Some know (some do not) that I have struggled with anxiety since 1992, and more extremely since 1996. It is something God has really given me a lot of victory in, but it has never completely gone away, and probably won't as long as I'm in this body of flesh. It's a cross I take up daily and follow Jesus, surrendering it to Him for His help. If you are unfamiliar with anxiety, it is similar to asthma. An anxiety attack renders the person unable to get in air. The difference is, it isn't a physical problem, but an emotional one that affects the physical. Sometimes, it feels like the room in shrinking, and the person can feel dizzy. There is a feeling of impending doom. There are different things different people experience. My worst years of anxiety were from 1996-2005. In 2005, I went to a sixteen-week counseling at my cousin's church in Riverside, and it helped me develop some biblical habits that really helped me. Then in 2014, I got involved in Celebrate Recovery, in Yucaipa, CA. Through my friends and sponsor there, I got even greater healing. It is a very biblical program for anyone with hurts, habits or hangups (so basically the whole human race). It had been years since I had had a full-on anxiety attack.
Having said all of that, we had visited a church here in Albuquerque that is large. We are told it is the largest in the state of New Mexico, and one of the largest in the United States. Simply because of the size, I wasn't totally gung-ho to attend. I prefer a smaller church to plug into. But I wanted to give it a fair try. My husband really likes the pastor (he had him as a teaching in his School of Ministry years ago). We visited it our second week here, and again this past Sunday and Wednesday night (We visited some others in-between).
The pastor is extremely biblical in his teaching. I want to be clear on that. I also want to be clear that the people we talked to there after services were extremely kind, showing Christ to us.
Beyond these positives, though, this church made us very uncomfortable. I expected very modern worship, maybe songs I haven't heard before. I expected people to be dressed very casually. But what I hadn't counted on was the smoke and lights. Multicolored lights shined all over the room, moving in no particular order, changing up now and then. Smoke wafted all over, catching the lights at different places. I had never seen this before. I didn't even know this existed in churches. On top of this, the music was at a very loud volume (the music wasn't my preference, but wasn't a deal-breaker in and of itself). There was too much stimuli for me. I felt totally consumed and pulled along against my will. I felt manipulated by it. I am not saying that this was the goal of anyone involved. I have no idea what is in their hearts, but I want to assume that they were genuinely worshiping the Lord. But, from my true heart, I couldn't find Jesus in this, and truly see no biblical or spiritual purpose in this. To me, it just seems like trying to be "cool", but as I said, I don't know their motives, so I won't try to speculate.
Communion was also done very differently than I am accustomed to. Very fast, no scriptures read, very little explanation of the elements. In fact, the elements were in little plastic containers that looked like coffee creamers. I couldn't figure out how to open the thing, and communion had passed me by before I figured it out. I was so frustrated. Not in the right spirit for communion.
All this overwhelmed frustration threw me into a panic attack. My lungs wouldn't take in air. The room was shrinking. The world was spinning. I wasn't safe. I was going to die. Nothing made sense. I was wrong. Everyone who had ever hurt me was right.
A lot of this was a call-back to other times in my life when I have felt manipulated in church. Those bad feelings came back over me as well. It was darkness.
My husband was wonderful. He spent the whole day with me. He took me up to Santa Fe, and we had a wonderful time. We prayed a lot. He had loved the teaching, even though he disliked the crazy externals as much as I did. He wanted to try their Wednesday evening, and see if it was less overwhelming. I love my husband so much. I didn't want my weakness to keep him from the teaching he loves. He is the head of our family. I want him to hear the word in a way that ministers to him. On his part, though, I know he would never force me to go somewhere that hurt me. I agreed to take it one day at a time. We tried the Wednesday night.
Again, the lights and smoke swirled around the room. I determined I wouldn't have an anxiety attack. I closed my eyes, but could still see the brightly colored lights through my eyelids. I put my hands over, and I could still see it! I didn't let myself panic, but I did feel dizzy and physically nauseous.
