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| Me in kindergarten (1987) and a few days ago (2026). |
I have spent my entire life being a nerd.
Not the sanitized “Disney smart girl” version. Not the trendy internet version where someone wears glasses ironically and calls herself quirky. I mean a real nerd (starting before there even was an internet, and before Disney tried to make it "cool"). I was and am the kind of nerd who never quite understands the social rules, makes multiple faux pas, thinks too intensely, talks too deeply, cares too much, and cannot seem to stop being visibly herself no matter how hard she tries to blend in (not that I exactly wanted to blend in, but I never realize in real time how out of sync I look).
Even when I try to look polished for a special occasion, I still somehow look like a nerd. I have accepted this. In fact, I like it. I like my big glasses (I just pick the frames that are "me" and that's what I end up with), my awkward accessories, my unfashionable yet still somehow attractive-on-me clothes, my visible intellectualism. It's my look. My husband met me in full nerd glory and fell instantly for me. Accepting myself this way has never been my problem, but getting past the dark side of it has been painful.
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| A picture of Walter and me during our long-ago engagement period. This was months after we had met, but I actually look like I did the day we had met, with that awkward knit headband that looks like ear-warmers, dominant glasses, tacky earrings, and (yikes) diagonal stripes. I still think I look really pretty though. And even though I can see in the picture how my look is chaotic and a lot to take in, I can never tell in the moment and would totally style myself like this again. I do it all the time and am shocked by pictures! |
Because there is a dark side to being a Christian nerd.
The strange thing is that I have rarely struggled in secular environments. Unsaved neighbors and college friends were generally nice. Secular jobs have praised me, promoted me, given me raises, and treated me like royalty. I connect deeply with people. I work hard. I care intensely. Children love me. Students remember me years later. I mentor well. I teach passionately. In doing ministry to unsaved people, I have repeatedly seen children come to love God’s Word through my influence.
And yet over and over again, I have found myself rejected in Christian environments.
Not because I denied the faith. Not because I was immoral. Not because I was lazy or apathetic. Quite the opposite. I was often “too much” specifically because I cared so deeply.
This is hard to share this bluntly, but when I was fourteen, I got kicked out of a church for witnessing. It was more involved than just that. It was a power struggle. My father was told that I was “too different” and that no one could be expected to accept someone as strange as me. I was regularly called “nerd” and “geek.” The irony is that I was not some rebellious atheist kid trying to destroy the church. I was a sweet, nerdy girl who loved Jesus and wanted people saved.
I used to walk through department stores and write “Jesus Saves” on Magna Doodles in the toy aisle because I wanted strangers to encounter the Gospel.
That is either adorable or embarrassing depending on who is reading this.
Probably both.
But that was me. I was told I wasn't normal enough (but my thought was, "Who wants to be normal?")
I was the girl with awkwardly crimped bangs, layered vests, five-dollar vocabulary, and a brain that never shut off. I loved theology. I loved evangelism. I loved Scripture. I loved people. I was also socially awkward, intense, visually (and cluelessly) very nerdy and completely incapable of becoming cool (good thing I never wanted or valued coolness).
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| 1995--me as a teen nerd girl in a formal but unfashionable ensemble. I think I was very pretty, actually. Believe it or not, I got attention from boys (cute nerd boys that I found adorable too). |
Later, as an adult, I was kicked out of a very cliquish women's Bible study for not fitting in. I had been pegged as the nerd in the group by the very snooty leader. It was really juvenile.
I know many of these Christians I've mentioned--who believed I didn't fit the mold--were sincere and thought they were protecting the culture of the ministry. Church culture often values conformity more than it realizes. Even so, their discomfort with my visible differences and personality often translated into real rejection. That hurt deeply, and I mattered too. Not every exclusion was innocent; some of it carried real malice. Still, God has always used flawed, broken people — even when they wound others — to accomplish His purposes.
I think people often confuse “different” with “dangerous.”
Especially in Christian subcultures.
A socially awkward person who stays quiet and weak is often tolerated. But a socially awkward nerd who is strong-minded, conviction-driven, influential, and unwilling to surrender his or her identity can become threatening very quickly. I don't want trouble, but I will make a stand if something isn't right, or doesn't line up. I follow things to their logical conclusions and point out fallacies (all while unwittingly looking like a geeky sitcom character--or, as many compared me to, Velma from Scooby Doo!). That doesn't always endear me to everyone. I think my appearance itself became symbolic. My eccentric lack of trend alliance announced something before I ever spoke:
“This person is not easily controllable.”
I have been in many situations where I never quite fit the culture no matter how hard I tried. I did exactly what these institutions claimed to value. I taught Scripture passionately. I loved children deeply. I received very high praise from those served.
And yet I still felt outside.
