Virtue

      Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven (Matthew 6:1).  I wanted to start with this scripture, and it will make sense as we go on.  

     We hear a lot about "virtue signaling" these days.  What is it exactly?  How is virtue signaling similar to compassion?  How is it different?  Is it right or wrong?  What are some ways we virtue signal?  

     The Oxford Languages online dictionary defines virtue signaling as, the action or practice of publicly expressing opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one's good character or the moral correctness of one's position on a particular issue.  In other words, it is demonstrating your own goodness in a way that others can see.  Sometimes, it is done in such a way where others are not allowed to disagree with you without looking like the bad guy.  

     Virtue signaling can look like compassion.  A view is stated, and it makes the one expressing it appear to be good, kind and caring about others.  Maybe they really are.  A small example I see every day is that the deodorant I use contains the statement on the back: vegan and cruelty free.  The makers of this deodorant want me to know they didn't harm animals.  By saying this, there is an implication that companies that do utilize animal products are cruel, while they themselves are not.  This appears that my deodorant company is compassionate toward animals, and maybe they really are.  Maybe a love for animals is at the heart of what they are doing, but in stating it as such, they are subtly putting others down.  And here is a question.  They might be cruelty free toward animals,  but are they really cruelty free in every area of their lives?  Are the employees of this company treating each other with respect?  I don't know them at all, so I can't say, but I find that when people have to virtue signal like that, there is some hypocrisy somewhere.  A truly compassionate person (as they purport themselves to be) is compassionate across the board, not just toward their target group (in this case, animals).  By the way, I love this deodorant for what it does and how it works, but I didn't buy it because of this claim.  

     A while ago, bumper stickers were very popular.  I haven't seen them as much (at least not in as much excess) in recent years, but I remember a time when most cars I saw out on the road had bumper stickers.  These stickers could tell other drivers where this person stood.  They could share something about their religion, the political candidate they espoused, or where they stood on a given issue.  Some of these stickers could also fit the definition of virtue signaling, even bumper stickers I agreed with.  How many people are going to change their views just because they saw your bumper sticker, stating a belief that opposed theirs?  I once saw a bumper sticker that said: Catholic, the original Christian.  As a Protestant (more specifically, a Baptist), I sort of saw this as the person trying to say that they were a better Christian than non-Catholics.  I didn't really care much, or let it get to me, but that was virtue signaling.  It was saying, "I'm better than you, because I'm original."  There are a lot of ways to examine that statement (and there was a reason for the Reformation), which I won't go into right now.  But seeing this bumpers sticker didn't make me say, "Wow, I want to be original too.  I'd better convert to Catholicism!"   If this Catholic driver really wanted to convince Protestants of the truth of his statement, he should engage people in conversation about why he believes as he does.  A virtue-signaling bumper sticker won't do it.  And the same is true of all little virtue-signaling barbs.  A bumper sticker that says "Pro-life" isn't going to make a pro-choice advocate say, "Oh my goodness!  I need to change right now!"  And yes, I am Pro-life.  We need to have a realistic view of how our statements will affect others (usually, they won't affect anyone at all.  They will only tell people where we stand).

    My historically-minded husband reminded me of many past examples of possible virtue signaling.  During the Cuban Missile Crisis, building a bomb shelter in your backyard was the thing to do.  You did this because you saw the Soviets as an imminent threat, and believed they were going to bomb the US out of Cuba.  You loved and wanted to protect your family.  It is not too difficult to imagine people who did this as judging those who didn't build bomb shelters, and saying things like, "I built a bomb shelter because I love my family," thus implying those who did not build them didn't love their families.  This is one of many examples where fear, patriotism, or concern with world events led people to these actions, and then led to an inflated sense of virtue over their decisions. 

     A more current example of virtue signaling dressed up as compassion is someone posting a Facebook meme that says something like: I got my Covid Vaccine because I value human lives, or this meme's cousin, I don't wear a mask for me, I wear it for you.  By using this example, I am neither encouraging nor discouraging the vaccine.  That isn't the point.  Let's look at that, and at other, similar statements.  The implication here is that the person sharing this statement believes that the vaccine (and/or masks) saves lives. If someone truly believes that, then it sounds like, by getting the vaccine (or wearing the mask), he or she has acted in integrity within his or her own conviction, which is the right thing.  But he or she should have stopped there, rather than advertising it and drawing attention of how good and supposedly loving they are.  According to the verse we started with, Matthew 6:1, these memes are completely against Jesus' teaching.  Okay, so the person did what he or she believed was right in getting vaccinated (or building a bomb shelter, or being part of the "original church," or being vegan and cruelty free), but if that is a righteous deed, it should not be advertised publicly.  If it is, all rewards from the Lord are lost.  The attention they get on Facebook (or from others in person) is all the reward they will receive (Matthew 6:2, They have received their reward in full.).

 

     There is another, deeper problem with this kind of public advertising about getting vaccines, wearing masks, or anything related to current events.  There are good people who disagree with each other about these things.  For that reason, sharing how virtuous you are by doing these things goes beyond just saying something good you did (which is already wrong to do, per Matthew 6:1).  This is starting a conflict with other good people who might not agree with the conclusions you have drawn.  To say I built my family a bomb shelter because I love them, or I got my vaccine because I value human lives is to imply that those who disagree don't love their families or value human lives.  That's painting other people in an unrealistic and very bad light.  A truly balanced and mature person realizes there are beautiful, smart, and virtuous people who disagree with them.  If someone didn't believe the Soviets were about to launch the missiles on the US out of Cuba, their lack of building a bomb shelter had nothing to do with not loving their families.  They simply didn't see it as an imminent threat--and history has proven them correct.  By the same token, if someone doesn't believe the vaccine saves lives, then by not getting it, they do not see themselves as a threat to human life, nor do they see getting it as particularly loving.  They have an entirely different view than the person who got the vaccine to save lives.  Both people are doing what they see as right, and for the best of themselves and others.  That being the case, it isn't fair to paint others as not caring about human lives, or to imply you are more virtuous, or value life more, just because your belief propelled you in a different direction.  That is so narrow-minded.  Even if you believe the other person is wrong, don't get into questioning the integrity behind their choice.  

