I believe we don't always know how easily influenced we are. Things impact our thinking, the vocabulary we use, and the way we conduct ourselves in situations...and we don't even realize it. Popular culture, politics, music, sports, etc. all have a part. But we can draw the line at any point and decide we disagree with these influences and no longer wish to be impacted by them. Other influences are harder to separate ourselves from.
I grew up as a Christian in the 80s and 90s. As such, there were a lot of fun and godly books, movies and audio that impacted me, and these things still nostalgically warm my heart today.
These and other influences were good, but the only perfect influence is God's word. This is very important to remember.
When I was in junior high, I had a boyfriend in my church youth group. Being a romantic young girl, I fantasized about him proposing to me. He liked me, but I'm sure a marriage proposal was the furthest thing from his mind! As we were starting high school, I began to get a glimpse of God's calling on my life into evangelism. The boyfriend didn't share this, nor was he a particularly strong believer. I distanced myself from him as God led me onward. A few months into our freshman year, circumstances beyond either of our control separated us. I realized how dumb it was to have a boyfriend when I had no control of my life yet. I determined not to date until I was 18 and out if high school. I reasoned that by then, I'd have a better idea of where God was leading me, and I'd be ready for adult decisions. This was the right choice for me. Not perfect. Not foolproof. Just right for me.
I wasn't the only one drawing this conclusion in the mid-90s. This personal decision of mine came at a time when the Christian community was involved in purity movements. A very influential book came out when I was about 16, entitled I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris. All my Christian friends were reading it. I bought a copy at the Christian bookstore and did the same.
This book had some good points, but wasn't particularly monumental to me. I already had my convictions in place, and was shocked when some elevated this book almost to the level of scripture. I felt author Joshua Harris (who was only 21 years old, and single) had holes in some of his theories. There were implications that dating someone you didn't end up married to made you damaged goods and incapable of being a good spouse. Where was the redemption in this? The idea almost felt like, "The first person I date had better be the one I marry or I've really failed." This put a lot of stress on my generation of young adults. Also, this book said not to date, but didn't really give any advice about when you were ready for a relationship. As a result, there was a lot of confusion about the right way to act toward fellow believers of the opposite sex. A lot of emphasis was put on proper form without necessarily the right heart attitude. With dating taken away as an option, a lot of passive-aggressive games began taking place between Christian men and women.
I've alluded to this before, but on a mission trip I went on at age 18, I met a guy who showed an interest immediately. He was 22, and by that point I was at an age where I felt ready to have a relationship with a Christian man. I gave him too much credit for being as mature as I was...which he wasn't. Right away, he tried to impress me with his "True Love Waits" purity paraphernalia. But all it was to him was a slogan, because he began to act very impure toward me. The whole emphasis was on sex. He talked about marriage, but even in that, the focus was on sex, not love. I became a bit disgusted. One night, in a moment of weakness, he came onto me way too strongly, and I ran. I assume he was ashamed, because he wouldn't look at me after this. It was stupid and humiliating. His purity stuff obviously meant nothing to him.
After this, seeing so much hypocrisy, I was very turned off of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Josh Harris' methods. It seemed like legalism that had no power to produce life change.
A few years later, when I was about 20, Joshua Harris wrote another book, entitled Boy Meets Girl, sharing how he had met his wife. He introduced the idea of courtship. By this point, the courtship culture had taken over Christianity. I could never get a straight answer as to what it exactly was.
If courtship is dating intentionally, with marriage as the goal, then I agree completely, but don't care for the term. People get really hung up on words. As a single, I believed in intentional dating, and would still encourage singles to do it now. I called it dating, though, not courting. However, I heard people describe courtship as arranged marriages, or other definitions that sound odd in Western culture. Many people who talk about courtship mean that, even though the man and woman are both adults, their parents have to be involved in everything. I know my parents had no desire for that kind of involvement. They raised me to make good decisions and follow the Lord. They wanted to support me and advise me, but not manage me. I've heard people use the phrase "Biblical Courtship." To me, it's a joke. There are some love stories in the Bible (my two favorites being Isaac and Rebekah, and Boaz and Ruth). However, none of these stories shared any sort of formula for relationships. There is no command in the Bible about how to date/court. The common denominator between these biblical love stories was the Sovereign hand of God in their lives, and their faith and obedience. To me, the big takeaway is that in ALL areas of our lives, we are to walk with God, trusting and obeying Him, and letting Him work in and through us. Everyone's story is different. God doesn't give us a blueprint model to follow.
