Included

     I recently wrote a post about being included (Left Out or State of Mind?).  I'm now going to approach the subject from a different angle.  How can we, as Christians, make those around us feel included?  As I had said in the other post, feeling left out can be a legitimate experience...or it can be just a state of mind.  It can play on our insecurities.  How can we make people around us--those we work with, those we call neighbors, those who visit our churches and Bible studies--feel included?  How can we avoid preying on their insecurities?  Well, ultimately, we don't know what's going on inside them.  We don't know what will or won't hit a nerve.  We don't know where they've been or what they've experienced.  So, in short, we really can't be prepared for every individual.  But there are some basic principles we can be mindful of.

     First, we can be aware of the fact that not everyone relates to the things we do.  Their experiences may be vastly different than ours.  I remember the summer I was seventeen.  It was my third year being a summer missionary.  At the first meeting of summer, all the perspective summer missionaries showed up for a pre-training.  Most of us that year were home-schooled, Baptist, from strong families whose parents had read all of Dr. Dobson's books.  We were all involved in AWANA in our churches.  We read similar books, and shared similar life experiences.  We shared certain values.  Upon meeting up at the training, we all began chatting about things we all related to.  However, there was one girl there who wasn't from the same lifestyle as the rest of us.  She was from a broken home, and hadn't been a Christian very long.  She was completely unfamiliar with the things the rest of us were discussing.  We were all too thoughtless to reach out to her, and she was too unfamiliar with our conversation to join in.  She ended up not being on our summer team that year after all.  She told the director she didn't fit in.  When I found out, I felt very badly.  It made me wish I had made that effort to include her.

     What could I have done differently?  I could have realized that not everyone is part of my experiences, but they still need to be reached out to and loved.  This is not limited to home school kids.  When I was single, I went to a Women's Bible study.  The main leader used a lot of analogies about marriage.  "You know, ladies, we all know what it's like when our husbands..." and from there, she'd draw some parallel to the point she was making in the study.  As single at the time, I didn't relate.  My desires for that right man were strong.  It was something I constantly prayed about.  The Bible study leader's careless comments made me feel really bad.

     Another time (also when I was single), I was at a ministry conference.  The keynote speaker was referring to family. He made the very careless comment: "All of us in this room are either a kid living at home, or we're married with our own kids, so we all know..."  Ouch!  I was in my 20's, had my own home, but wasn't married and certainly didn't have kids.  His little statement completely excluded me.  No, it denied my existence.  I am certain this wasn't his intention, but it stung.  I tuned out the rest of his talk after this, as he made it clear that he wasn't talking to single adults who own their own houses.

     Ironically, by the time I got married, I was in another Bible study.  As it happened, most of the women were single, and I was the only married one.  And the same thing happened.  I was excluded.  They would invite each other out for coffee or other fun activities in front of me, but didn't think to include me, because I was married.

     I have also seen this sort of thing happen with regards to children.  Churches have all the mothers or fathers stand up on Mother's Day and Father's Day.  This can be very painful, and make those who weren't able to have children (as well as single people who never married at all) feel like they missed out on this major life event.  As someone who doesn't have children, I can attest that it sometimes makes me feel less human.  Sometimes the wounds from these things can run deep.  Careless comments can rub salt in the wounds.  It is a way to make people feel excluded.  It may be more a state of mind exclusion.  Obviously, these things are not cruel or intentional.  The person can choose to let it bother them or let it go.  But we're looking at this as the person potentially being exclusive.  These types of thoughtless comments can do a lot to hurt people.  We just need to be mindful and aware that not everyone has had our experiences of life (schooling, family, singleness, marriage, children, job, home...the list can go on and on). 

     Second, after we realize that not everyone shares our experiences, the next step is to speak in first person when sharing things.  There is nothing hurtful about a Bible study leader saying, "I know when my husband..." and drawing that parallel.  Those who are married will relate.  Those who are not married can still follow the point being made.  The same is true with children.  Even Jesus made reference to children, when He did not have earthly children (Matthew 7:11, Matthew 19:14).  Speaking in first person means using "I" and "me" statements, not "you" or "we".  That puts the responsibility on the speaker, not the listener.

     Third, we can get to know people on their own merits.  Some people will be our good friends.  Some will not.  A mentor of mine uses the word "tribe".  Some people are in your tribe.  Some aren't.  Not everyone is a kindred spirit.  That's okay.  But that doesn't remove our responsibility to reach out and get to know people.  Asking their name.  Finding out about their life.  Showing interest and concern.

     If we realize that all our life experiences are different, speak in first person, and get to know people, we'll be making great strides toward including people in a way that honors the Lord.