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| Missionary school evangelism team, 2002. I am at left (only female pictured). |
I realized my error after some things I had thought would happen didn't happen (this guy showing his true colors was a big part of it). I realized that I had been in error. I was wrong. I had read Divine workings into things that were genuinely coincidences (I know we're not supposed to believe in coincidences, and I usually don't...more about that a little later). I was humbled by this experience, realizing that I needed to be back on the right track with God, reading His word for what it was and hearing His voice (not superimposed by my own desires). I repented, and I had precious times with the Lord after this.
The scary thing is, those who knew me during this time had no idea I was in error in my thinking, because my path hadn't gotten that crooked yet. I was using the right Christian wording in talking about things, and people just took it as a given that I was in God's will about this stuff, when in fact, I wasn't. Sometimes, being just a little bit off is more dangerous than being a lot off. By this, I mean that, if you are very far from where you should be, you know it, and so does everyone around you. If you're just a little bit wrong, you might not realize it, nor do those around you who might be able to help you. On the flip side, it is easier to correct a mistake when it's slight than when it is major...if you catch it in time. I'm thankful that I did, by God's grace.
We are human. We can't see God's face or hear him audibly. It is very easy for us to mistake our own thoughts, emotions, etc. as God's leading. God understands this. He is also able to get through to us in a way we'll understand, as He did for me.
One of the things I had said repeatedly in regards to the ways I incorrectly thought God was working was, "I just have a faith about it." I learned the hard lesson that faith is only as powerful as its object. The only infallible object of our faith is God Himself. Not a person, not circumstances, not ourselves. And certainly not faith. Faith can't be an object of itself. It has to be in someone or something. I thought about this as I graduated from missionary school and returned to the Los Angeles metro area, where I was from, and began my home missions work.
In the months that followed, as I humbly let God lead me, I saw Him do amazing things. I was emotionally and spiritually fragile, largely because of the situation with the young man, but I took joy in God's presence like never before. Psalm 46:1 says, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." That's how He was. I was the subject of a lot of gossip in the missionary chain (all related to my broken relationship with this guy). This was very hard. I lost friends, and had to change my email address. I really experienced God as my tower, my refuge, the One I ran to for comfort and protection. I poured out my heart to God in my journals. I clung to passages He led me to, promising His comfort and presence. I remember one time, being in the corner booth of a Carl's Junior restaurant in Los Angeles, crying my eyes out as I journaled, feeling all alone and misunderstood in a city of almost four million, but knowing God understood. A few people in the restaurant asked me if I was okay, and I gave a pat answer that wasn't a lie but also wasn't vulnerable. People were kind, but this was something only God could do for me. My life verse, Romans 8:28, meant more to me than ever, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, who are the called according to His purpose." I constantly had Christian tapes and CD's playing in my car, especially songs based on scripture (as many praise songs were at the time). One of my favorites contained the chorus: "Lord your love is my everything. I find all I need in surrendering. Empty hands I bring, as an offering. You're my everything. Everything." That's what Jesus really became to me. Philippians 3:10 says, "That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death." That's what was happening. Even though I wasn't totally innocent in my sufferings, much of it was unprovoked (where it concerned the betrayal of the missionary boyfriend). Jesus knew how I felt, because He had been betrayed. This led me deeper and deeper into the heart of God.
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| Los Angeles, California. It is possible to feel all alone in a city of millions of people. But no one is really alone. |
In the midst of this joy in the Lord, and pain in human contact, I saw so many amazing things. God used me. I saw many come to the Lord. I discipled a new Christian at the time who is now a full-time missionary. I made lifelong friendships. There was so much fruit from then, and that would never have happened if I hadn't recommitted myself to walking humbly with God, instead of running ahead of Him. Micah 6:8 says, "He hath showed thee, O man, what is good, and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with thy God." (Emphasis mine). I had gotten that straight (though I am far from perfect in carrying it out). I would say 2002 was a year where I really grew in understanding God's voice.
