The Joy-Giver

     It was like a miracle, really...just like in the Bible, where Jesus' hands touched a fallen mortal, releasing power and life into them, bringing hope and healing where there had only been despair and loss.  

     I walked into the room, and a feeling I had never known hit me...or perhaps I had known it once, missed it terribly, longed for it constantly, but never believed it would again be mine.  It was as if I was quite suddenly perfectly fulfilled, lacking nothing, needing nothing, wanting nothing, because it was all there.  All my hopes were fulfilled in that great Presence in that room.

     I blinked a moment.  I had changed in an instant.  All my insecurities were gone.  The tumultuous thoughts that had plagued me for months had completely dissolved.  I chanced a look around the room to see if the others noticed it too, in themselves.  The joy I saw radiated on their faces told me I wasn't imagining it.  

     It was the summer of 1997.  I was fifteen years old, between my freshman and sophomore years in high school.  The previous year had been hard.  My mother had had a short-lived cancer scare that past fall (1996).  I'll explain why in a moment, but my family was very withdrawn during this time, and we didn't turn to anyone for support.  We bore our burden alone.  The church I had more or less grown up at had died a little before this, and the church we had been going to during this time ended up having some hurtful things happen.  Now, over two decades later, all is forgiven, and I still have friends from that church.  Wonderful things happened there, and I can look back without any bad feelings at all.  But some differing opinions and personalities within the church were used by the enemy to throw the ultimate rejection at me.  That wasn't the humans' intention, but Satan will use people against each other.  Also, I was at an age when acceptance means everything, and I was just discovering who I was and what my purpose was in the world.  If the same hurtful experience happened to me today, it certainly wouldn't destroy me, but at that time, it was nothing short of a calamity.  I struggled deeply with depression, and became withdrawn.  I literally believed the best of life was behind me.  It breaks my heart that a high school freshman could feel that way.  Sometimes I retreated so deeply within myself that I wasn't responsive to outside stimuli.  I trusted no one.  It was a dark place.  We had joined a new church, and I was very much accepted there.  It was still so hard repairing the damage in my spirit.

     Coming to this place had seemed like a huge risk at the time.  I was at California Baptist College (now University) for a training called Christian Youth in Action.  Christian high school students were taught how to share the gospel with children in backyard Bible clubs.  I was to spend the rest of the summer teaching Bible clubs with other Christian teenagers.  The idea of doing that terrified me, because of all I had gone through.  I had gotten there feeling scared to death of further rejection.  My heart was pounding.  My palms were sweaty.  I tasted bile in my mouth as I walked up the three flights of stairs to the floor where our training was to take place.  People were friendly, and that eased my fear a little.  But my problem wasn't related to people.  Not really.  It was a broken heart that needed healing.  I didn't know what to do.

     I met my roommate, a sweet, pretty girl my age.  After we'd chatted a while, we were summoned by the leaders of the group to come to the general assembly for orientation.  That was where I suddenly found myself in a sweet Presence that I couldn't have found on my own.  I knew right off the bat that it wasn't brought there by anyone in the room.  No one human anyway.  It was as if some golden goodness enveloped us.  It permeated the air and the light.  It was the Lord God...the Awesome God who created the earth, created a way to redemption, delivered His people from bondage, sent His Son, promised to save us for all eternity.  That same Lord entered that room, filling it with His glory.  As a Christian since age five, I had experienced God's presence at different times, but never in this concentrated of a dose.  It was almost too wonderful to explain.  Sadness and sorrow weren't even possible in that place at that time.  It was as if every hurt in my life no longer mattered.  I was on a higher plane than I had ever been.  I was with the One who loved me enough to give Himself for me.  That is resurrection power.  Because He lives, that joy was possible.  It felt like an instant healing.  No person, medication, or circumstance could have changed me like that.  Psalm 16:11 says, "in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand are pleasures forevermore."

I am the shorter of the two teenage girls pictured.  This was taken at Christian Youth in Action.  The taller girl is my friend Crystal.  We are still friends today.  We both ended up serving many more summers with that ministry.  God used her in my life to be that encouragement.  She married her husband withing a few weeks of my wedding to Walter.

     That was the best summer of my life.  I made wonderful friends whom I still love dearly.  But that wasn't ultimately why it was wonderful.  It was wonderful because I had deeper fellowship with Jesus than I ever had.  I enjoyed His presence.  He wasn't just Theology (although having the right theology about Jesus is vital).  He was very present in my life. The other things--the ministry we did, the people we did it with--they all just added to the glory of it, but they weren't the source.  