     As I said about the vegan and cruelty free virtue signaling on my deodorant, when people make these statements, are they actually being hypocritical?  If someone gets a vaccine to save lives, that's great, but are they driving safely on the road to save lives as well?  Many more people die from car accidents than Covid.  If we really care about lives, we will be careful in all areas, not just the current hot topic area.  We need to examine our own hearts on this, and make sure our motive is what we claim to be.  If our goal is to preserve lives, we need to be doing that in every way possible, not just the controversial one.  This also means watching what we say, because the tongue has power of life and death... (Proverbs 18:21).  You can wreck someone's life by what you say.  If you get a vaccine, but are mean to others, you have accomplished nothing!  

     Returning for a moment to the idea of those with other viewpoints still having integrity, the Bible even testifies to the fact that someone can do the wrong thing, but do it with a clear conscience.  Genesis 20 tells about how King Abimelek took Abraham's wife Sarah for himself, believing she was available.  Abraham had lied to him, saying Sarah was his sister.  When the Lord revealed to Abimelek that Sarah was Abraham's wife, Abimelek said,  I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands. (Genesis 20:5).  God replied in the next verse, Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience...  The Bible doesn't paint Abimelek in a bad light.  It paints him as a man of integrity who made an innocent error, based on false information he was given.  God didn't allow Abimelek to touch Sarah, and He directed him to give Sarah back to her husband.  God directs those who truly want to hear from Him.  We need to recognize that there are people of integrity, being directed by God, who may not feel led the way we, ourselves are.  If we truly believe someone is wrong, then making simplified statement about the issue, or painting yourself as more virtuous, is not going to change the other person.  Take time to understand them, then share why you believe and act as you do.  One-on-one conversations are a lot more effective than prideful statements.  

Unfinished Business

     Ghosts in the attic.  Mice in the basement.  The quiet realization that they're there, even as you try to ignore them, deny their existence, protect yourself from what they will make you feel and do.  That's how unfinished business can seem.  Things you have never allowed yourself to face and examine.  Jesus gives an answer to dealing with unfinished business. ...the truth will set you free.  (John 8:32).  

      Over the last several weeks, I have been listening to the podcast The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill.  You can listen to this very compelling series here.  In short, it is the story of a church's founding, ministry, success, and then, seemingly out of nowhere to some, its collapse.  It is very interesting and intriguing.  I found myself wanting to listen to the next episode to find out what happened!  If it was a book, I'd call it a page-turner.  If it was on TV, I'd say it kept me on the edge of my seat.  It was almost like a whodunnit novel.  Yet it was real.  People weren't wounded for the fun of it the way they are in fictional stories.  

     As I listened to the podcast, I was led through some of the inner workings of Mars Hill Church, revealing the unforeseen rottenness that many at the time were not aware of.  As a listener, I could see why this church was headed for disaster for a very long time before it became apparent...but what about those who were in the middle of it, too close to be objective, yet too far away to be aware of some of the inner corruption and turmoil?  This church's story affected many, and we get to hear their stories.  On a deeper level, it becomes a case study.  Many other people have had this story in their own churches and ministries.  I have been part of a similar story in my own life, with a different church.  This podcast examines the wounds that can happen in ministry, from corrupt leadership, and it was very validating and therapeutic.  

     I think people telling their stories is important.  Second Corinthians 1:4 says, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  Some people try to silence those who share, accusing them of gossip, slander, and other things.  While we must be careful not to have that motive, it is also vital to be real about things, especially it it can help.  We can also use what we have learned to point out when we see something going wrong.  Galatians 6:1 reminds us, Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.  This verse is essentially saying, "If you see something, say something."  

     Mars Hill came into existence in Seattle in 1996, and lasted 18 years, closing for good at the end of 2014.  Like many modern churches, it had a humble beginning, before it grew into a multi-site megachurch with thousands of members and over 10,000 weekly attendees.  Pastor Mark Driscoll was a strong, dynamic person, which was why the church was able to grow and thrive so quickly, and also, sadly, why everything he built fell apart.  Even at its end in late 2014, there were still thousands of members, very loyal to the church, giving faithfully.  Why couldn't it be saved?  You'll have to listen to the podcast for that.  I'm not going to focus specifically on Mark Driscoll in this post.  I am also not going to reiterate everything from the podcast.  For all of that info, I suggest you listen to it yourself.  It might resound with you too.  Here, I am going to interact with a story that is really about many other people who had nothing to do with Mars Hill Church itself, but lived through similar experiences.  

     Part of the reason I relate so strongly to this story is because my experience happened in the mid 90's, about the time Mars Hill Church was starting.  Mars Hill was part of the same culture, the same point in history, even the same part of the country I was from (West Coast).  My experience happened at a much smaller church, which my family attended from 1994-1996.  The name of this church was Canyon Hills.  At the time we joined Canyon Hills, our lifelong church had just fallen apart.  That first church, Corona Heights Baptist Church, was (and still is) the love of my life, church-wise.  That was where I had grown up, formed my faith and values, built true-blue friendships.  I felt safe and happy there.  Our small Christian school had been affiliated with it, and so, between church and school, I was with our close-knit church family all the time, making memories that will last forever.  Losing that, in and of itself, had been hard.  We had seen good friends move away.  We had stayed as long as we could, and fought for it, but to no avail.  That experience gave me this sense of trying to control things I have no power over--a habit I am still working on breaking with God's help.  At the time, we felt like spiritual refugees.  

My siblings and me (I'm the tall one on the left) in front of Corona Heights Baptist Church in its heyday.  This picture was used in our family Christmas cards in 1991.  I was in fourth grade here, and all was still well.  

     I was in junior high in 1994 when we lost Corona Heights Baptist Church, just hitting that age when acceptance means everything.  I had just lost all of my very closest friends.  I mean, I didn't lose them exactly (many of us stayed in touch with letters, and now keep in touch as adults), but our lives were no longer together.  They were in other places, making new friends.  I was very lonely.  And here we were, going to this new church that was just founded two years before we got there.  Canyon Hills met at a local elementary school.  The pastor, like Mark Driscoll, was dynamic and outgoing.  He could be very personable.  Having listened to the entire podcast, I will say that our pastor at Canyon Hills did not push the outlandish topics Mark Driscoll did, such as extreme teachings about sex or gender roles.  Our pastor's teaching was biblical, and none of it would be considered extreme or outside the norm for evangelical teaching.  The similarities were of a different sort, and will be illustrated.  