| Here I am pictured (right) with my good friend Heather Dowding Tobias. This picture was taken in 2016, after she and I were both married and serving the Lord with godly husbands, but we had met that fateful summer of 2002 (she was sixteen, I was twenty), when I was struggling and growing, and she was a brand-new Christian. We had taught 5-day Bible clubs together, and led many to the Lord. Heather and her husband have served in both the Philippines and the United States. They are currently doing ministry in the San Diego area. Interesting tidbit, Heather and her husband got married the same day Walter and I got engaged. |
Hearing God's voice correctly has become the most important aspect of the Christian life for me. It is my passion. I have known others who have made similar mistakes to the ones I made.
I had a good friend who called everything a "God thing". She had several "God things" that turned out not to be. Like me, she read divine workings into coincidences. I said I'd touch on that, so here goes. I believe God is Sovereign over all, and He orchestrates our lives. However, He is often doing or allowing something vastly different than what we'd think, and we misinterpret circumstances (commonly called coincidences). That misinterpreting of circumstances was what I had done in the past, and that's what this friend was doing. At one point, she felt God calling her to quit her job and pour her life savings into starting this Christian newspaper. She made the proof for one edition (never even printed or distributed it), and then gave up and went back to her job. It isn't up to me to say what God called her to do or not to do, but as someone who has experienced mistaking God's will, it looks like she got excited about an idea and once the excitement wore off, she forgot all about this supposed calling. This happened constantly with her. So many "God things" but not a lot of follow-through or disciplined relationship with Jesus.
Another Christian woman I worked with used to tell me God had called her to do certain things, but then these things wouldn't happen. The conclusion I drew was that God hadn't called her to do them. Unfortunately, she never drew that conclusion. She just moved on to her next "calling" without any explanation for why her previous "calling" had been incorrect. One time, she told me that God had called her to take her thirteen-year-old daughter to a really nice resort for her birthday for some "mom and teen daughter" time. I think that sounds great, and God could certainly lead someone to do that. But shortly thereafter, her husband lost some hours at work, reducing their budget, and making this plan at the resort impossible for them. If God had really called her to do it, it would have been doable. It might be cliche, but where God guides, He provides. When this didn't work out, this woman just shrugged it off and moved on. About a month later, God allegedly called her to something else that didn't end up working out either. One thing I learned about this woman was that she said "God called me to..." in order to get people to take her ideas seriously. It was a control thing with her, born out of insecurity. If things didn't happen the way she claimed they would, she would say that it was spiritual warfare and blame Satan. According to her, nothing was ever a result of her own mistaking God's voice, or poor planning (which it actually was). She blamed the devil or other people (often me). As someone who also made these mistakes in my own experience in 2002, I can honestly and humbly say that it's easy to do that, but it isn't right. We need to own up to our mistakes and move forward in humility. We have to be willing to say, "I was wrong."
The Bible makes it very clear that the test of a prophet (or someone speaking for God) is that if what they say doesn't happen, they were a false prophet. It only takes one false prophecy for someone to be a false prophet. Ezekiel 13:6 says, "They see falsehood and lying divination who are saying, 'The LORD declares,' when the LORD has not sent them; yet they hope for the fulfillment of their word." That is scary. In a sense, all of us who have claimed to hear from God when we didn't are false prophets. The penalty for being a false prophet is death (Deuteronomy 13:5). I'm so thankful to be living under God's grace and salvation. The truth is, we all deserve death (Romans 6:23a), but because of what Christ did for us, we can receive eternal life instead (Romans 6:23b).
There is also the problem of the opposite extreme...
There is also the problem of the opposite extreme...