The Bible does give us guidelines. Purity is important. But the way it was done in the 90s actually put more of an emphasis on sex. Our emphasis should be on the Lordship of Christ---in ALL areas. I believe both of Joshua Harris' books had some good, but much legalism. It was like they were giving a formula to follow in order to get a dream marriage and sex life. I now hear it called the "sexual prosperity gospel." We are never promised these things. What we ARE promised is better--God's presence, fullness of joy, His will for our lives, treasures in Heaven, and so much more!
I came to the point early on that most books on the subject were unnecessary. As believers, all we need is God's word, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the accountability of trusted friends.
I didn't give Joshua Harris any thought for many years. He went on with his life as a husband and father. I hear he became a pastor on the East Coast, until 2015, when he went back to seminary. I didn't hear about him until 2017, when my husband excitedly told me that Joshua Harris had recanted I Kissed Dating Goodbye. My husband suffered much more than I did as a result of that book's cult following, which was why he was so thrilled. Joshua Harris even made a documentary about it, in which he talked to people who were hurt by his message and it's effect on Christian culture. He expressed humility, and seemed to have grown in the Lord beyond his legalism. He didn't appear to be denying every word he had written. He claimed to still believe the biblical truths, just not the places he had added to God's truth in a way. I was encouraged he had grown, as we all do. I had my own misplaced zeal about things at 21 myself (if we are honest, we probably all did). Again, I moved on without much thought of him.
You can imagine my shock and sadness In the last few days when Joshua Harris again made headlines. On July 19, he announced that he was leaving his wife of 20 years. A week later (July 26) he confessed to not actually being a Christian.
What?! This influential voice to my generation is not only walking away from his message (possibly a good thing), but from his wife and faith? How does this stuff happen? I am genuinely grieved.
I'm going to close in a minute with a letter an old ministry friend of Josh's wrote to him, because it expresses what I feel about this. But the big takeaway for me is this: all we need is the Bible. Books can be good and encouraging, but we have to be so careful not to follow every wind of doctrine that blows through (Ephesians 4:14). It isn't all good. We need to be careful who we follow. We need to take people's views with a grain of salt, not follow them like a new gospel. Legalism is deadly, even if it looks godly and holy.
Josh,
My first memory of you was in Olympia, Washington standing in my driveway as a grinning kid when you were about nine years old. I saw you many times as your dad and I spoke at many conferences over the years.
How can I forget that meeting in the lobby of a hotel in Rochester, New York when you told me you had signed a book deal for “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”? I told you it was a bad title and wouldn’t sell. Of course, it outsold everything I have ever written by a wide margin.
The last time I saw you was at your dear mother’s funeral. (I can’t recall if you were at your brothers’ graduation from Patrick Henry College.)
We knew each other very well for many years. And I loved you like a younger brother. And still do.
I don’t think I can reach you in private and what you have said and done is very public, so I am reaching out to you in this way.
You have walked away from your marriage. That’s not right. You have walked away from your faith in Christ. That’s even worse.
This says nothing about Jesus and a great deal about you.
Jesus told us there would be false prophets and teachers among us. Your story doesn’t invalidate Christ’s message because He predicted that people would do exactly what you have done. I just didn’t expect it would ever be you.
I do commend you for the intellectual integrity for recognizing that your secondary views (embracing the LGBT agenda, etc.) are utterly inconsistent with Christianity—as is your view that it is ok to walk away from your marriage for the reasons you have stated. Both of these proved that you had renounced Christianity before you said so publicly.
My heart aches for you in so many ways. It seems that you thought that Christianity was a series of formulas. Formulas for marriage. Formulas for systematic theology. Fear of choosing the wrong formula. Fear of failing to live up to your formula.
You know that I believe in the general approach to courtship that made you famous and pretty rich. You included the story of my oldest daughter and her husband in your second book.
I still believe that purity of mind and body before marriage is the right ideal. But it is not a formula for a happy marriage. It is simply a guiding principle that has to be applied with wisdom, grace, and often forgiveness.
