Reflection

     "Why does this stuff happen to me?" I asked myself as I cried in my car.  "What's wrong with me?  Why does this keep happening?"

     What was I referring to?  In this case, I was referring to the ending of a dating relationship.  I was twenty-three, and the guys I seemed to attract had some scary similarities.  They were all wimps!  They talked about wanting a future, but then didn't follow through.  They would build up to getting serious with me, causing me to really get my hopes up, but then pull back, leaving. me confused.  When I questioned one of them, he denied everything about our relationship had even happened at all.  This left me feeling crazy and confused.  It had just happened again, with a young man I had thought was better than that.  This all really played on my self-esteem.  My husband Walter eventually came along, and had the strength of character to make a stand.  

     This wasn't the only case of me questioning myself in reaction to other people's behavior toward me.  Why did this friendship end?  Why did this boss not like me?  Why didn't this or that situation work out?  What was it about me?  

     And until recently, I would think that way any time an uncomfortable situation happened to me.  So-and-so was rude--what's wrong with me?  So-and-so asked me an inappropriate question--what's wrong with me?  You name it.  Maybe you do this too.  You think that people's words and actions are a reflection of you.  Well, I learned some good news, and I want to share it:  What you do is a reflection of you.  What someone else does is a reflection of them!

     First of all, the experiences I had (in dating, friendships, work, etc.) were not really that unique to me.  Many people face the things I did, so it really wasn't "just me."  I would venture to guess that everyone has had people treat them rudely, leave them out, hurt their feelings, overstep bounds with them.  I imagine almost everyone who has been in the workforce for any length of time has had a boss that didn't really connect with them.  Very few have never been disappointed in love.  The commonality of such things should make us all aware that it isn't "us" as much as part of being human.  Their sin against you didn't happen because of some unseen force of your personality that you're not aware of.  

     Also, those people's actions reflect on that person, not on you.  It is their problem.  Someone of the opposite sex showing an interest, monopolizing your time, making sure they have your attention, alluding to marriage, and then pulling back without explanation and denying everything reflects their own lack of readiness (possibly cowardliness), not something about you.  Someone being harsh or cruel reflects their own brokenness, not yours.  The Bible is very clear that everyone sins (Romans 3:23).  It is also clear that every person is responsible for his or her own sins.  Deuteronomy 24:16 says, ...every man shall be put to death for his own sin.  As Christians, we have taken Jesus' sacrifice for our sins as our means of salvation and forgiveness...but that does not absolve us of responsibility for our wrongdoing.  We will give an account to God for our lives (Romans 14:12).  We are responsible.  When it comes to what people say and do to us, that reveals their heart, not ours (A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil; for of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaketh. -Luke 6:45).  We will not give an account to God for other people's actions.  That's on them.  What they do and say to you comes out of their heart--their beauty or their ugliness.  It isn't your fault.  Unfortunately, their problem can hurt you, but it isn't your sin.  It doesn't reflect on you.  It has taken me a very long time to learn this.  God is with you as you heal from the hurts inflicted by other people's sin (He healeth the brokenhearted, and bindeth up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3). 

     If someone is hurtful, unkind, insincere, or inconsistent with you, that is a reflection on that person, not on you.  Your only possible fault is allowing that in your life.  You show people how they are allowed to treat you by tolerating what they do.  Your toleration is your action (albeit a passive action) and reflects on you.  If someone continues to treat you in a way you don't like, talk to them about it.  If that doesn't work, distance yourself.  Surround yourself with safe people who make you feel good and urge you on in the Lord.  

     Sometimes, things are complicated.  There are intense conflicts with deep feelings on all sides.  Someone pushes another person's buttons, and they react badly.  The same principle applies.  Each is responsible for his or her actions.  The person who pushed is reflecting who they are.  The person who reacts is doing the same.  An example of this is the story of Moses.  The Israelites had tried the patience of both God and Moses.  That reflected on them, and God disciplined them.  But Moses wasn't perfect either. In Numbers 20, he disobeyed God in anger toward the people.  He struck the rock instead of speaking to it.  The people's sin had angered Moses to the point that he chose to sin.  Their sin wasn't on Moses, but his own reaction was.  The result was that Moses didn't get to go into the Promised Land.  His disobedience was a reflection of himself, completely separate from what the Israelites did.  

     There is no one to blame for our own sin.  No one made you do it.  If they are pushing you, triggering you, and brining out the worst in you, that reflects on them, and you are responsible to remove yourself.  What you do always reflects on you.  So here are my questions for you to ponder and pray about:

1) What sins of other people have you agonized over and taken as a reflection of yourself? 

2) What are your current choices, actions, and words reflecting about you?  What would God have you do about it?