That is the dark side of being a Christian nerd. You can bear real fruit while still feeling perpetually out of sync socially. You can be used mightily of God to change lives for eternity while still feeling vaguely rejected by the system around you. You can sincerely love Christ and still feel like people are constantly trying to sand down the visible edges of who you are. I cannot tell you how many people wanted me to burn my wardrobe, get contact lenses and get a makeover (claiming I'd never find love until I did). Joke's on them--I married my soulmate without any of those changes, and he is deeply attracted to me as I am (and the feeling's mutual).
| We make a pretty good matched set if I do say so myself. |
It was actually hurtful to have well-meaning people imply I wasn't good enough and needed to be changed to meet their standard of beauty. Ronans 14:4 says, Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. I hear this verse used a lot to say you shouldn't judge fellow Christians if they take a different stand than you do on alcohol consumption or something like that. But let's apply it to geeky Christians who don't want a makeover too! Let them be themselves without commentary, please.
God has used this intense, nerdy mind He gave me to teach His Word, love children, and reach people who might not connect with a more conventional messenger. He chooses His servants for His glory. Vessels of honor (Second Timothy 2:21).
I've never been formally diagnosed, but for the last several years I’ve suspected I might be on the autism spectrum. So much of my life — the lifelong social awkwardness, the intense interests, the way I’ve always felt “out of sync” even in rooms full of kind people — suddenly makes more sense when viewed through that lens. Whether or not I ever get an official diagnosis, I’ve come to see this part of how God made me as a superpower rather than a defect. I share this not to label myself, but because it might help others who’ve felt the same way.
This same nerdy intensity shows up in everyday things too. For an example, I’m terrified of ever overdrawing my bank account (it has never happened), so I check my balance daily (sometimes more than once daily) and manually subtract every outstanding transaction to make sure my math is correct. It’s one small way my brain tries to create order and certainty in a world that often feels unpredictable
A good thing my social awkwardness has accomplished is made me totally dependent on God. I see it this way: I can't even understand or follow unspoken social rules that everyone else seems to "get" effortlessly. I can't put together a cohesive outfit or look "normal". How can I possibly make it through life on my own? I can't! I need God for everything, and so do you (awkward nerd or not). We are told in Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths. I'm already oriented toward leaning on Him, and I thank God for making me this way.
For years I wondered if the rejections I've felt from some Christian institutions meant God Himself was rejecting me. If perhaps all my efforts were “wood, hay, and stubble” because I was too weird, too awkward, too intense, too visibly nerdy. But I no longer think God despises the nerd girl He created (I actually never theologically thought He did, but it can be hard detaching God from His flawed people).
I think He made me exactly as I am.
Not accidentally.
Not as a mistake.
Not as a failed glamorous woman.
But as a nerd girl with a loud mind, a tender conscience, a love for Scripture, and a refusal to become fake for acceptance.
Even in the middle of those painful rejections, I’ve learned something important: I always eventually find my people.
They’re rarely the ones in the most polished, popular Christian circles. Instead, they tend to be other deep thinkers, fellow awkward nerds, passionate Bible students, and people who love Jesus with their whole messy hearts. Some of them are neurodivergent like I suspect I am. Some are just gloriously unconventional. Over the years I’ve found them in homeschool co-ops, online theology groups, children’s ministry, and quiet corners of churches where the “cool” ones don’t usually hang out. When I do find them, the connection is rich and real. They don’t ask me to shrink. They let me talk about Scripture, or about things like infralapsarian vs supralapsarian for three hours straight if I want to. And I do the same for them. Those friendships have been some of God’s kindest gifts to me.
The very best of these kindred spirit relationships has been my husband. I love our story. A few different mutual friends who didn't even know each other knew we had to meet! One friend finally invited us both to her party. We started talking, and when we looked up, four hours had passed and the party was over! He got my number, and a few nights later, he called, and we talked on the phone all night! Our first date was a few days after that, and we stayed in the restaurant until it closed at midnight. We were engaged within weeks, married within months. We are soulmates, and we still have that bond that can keep us in gripping conversation late into the night. We are blessed to get to serve in ministry together as well. I am so thankful for our story, which I believe God wrote for us before he crated the world!
First Samuel 16:7 says that man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. That is such an encouragement to anyone with a heart for God, but who has ever felt underestimated for their appearance or the way they come across.
I don't always understand how Christians can hurt or reject each other, but I don't have to sort it out. The Apostles conflicted and parted ways too sometimes in Acts, and it was used for God's glory. God still has a plan for me, even if I don't fit into every environment.
And perhaps there are others like me sitting quietly in churches and ministries right now wondering whether being “too different” makes them spiritually defective. Maybe you don't share my problem of looking like the geeky sitcom character. Maybe you're being made to feel "too much" in another way.
God used so many people in scripture, with so many idiosyncrasies. John the Baptist wasn't a very conventional dresser (Mark 1:6)! Elijah was intense and moody (First Kings 19). You are made in His image (Genesis 1:27)! You are His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10). Our worth doesn’t come from fitting into Christian subculture. It comes from being hidden in Christ — the same Lord who chose fishermen, tax collectors, and a wildly dressed desert prophet to advance His kingdom. Let Christ sanctify You, and within that, embrace who He made you to be! Jesus has chosen you for His glory!
