These women would invite each other over in front of me, and not include me.  I was invisible.  I didn't have a husband to hang out with their husbands, nor did I have children to play with their children, so I was of no use to invite to their little get-togethers.  It made me feel like I was back in junior high, being left out by catty mean girls.  I couldn't wait to get married, and have status and prestige at last.  Of course, that wasn't the only reason I wanted to marry.  I wanted to meet the love of my life, and share my heart and journey with the man God had for me.  I happily met and married Walter shortly after this women's Bible study situation.  But by that time, I was in a different Bible study.  In this new Bible study, I was the only married woman.  All the single women my age around me were BFF's, and they'd invite each other out for coffee in front of me, but did not include me.  Sound familiar?  I wanted to scream!  I just couldn't catch a break!  It's almost funny now, but also eye-opening that marital status shouldn't be a barrier in Christian friendships, and it's hurtful when that happens.

     The Body of Christ should be known for loving each other.  Jesus said so, in John 13:35, By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.  We should be known for including each other, which is why Rebecca McLaughlin makes such an effort to reach out to others in church.  She relayed several stories from her own church, and how members have rallied around her family and others in times of need.  That's what Christians should do for each other.  

     McLaughlin gives several examples from the Epistles about the closeness of believers in the early church.  Many are referred to as "beloved."  Often, people of the same sex are said to love each other, and there is nothing strange attributed to it.  It is only as homosexuality has become more prominent in our world and culture that friendship love has been looked at as odd, and people have to be a lot more careful to avoid giving a wrong message.  The book gives examples from history (even relatively recent history) when people of the same sex expressed deep friendship love.  It is sad that this is harder to do these days. 

     Another point made is that the best friendships happen when we find people who are likeminded, and we share a goal together.  I can relate to that.  Some of my closest friendships were formed doing ministry together.  Having a close bond brought about by working together toward a common purpose is vital for the best kind of friendships.  We should be comrades in arms.  As Christians fighting spiritual battles together, we are ready-made for this type of connection.

     Sometimes, friendships seem to develop an "inner ring" where you have your closest level of friends.  That's not wrong, but it is far better to be including others into your inner ring than keeping others out.  I already mentioned my single/married Bible study experiences.  When I was single in the group of mostly married women, one woman blatantly told me that she didn't include me because "you're not at the same life stage as me."  Ouch.  I saw her do this to others too.  She said the reason she wasn't close with another woman in the group was because she had daughters and the other women had sons, and so they didn't have that commonality.  Apparently, to this woman's thinking, you could only be friends with people who have children the same sex as yours.  This woman became very protective of her "inner ring" friendships, and went into attack mode if I or anyone else outside her ring formed a bond with someone in her ring.  By attack-mode, I mean lying, gossiping, insulting--anything she could do to regain control of her inner ring and friendships.  We can't be like that if we're going to have biblical friendships.

     Christians are Christ's body, and we're all needed and vital in order for the Body to do what it is supposed to do.  We can help each other with our "body building" (working on being who God wants us to be).  We don't always see the sinful patterns in our own lives, and that's where Christian friends can lovingly help us.  Friends shouldn't be "yes-men."  They should be willing to speak the truth in love.  Recongizing how vital each member of the Body is can also ward off jealousy, because the liver isn't in competition with the lungs, and the brain isn't in competition with the heart.  We're all vital.  

     McLaughlin makes the point that the distinction between marriage and friendships are what help keep both in-check.  She quoted author and pastor Russell Moore from his 2017 blog post in asking Will a happy marriage prevent an affair?  Moore concluded that most spouses who cheat don't do so because the other person is more attractive than their spouse, but rather to connect with a part of their lives that used to be, or has never been.  He goes on to say, The secret lover seems to make the married person feel young or "alive" again, until everything comes crashing down.  The person is usually not looking for a sexual experience but for an alternative universe, one in which he or she made different choices.  While this is sinful and devastating in marriage, friendships really can help us explore more of ourselves in a non-sinful way.  Every friendship has a potential to bring out a part of us that has never yet been explored.  That is why we must never muddle an exclusive, covenant relationship such as marriage with various and free relationships like friendships.  