     I came to Canyon Hills a lonely but friendly adolescent.  I spent two years in the youth group (which included 7th-12th graders), never feeling for sure that I was enough.  I reached out, but never gave out of the deepest part of my heart.  That belonged first and forever to Corona Heights.  Canyon Hills was different too.  It catered to the "unchurched" rather than the "unsaved."  There is a subtle difference.  When you're reaching the unchurched, you are promoting church, trying to get these people in the doors, and that is an end in itself.  If you're reaching the unsaved (as Jesus commanded), you are preaching the gospel of Christ, and their salvation is the end goal.  At Canyon Hills, they were creating a church culture that would seem more attractive to the young suburban families of the 90's.  Long-time, solid Christian families like ours were the minority.  This meant that, while the gospel was definitely being preached, and people were definitely and genuinely saved, it was given a more positive slant.  The focus was on externals, such as what kind of people the church was aiming for.  I think it is better when churches focus on things all humans need and have in common, and then welcome everyone God brings.  Canyon Hills' leadership would have said they wanted to do that, but their focus was on a specific type, and we weren't it.  

     The youth group was led by an attractive couple in their early 30's.  The wife called the shots, and was buddy-buddy with all of the girls--except me.  One day, at a social function, she made a joke about my breasts in front of everyone, and I was stunned and humiliated.  It was one of those things where I was so shocked I didn't even respond right then.  It took a while to even register that she had said that.  Beyond my womanly figure, I was also considered to be too spiritual in the group.  I knew the Bible too well.  I was labeled as "the human Bible," and it wasn't said as a compliment (though I chose to take it that way). I was labeled as a "nerd" (another non-compliment I chose to take as one), and I began to think being smart was the only way I could win or have value.  My attempts to share my faith with newcomers were considered "shoving it down their throats," and I was rebuked and ridiculed by the teacher.  To this day, I hate the expression "shove it down their throat," and I cringe when I hear it used.  Jesus never warned anyone to avoid shoving it down people's throat!   He commanded us to preach the gospel!  That's what I had grown up being taught to do, both in my home and in my former church.  The way I was was considered "normal" in places I had previously been, and now, I was being shamed for it.  One Sunday, our lesson was about how we shouldn't "judge" Mormons, and that Mormonism was the same as Christianity.  I know the pastor didn't believe this.  He had no idea this was what the youth leaders were teaching us, but the thing was, they didn't know the Word well enough to be in a leadership position, and that was his responsibility.  It was part of the culture he created.  I was told years later that one of my classmates from that group dabbled in Mormonism, and her family held our teacher responsible for putting that in her mind.  

     The girls in the youth group were very mean and cliquish.  I remember one time, I gave a girl a card on her birthday.  She and the others around her just laughed at me, and the girl just threw it away without opening it.  Another time, I went on a girls outing, and no one would talk to me the whole time.  One of these girls eventually had a change of heart and wrote me an apology letter, and we had a positive relationship after that.  The longer I live, the most impressed I am that someone that young could have the integrity to acknowledge her wrong and make it right.  That showed a lot of maturity on her part, and I respect her for it.  I have seen very few adults make that mature of an amends.  

     It wasn't all bad.  I was very popular as a babysitter for the families in the church.  The boys in the youth group were my friends.  One particular boy was very sweet, and I consider him my first boyfriend.  At our Christmas formal, he told me I was "very beautiful" and I thought I'd melt!  We were young, and couldn't go anywhere, so we didn't officially date, but we liked each other and hung out together all the time.  I used to fantasize about him proposing to me (I am sure that marriage was the furthest thing from this young teenage boy's mind!). 

     The summer of 1996, I was going into my freshman year of high school.  I worked in Vacation Bible School.  I was helping Mr. Johnson, the first-and-second-grade teacher.  I must add that my boyfriend was in the group with us.  He was helping in VBS, and wanted to work in the same class as me.  At first, I thought that was very romantic, but by the end of that week, I was at a very different place about many things in my life, including what I wanted in a future husband.  Mr. Johnson asked me to do a little talk every day after his lesson.  That first day, I stood up before those innocent children, and something happened in me, in that room, in the world.  The Holy Spirit lit a fire I cannot explain.  I opened my mouth, and this power came over me.  The gospel poured forth from me effortlessly.  As I explained Christ's death and resurrection, the children's eyes lit up with understanding.  That week, I was able to see 24 children receive Christ as their Savior.  It wasn't me.  It was all God, and I was honored and excited that He used me.  I knew then that I was called to something more.  More than anything I had ever imagined.  I was excited about God using me.  I had that joy that can only come from touching eternity.  Something from beyond this life took up residence inside of me.  

     That time was not without its battle wounds.  Both the pastor and the children's ministry director disliked my evangelism.  I'm not sure why, but I think I was acting outside of the structure they wanted to see--adults teaching, and teenagers being helpful but quiet.  I think they saw what I was doing as a liability.  I found out later that the pastor had asked Mr. Johnson to stop letting me share with the class, but Mr. Johnson felt God was using me, and he didn't stop me.  At the end of that week, Mr. Johnson wrote me the kindest note I have ever received, and I still have it today.  Mr. Johnson passed away in 2012, and shortly before he did, he called me, and again thanked me for sharing Jesus in that VBS 16 years earlier.  It was very sweet, and I cherish the memory of that phone call.  

     Shortly after that VBS, the pastor told my father that our family was no longer welcome to come to the church.  He claimed we weren't on the same page as him.  There were a few issues that had arisen, but one of them was my actions at VBS.  The pastor spoke against me to my dad, saying I was too "different" to ever fit in at that church or with what they were doing.  