I would never reach this conclusion about you on my own but what you have said yourself can be fairly summarized as this: you thought your faith and your marriage were based on formulas. They never went deeper than that.
Jesus says about people like you that in the last judgment, He will say, “Depart from me, I never knew you.”
You know that this means you never actually knew Him.
As immersed as you were in Christian culture and a career as a pastor, you never actually knew Jesus.
It gives me only heart ache to say these things to you. And Jesus will take no pleasure in pronouncing those words in judgment of you or anyone.
You haven’t walked away from a relationship with Jesus. You have walked away from the culture you were raised in.
Jesus still loves you at this moment. And so do I and countless others. And I will love you no matter what in the days ahead. But my love is tinged in deep sadness.
Josh, you and your story are not the measure of the validity of Christianity.
Jesus is real. He doesn’t want you to return to your prior formulas. He wants you to come to Him for the first time and learn to love.
I am praying for you, Josh.
With love and sorrow.
Mike Farris
What?! This influential voice to my generation is not only walking away from his message (possibly a good thing), but from his wife and faith? How does this stuff happen? I am genuinely grieved.
I'm going to close in a minute with a letter an old ministry friend of Josh's wrote to him, because it expresses what I feel about this. But the big takeaway for me is this: all we need is the Bible. Books can be good and encouraging, but we have to be so careful not to follow every wind of doctrine that blows through (Ephesians 4:14). It isn't all good. We need to be careful who we follow. We need to take people's views with a grain of salt, not follow them like a new gospel. Legalism is deadly, even if it looks godly and holy.
Josh,
My first memory of you was in Olympia, Washington standing in my driveway as a grinning kid when you were about nine years old. I saw you many times as your dad and I spoke at many conferences over the years.
How can I forget that meeting in the lobby of a hotel in Rochester, New York when you told me you had signed a book deal for “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”? I told you it was a bad title and wouldn’t sell. Of course, it outsold everything I have ever written by a wide margin.
The last time I saw you was at your dear mother’s funeral. (I can’t recall if you were at your brothers’ graduation from Patrick Henry College.)
We knew each other very well for many years. And I loved you like a younger brother. And still do.
I don’t think I can reach you in private and what you have said and done is very public, so I am reaching out to you in this way.
You have walked away from your marriage. That’s not right. You have walked away from your faith in Christ. That’s even worse.
This says nothing about Jesus and a great deal about you.
Jesus told us there would be false prophets and teachers among us. Your story doesn’t invalidate Christ’s message because He predicted that people would do exactly what you have done. I just didn’t expect it would ever be you.
I do commend you for the intellectual integrity for recognizing that your secondary views (embracing the LGBT agenda, etc.) are utterly inconsistent with Christianity—as is your view that it is ok to walk away from your marriage for the reasons you have stated. Both of these proved that you had renounced Christianity before you said so publicly.
My heart aches for you in so many ways. It seems that you thought that Christianity was a series of formulas. Formulas for marriage. Formulas for systematic theology. Fear of choosing the wrong formula. Fear of failing to live up to your formula.
You know that I believe in the general approach to courtship that made you famous and pretty rich. You included the story of my oldest daughter and her husband in your second book.
I still believe that purity of mind and body before marriage is the right ideal. But it is not a formula for a happy marriage. It is simply a guiding principle that has to be applied with wisdom, grace, and often forgiveness.
I would never reach this conclusion about you on my own but what you have said yourself can be fairly summarized as this: you thought your faith and your marriage were based on formulas. They never went deeper than that.
Jesus says about people like you that in the last judgment, He will say, “Depart from me, I never knew you.”
You know that this means you never actually knew Him.
As immersed as you were in Christian culture and a career as a pastor, you never actually knew Jesus.
It gives me only heart ache to say these things to you. And Jesus will take no pleasure in pronouncing those words in judgment of you or anyone.
You haven’t walked away from a relationship with Jesus. You have walked away from the culture you were raised in.
Jesus still loves you at this moment. And so do I and countless others. And I will love you no matter what in the days ahead. But my love is tinged in deep sadness.
Josh, you and your story are not the measure of the validity of Christianity.
Jesus is real. He doesn’t want you to return to your prior formulas. He wants you to come to Him for the first time and learn to love.
I am praying for you, Josh.
With love and sorrow.
Mike Farris
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