Reality Check

      A few months back, I did a post about gaslighting, and how people sometimes invalidate us with this manipulative technique--November 5, 2020 post, entitled (In)Validated.  Sometimes, we can feel invalidated in situations where it might be accidental.  We might even do it to others unintentionally.  As Christians, we want to honor the Lord in the way we treat others, and we also want our sense of reality to conform to the truth (You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32).  Let's look at that.  

     A Christian psychologist I follow, Dr. Allison Cook, has defined gaslighing as (and I quote) "a form of psychological abuse in which your reality or experience is systematically and intentionally invalidated. It’s when a person or group questions your experience or your perception of reality in order to keep their power. In other words, they’re not questioning your experience in order to help you. They are questioning your experience of reality because they want to stay in control or in power over you. Their goal is not to help; it’s to make you feel crazy, weak, or dependent."  Unquote.

     As I had shared in the earlier post on the subject, the term gaslighting came from the 1944 movie Gaslight.  This film is about a man who is trying to make his wife believe she is going insane by bringing her experiences and sense of reality into question.  It is a very intriguing film (and my very favorite actress, Angela Lansbury, played a supporting roll as a teenager).  

     Having someone gaslight you can make you wonder, "Am I crazy, or is everyone else?  Can I trust myself?  What is true?"  It is a terrible way to think and feel, and it isn't God's plan for you. This doesn't mean everything you think and feel is right, or that it should necessarily be validated as being true, but feeling confused and crazy isn't ever God's will.   For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace... (First Corinthians 14:33).  As Christians, we have the Holy Spirit, to guide us into all truth (John 16:13).  The Holy Spirit never makes us feel crazy or stupid.  He lovingly draws us to the Lord.  Sometimes, that means convicting us, but even that leads to joy in the Lord and a closer walk with Him.  Feelings of craziness never come from God.  God loves you and There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear... (First John 4:18).

     It is normal for people to see experiences differently.  We all come into situations with our own views and thoughts already in place, and that colors how we experience things.  We also might focus on different specifics within a situation.  All of that should make allowances for people perceiving things differently.  However, there is a difference between someone simply having a different take on something than you do, and someone trying to totally invalidate you.  

     One time in ministry, my boss and I had spent some time with another Christian.  This man was a pastor, and really knew the Word.  I felt, though, that he was very harsh and put people down.  When I expressed this to my boss after we had met with him, my boss replied, "Hmm. I didn't see him that way. I thought he was very kind."  Was that gaslighting?  Not at all!  We are allowed to have different perspectives.  He wasn't telling me, "No.  You're all wrong.  He wasn't like that.  What's wrong with you?"  He just shared how he had seen the man.  Reasonable people should be able to have these kinds of discussions without it being invalidating.  Come, let us reason together... (Isaiah 1:18).  My boss was very kind and reasonable to me.  In our discussion, he shared that he felt I was possibly reading more into this man than was there, whereas I felt my boss wasn't reading enough in.  Who was right?  It doesn't really matter.  We both left that conversation feeling respected, and had some food for thought to carry into future encounters.  

     Gaslighting is bad enough in normal situations, but when it is spiritualized, it is infinitely worse.  What if someone in your church was acting improperly, and when you went to share your concern with an elder or pastor, and they told you, "You're gossiping about a fellow Christian!" That rebuke could make you so ashamed that you retreat within and question your own sanity, while the improper person continues their violating behavior, unchecked.  Sadly, I have seen things of this nature happen in several church or ministry environments.  One church in my hometown had a rule that their church's laws were above the laws of the land, and that the pastor could never be questioned.  He was eventually arrested for physically abusing church members (having a boy dig his own grave and burying him alive...among many other heinous things).  That church had a police officer and other mandated reporters in its membership, and when this all got out, these people lost their jobs, because they should have been reporting this.  I was never a part of that church, but some people I loved went there for a while.  One of them was also arrested, with the pastor.  It was very difficult.  One man in the church had previously attempted to go to the police, but the pastor had stopped him and shamed him into silence.  That is what spiritualized gaslighting looks like.  Don't get into it!  

     What should you to do combat gaslighting (spiritual and otherwise)?  There are two things.  The first is to be a truth-teller.  Be honest and straightforward.  Make sure you are not the one doing the gaslighting.  If you disagree with someone, be kind, like my boss was when he disagreed with me.  You can disagree with someone without ripping them to shreds.  Also, in speaking truth, you are also on the offensive.  You are refusing to allow people's gaslighting to control you.  You keep stating the truth.  The truth is a powerful weapon.  

     The second thing is to develop what I call a garbage detector.  Allison Cook calls it a BS detector!  Here is what she recommends (I will add my thoughts to hers on a few of these, but you will know where hers end and mine begin.):

1) Listen to your body.  "Your body is wired with a danger mechanism called the fight-flight response." Cook tells us. "It often gets out of balance as a result of trauma. However, its purpose is to help you detect danger. Notice things like a pit in your stomach, a tightness in your chest, or a racing heart. These physical sensations are signs that something has triggered your nervous system. Pay attention and take some deep breaths. Don’t immediately discount those responses. They might be important signals to heed."

2) Develop a healthy relationship with your emotions.  Cook says, "God gave you emotions like anger and fear for a reason. They help alert you to dangers in your environment. As you develop a healthy relationship to these important emotions, you can start to trust yourself with God’s help."  