     The pastor didn't tell anyone he kicked us out, and the next Sunday, people were surprised my family wasn't there to do their usual ministries (my mom taught children's church and my dad taught an adult Bible study).  The pastor said he didn't know why we weren't there, and made us look like we had flaked out.  This led to us receiving calls from confused church members.  It was hard for my parents to know what to tell them.  Many of them were eventually kicked out as well, for crossing the leadership in different ways.  I was told by someone who left after us that the pastor's right-hand man told them, "God isn't going to be able to bless you anymore."  Wow.  I was not a first-hand witness to that, but that was what I was told, and it is terrible.  To my knowledge, though, my family was the first domino to fall, and had no frame of reference for it.  Almost a year later, I was visiting a church member, and saw the latest church directory by their home phone.  It was dated just a month earlier.  Out of curiosity, I thumbed through, and discovered that my family was still listed in it!  Way to beef up membership to look impressive for having more people than you actually do!  I thought keeping us in there was pretty nervy, since we had been summarily kicked out.  By that time, we were members of another church, which I'll share about in a minute.  

     So, here I was, a high school freshman, having just found my purpose and calling, having just experienced the joy some live a whole lifetime and never find, and yet totally rejected by people I thought I could trust.  I had no words for what had happened.  Getting kicked out of a church by a pastor FOR EVANGELISM was completely unprecedented to me.  I was completely shaken up.  I went into a very deep depression, and even contemplated suicide.  A pastor represents God to a lot of people, and to have a pastor and church reject me made me feel like God had rejected me.  I felt like I wasn't good enough to be around other Christians.  I retreated very deeply within.  I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if I had been told that God couldn't bless me anymore.  

     God was so faithful to me.  He led me onward.  He led my family to a good little church.  This church was the polar opposite of Canyon Hills.  It was founded in 1927 (we celebrated the 70th anniversary of the church about six months after we started going there).  They were simple, with the old hymns and a pastor who preached out of the King James Bible.  I hasten to add that I do not think that old hymns and the King James Bible exclusively are a must (the Bible is a must, but I am not KJV only) but these older things were the trappings of a place God used to heal us, and they are special to me now because of that.  The pastor was an old-fashioned soul-winner who gave alter calls after every message.  I was accepted and able to plug in, but I never really opened up or trusted anyone again for many, many years.  I struggled with panic attacks.  My fears, insecurities, and ghosts from Canyon Hills never left.  They became the "ghosts" in the attic, so to speak.  My unfinished business.  

     I had no idea that, around that same time, at a church in Seattle, similar things were starting to take place.  Over Mars Hills' 18 years, Pastor Mark Driscoll treated people similarly to the way my family was treated.  He kicked people out who dared to get in his way or do things differently than the way he wanted them to be done.  He shamed and condemned people.  He urged his congregation to shun those who were kicked out.  He was manipulative.  He told one pastoral staff who quit that if he tried to start another ministry in the same area, he would come over and tear it down, brick by brick.  Hearts were broken.  Lives were left in confusion.  Fellowship was lost.  

     Why do people stick around so long where so much hurt and dysfunction are going on?  There isn't a simple answer to that, but often, it is because people pour their hearts and souls into these churches, giving their everything to them...and sometimes, these churches give people their everything too.  It's hard to walk away from that.  It's impossible to forget.   Sometimes, it starts out wonderfully, and slowly starts showing signs of being unhealthy.  When we start to become aware of the problems, we think of the good times, and are hesitant to accept that there really is something truly bad happening.  It is easy to believe that you're one conversation away from getting things back to the way they used to be.  No one wants to be a quitter.  There were good moment in all of these churches.  Many people made true decisions for Christ at Mars Hill, and at Canyon Hills.  Many people had happy stories of victory in these places, and it is no one's intention to take that away from them.  The good was there.  If it wasn't, we would never go to such places to begin with.  

     Even my "love of my life" church, Corona Heights Baptist, had its issues.  I have very happy childhood memories there.  Some other friends of mine, though, experienced it quite differently.  God truly delivered them out of it, and led them to a place that was a better fit for them.  I completely believe and acknowledge that their bad experiences happened there, and they completely believe and acknowledge my good experiences happened there.  We're real about it all.  And that's the way I want to be about Canyon Hills, and everything else.  Some people had truly beautiful, life-changing, eternity-touching experiences there, and it was very real.  The pastor did accomplish good.  So did Mark Driscoll.  My goal here is not to bad-mouth people.  I know that isn't the goal of the podcast either.  It's to speak the truth.  

Me happily receiving an AWANA award at Corona Heights Baptist Church in its prime. I am surrounded by good friends and teachers who loved and invested in me.  I didn't have an insecurity in the world when this picture was snapped in 1990.  It was perfect for me, but not for everyone, and that is okay.

     I didn't receive healing in my life from my own experience until I was in my late 20's.  I spent about fifteen years having silent panic attacks in my closet.  In self-loathing, right after I graduated from Bible college Summa Cum Laude, gave a great speech as salutatorian, and was showered with love, I had a panic attack that lasted three days.  This was because the shame from my past told me I didn't deserve this honor.  No one who got kicked out of churches deserved this honor, I thought.  I even physically hurt myself.  I know it broke God's heart for me to feel ashamed of the honor I had worked hard for.  

     A scripture that started to bring healing to the deepest part of my heart was where Jesus spoke to His disciples at the Last Supper.  I have said all these things to you to keep you from falling away. They will put you out of the synagogues. Indeed, the hour is coming when whoever kills you will think he is offering service to God. And they will do these things because they have not known the Father, nor me. But I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told them to you.  (John 16:1-4).  Jesus wasn't warning His disciples about the pagan Roman Empire (which would surely persecute them), but about those who claimed to know and speak for God.  I believe this speaks to those of us wounded by fellow believers.  Sometimes, these people don't know God at all.  Other times, they are true believers simply acting apart from His will.  In talking about this recently with a friend of mine, she also brought up Psalm 55:12-14, If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide.  But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers.  This is a biblical basis to validate that these things do happen.  

     As that fourteen-year-old, I had already lost one church I loved.  This time, I lost a sense of community, a sense of self, and even the boy I thought I was falling in love with.  I could dramatize and romanticize it by saying I lost these things for the sake of the gospel.  In a sense, that is true enough, but it wasn't that clear-cut or simple at the time.  Nobody said to me, "Give up this gospel message and you'll be accepted and get the guy, or continue sharing the gospel and lose it all."  I believe, had I been given that choice, I would have chosen the gospel.  But I wasn't even given that.  I didn't bravely choose Christ over the life I had, which is why I don't see myself as particularly heroic.  I just faced a very unexpected consequence for the stand I took.  It led to years of doubt and struggle.  Even now, I have a heightened sense of feeling unsafe in certain situations.  A lot of times, I have insight that is valid.  Other times, I am being distrustful and overreacting.  

