Tell Your Story!

    Have you ever had a wonderful experience, and yet someone else in the same time and place experienced it vastly differently than you?  Or maybe it was the opposite--you had a very difficult experience, maybe invalidating to you, or even abusive, and yet others in the situation thought it was wonderful.  In either event, how did this discrepancy make you feel?  Did it make you feel crazy inside, for not being "with the program?" Did it make you feel guilty, for missing something?  Did you ask, "Who is really right in this?" 

     I have seen little examples of different viewpoints all over the place.  My siblings and I grew up going to a Christian camp in the summers.  I had pretty good experiences there, being faced with spiritual truths that challenged me in my life and put me on paths I'm still walking today..  My sister had an exceptionally wonderful experience there, making close Christian friendships and soaking in the biblical teaching.  My brother had a very bad experience there, being bullied by other boys in his cabin and having counselors who didn't know how to handle it.  We all went to the same place, but all three of us had varying experiences.  Did my sister's amazing spiritual "mountain high" invalidate my brother's bad experience?  Did his bad experience negate my sister's growth in the Lord and the Christian friendships forged?  No.  All of it was part of reality.  This is a simple example.  Sometimes, though, the stakes are higher, and situations are more complex.  

My siblings and me.  I'm the oldest and tallest pictures (I'm still the oldest, obviously, but no longer tallest!

     I sat in surprise as I read the pastor's testimony.  This man, whom I'll call Pastor W,  had been our neighbor when I was growing up.  For a short while, when we first met their family, they attended our church.  They eventually began attending another church, where their family really seemed to flourish and grown in faith.  Eventually, this man became a pastor.  He served in his church for a while, but they eventually moved to another area and started a church there.  I had gotten back in touch with this wonderful Christian family, and was reading their church's website.  

     Pastor W's testimony was very graciously-worded.  It was his own story, and he had a right to tell it.  The shocking details were true, but the people involved were not named.  No one's reputation was sullied by what he had said.  Nobody would even know who he was talking about, or even what church, unless they had been there too and recognized the story.  Shocked, I came to discover that some real scandals had occurred in the church I had loved so much.  Not only that, but Pastor W hadn't even been saved when they attended our church, yet he was teaching Sunday school.  No one ever stopped to make sure he knew the Lord.  By his own admission, he was living a double life at the time, and no one in our church held him to account, or showed any concern for his soul.  My heart grieved for him as I read this.  He came to know Christ as his Savior when they switched churches, and he was actually in a situation with biblical accountability and solid teaching.  

     As I said, no one reading his testimony would know who he was talking about.  He was sharing his real story, as I believe the Lord would have him do.  He wrote it from a place of grace and gentleness.  I recognized some of the people involved, and I knew what church he referred to.  That was what grieved me so much.  I loved that church deeply.  The happiest parts of my childhood happened there.  We had some wonderful Christian friends.  I felt safe and secure.  Who I was in the Lord was enough.  The church had a school we were part of.  It was a wonderful place to grow up.  I had some wonderful teachers in church and school who really invested in me.  I have a lot of memories of us all visiting after church, sometimes even celebrating holidays together.  Skating rink trips and pool parties were peppered throughout the years.  Most of the scripture verses I know today, I learned at that church.  I still have deep friendships from that time and place in life.  Much good came from it...but it wasn't perfect, as Pastor W's testimony illustrates.  

     While Pastor W's story grieves me, it doesn't offend or threaten me.  It reveals that a church can produce both good and bad.  They can get some things right, and other things, very wrong.  The wrong things that happened at that church don't change the good things I experienced there.  On the other hand, the blessings don't excuse the wrong done.  I'm reminded of Jesus (through John) addressing the seven churches in Revelation 2 and 3.  Four of these churches had both positive and negative remarks from the Lord (Smyrna and Philadelphia had only positive feedback, and Laodicea only had negative).  I believe most churches today would be a mix of positives and things to work on.  

You can zoom in this chart to take a look at the seven churches Jesus addressed in Revelation

     I believe people need to share their stories.  Pastor W shared his, giving glory to the Lord.  He wasn't mean or negative about my home church.  He didn't even name the church or any of the people involved.  I only recognized them because I knew some of them, and a little bit of his story already.  What if Pastor W had felt that to share his story would be to imply bad things about people that some might possibly recognize?  I believe we should always be kind and sensitive, but we have a right--even an obligation--to share what God has brought us through.  It can help others.

    Some people argue that this is gossip.  It can be a fine line.  We need to be careful, and I think Pastor W did this appropriately.  Ephesians 5:16 points out, but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the heave, even Christ.  We are to speak the truth--our good and our bad experiences--but we are to do it in love.  We are to be considerate.  There was a time when sharing certain experiences from my journey was too much of a temptation to get revenge or bring certain people down.  That's wasn't of the Lord.  I needed to wait until I healed, and had a motive of speaking the truth in love.  