     Summer ended, and life moved on.  I went on the strength of that glory for a long time (in some ways I still do).  I once again felt the hurts and struggles, but whenever I did, I thought about that glory.  That I had found that one thing that could fulfill me, and that was God.  

     Over the years, this same ministry ended up disappointing me at times (though I still love it), and some of those wonderful people from that summer let me down (I still love them too).  This showed me even more deeply that it wasn't any person or organization that had brought that fulfillment and healing to me.  It was Jesus Christ.  It made me crave His presence all the more.  I discovered that His joy is available to me, because I have the Bible and the Holy Spirit.  Holding onto that constant, intense joy isn't 100% possible on this side of Heaven, but it is there, available to God's children.  I found I was able to take joy in life...because He lives!  I was able to incorporate that joy into what I did, from ministry, to daily life, even secular work, and pass it on to others.

     Within six months of that summer of 1997, I started referring to it in my journal as a "Prelude to Heaven."  And that's what I truly believe.  What God gave me that summer was a very small taste of what Heaven will be like.  The joy, the wholeness, the healing, the warmth, the fulfillment, the sense of reunion with believers I had never met before.  God gave me that sense of eternity because He knew I needed it most.  I still call it a Prelude to Heaven.  God gives them to me every now and then, but only when I really need them.  Smaller doses are available all the time.  It isn't pretending or even determining to be happy all the time.  It is finding joy in His presence.  If what I experienced in 1997 is a taste of what waits beyond this life, I can't wait to get to Heaven!  The Bible tells us that in the end, there will be no more death, sorrow, crying or pain.  Those things will be gone forever! (Revelation 21:4).  I got just a taste of that joy that summer I was fifteen.

     There is a scene I love in the 2005 movie The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.  As a very brief explanation to those who might be unfamiliar, this story is based on a book of the same name, by C.S. Lewis, and it is an allegory of Christianity.  The children go into a wardrobe at a professor's house and end up on a fantasy land called Narnia, where they experience redemption and salvation from the Christ-representing lion Aslan.  They end up victorious against the forces of evil, and reign as kings and queens for years in this land.  However, they end up leaving Narnia, and it turns out no time has passed at all since they entered the wardrobe.  The credits roll, and all's well.  However, they put a very profound scene in at the end of the movie.  Lucy (the youngest, and most faithful child) is trying to get back into Narnia through the wardrobe.  I can almost see that longing in her eyes.  She wants to go back to that time of joy and victory.  She wants Aslan's presence.  That was a prelude for her.  But before she enters the wardrobe, the professor stops her and tells her, "I don't think you'll get back in that way.  You see, I've already tried."  You can see the longing and hope in his own eyes as well (if you know the books, the professor had been in Narnia long before).  Lucy looks very serious as she asks him, "Will we ever go back?"  He replies.  "I expect so, but it will probably happen when you're not looking for it.  All I'm saying, is to keep your eyes open."  With this assurance, Lucy looks satisfied for the moment.  The two walk away, still longing, but assured.  Then, so only the audience can see, the wardrobe door opens and you can hear Alsan roaring.  He never left.  He is still very present.  Like Lucy and the professor, we can't recreate preludes, but Jesus is there, and that's enough.  

     In the book of Luke, we are introduced to a man named Simeon.  He had been promised by God that he would not die until he saw the Messiah.  His entire hope rested on that, and when he finally met baby Jesus, it was as if Heaven filled his heart.  Satisfaction was his at last.  Life had meaning and purpose, and yet he was then able to let go of life.  In Luke 2:29-32, he said, “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,  you may now dismiss your servant in peace.  For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations, a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.”  Jesus was human, but God the Son at the same time.  That presence our souls really crave was in Him, and Simeon knew it the moment he saw Him.  Jesus fulfilled him, just as He fulfilled me in 1997.  

     I love the lyrics to the 1922 song Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus:  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus.  Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."  This is so true, and I would guess Helen Howarth Lemmel (the writer of this song) had experienced a prelude in her own life, in order to be able to write these words.  

     This experience--finding joy in Christ, as well as wonderful adventures with His people--was the inspiration to my 2008 book Summer of Eternity (now out of print under that title, but improved and republished in 2018 as The Joy-Giver.)  From October 11-15, it will be free on Amazon.  Click here to order.  If you happen to read this after October 15, 2019, it is only $2.99, so still order it!  It is a mystery, a love story, and an huge dose of joy, all rolled into one!