I am going to share about the most humbling experience I ever had, how it changed my life and outlook, and how it led me into odds with certain fellow Christians.
I was nineteen years old in 2001. I was doing many things right in my life, both superficially and deep inside. I was faithful in daily Bible reading and prayer. I taught children in AWANA and Sunday school at our local church. I wanted to obey God and do right. I was even facing a moral dilemma at work, and earnestly seeking the Lord about what to do, and having victory in following God's will in the situation. I was an obedient Christian witness, seeing many come to Christ. I don't share any of this to toot my own horn. I say all of this to illustrate that even those who are doing right and really love the Lord can fall into foolish patterns, and need God's help to get out of them.
The previous summer (2000), I had served on a very difficult mission trip. It was difficult for many, many reasons, one of which was that a young man--a fellow missionary--had been a stumbling block to me. There were so many red flags with this guy. He had pursued me in a very immature manner. He hadn't simply been friendly or acted like he wanted to get to know me, though perhaps that was what he meant to do. He had stared me down, followed me around creepily, talked to me in weird voices and said random things that I didn't know how to respond to, and made awkward advances. Many references to sex and marriage were made. I was both attracted to him and horrified by him. I was honestly interested, but I was overwhelmed by the way he was approaching me. I didn't know how to respond to his unusual behavior. I was very impressed by him when we'd do ministry together, and I wished he would change his methods of pursuit, because I actually wanted him to be "the one" for me. I was eighteen then, and loved the idea of meeting my future husband while doing ministry.
Some of his advances sexually aroused me beyond what is right for unmarried people. Before this experience, I knew I had a sex drive. I knew I liked boys. I had even had a boyfriend in junior high (pretty innocent, but there was attraction). However, this experience with this guy awakened something in me that wasn't supposed to be awakened yet. Song of Solomon 8:4 says, Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right. Everyone talks about how women shouldn't make men stumble by their clothing--and I agree. But no one was addressing this man making me stumble, or even acknowledging a man could make a women stumble. What he awakened in me was something strong and powerful, that I would not exercise until my wedding night--with a much better man.
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| Janelle and Walter's wedding picture |
One particular night back in 2000, this young man from the mission trip came onto me in a way that totally and completely aroused and woke me up sexually. I won't go into further detail than this. It was a clumsy advance, but the passion was there, and in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more than to give myself to him--body, mind, and spirit. That terrified me! This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this!
Even beyond the Biblical/Christian side of it, it angered me that he was doing this without properly establishing his intentions. I felt disrespected. I believe he was a young man who let his hormones guide him--not a predator--but I felt unsafe, and furious. I rejected his advance that night, and he cried about it, and refused to look at me after that. I was devastated. I was humiliated. I still wanted him, and somehow felt that I could have done something different, and it might have caused him to pursue me the right way. That was unhealthy on my part, and that's another story.
Those red flags were there. He had been inappropriate. Maybe he was immature and inexperienced, and should be afforded a little grace. Okay, he has it. But it still made me stumble. All that next year, I regretted how things ended between us. I wanted him so much, and I cried about how it had gone. The next summer rolled around, and I found out both of us would be going on another mission trip, and be around each other again. I decided then and there that if he was still interested in me, I was going to snag him.
What was driving me? Was it genuine guidance from the Holy Spirit? Was it genuine conviction from God that I had handled the situation wrongly the summer before and needed to make it right? Was it a genuine desire for closure? No, no and no. It was sex. I hate to say that, but it's true. This man had awakened a very deep, God-given need. This desire and need became the guiding force. Even though I was doing right in many other areas of life, I wasn't seeking the Holy Spirit in this situation. I was following my sex drive. I'll even add that I wasn't motivated to try to have sex with him outside of marriage. I wanted to marry him, and then have sex. So what I wanted to do wasn't sinful in itself, but that didn't make it right.
The short story is, all I did was give this young man more opportunity to hurt me. He aroused me even more, and spoke passionately about our future as man and wife, and of our honeymoon, and the children we would have together. I really believed this was the Lord--but it wasn't. It was two sinners interacting with spiritual-sounding words in a spiritual environment. I read into so many "signs" to make it seem like God's will. For example:
1) I once prayed that if this was guy was God's man for me, I'd see a state flag without an American flag that day, and I did.