     I want to hasten to add that, if real abuse has occurred, that isn't the time to sugarcoat your story, or try to protect reputations.  Report it.  Get real help.  Warn others who might be in danger.  Sometimes, the people who are experiencing positive things in an abusive environment are in denial.  In those cases, sound the alarm!  But often, it isn't that defined, and that is what I'm referring to in most of this post.  

     Here is my struggle in all of this.  Like Pastor W (and everyone else), I have a story.  A testimony.  My testimony didn't happen in a vacuum.  Other people were involved, for better or worse.  Without slandering those who had a negative impact, I need to be sharing what happened.  In doing so, I am not denying the good someone else may have experienced, or downplaying the bad someone else experienced.  Their experience was real, and just as valid as mine.  What is proved here is that, in spite of a bad experience, there was possibly some real good, and in spite of good experience, it wasn't perfect.  

     When I was a young teenager, the church I loved (that had harmed Pastor W) fell apart.  Pastor W's story actually gave me a sense of closure and understanding of some of the rottenness that led to the downfall--rottenness I had neither known nor understood.  However, upon having this church die led us to join another local church.  This church was like most others, a mix of good and bad.  The pastor was a charming, talented man.  Some very wonderful people went there.  Many people gave their lives to the Lord as a result of this man's ministry.  These were all very good and valid truths about that church.  However, there was some difficulty that we experienced there.  What I experienced from that pastor as a teenage girl was an overexcited sense of narcissism.  That is how I experienced him.  That is not how everyone did.  My experience does not deny the good he did, or the people he led to the Lord, any more than Pastor W's story invalidates my joyful childhood.  But this second church was a hard place for me in a lot of ways.  The youth group was an emotionally unsafe place for me.  One of the teachers made a very embarrassing sexual joke about me in front of everyone, and I was completely humiliated.  The pastor defended his leaders when my parents complained about this.  He said it was my fault for being too different.  I was a young teenager at the time, and my self-esteem was shot.  It was a stumbling block to me in my life.  The final blow happened when I helped out in Vacation Bible School.  I assisted in the first and second grade class.  God really used our class, and 14 children came to the Lord that week!  The pastor told the teacher I was assisting that I shouldn't be allowed to lead people to the Lord, because I was too young (though to my face, he acted like he was proud of me).  After that week, he told my parents not to return to the church.  We'd been kicked out of the church!  Matthew 18 gives a clear explanation of how to execute church discipline.  First, sin needs to have happened (and it didn't!).  Second, one person needs to go confront the one in the wrong.  If he doesn't repent, more people are brought into it, until it goes before the church.  If he still won't repent, then he is removed from fellowship.  That was not how this was handled.  The concept of being told not to return to a church was more than I could take in.  I went into a very deep depression and was unable to even function for a long time.  I felt lower than worthless.  God had to breathe new life into me, and He did this at the next church we joined, but it took a long time, and there are days even now when I still struggle with it.  I believe that second church's issue was a narcissistic pastor (who had many good qualities as well) who had felt threatened.  There were WONDERFUL people among that group.  All of them had good qualities that the Lord used in some people's lives.  Some had vastly different (but just as real) experiences there, just as I had vastly different experiences than Pastor W.  

     Many years later, my mother and father ran into this pastor and his wife at the store, and they all had a good chat.  The pastor humbly apologized for his past wrongs, and asked my parents' forgiveness.  He acknowledged that he had been at fault.  Restored fellowship is a beautiful thing.  This pastor is now in heaven, enjoying the rewards for his service on earth.  I am convinced that, in spite of his faults, he heard Jesus say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."  

     For many years, I have cowered from sharing this part of my story.  I hadn't wanted to hurt anyone who had really been blessed by that pastor, because many were blessed through him.  An insecure part of me--that was damaged by that whole experience--feared the idea of people reading my story and deciding the pastor was right, and I was just too "different" to deserve love or respect.  I was a little bit afraid of having people come back on me with, "Take the plank out of your eye!  You're not perfect either!"  I'm not claiming I am.  I am only sharing my story, just like Pastor W did.  I forgave this pastor a long time ago, and am not angry.  I truly can see the good along with my hard experiences.  What happened still had a profound impact on my life, my coping skills, and who I am today.  To conceal that is to not let myself be fully known.  I will be sharing another story next time, which I have also had a hard time sharing for similar reasons.  .  

     I urge everyone to share your stories.  Be sensitive, but be truthful.  Just because someone else experienced it differently doesn't mean your experience isn't real, or isn't worth sharing.  God is waiting to use your experiences and victories in someone else's life!