Walter said softly (and no one could possibly hear him, because the music was so loud it vibrated everything), "This is ridiculous!" He got up and walked out into the aisle. I didn't see where he went (no one could see anything with the lights). I found out he went to the guy in the sound booth an said, "Look, I'm not here to cause trouble, but we need you to turn those lights down a little. My wife is getting sick." The guy (in his early 20's) got very rude and defensive, telling Walter he was disturbing people's worship (which couldn't have possibly been true, because it was so loud and bright, no one could possibly have heard them or seen them). Walter again asked the man if he could tone it down at all. The guy said that he was only doing what he was told. Walter, trying to be polite, asked if he could talk to his superior then. The guy panicked and called for security! Walter never touched or threatened him! The security came and kind of roughed Walter up, laying hands on him. He told them again that he wasn't trying to cause trouble, but that his wife was getting dizzy and sick from the lights. Their answer to this really offended both of us.
"We have medical staff on hand, because people have seizures here because of it sometimes."
Why in the name of common sense would they continue to do something that has brought about medical problems? That could make them liable if someone was really hurt or sick (or, God forbid, died).
One security guy looked at another and said, "I'll hold him here, you go examine his wife."
Walter panicked at this point and jumped out of the man's grasp. "You will leave my wife alone! She doesn't need you!"
They told Walter he could return to his seat or leave. Walter came back to me. I learned of what had transpired later. He held me the rest of the service (we really wanted to see the actual study).
It was a very hurtful experience. The whole week had been anxious and hurtful. We aren't part of a local fellowship yet, and needed support as we got over the trauma of what we had experienced. Perhaps this wasn't wise, but we both shared our experience on Facebook. Facebook can be a two-edged sword. Our privacy settings are such that only our friends can see it. We felt freedom to share with people we consider our friends. We needed support from them. We also viewed it as the same as rating a restaurant or other business online. People do it all the time. It gives others an idea of what to expect if they go to that business. We were not unkind in our assessments. We didn't condemn the people or the pastor. We shared our experience and opinions about it.
Most people were kind and supportive, but two women (relatives, in fact) were extremely cruel to us. They said some very mean-spirited and even hateful things to us. One of our friends completely defended us (that was a means of God's grace). Unfortunately, this gave them more opportunity to say mean things about us. They mocked us and then had the gall to accuse us of "judging" (everyone's favorite accusation nowadays that literally means less than nothing anymore). Our friend was very firm, and told them they were the ones being judgmental. One of these relatives cut us off. The other just kept saying mean things. I can't imagine why they decided we were wrong and that church was right, when they don't even know that church at all, and weren't there to experience it. Why err on the side of someone you don't even know over someone you're supposed to love? I didn't even read all their hurtful comments, because I don't deserve that. I am valuable, and don't deserve abuse like that. They were out of line, and it prolonged the pain the whole experience gave us. We cast our pearls before swine in sharing, and we both took our posts down. Our goal wasn't to make that church look bad. It was to share our experiences and get very needed support from friends.
It has been a hard week, but I am so thankful for God's grace. I have a wonderful, loving husband who stuck by me, and I stuck by him. We are even closer as a result of this madness. I am also thankful for my Christian friends who did support us, especially our friend Steve who defended us against cruel attacks. I am thankful for a Christian coworker I have. Her husband is a pastor, and they are actually between churches at the moment. I was able to confide, and she was extremely loving and supportive, giving a lot of great insight. I am thankful for my friend Denise, another pastor's wife. She lives in CA. She sent me an email about a church near us that is the same affiliation that her husband pastors. It is one we will definitely consider trying out. I am thankful for all else going so well in our lives (work, Walter's school, etc.). I am thankful for God speaking to me in His word. I am in First Kings, one of my favorite books of the Old Testament. I am thankful for Christian music that has ministered to me this week. God didn't let us down. We are planning to attend a smaller church tomorrow. God is in it, and He will lead us to the right church.
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