I was having a confrontation with an authority figure. It was really humiliating. In fact, the whole story was completely convoluted. I'll call it the Bathing Suit Fiasco.
Years ago, in California, I worked for the same ministry my husband and I are with now. One of our programs is a summer missionary program called Christian Youth in Action. It is a wonderful opportunity for high school students to learn to share their faith and spend their summer teaching Bible clubs for kids. I started out as a teenage summer missionary myself. I believe in this ministry! However, one particular summer, after I had gone on full-time staff, I had a horrible experience.
Our training was held at California Baptist University, in my hometown of Riverside, California. Being from Riverside, I knew a lot of the people who attended and worked at the university. I was in a young adult Bible study with several of them. I was also responsible for setting up the Bible clubs in town for the teens to teach.
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| Riverside, California, my hometown and favorite city on earth |
Because we were on the University's campus, we needed to abide by their rules. One rule was that for swimming pool usage, females had to wear a one-piece bathing suit. This wasn't our rule, it was the university's, and by using their facility, we were agreeing with it. Of course, several young women showed up with bikinis, even though they had received a copy of the rules.
Our state director's wife, Mrs. Z. decided she was going to give these girls "grace" and let them wear their bikinis to the pool anyway. Modesty aside, it would be fine for her to do this if it were her swimming pool, but it wasn't. She had no power to change the rules. It wasn't her place to extend what she considered to be "grace". And even if it was, what did this say to the girls who did obey the rules?
Once Mrs. Z changed the rule, she made me (a junior staff) take the teens to the pool. The lifeguard (whom I happened to know personally) stopped us right away and asked, "Janelle, I can't let these girls swim in the pool with those swimsuits on. Why are you trying to break our rules?" It was humiliating. I was being seen as someone who didn't respect boundaries. I agreed with the lifeguard, apologized, and took the bikini-clad girls back to Mrs. Z and explained that the lifeguard wouldn't let them swim unless they had a one-piece swimsuit.
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Mrs. Z came unglued at me! She shouted at me and told me I had no grace, and I was legalistic, and people would be in hell because of me. Whoa! She then demanded I take the girls back to the pool and let them swim. What? I told her the lifeguard wouldn't allow us. I added that I knew the lifeguard personally, and had been very embarrassed by being kicked out already. Mrs. Z just told me, "You're too prideful."
Let's look at this a minute. Maybe I'm too prideful, maybe I'm not, but that had very little to do with anything. As for her accusations, let's examine that. We all knew the rules of the university pool was that girls had to bring a one-piece suit. Whether or not we agree with that standard, it is their pool and we had to abide by it if we wanted to swim in their pool. If anyone was "legalistic" it was the university, not me personally. I don't consider the university at fault at all, though. The girls had gotten the rules before coming, and still tried to bring suits that were deemed inappropriate. It was their own fault if the rule was enforced and they didn't get to swim. What did that say about their character? Were these the types of girls we wanted to be summer missionaries with us--ones who pushed limits? Why was this my problem? Why was Mrs. Z shaming me? Why did she think she was above the rules herself? And is not being able to swim really the most abusive thing that can happen to someone? Of course not! So they didn't get to swim for an hour. So what? And what's this about sending people to hell? These teenage girls were professing Christians (and I have every reason to believe they were genuinely saved). That would make it impossible for them to be in hell. How is me taking them back from the pool after the lifeguard made us leave the same as sending them to hell? And even supposing that I did something terrible to these girls by obeying the lifeguard, their reaction to that is their responsibility. If they chose to reject Jesus over that (which isn't possible, since they were already saved), that would be on them, not me! There is no finger-pointing at the Judgment. We are each responsible for ourselves, our beliefs, and choices.
The situation got much, much worse, and led to me stepping away from this ministry for a time. Mrs. Z was very, very hard on me. I felt ashamed. Here was this older woman I had admired and worked for, and she was insulting me--a twenty-two-year-old.
There is a difference between guilt and shame. If I do wrong, I am guilty, whether I feel it or not. I might feel guilty, thinking or knowing I've done wrong. But guilt is pretty basic. Either you did it or you didn't.. In God's economy, we're all guilty (James 2:10). We're all sinners (Romans 3:23). Jesus' death makes our forgiveness and redemption possible.
Shame is similar to guilt, but a little bit different. Shame involves how you feel about yourself, who you are. It isn't just feeling guilty about something you may or may not have done. It's feeling bad about who you are. Mrs. Z put blame on me for something I couldn't have controlled (the lifeguard upholding the bathing suit rule). Who was really guilty? The girls, for bringing the wrong swimsuits, and Mrs. Z, for trying to bend rules she didn't have the authority to bend. I wasn't guilty of anything. I agreed with the lifeguard, but we're all entitled to our opinions. I think bikini swimsuits are generally immodest. It's okay if you disagree with me. I think none the less of you, and hope you think none the less of me. That is not a hill I'm willing to die on. In this whole fiasco, our opinions about the swimsuits in question weren't the issue. There was a rule, some girls wanted to break it, and Mrs. Z wanted to enable them to break it, and when the lifeguard didn't stand for that, I was the scapegoat. She wasn't just putting guilt on me, she was shaming my character. She was telling me that I was sending people to hell and turning them away from Christ. She asserted I didn't show love to my neighbors. She made some very unkind assumptions about what was in my heart. That is over the top and out of proportion for the situation.
Has anyone ever shamed you? Made assertions about your motives that just weren't true, but made you feel terrible inside? Clearly, the Bathing Suit Fiasco touched a nerve in Mrs. Z. That's unfortunate. But she had no cause to say such hateful things to me. I've had others shame me. I had someone tell me I should be ashamed because I hold different political views than they do. Once, when I was on a mission trip, I received some unwanted advances from a young man. When I went to a staff for help, this woman told me that the guy in question was godly, and I was just there to chase boys. Ashamed, I didn't try to get any further help for the problem, and ended up experiencing sexual harassment. Shame is a powerful weapon. What does God say about us as believers?
Romans 8:1 is a favorite scripture. It says, Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. That means no shame. I am in Christ. I love the Lord. I fail, but try to do right with His help. I'm not sending anyone to hell (ironically, I was an evangelist in my job). Jesus took the shame and punishment on the cross. I don't have to bear it. Later on in Romans 8, we read some of the sweetest words in scripture: Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies. Who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. (verses 33-34). Even if I had been hard on those girls (which I wasn't, I just obeyed the lifeguard), Jesus intercedes for me, and is still working on me. No one can lay a charge against me (or you), because Jesus took the punishment already, giving us His prefect righteousness. Isaiah 54:4 says, Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced. But you will forget the shame of your youth...
If Mrs. Z truly felt I handled the situation wrongly (I was little more than an innocent bystander), she should have lovingly pulled me aside and had a talk with me, asking me questions and gauging where I was coming from. She didn't do this. Maybe you've had similar situations. Remember, there is no condemnation. Regardless of how misunderstood you feel, you have the righteousness of Christ.
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