     I definitely feel I lost that sense of being a normal Christian teenager of the 90's.  While kids around me were rocking out to DC Talk's Jesus Freak, thinking it was such a deep message, I wanted to scream and plug my ears, annoyed that their version of persecution was being called a name.  I would have loved to have simply been teased and called a Jesus Freak, as opposed to losing so much that was important to me.  I had already been labeled as The Human Bible and a nerd.  What was one more name?  This many years later, I acknowledge that the song did have a good message.  I just wasn't their target audience.  There weren't a lot of songs or resources out there for fourteen-year-olds who got kicked out of churches for sharing the gospel with second graders in VBS.  Even saying that today sounds crazy.  That's why this podcast resounded with me.  Finally, there is something for me.  Someone else can relate to me, in some way.  Craziness happens in church.  Hurts happen in church.  It isn't supposed to be that way, but it is sometimes.  

     What about these hard and hurtful situations?  What do we do about the ghosts in our attics?  People from Mars Hill report to still having panic attacks about it.  Some former members interviewed couldn't talk about it without crying.  One parson said, "It's not something you ever get over."  Some have become unable to bring themselves to attend any church at all.  This choice and reaction is on them, but the blame for the damage heaped on them lies with the leadership.  Here is a takeaway brought out by the podcast.  Our faith often becomes a culture that can turn toxic.  We must separate the pure truth of the gospel from that culture.  Western evangelicalism is not always the same as biblical Christianity.  It is a culture unto itself, and must be watched carefully.  We need to constantly examine.  Lamentations 3:40 says, Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the LORD.  

     Here is another question--some food for thought.  What was the Good News at Mars Hill, at Canyon Hills, and at many similar churches?  What is the Good News at your church today?  Is it the good news that Jesus Christ died for our sins, rising again, conquering sin and death for all time, and now offers salvation to all who will believe?  Or is the good being preached a gospel of how great and accepting the church is, or how "relevant" the messages are?  Is the heartfelt prayer of that church the prayer of the self-righteous Pharisee or the repentant tax-collector (See Luke 18:9-14)?    These are things to look and and keep in mind.  

     Why do I share any of this?  This is the first time I have shared this part of my story in this much detail.  Some would call this examination of Mars Hill's rise and fall to be timely as things like this continue to happen.  And yet to me, it came twenty-five years too late.  Better late than never, I suppose.  I think of many people, whose stories will never be told, but who can find identity with it.  I wish I could travel back in time to that high school freshmen who was dying from her depression, and tell her she isn't alone.  

I have so few pictures from my teen years, since I struggled so much with what happened, but this is one of the rare photos I have from that time.  I'm not sure why it is in black-and-white.  I remember having it in color at one point.  This is mid-90's teenage Janelle.

     Back to my original question, what about those ghosts in the attic?  That unfinished business?  Sometimes, it sadly must remain just that.  We can face it for what it is.  Sometimes, there really is healing and restoration through leadership acknowledging their mistakes and sins and making it right.  Other times, all we can do is release it to God.  I will point out that, many years after the fact, the pastor from Canyon Hills Church ran into my father at a store, and they were able to go sit down and talk about what had happened.  The pastor apologized and acknowledged that he had sinned against us.  My dad accepted his apology.  This pastor spent the rest of his life serving the Lord, before succumbing to cancer in 2014.  Canyon Hills as a church had ceased to exist long before, and I don't know the specifics.  I have worked through the darkness, and have forgiven.  I am not mad at anyone, but I am also not the same person I was before the summer of 1996.  I am not so trustful.  I am very choosey about pastors, and spiritual leaders.  I am slow to believe.  My trust must be earned.  I am also slower to bond with others.  I'm friendly, but not as open-hearted as I was before any of this happened.  I am also very quick to weigh what I am told, and not to blindly follow leaders.  I respectfully question authority figures if something they say doesn't seem right.  Some leaders accept this.  Others find this threatening (which probably means they are up to no good).  

     I will close with the story of a young man named Benjamin Petry, age 21 as of this writing.  He was seven years old in 2007, when his family was kicked out of Mars Hill.  His father and another man in leadership had crossed Mark Driscoll.  This had spiritually wounded and damaged his family.  He was young, but was still very aware of the effect this had on his family.  After Mars Hill died, Mark Driscoll started a new church in Arizona.  This year, that church had their 5th anniversary.  Benjamin Petry decided to fly down to Arizona to attend.  He was facing the ghosts of his family's past.  He didn't go with any expectation.  

          After the service, Benjamin met up with Mark Driscoll in the foyer, and engaged him in conversation.  When Pastor Mark realized who he was, he got awkward.  Benjamin very politely but boldly said he believed his dad had been wrongly treated by Mark, and encouraged Mark to reach out to his dad and apologize to him.  Pastor Mark just said, "Well, your dad's a great guy, but he's got these things..."  Benjamin persisted that he would give Mark his dad's number if he needed it, but urged him to reach out.  He was trying to facilitate reconciliation.  Pastor Mark ended up brushing him off.  Benjamin faced the ghosts in his family's attic.  Despite that Mark Driscoll did not accept what he was trying to do, I consider Benjamin the victor.  He was brave where Mark was weak.  He can move on with his life, as we all can when we face what has happened to us, made right what we can, and moved forward in God's strength.  You can read the entirety of Benjamin Petry's account here.  He gives a lot of insight into the experience that I didn't have time for here.  

     Face your past.  In Jesus, it has no power over you.  Move on in the victory Jesus gave you.  Don't give up on God, faith, or church.  Find a safe, encouraging place where God's word is taught in love and truth.  It's okay.  You are not alone.   

Man Plans His Way...

     Proverbs 16:9 aptly says, A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.  We have certainly experienced that!

     My husband and I just took a trip to Idaho to spend Thanksgiving with family and friends.  We had a fun drive up, visiting another missionary couple in Kansas along the way.  

