On the surface, all was well. I viewed discipling her as my purpose. She viewed being discipled by me as her key to the next step in life. Something was slightly amiss about both of these things.
Shelley met the man she ended up married to quite a while before I met my husband Walter. Being as close as we were, I had hoped we'd meet our husbands at the same time. That seldom happens, but such is the naivety of youth. I had had other friends who had gotten married by that point in my early 20's. Some of them were able to continue being good friends with people, while others let everything else in life go. I got scared of losing my friends and being left out. In fact, when I did meet Walter, I made it a special point to stay in touch with my friends, even though my life and priorities changed. Anyway, as soon as Shelley met this man, it was like I didn't exist anymore. She no longer needed my ministry into her life to move her forward, because she had a bigger prize than my friendship. She dropped me cold. I didn't respond well to this, which led to her cutting off all contact with me.
I was extremely hurt by this, but a woman I knew helped me see that I had been wrong in the way I viewed her. I felt very used by Shelley after our friendship ended, but in a way, I had used her as well. She was my sense of purpose. In my insecurities, I viewed my validation as coming from the ministry I did. That isn't love, it is codependency. I was getting something out of it. It wasn't boosting up my ego or anything like that. It was a sense of purpose deep in my heart. When that was gone, I no longer felt good about who I was. That is very unhealthy. Both Shelley and I were guilty of using each other, even though there were good and redeemable things about our friendship (and yes, I still think it was a friendship).
People talk a lot about using each other. Once, a crazy little boy at AWANA yelled in my face, "Everyone here is just using me!" when he didn't get his way about something. We all got a chuckle about that. But what does it really mean to use someone, or be used, and what does the Bible say about it?
I would say using a person is to view them as a resource to you more than who they are as a person. Sometimes it involves playing someone for the fool, but not always. It can be a lot more subtle, and even unintentional (such as with Shelley and me). Everyone you meet is a resource in some way. One of my friends is a professional hair stylist, and she offered to do my hair free of charge for my wedding. She was a resource to me, but that isn't primarily how I saw her. Another friend of mine works at Disneyland, and, when I lived much closer, she used to give us tickets and passes. I tried never to take advantage or make her think I only liked her because she could get me Disney passes. I liked her for who she was, and she happened to kindly do this for me. I know I've helped friends at different times as well. I love English/Language Arts, and I have tutored a lot of people in this subject, or helped them write papers. But I know they viewed me as a friend over and above just someone to help them pass their class. We can all help each other. We are interdependent on each other. But to see a person only for what's in it for you is where there's a problem.
How can people use each other without even realizing it? A friend of mine shared a funny story. She was visiting a church many years ago. As soon as she walked in the door, someone asked her, "Do you sing?" Uncertain, she said, "Yes..." "Great! We need a new choir director!" Wait a minute! They weren't seeing someone coming into their church as a person to minister to. They saw her as a resource to meet their need. As someone who has done a lot of children's ministry, I have sometimes felt that I'm seen as that kind of resource. The idea "Oh, she can deal with the kids while the rest of us fellowship." That happens a lot, not just in churches, but in organizations, workplaces, and even families. We need to be loving and cherishing each other, and within the context of that, we should be serving and helping each other.
When Jesus walked on this earth, He was with all sorts of people. He healed and ministered to them (Matthew 14:14). All through the four gospels, you can see accounts of Jesus genuinely loving people. He did have his twelve disciples. Surely all of this gave him a sense of purpose, right? Fulfilled Him in some way? Not according to John 4:34. "My food is to do the will of Him who sent me." His food--the thing that brought Him the deepest sense of fulfillment--was to do God's will. The people He met and served didn't define Him. The Father did. That way, Jesus was free to love people without expecting anything in return. That's how we should be, letting God fulfill us deep in our hearts. The Psalmist wrote, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him." (Psalm 62:1). Serving people God's way does bring fulfillment, and we do form meaningful relationships. Those relationships just aren't supposed to define and fulfill us. Only God can do that.
Okay, so, we see Jesus didn't use people. What about the other way around? Did He let other people use Him? If so, isn't that a pattern that we're supposed to let people use and take advantage of us? I've had some very manipulative people tell me this. But that isn't true. Let's look closer.
We've already established that Jesus was completely unselfish in His service of others. The people He served weren't that way, and He knew this. He loved them anyway. He gave of Himself, but didn't simply let them take advantage. There were times He made Himself inaccessible (Luke 5:16, John 8:15). There were times He needed to fill His own spiritual cup (John 17). This should show us it's right to take care of ourselves. It isn't spiritual to let ourselves burn out. Also, John 10:18 gives us an interesting insight. Jesus says that no one takes His life from Him, but that He lays it down willingly. He didn't just let people take and take until there was nothing left. He obeyed the Father to the point of death. The Father was the driving force, not the people. That's how I want to be in my relationships with others. I want to love them the way Jesus does, giving of myself, but not being taken by them. Withdrawing for refreshment for myself when I need it. Not defining myself by these people, but loving them anyway. I learned my lesson the hard way with Shelley. But, thanks to Jesus' example, I can do better! We all can. Let's let God meet our needs (the needs deep in our hearts, as well as the practical needs, like a choir director for a church), and stop using people to do that for us. People are not simply resources at our disposal. They are humans with needs as well. God can meet theirs and ours, and in His grace, He can use us in each other's lives.
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