     I will add to this that, often, we as Christians are cautioned to ignore our emotions.  We are reminded that our hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9).  This is true, but that is in the unregenerate state.  A Christian who is indwelt by the Holy Spirit, in the process of being sanctified, and desiring to please God can learn to trust himself or herself, with God's help.  Emotions are a part of reality, but they are not the lens by which we should determine truth.  It can be a hard balance, but we don't discard how we feel.  As Cook said, they are given to us for a reason.  

3)  Get help from people outside your system.  Cook makes the very valid and helpful point that "When you are swimming in water that’s toxic, so is everyone else in that same pond. Look for a lifeline outside of that water and start letting them know what’s going on in your family, work environment, or faith community."  

     This has been so helpful in my life.  I have had two major invalidating factors in my life.  One was one of my siblings.  I grew up in a strong Christian family.  My parents are wonderful people.  However, one of my siblings is very narcissistic (that's a whole other topic).  My parents are very peace-loving personalities.  They hate fighting of any kind.  If I had a dime for every time I heard my parents arguing when I was growing up...I might have a dime.  I'm not even sure about that!  My parents instilled in me a love for others and very gracious manners, which is truly wonderful.  My sibling, the narcissist, was always trying to control things in our family, and my peace-loving parents allowed it.  It wasn't that extreme until all of us kids were teenagers.  This sibling controlled what TV shows and movies we watched, how everyone felt, how we experienced things.  My parents simply allowed this, not being up for fighting with this sibling's dominant personality.  A lot of times, my good-hearted, guileless parents didn't even grasp what the sibling was doing.  Whatever this sibling said was our reality.  If I laughed at a funny TV program, this sibling might say something like, "You don't get it.  That wasn't supposed to be funny.  You're just not real swift."  I would question myself, and analyze the show, and try to figure out if I had misunderstood it.  If I liked a certain song, the sibling would say, "That's so is so old!  You're really out of style.  No one else likes it."  The idea was to make me feel shame in simply liking a song.  Who cares if it's old or not, or if I'm the only one who liked it?  But that wasn't even always true anyway. This sibling would try to bring my relationships with other people into question as well, casting doubt on my friendships.  It even got to the point, as I got older, that it was starting to affect my dating, and I knew I could no longer handle this intrusion into my life.  Books, movies, magazines, TV shows, or any other thing that I liked was fair game for mockery.  Not just fun teasing, but harassment that made it not even worth it anymore.  I felt like I had to hide everything I was doing.  One time, I called the sibling out on this and said, "You don't get to define my reality," to which my mother said, "Don't you dare talk to your [sibling] like that!" It was easier for my sweet parents (of whom I still think the world) to let this sibling control everything.  It wasn't until I moved out of my parents' home as a college student that I realized the rest of the world didn't operate like this.  I was free to read whatever books I wanted or watch whatever movies I wanted without being mocked and humiliated, or having it supposedly mean something about my phycological state of mind.  This sibling and I have had a very rocky relationship, all because I don't let them control me.  Holidays can be tense.  My parents have even been upset with me at times (as upset as they get, which isn't much compared to most people), for not just getting along and putting up with it, but my sanity is too high a price to pay.   So is yours!  For the record, I love my parents very much, and they honor my boundaries (they honor everyone's!  The last thing on earth they'd do is stop on toes!).  They love and serve the Lord with all their hearts, and are very supportive of my husband and me being in the ministry.  

     The second major invalidation in my life was with a ministry.  A wonderful ministry, actually.  I have shared about this in other posts, but I was treated inappropriately by a young man on a mission trip at age 18.  Not one person I tried going to would acknowledge he was wrong.  Some accused me of gossip.  Some told me I was the one who was being inappropriate to him, and that he was a godly man.  I was deeply ashamed by these accusations.  Other, more benign responses I got were things such as, "Oh, he's like that to everyone."  First of all, this wasn't the case. This guy was very eccentric and had very odd social skills toward everyone, but he wasn't acting towards others as he was to me.  But even if it was true and this man were sexually arousing everyone there, that doesn't make it right!  And even if it was hypothetically 100% unintentional on his part, the fact that one person was being made to stumble should have been reason enough for someone to take me seriously and talk to him.  But no, in any event, it was considered to be 100% my fault, or at least 100% my problem.  I did not receive validation until I sought it from a Christian counselor who had nothing to do with that ministry.  That person was far outside the madness of that mission trip group, and was able to blatantly refer to what I had experienced as sexual assault.  You, too, can go to someone outside the system that is failing you.  If the system is your church, find another Christian from outside that culture.  If it is an organization, find someone on the outside.  Fortunately, the mission trip I went on was part of a good organization, and is not some weird cult.  I simply hadn't gone to the right people for help.  The situation was handled in an unhealthy way back then, but I believe improvements have been made in this overall ministry, and that today, someone making the same complains would be taken seriously.  

4) Test what you are being told against concrete data points.  Cook says, "Get clear about your facts. Write them down and talk them through with a friend. Reality test your perspective against the Scriptures, science, and trusted advisers. Anchor yourself in the truth. For example, if you are feeling queasy with what is being taught in your faith community, ask yourself these questions:

• Is what you are being told practical?
• Does it help you or harm you?
• How would this approach impact the most vulnerable person you can think of?"

     

     Good advice!  Don't let people define your reality.  Let God define it!