Walter and I are pictured with our good friends, Bob and Becca Adamson.  The four of us have served in ministry together.  They recently moved back to their hometown of Newton, Kansas, and we enjoyed visiting with them en route to Idaho!

     We also enjoyed some beautiful scenery in Wyoming...

     Along the way, we have been listened to two of our favorite Christian fiction books on CD, Frank Peretti's This Present Darkness, and the sequel, Piercing the Darkness.  We had both read these books several times, but listened to them on CD was kind of a different experience, and we enjoyed it.  It was a nice drive.

 

     While in Idaho, we enjoyed time with friends and family, especially our precious niece Macey.  Here, we are pictured with her at our favorite pizza restaurant in Rupert, Idaho, Doc's Pizza.  You can't really tell, but she is wearing a T-shirt we got her that says Somebody in Arkansas Loves Me!  

     The adventure really got crazy on our return trip.  We had some reasons we wanted to take a less conventional trip home.  We took a beautiful highway through Eastern Idaho, up into the Montana Rockies.  It was absolutely gorgeous, and we had a wonderful time taking in that beauty and the Lord's presence.  These two pictures were taken just minutes apart, and only a few miles.  In the first, the outside temperature was in the 20's, and in the latter, it was almost 50 degrees!

     The object of our goal (one of them) was to get to Hamilton, Montana (which we did) and go Black Friday shopping at Kmart--one of the few Kmarts left!  From here on out, the pictures I'll show are off the Internet and not my phone/camera, and I'll explain why in a minute.  As you can see, this Kmart in Hamilton has the original signage from before 1990 (when it switched).  Even though I got this picture off the Internet, I can attest that it looks just like this.  

     Many of you know that Kmart is an old favorite of mine.  I grew up going there long before my home state had Walmart.  Even after we did, I have always preferred Kmart.  It saddens me that there are so few left, and if I'm honest, I doubt any will remain in the long run (I'd love to be surprised, though).  We love going to Kmart.  As some of you remember, we took a very quick trip up to Marshall, Michigan a few months ago and went to their Kmart (which is now set to close soon, but at the time, was doing very well.  The manager even offered us jobs!).  I think our out-of-the-way excursion to the Hamilton Kmart was sort of a fun attempt at nostalgia, maybe trying to cling to the past one last time.  Trying to do what we can to stop the inevitable tide from going out.  Do you do that with anything?  Kind of sad, isn't it?  But we had fun.  

     Anyway, from there, we drove across Montana.  Right about the time we got out of Kmart, my phone simply stopped working.  It doesn't recognize the sim card.  We didn't have time to deal with it then, but we were certain that we could run into an AT&T store the next day and get a new sim card.  No problem, right?  Five minutes, tops.  

     We got to North Dakota (which was another goal we had.  It was the last state in the contiguous US West of the Mississippi Walter had not been to).  We lived in South Dakota for a few years, but never made it to North Dakota.  We have now, and really like it.  That northern accent I had in South Dakota (but lost) has returned to me up here!  Just ask me to say the word "Dakota" and you'll hear it with the long O!  I've also gotten back into saying "eh?" at the end of sentences!  It's amazing how easy it is to pick it back up!  HA! HA!  I'm sure I'll lose it again soon!  For me to make all states west of the Mississippi, I still have to go to Louisiana, but I will soon enough.  I've also not been to Alaska, and Walter hasn't been to Alaska or Hawaii, so we have some more traveling to do!

     Anyway, in Bismarck, North Dakota, we took my phone into a shop.  It literally took them hours to figure out that the phone is simply dead.  It wasn't the sim card, but the phone.  I am phoneless!  I had just gotten this phone, so I am eligible for a free replacement.  It will just take a week or so!  I am phoneless for the time being.  I am reachable by email (on my computer) but not by text or phone call until I get that replacement!

     That stay at the AT&T shop took its time and put us way behind schedule.  We were able to enjoy a nice late lunch or early dinner in Bismarck before setting off...but then something else happened we did not anticipate.  Walter got sick. Very, very sick.  We had to pull over on the Interstate ever five miles or so for him to get out and get sick behind the car on the shoulder.  It was awful for him.  It took a very long time to get to Fargo (the state's largest city, and on the far eastern end of North Dakota).  By then he felt like he was dying!  We went to the hospital and admitted him.  It turned out to be very bad heartburn.  He is perfectly okay, and was discharged after a few hours.  That hospital is willing to work with Walter's insurance (he has it through being a member of the Cherokee Tribe).  Anyway, by the time he was discharged, he was very late, and we just checked into a local hotel.  We had not planned to stay in Fargo overnight, but here we are.  We had hoped to get home early Sunday morning--maybe in time for church!  As I type this, it is mid morning on Sunday, and we haven't left Fargo yet.  Also, due to the situation, we have to make a stop in Oklahoma to take care of some insurance things regarding his hospital stay, and that will add more time.  We probably won't be home until late Monday.  

     I am so thankful for the adventure of it all, the safety we've had, and especially that Walter is going to be okay.  If you read this before the evening of the 29th, pray for a safe return home.  We have a lot of ministry this week (Happy Birthday Jesus parties, normal Good News Club, meetings with church leaders, etc.).  We had it all planned out, but God directs our steps.  He had a purpose in this, and we are trusting Him!  

Reflection

     "Why does this stuff happen to me?" I asked myself as I cried in my car.  "What's wrong with me?  Why does this keep happening?"

     What was I referring to?  In this case, I was referring to the ending of a dating relationship.  I was twenty-three, and the guys I seemed to attract had some scary similarities.  They were all wimps!  They talked about wanting a future, but then didn't follow through.  They would build up to getting serious with me, causing me to really get my hopes up, but then pull back, leaving. me confused.  When I questioned one of them, he denied everything about our relationship had even happened at all.  This left me feeling crazy and confused.  It had just happened again, with a young man I had thought was better than that.  This all really played on my self-esteem.  My husband Walter eventually came along, and had the strength of character to make a stand.  

     This wasn't the only case of me questioning myself in reaction to other people's behavior toward me.  Why did this friendship end?  Why did this boss not like me?  Why didn't this or that situation work out?  What was it about me?  