     McLaughlin uses the analogy of pizza.  The slices aren't all exactly the same sizes, but they are all cut to the middle.  So are our friendships.  We don't devote the exact same amount of time to all of them, and as life moves on and priorities change, we might change the amount of time we devote to some or others, but they all go to the center of your heart anyway.  It is important to have many good friends that go to your heart, or else you risk making your friendship unhealthily exclusive, like a marriage.  That's where I feel kind of uncomfortable with grown women still talking about their "best friend."  Friendships shouldn't be competitive.  They should be assets to us, and even each other.  Two of my closest friends in ministry right now are also close friends with each other.  I get together with them individually, or together, and sometimes, the two of them get together without me.  They have a friendship with me, but also with each other apart from me--and that's okay!  It's healthy!  

Matina and Stacey, two of my very close friends, who are also close with one another.  We serve the Lord together, which is where the strength of the friendship comes from!

     I have lost friendships in my own life.  Some of these losses have been deep griefs to me.  In some cases, the friend walked away,  In other cases, I did.  In one case, I had a dear friend I'd known since kindergarten, but she had a habit of making me feel undervalued.  It was as if I wasn't even important enough to be a slice of her pizza (using the metaphor above).  She constantly built a wall between us constructed of other people.  She would tell me about her "best friend" so-and-so, and how she couldn't see me, because of this other friend.  She would downplay the parts of her life where we had met and known each other, and really amplify the times in her life when we weren't in touch.  I would guess she did this to her "best friends" too, and maybe I was even the "best friend" in her story to someone else, but I just couldn't take that anymore.  I still miss her, and treasure the memories of our childhood friendship.  I sometimes question if walking away was right, but I didn't feel valued, and that is important.  

     I had another friendship that ended, also at my initiative.  This situation was very different.  I still love and miss this friend a lot.  We really had a meeting of the minds when we'd get together.  We could discuss ideas and thoughts on a deep level, and we really enjoyed each other that way.  But life and circumstances separated us (we ended up living in different states) and being in different parts of the country seemed to really affect our friendship negatively.  Our correspondence became difficult, and we ended up having a lot we disagreed on.  I felt this friend was one-upping me and lecturing me, and on her end, she said she felt I didn't listen to her.  I tried for a very long time to bridge the gap, but it just wasn't working.  It wasn't fruitful, and I just had to walk away and end it.  I hope that one day, God will restore that relationship, but it has to be Him, because we damaged it too badly in our own sinfulness.  

     I've had other friendships that end, only to be resurrected later on.  One friend of mine, whom I'll call Jennifer, was very close with me for a while. She was one of my "best friends."  We did everything together for a while.  We did ministry.  We read Christian books together.  We went out for ice cream and stuided our Bibles together.  We went roller skating and camping together.  Then she met the man she is now married to, and it changed the dynamics of our friendship too much for it to survive.  I tried to be supportive of this new relationship (while silently wondering When will it be my turn, God?), but we just grew too distant, and I had a hard time adjusting, and Jennifer ended the friendship.  Don't misread this, but it almost made me feel like I'd been through a breakup, which was a sign the friendship was codependent to begin with (see next paragraph about codependency!).  Years later, Jennifer's niece looked me up in the phonebook (which also had my address listed) and wrote me a letter, telling me she missed when I used to be close with their family and teach her in Sunday school.  This reopened my relationship with them all, and Jennifer and I reestablished our friendship, and remain friends to this day.  Another friend and I also became too codependent, and it led to a temporary fracture in the relationship, but God graciously brought it back around, and we are good friends now, much healthier than in the past.  

