This happened to me in the summer of 2011. I was in California's high desert, doing ministry. We were training youth to share their faith, teaching backyard Bible clubs, and doing open air evangelism. The family we stayed with were and still are very good friends of mine. One particular day, they had extra company, and everyone was visiting and socializing. This was when I noticed one of their daughters. Erika (not her real name) was sixteen years old. She was sweet, but a little bit emotional. I noticed her sitting off by herself, watching all the interactions from afar. My heart went out to her, so I went over to talk to her.
"You okay, Erika?" I asked.
She looked at me sadly. "Nobody's including me. They're just all rude and don't like me."
"I'm sure that's not true," I tried to encourage her. "I'm sure they'd be happy for you to join them. But you have to do it.. Go join in."
"No, they don't want me to," She replied forlornly.
I felt very sad for Erika. Not only was she missing out on a fun time of fellowship, but she was also making wrong assumptions about people who actually cared about her.
But then another feeling hit me. Shame. Realization. I have done exactly what Erika was doing--many times! I've ostracized myself, waiting for people to bend over backwards to include me, and taking their lack of doing this to mean they didn't like me, or wanted to leave me out.
Being left out and excluded can be a legitimate experience. It is a painful experience. There are some cruel people out there who build themselves up by hurting and excluding others. Sadly, this happens. It has probably happened to everybody at some point. I find it most common among junior high girls. I've seen it a few times among grown women as well. I have legitimately experienced this. I believe the root is insecurity.
Having said that, I have come to the point that I believe most of the time when I feel left out, it is a state of mind. I am doing exactly what Erika was doing. I exclude myself in hopes that someone will reach out. But of course, they don't. They have their own lives and thoughts. It is up to me to be friendly and reach out if I want to be included. Most people are kind and happy to include me when I reach out and include myself. It would be nice if everyone was thoughtful enough all the time to intentionally reach out to people who are off by themselves...but they aren't. So, sometimes we need to step in ourselves. Proverbs 18:24 says, A man that hath friends must show himself friendly...
I had no idea about any of this until that day I saw Erika ostracizing herself. It was like a light was turned on in my brain. I was 29 years old, and had wasted so many years feeling left out when that wasn't what was really happening at all. I had probably missed out on some good relationships with fellow believers over the years. I have regrets. But, I also learned something from seeing Erika do exactly what I have done. From that day forward, I have reached out to others. I have made the effort to believe the best about people. I meet with varying degrees of success, but continue to improve. Fellowship has been sweeter. And if I find myself in a situation where people are being unkind and intentionally exclusive, I can remove myself and go where I am appreciated. A good friend of mine says, "Go where you are celebrated, not merely tolerated."
With that thought, I will close. 💕
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