     And until recently, I would think that way any time an uncomfortable situation happened to me.  So-and-so was rude--what's wrong with me?  So-and-so asked me an inappropriate question--what's wrong with me?  You name it.  Maybe you do this too.  You think that people's words and actions are a reflection of you.  Well, I learned some good news, and I want to share it:  What you do is a reflection of you.  What someone else does is a reflection of them!

     First of all, the experiences I had (in dating, friendships, work, etc.) were not really that unique to me.  Many people face the things I did, so it really wasn't "just me."  I would venture to guess that everyone has had people treat them rudely, leave them out, hurt their feelings, overstep bounds with them.  I imagine almost everyone who has been in the workforce for any length of time has had a boss that didn't really connect with them.  Very few have never been disappointed in love.  The commonality of such things should make us all aware that it isn't "us" as much as part of being human.  Their sin against you didn't happen because of some unseen force of your personality that you're not aware of.  

     Also, those people's actions reflect on that person, not on you.  It is their problem.  Someone of the opposite sex showing an interest, monopolizing your time, making sure they have your attention, alluding to marriage, and then pulling back without explanation and denying everything reflects their own lack of readiness (possibly cowardliness), not something about you.  Someone being harsh or cruel reflects their own brokenness, not yours.  The Bible is very clear that everyone sins (Romans 3:23).  It is also clear that every person is responsible for his or her own sins.  Deuteronomy 24:16 says, ...every man shall be put to death for his own sin.  As Christians, we have taken Jesus' sacrifice for our sins as our means of salvation and forgiveness...but that does not absolve us of responsibility for our wrongdoing.  We will give an account to God for our lives (Romans 14:12).  We are responsible.  When it comes to what people say and do to us, that reveals their heart, not ours (A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil; for of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaketh. -Luke 6:45).  We will not give an account to God for other people's actions.  That's on them.  What they do and say to you comes out of their heart--their beauty or their ugliness.  It isn't your fault.  Unfortunately, their problem can hurt you, but it isn't your sin.  It doesn't reflect on you.  It has taken me a very long time to learn this.  God is with you as you heal from the hurts inflicted by other people's sin (He healeth the brokenhearted, and bindeth up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3). 

     If someone is hurtful, unkind, insincere, or inconsistent with you, that is a reflection on that person, not on you.  Your only possible fault is allowing that in your life.  You show people how they are allowed to treat you by tolerating what they do.  Your toleration is your action (albeit a passive action) and reflects on you.  If someone continues to treat you in a way you don't like, talk to them about it.  If that doesn't work, distance yourself.  Surround yourself with safe people who make you feel good and urge you on in the Lord.  

     Sometimes, things are complicated.  There are intense conflicts with deep feelings on all sides.  Someone pushes another person's buttons, and they react badly.  The same principle applies.  Each is responsible for his or her actions.  The person who pushed is reflecting who they are.  The person who reacts is doing the same.  An example of this is the story of Moses.  The Israelites had tried the patience of both God and Moses.  That reflected on them, and God disciplined them.  But Moses wasn't perfect either. In Numbers 20, he disobeyed God in anger toward the people.  He struck the rock instead of speaking to it.  The people's sin had angered Moses to the point that he chose to sin.  Their sin wasn't on Moses, but his own reaction was.  The result was that Moses didn't get to go into the Promised Land.  His disobedience was a reflection of himself, completely separate from what the Israelites did.  

     There is no one to blame for our own sin.  No one made you do it.  If they are pushing you, triggering you, and brining out the worst in you, that reflects on them, and you are responsible to remove yourself.  What you do always reflects on you.  So here are my questions for you to ponder and pray about:

1) What sins of other people have you agonized over and taken as a reflection of yourself? 

2) What are your current choices, actions, and words reflecting about you?  What would God have you do about it?  

Only God

      What are some things that you, as a believer, can do?  According the scripture, you can do all things through Christ! (Philippians 4:13).  But what does that mean?  Is this verse a promise that we can always have the outcomes we want in a situation?  I have seen people use this verse to claim things that we are not promised, such as winning a contest, achieving certain results, or material gain.  What is the "everything" we can do through Christ?  In short, it is everything we are called to do.  In context, the Apostle Paul was talking to the Philippians about being able to get along with very little, or with plenty.  God can enable us to accomplish what He has called us to do.  We can have spiritual victory.  We can have a victorious perspective, even in the face of defeat.  We can press on toward the next thing God has for us (Philippians 3:14--a chapter earlier!).  There are many things that the power of God in our lives can help us do.  

     The problem I have found is that sometimes, people attempt to accomplish things that only God can do.  I have been guilty of this myself.  Perhaps you have as well.  Most of the time, people are well-meaning, and what they want is good and godly.  It just isn't humanly possible.  Maybe it would be easier to explain if I gave some examples.  

1) Only God can save.

     As Christians, we are commanded to preach the gospel, but we are never commanded to save anyone.  Only God does that.  Only God draws people to understand and believe the gospel.  We might be tempted to try harder to be persuasive.  We might try harder to create this "come to Jesus" environment.  In John 6:44, Jesus said, No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.  In Ephesians 2:8, we are told that even the faith to receive Christ is not of your own doing.  It is the gift of God.  In First Corinthians 2:4, the Apostle Paul wrote, and my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power.  Conversion is a work of the Spirit, not a work of the person sharing the Gospel.  We do our best, and God uses us, but only He can convince someone of the truth.  

     I remember, many years ago, I worked at a Christian day care center.  There was a very sweet first grader named Mikey.  One Monday, I was chatting with Mikey while he dug in the sand on the playground.  I ended up sharing the gospel with him, explaining about sin, Christ, and salvation. I told him how a person could respond to God's invitation, but I didn't ask him to do it.  The next day, I shared with Mikey again, and he listened intently.  I repeated this every day as I had opportunity to talk with him on the playground.  All week, he listened politely to me, not saying much, but taking it in.  By Friday, I thought, "He's heard it all week.  He must be ready now!"  So once again, I shared the gospel, but this time, I asked him if he wanted to receive Christ.  He responded, "Why should I do it today?  I already did it on Monday the first time you told me about it!"  God had saved this boy, and I didn't have any clue!  It's His work, but He lets us help!