     We must resist codependency.  To explain codependency, McLaughlin shares the story of when she was counseling a friend who was very unhealthily enmeshed with another friend.  McLaughlin told this woman, referring to the other friend, "I think she needs to work out who she is when you're not there," to which the woman replied, "I don't think I know who I am when she's not there!"  Those blurred lines between ourselves and friends can be codependency.  It's unhealthy, and I imagine many of us have grappled with it.  True, good friends really can help you discovered your unexplored self, seeing things in you that you can work on and develop in your life.  These are great kinds of friends to have.  

     The book addresses the line between platonic and sexual relationships.  She mentioned the "Billy Graham Principle" (so-called because Billy Graham popularized it) which is that a man and woman who are not married to each other (but at least one is married to someone else) should not meet up alone.  I've also heard this called the "Three Rule" meaning a third person should always be involved when a male and female must be together.  I (as well as the author) think this is a wise principle, but she pointed out (and I agree) that it can also be used legalistically, or to imply all male-female interactions are sexualized, which is not true.  

     In my early 20's, I started to attend a discipleship class taught by a much older man who was a ministry veteran.  The goal of the class was that he would meet with us as a group, but also meet with us individually.  But he told me, "I'm not willing to meet with you alone, because I don't want you to fall in love with me."  I was appalled and disgusted at what he was implying.  I don't think what he wanted to do (having a third person in our meetings) was bad at all--it was probably wise and good--but him saying it like that to me really disturbed me.  I didn't continue with the group (for entirely other reasons).  

     Likewise, I knew a young man who took the three rule pretty far.  He was single, and so was his female coworker, so it wasn't quite the same ballpark as one or both of them being married to someone else.  Nevertheless, he was so afraid of the appearance of evil that he would drive 50 miles out of his way to pick up a third person so that he wouldn't be alone with her in the car for one mile!  Think of all the time and gasoline he wasted in order to keep this rule.  Even yet, I'm not saying he was wrong, but it was kind of extreme.  In the book, McLaughlin suggests that we take each relationship on a case by case basis.  We should always avoid being a stumbling block to our friends, and if there is a chance a friend sees us romantically (even if we don't see it that way), we need to be very careful.  She even addressed believers who struggle with same-sex attraction.  Rebecca McLaughlin shares that, while she is happily married to a man she loves very much, she is attracted to women, and has had to guard her heart.  But she points out that everyone is called to do that, not just those who battle same-sex attraction.  Whether it is dealing with opposite sex or same sex friendships, we need to love and glorify the Lord in our interactions.  McLaughlin shares that she is accountable to a friend regularly for where her attractions are going, and she urges everyone to be open and accountable to someone, because sexual sin doesn't happen in a vacuum.  First Thessalonians 4 talks about how we should abstain from sexual immorality (verse 3) and yet at the same time love one another (verse 9).  

     Friendships with non-Christians are addressed.  McLaughlin shares more about some of her friendships with unbelievers.  They are respectful and loving relationships.  Her hope and desire is that these friends come to know Jesus, but she knows she can't make that choice for them.  She points out that we can't downplay the importance of the things we disagree on, because they deal with life and eternity.  At the same time, we can love and show respect, and really listen and hear people out, even when we disagree.  She advocates for living transparently before unbelieving friends, rather than hiding our weaknesses and pretending we have it all together.  Christians are not to avoid unbelievers and retreat into our little Christian cultures, nor are we to blend in with the world.  Jesus gave a better answer.  Christians are the light of the world (Matthew 5:14), and that's what we need to be in our relationships with unsaved friends.  

     The book closes talking about doing life together as Christians.  We are to lay down our lives, and that doesn't necessarily mean taking a bullet for them.  It might mean answering a late-night phone call and talking a friend through a crisis, when you'd rather sleep.  It might mean some other sacrifice.  But Christians should sacrificially love one another like that.  We must forgive each other, and if one sins, deal with it biblically.  There must be freedom in the friendship.  McLaughlin shares how she once lost a friendship because of her own sin, and this dear friend felt the need to step away.  True friendships have that freedom.  

      Friendships are vital relationships, but often underestimated.  Cherish the friends God has placed in your life today.  

You can view and order Rebecca McLaughlin's No Great Love: A Biblical Vision For Friendship here.