Several months after my humbling experience, a friend of mine began attending a particular Christian college in Southern California. I had always heard great things about this school (had even considered going there myself), but as my good friend spent more and more time there, she began to go from a vibrant, joyful Christian to a depressed perfectionist who spoke almost in a monotone. She went from being an encourager to constantly confronting everyone (myself included) for things that weren't even sin. She constantly doubted her salvation, yet when I would reach out to encourage her, she would accuse me of being part of certain "movements" I had never heard of. I would talk to my pastor and my ministry boss (who was also a pastor) and they had never heard of any of these movements either. Apparently, though, she was constantly being warned about these dangerous movements. Interestingly, these "movements" were never out there in the world. They always involved other Christians who held different convictions than their college did, often on obscure issues. As the Internet became more common in the early 2000's, I tried looking up these "movements" and found NOTHING. They weren't out there. She became emotionally and spiritually unreachable. I couldn't figure out what was happening to my long-time friend. Several decisions she made at that time went against what she had previously believed God called her to do. When questioned, she said, "God doesn't care about callings. Just the Bible." She changed her theology to believe that, as long as something wasn't defined as sin in the Bible, it was okay to do. According to her, God did have a will for our lives, but that was His business. He was so Sovereign that He would override all that wasn't His perfect will. We could do whatever we wanted, with no guidance from the Holy Spirit. The Bible was infallible, but did not relate to us specifically. She began loving the Bible itself more than the God of the Bible. She was a lot like I had been just a few months earlier...just a little bit off, but with enough of the right-sounding words and phraseology to sound like she wasn't off. This struck a chord with me. I wasn't sure if this was her, or if it was actually the college itself.
Over the years, I have dealt with many people who either attended this college or the very prominent Los Angeles church affiliated with it. Some of these folks were wonderful people. Others, though, were like my friend, just a little off, but in a way that sounded so right. It was hard to put my finger on. It troubled me deep in my spirit, but I really couldn't fight it. Technically, there is very little I actually disagree with theologically. But here's the problem. All it was was theology. God speaking to us wasn't in their equation at all. They would have said I didn't sin back in 2002 when I superimposed my will over God's, because I technically wasn't breaking a commandment. But I was sinning, and God so lovingly brought me back into deeper fellowship with Him. This was such an important life lesson. I want everyone to know God on that level, because it is joy and peace.
I recently watched a YouTube video put out by people from this church, shedding some light on this. They were criticizing Christian author Beth Moore for saying that God had spoken to her and led her in certain situations. They showed clips of Beth Moore talking, but not enough to actually give context. Maybe I would have agreed with them, but maybe I would have agreed with Beth Moore. I don't know (these same people questioned Billy Graham's salvation in another video, so I take them with a grain of salt). But what they ended up saying was that God doesn't speak to individuals like that, and that by saying He had spoken to her, Beth Moore was adding to the Bible. Whoa! I'm not making any statement for or against Beth Moore at all here. But these gentlemen are 100% wrong! Hearing from the Lord is NOT adding to the Bible! The Bible is our authority. If we think we're hearing something, we need to make sure it lines up with the Bible. Anything we get from God, or believe we get from God, needs to be tested. First John 4:1 says to test the spirits. First Thessalonians 5:21 says, "Test all things; hold fast to what is good." The way we test things it to line them up with scripture.
I recently watched a YouTube video put out by people from this church, shedding some light on this. They were criticizing Christian author Beth Moore for saying that God had spoken to her and led her in certain situations. They showed clips of Beth Moore talking, but not enough to actually give context. Maybe I would have agreed with them, but maybe I would have agreed with Beth Moore. I don't know (these same people questioned Billy Graham's salvation in another video, so I take them with a grain of salt). But what they ended up saying was that God doesn't speak to individuals like that, and that by saying He had spoken to her, Beth Moore was adding to the Bible. Whoa! I'm not making any statement for or against Beth Moore at all here. But these gentlemen are 100% wrong! Hearing from the Lord is NOT adding to the Bible! The Bible is our authority. If we think we're hearing something, we need to make sure it lines up with the Bible. Anything we get from God, or believe we get from God, needs to be tested. First John 4:1 says to test the spirits. First Thessalonians 5:21 says, "Test all things; hold fast to what is good." The way we test things it to line them up with scripture.