2) Only God can open doors.

     In Acts 16, Paul attempted to go share Christ in Asia, but, for reasons we don't fully understand, the Holy Spirit prevented him.  Instead, God used a dream to cause Paul to go to Philippi (and that is the beginning of the gospel in Europe, and by extension, the beginning of the gospel to North and South America, Australia, and yes, even to Asia).  God closed doors, and opened doors.  He does the same with us today.  Revelation 3:7-8 tell us that God opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens. "‘I know your works. Behold, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut..."  I know I have often seen closed doors as a sign that I didn't try hard enough, or that I need to push harder.  What I really need to be doing is seeking the Lord's perspective.  Sometimes, we need to seek Him, asking Him what He is doing, and what He wants us to do.  He always answers when we ask, and it can save a lot of time and frustration!  There may be times when a seemingly closed door isn't really being closed by God, and God might want you to soldier through until you see results.  It takes God's guidance to see which doors are open to us.  

     Right now, in my current ministry, I am attempting to start a Good News Club at a certain location.  It has been a very slow process.  We've hit a few walls.  Is God opening this door or not?  Well, right now, we have an open door to at least promote the Bible Club, and generate interest from families.  That is our open door at the moment.  Until God closes that door, or leads us to change what we're doing, we are attempting to walk through the door.  Pray for us about this!  

3) Only God can convict someone, create vulnerability between believers, and change lives.

     That might sound like several points in one.  They might not seem as if they really connect, but they can.  I have been in so many ministry situations (Bible studies, mission teams, etc.) where the person in charge really wanted to make deep impressions on us, and made speeches that were intended to be life-changing, convict and change us, make us open up and share really personal things with each other, and ultimately change our lives.  When God creates that, it is a beautiful thing.  When people try to create it, it falls short.  John 16:8 says that the Holy Spirit convicts of sin.  Clearly, we do not.  God might use something you or I say to reveal to someone their need to repent, but in our own strength, we'll only make people mad!  As for creating vulnerability, bonds between believers are so special that a watching world should know we are Christ's disciples (John 13:35).  That is a work of the Spirit.  As we have already seen, only God can work in people's lives (which goes with salvation, as well as conviction of sin or personal guidance in a believer's life).  

     I have recently been in a group with some very precious Christian women.  This group wasn't the best fit for me.  One aspect of the group was that there was this deep question asked every week for us to think about for next time.  The questions always involved confessing our wretchedness to each other.  The questions were also very specific, and weren't really focused on areas where I was personally struggling.   When I would try to either give an answer from my life that sort of related to what they were asking, or just share how God was leading and convicting me, my answers weren't considered good enough.  What I was struggling with or working on in my life didn't meet whatever imaginary criterion the leader was looking for.  When I tried being honest and saying that I wasn't dealing with the issue in the question, I was met with, "Oh, I get it.  You think you're perfect."  That really frustrated me.  I certainly am not perfect.  I simply wasn't struggling where the rest of the group thought I should be.  I have my own walk with the Lord.  He convicts me when I sin, and I try to make it right with Him and anyone else involved as soon as possible.  The reaction from the group I was in almost made me feel as if I needed to go out, commit a sin, not repent of said sin, and then come back next week so I could confess it there.  I know that these ladies love the Lord deeply.  I see the Spirit in their lives.  They are wonderful.  I know they would never want anyone to go out and commit sin!  But I guess where I was at just wasn't where they were.  This group might be really meeting needs for them, but the way I experienced it was very condemning.  I felt like it was trying to force us to be vulnerable with each other, and then when I even tried, I felt rejected when my sins aren't in the same areas they are currently struggling.  That stung.  I then also felt as if it was set up so we would be convicted of all these sins...when in reality, whoever came up with the questions has NO idea what each person is really dealing with or growing in.  Only God can do that.  That dynamic didn't work for me.  We need to try and let the Spirit lead in each of our lives.  

     Additionally, I have had so many times where God used something someone said in my life, and when I later told the person, they were amazed, and said, "I don't even remember saying that!"  I have been in the place of that person too, where someone has told me something I said impacted them, and I didn't even remember.  That shows that God uses it.  It isn't us trying to make an impression or create something.  

4) Only God can heal and restore.  

     There are many other things that only God can do, but I am going to close with these.  God is in control of our lives.  His will ultimately happens.  He can heal us--physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  He has that power.  He uses people (doctors, for example), but He is our healer.  Exodus 15:26 says, I am the Lord that healeth thee.  Sometimes, physical healing is within His will.  Other times, it isn't.  His grace is sufficient.  When believers die, that is really another kind of healing.  If you are a believer, healing and perfection are in your future (Revelation 21:4).  He also heals and restores our lives, relationships and experiences.  

     My husband and I were supporting a very sweet young missionary named Benny.  Benny was in his early 30's, and was so faithful to the Lord.  He struggled with a health issue, but he never let that stop him.  One day, though, he went into the hospital, and God called him home shortly thereafter.  A few weeks beforehand, I was chatting with him online.  I wanted to share something with him that was on my heart, but I got a check in my spirit.  It was as if the Lord was telling me not to say it, so I didn't.  If I had, it would have been totally contradictory to what God was doing in his life, getting ready to bring him home to Heaven.  I truly believed healing was God's will, but I was wrong.  I am very glad I kept that to myself.  Only God knows what He is planning to do.  He did heal Benny.  It just wasn't the way we had hoped.  Benny is in completely perfect health and joy in the Presence of Jesus, and would never wish to be back here.  We grieve the loss of his earthly life and ministry.  We must have God's perspective.  

Benny's missionary prayer card

     I have had experiences where I tried to restore broken relationships.  My intentions were good, but I wasn't being led by the Spirit.  My overtures were met by people who were not at a place where they wanted to receive it.  Sometimes, people are in our past and not our present for a reason.  God is sill at work with them and with us, but maybe not together.  We need to let Him restore and heal things.  

     Since only God can do these things, how are we to move forward?  Galatians 5:25 gives us the answer: Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  If we keep in step with what God is doing, and then we join Him, we will see that we truly can do all things through Christ!  

     What are some other things that only God can do?  Let me know, and maybe I'll write a "PART II" to this!