2) I had this devotional book that had a verse for every day. The verse for his and my birthdays happened to be from the same chapter of the Bible, and I took that as God's leading that we were meant to be together.
3) We had these matching keychains, and every time I lost mine (or tried to get rid of it after that relationship ended), it somehow kept coming back to me, sometimes in mysterious ways. I took that as God telling me to hold out for him (by the way, I eventually threw it into the Pacific Ocean and never got it back--good riddance).
4) I took things like us both being late to breakfast one morning as God's orchestrating us walking to the cafeteria together and ending up together.
5) There was a certain song we both liked, and whenever I'd randomly hear it--especially after the relationship ended--I thought God was causing me to hear it to tell me to hold out for him.
None of these things were God's leading. If this guy had somehow been the one God had for me, those things would just be funny little coincidences that went with the greater way God would have led. But it wasn't God's will, so they mean nothing. NOTHING! They were normal things that could have happened anyway. I used them as a crystal ball, instead of trusting the Lord. I was trying to spiritualize my sexual need by reading into things, and I was wrong. Following my own way had led only to hurt and humiliation, and my need was still unmet.
When this relationship ultimately didn't work out, I was crushed. I was wounded deeply. My hopes and dreams seemed shattered. That was when the real guidance of God began in my life. After I was done doing it my way, for my own needs, I was able to really hear God's voice. I realized that I hadn't been truly seeking His voice in my life about this situation. I was seeking confirmation about things I wanted to do anyway. I was doing what I wanted and asking God to bless it. My sexual need (which was legitimate) had become my god (which was not legitimate). When I realized this, I repented. I was horrified by how easy it was to get into that. I wrote in my diary at the time, Sometimes, you don't know how crooked your path has become until you put it next to a straight path. I had gotten off-track. But God was merciful. He loves it when we repent and come to Him for help. He is our helper (Hebrews 13:6).
In the midst of the hurt, I felt God's comfort, and His speaking to my heart and life. He led me to a fruitful ministry in the Los Angeles area, where I was in my element, seeing many come to Christ. One of the first young people who came to salvation was discipled in our ministry, and is now a full-time missionary herself.
When I repented of imposing my will over God's, I decided right then and there that I never wanted to be wrong like that again. I wanted to hear God's voice for real, and know when He was speaking to me. I didn't want to go about my merry way, only to discover too late that I had been wrong all along. I didn't want to waste my time on anything that wasn't part of God's plan for me. I wanted to live in obedience to the Lordship of Christ in every area of my life, including my sexual desires and eventual marriage. I decided that a right relationship with God was more important than my plans working out.
I had been humiliated. I had been humbled. I wanted to read the Bible all the time. I wanted to listen to messages about surrender and sacrifice. I wanted to see God work in lives as only He can. I didn't want fake imitations. I wanted the real thing. I'd had enough of my way and where it led.
This is a side note, but I remained a virgin until my wedding night. It was hard, because after that night in 2000, I never got "un-aroused", but Jesus is truly enough. We are all called to deny ourselves, take up our crosses daily, and follow Him (Luke 9:23). This experience of unfulfilled sexual arousal for years is why I can't agree with those who say sexual sin is acceptable, and that it is unreasonable to expect people not to give into it. Jesus is greater than that, and He can help us. He helped me, even when it was hard and painful.
This humbling experience changed me for the better. Before that, I was a good Christian who wanted to do right. After this, Jesus was my everything. Things that used to satisfy me didn't. The next year, when I was 20, I became disillusioned with Christian bookstores, realizing that most of what was sold there wasn't meant for me. There were a handful of Christian books I read that affirmed this truth, but most did not. The Christian culture as a whole couldn't fulfill me. Only Jesus could do it. He became my Lord in a new way. Only God's word, with the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit, could speak to my real needs inside. I carried a pocket New Testament everywhere I went, and there were days I couldn't go thirty minutes without getting it out and reading it, needing the life-giving sustenance of God's word. I was hungry, and only Jesus could satisfy me.
Because I had been humbled by following (and spiritualizing) my own way for a little while, I was very sensitive to Christian-sounding teachings that didn't line up with the truth. Around this time, I ran into the teaching that basically says you can do whatever you want, as long as it isn't defined in the Bible as sin. This teaching goes on to imply that God doesn't guide your life or actions, doesn't have a plan for our lives, and that you don't need to check with God before making decisions. You can do whatever you want (provided it isn't defined as sinful in the Bible). One Bible teacher I otherwise respect but disagree with on this point says that God will meet you on the other side of your decision and make it His will. I don't see this anywhere in scripture. In fact, I see the opposite. Where does faith fit into this teaching?