After seeing this video, I looked at the church's website. It has very extensive doctrinal positions. There is nothing wrong with having positions on issues. We should. But to have them stated in such detail on a church website is a bit daunting to me. There seemed to be little distinction between the essentials of salvation and the non-essentials. I actually technically agreed with most of what I read. They had a section about the Bible. This also shed light on my friend who attended their college. They believe that scripture has one interpretation but many applications (I totally agree so far). But then they said that any application we make from scripture has to apply across the board, not just to the individual. They don't want the Bible being specifically applied, just generally. This sounds very much like they want to obey the commands of scripture (a good thing), but not the specific will of the God (a bad thing). It sounds like they don't believe God speaks to us individually about our lives and situations. It almost seems like an overreaction to some of the extremes of the charismatic movement. We should never choose our doctrinal beliefs as a reaction. Their God sounds more like the Force in Star Wars than a personal God who went to great lengths to have a relationship with His people. This is the opposite extreme of my friends who called everything a "God thing." With them, nothing was a God thing.
I know MANY times when I have really sought the Lord about something, and He answered me through scripture. The biggest thing I can think of right now goes back to the broken relationship I mentioned from 2002. After it all ended, and I saw where I'd been wrong in misinterpreting what God was leading me to do, I still struggled with this guy. A part of me really hoped that in some way, God would bring us back together (so thankful now that didn't happen!). I really needed closure from the Lord. I asked God to speak to me about this. In my quiet time, I happened (by God's divine Providence) to be in First Samuel 16. Verse one says, "How long will you mourn for Saul, seeing as I have rejected him..." Immediately upon reading this, God's spirit (who lives in my heart) spoke to me that this was God's answer about this guy. I needed to move on. God had rejected him from being the one for me. I knew God had spoken to me. God was very specifically leading me. He does that. This doesn't mean that that verse is teaching that everyone needs to break up with their boyfriend and move on. That verse has one meaning. Samuel was to forget about Saul and anoint a new king (David). But the application for me right then was unmistakable. It has to be a work of the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, we get into using the Bible like a crystal ball, as I did. This reduces biblical truth to occult practices.
Along those lines, my husband has shared that when he was in Bible college, several girls there thought that they would find their future husbands by meeting a guy who had the same favorite verse that they did. That is totally using the Bible like a crystal ball! It is spiritualizing immaturity. Not only that, but they were inconsistent. My husband (who was not my husband back then) one day was chatting casually with a girl, and it came out that they both had the same favorite verse, Matthew 6:33. This girl's mouth dropped open (obviously thinking, Wow! I just met my husband), and her friends said, "You don't want him!" And they all walked away. How rude! And how unbiblical.
God wants a personal relationship with us. If you have a personal relationship with someone, you talk about everything! God wants us to interact with Him. He wants us to seek Him. The cannon of scripture is closed, and we are not to add to it. However, the Holy Spirit works in our hearts in conjunction with the Bible and prayer. There are other Christian disciplines as well. Many times, when I really need to hear from God, or feel led to pray very fervently about something, I fast. Fasting, like prayer, isn't a way to manipulate God's hand. It is a way to align ourselves with the will of God and hear Him. I have never fasted without finding great joy and spiritual riches. I also never do it unless I believe the Holy Spirit is leading me to do it. It's all really about surrender.
I'm going to close with my favorite verse to the Chris Tomlin song Good Good Father. I wish very much this song had existed years ago when I was crying at Carl's Junior in Los Angeles, but it was written thirteen years later, when I was happily in God's will with my husband and in ministry. I believe these words reflect the heart of God in desiring us to go deeper in relationship with Him:
Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
I'm going to close with my favorite verse to the Chris Tomlin song Good Good Father. I wish very much this song had existed years ago when I was crying at Carl's Junior in Los Angeles, but it was written thirteen years later, when I was happily in God's will with my husband and in ministry. I believe these words reflect the heart of God in desiring us to go deeper in relationship with Him:
Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love
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