God guided people all through the Bible. There are more examples that I can name here. One of my favorite examples early in the biblical narration is from Genesis 24. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. The servant realized how vital it was to have God's guidance, and prayed for some very specific things, and God met every one of them, revealing what Rebekah was the one He had chosen for Isaac. Psalm 32:8 says, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you. Isaiah 30:21 says, And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. The Holy Spirit was given to believers in Acts 2. Prior to this, Jesus told His disciples that the Holy Spirit would comfort and teach them (John 14:26). Saved people in the book of Acts had the Holy Spirit's leading and guidance (Peter and Paul most notably). God clearly led His people, in the Old and New Testaments. Why would we think God stopped guiding His people?
I've used this example in other posts, but it fits here. Jonah could be used as an example of someone who did something that wasn't defined as a sin, and yet he did sin, because he disobeyed God's specific leading. There was no scripture in the Mosaic Law that told him it was wrong to get on a ship to Tarshish. He could have used that logic. He could have said, "There's nothing in scripture that tells me I can't get on this ship." And yet he was disobeying God's specific directions to him. I believe that is true for us today. It isn't enough to avoid things that are technically sin. We need to be immersed in Jesus Christ, to the point that we hear Him and obey His directions.
A song that was popular among my mission trip friends and me in the late 90s and early 2000s was called In the Secret. I love the chorus It says, I want to know You/ I want to hear Your voice/ I want to know you more/I want to touch You/ I want to see Your face/ I want to know You more. This song is about a consuming hunger for Christ, and to hear from Him. That summed up the Lordship He wanted in my life. Just avoiding sin didn't seem to fit.
I will say that avoiding sin is a good start. If something is said to be a sin in God's word, we are right to stay away from it. But the Christian life is so much more than merely avoiding sin. It is about loving God more than our own desires. It is about making Jesus the Lord of our decisions, not just our salvation (though He certainly must be the Lord of our salvation before anything else). It is about a relationship with God, where He speaks to us, comforts us, and leads and guides us, and we obey, and see the fruit of that obedience, both in this life, and in eternity.
We don't need to agonize over daily decisions (I need to run to the post office and the grocery store--which one is God's will for me to go to first?). We make our daily choices, surrendered to God's leading. Sometimes, He redirects us, as He did with the Apostle Paul in Acts 16:6-10. We recognize He is always at work. We consider how He is guiding and directing our paths, and obey His leading to the best of what we know to do. When we are wrong, we promptly admit it and repent. We move on, doing the next right thing.
Ultimately, God is Sovereign. He can override all that isn't His will. But that isn't a reason to avoid seeking Him or His leading. The idea isn't to always make perfect decisions, but to be surrendered to Jesus in all areas of life. He, not our wants or desires (or even needs), should be guiding us. If that surrender is there, we can be confident that our decisions will line up with God's will. We will still make mistakes at times, because we are human, and that is the nature of being human. But we get up and keep going.
As another side note, it is also important to know God doesn't always lead believers to do the same things. Within God's Word and the guidance of the Holy Spirit, He can lead us differently, and we must respect that. My husband and I are led to have our son in a Christian school (where I also teach). Other friends of ours feel led to have their children in public schools they feel comfortable with. Still others feel led to homeschool. We all need to realize God can lead us differently in these things, and almost anything else in life. Some believers are called into full-time mission work, while others are called to work an office job, or in retail, or something else. Obedience to His leading is the key. This means the obedient Walmart cashier will receive the same rewards in Heaven as the obedient missionary. Obedience to God is key.
I was humiliated, and then humbled, by my mistakes in making my own choices. That humiliation and humbling led to a deeper walk with Jesus, and a disagreement with teachings that didn't fit with this truth. Several of my friends went down the road of making their own non-sinful decisions. That wasn't enough for me. When I die, it isn't enough that people would say at my funeral, "She made a lot of decisions that weren't sinful." I'd much rather have them say, "Jesus was everything to her, and look what He did through her life. I want that!"
In what ways have you been wrong? How have you allowed God to transform your errors into His teachable moments to make you more like Jesus?
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