Safety in Numbers

      "All the moms are really upset you talked about that last week," Amber (not her real name) told me.  "We don't believe in that.  We all disagree with what you're doing."  

      I felt alarmed, and my chest felt heavy.  I hated to have people upset with me, and was especially alarmed to have offended the mothers of the students I was working with.  "Well then, I'm going to go make it right with each of them.  I'll call them each up and apologize."

     I saw the slightest panic on Amber's face, but she quickly smoothed it away.  "Oh no.  Don't do that.  I talked to them and told them you're just naive and didn't mean it, and I think it's okay."

     I was beyond annoyed with Amber's personal remarks (which were a constant occurrence), but something about her insistence that I shouldn't apologize struck me as odd.  If I had done wrong, why shouldn't I apologize?  She truly didn't want me talking to the other women.  

     I was involved in a community Bible study.  Because the Bible study met from 9am-Noon, most of the women who attended were either senior citizens, or home-school moms.  I was the lone working woman in the group.  I was an employee of the YMCA at the time, and I worked a split shift, which made the Bible study perfect for me, time-wise.  I had been asked to teach the junior highers.  These were all home-schooled children.  I very quickly grew to love my group of young people.  They were bright, kind, and fun-loving.  Most of them had a heart for the Lord, and diving into God's word with them was a joy.  However, one aspect of this ministry was very complicated.

     Amber was the teacher of the elementary class.  She and I had our students together for parts of the day, and then separated for the study time.  Many women I count as dear friends were very close with Amber, and remain so to this day.  By their accounts, Amber is a wonderful person with many good qualities.  However, she and I just didn't connect well at all.  The word "frenemy" could well sum up our relationship in this ministry.  

     The previous week, our study time had gotten off track, and we had wandered into the topic of spiritual warfare.  Everything said was biblical (based on Ephesians 6), but perhaps a little vivid if we'd had younger listeners (which we didn't).  As it was, these kids were all seventh-and-eighth graders.  Amber's group wasn't with us at the time this discussion took place.  I figured my students could handle it.  But I also realized I had gotten off track, and I got us back into the lesson.  Now, a week later, I was being confronted by Amber that I had "traumatized" her daughter (who was in my group).  Amber could have called me any time during the week, but she waited until I was surrounded by others to confront me (which violates Jesus' directions for confrontation in Matthew 18).  

     Having been raised to apologize and ask for forgiveness when I offended someone, I didn't heed Amber's words, and I reached out to the mothers of my students.  Not only were none of them offended with me, but a few were even grateful I had brought up the subject of spiritual warfare.  "They need to know about this!" one mom told me seriously.  None of them had even known we had touched on that subject.  Amber had implied that all the mothers came to her complaining about me, when, in reality, they didn't even know about it!  

     I am certainly not defending the fact that I got off topic in Bible study.  I am not defending the fact that I talked about a subject that was a little scary to one of the students.  I should have been more careful to stay on track.  But I discovered that what I had done wasn't as disastrous as Amber had made it seem.  

     This post isn't about Amber, spiritual warfare, or that situation with the Bible study.  I started with this story to illustrate the idea of people trying to gain power over us by using other people.  Let's isolate some of that for a minute.  Here I had someone dislike something I had said.  She was within her right to disagree with me, and talk to me about it.  If it was that big of a problem for her, she would have called me during the week.  It clearly wasn't important to her.  Instead, she waited all week, then approached me very combatively, and told me how offended they all were with me.  She didn't speak for herself.  She included other people in it, without them really feeling that way at all, or even knowing about what had happened.  She used words like We and They, instead of I and Me.  When I broached the subject of apologizing, she quickly tried to steer me away from that.  Why?  She didn't want me to call her bluff and find out that the other moms weren't mad at me.  She wanted to keep the illusion of power.  She wanted to be the voice of everyone.  

     The truth is, if she had contacted me and shared her concern, from herself, I would have listened.  I would have cared.  I would have apologized, and been more careful in the future.  I care about individuals.  Amber and her daughter were important enough to me without them needing to act as if other people were also offended.  For reasons I can only guess at, Amber chose not to speak for herself, but instead built a fortress around herself, constructed of other people.  My assumption is that this was done out of insecurity on her part.  She gave her point more power, and made me feel outnumbered and condemned.  None of these other people even know that they were being pitted against me.  It made me feel badly at first, until I verified the truth.  

     I got my power back by talking to these other women.  I learned the truth.  As Jesus said, the truth will set you free. (John 8:32).  

     Have you ever had someone do that to you?  Try to make their point stronger by including other people who may or may not have been involved?  How did it make you feel?  I once had a very overpowering boss tell me that everyone else was doing a good job in a particular area, but I wasn't.  It made me feel heartsick, because I was doing the best that I could.  A lot of the results this boss wanted were dependent upon other people besides myself.  Remembering my experience with Amber, I decided to test the boss' line out, and I asked my coworkers if they ever struggled with this particular aspect of our job the way I did.  Every single one of them related to my experience.  They had similar results to mine.  The boss was only using them to make me feel isolated.  For all I know, he could have been telling them I was doing this great job and using me to make them feel insufficient.  I think his idea was to motivate me to do better.  What he actually did was discourage all of us, but we felt better once we talked about it.  

     You've heard the phrase There is safety in numbers, right?  Well, that's the truth.  We need each other, especially when people try to manipulate us like this.  Watch out for people who can't simply speak for themselves, but instead use phrases such as:

     *Everyone says you're...

     *We all think... 

     *I was talking to so-and-so, and we decided you...

     I knew a pastor's wife who literally destroyed her husband's church by doing this.  She would gossip about a church member to another.  The person to whom she was gossiping would listen politely, but uncomfortably, not contributing anything to the conversation.  Then, the pastor's wife would go to the person she had been talking about and say, "So-and-so I and were just talking, and we were saying that you..."  She took delight in complicating relationships between others.  Ultimately, that church closed down because this woman drove everyone off.  This is tragic, and it is evil.  

     Make sure you're not using these phrases either.  Be strong and brave with your words.  Speak the truth boldly and kindly.  Be humble but confident.  You don't need other people to strengthen what you have to say.  It's very important to use I and me, rather than we or they.  God's word urges us toward courage.  Joshua 1:9 not only encourages this kind of confidence, but also gives the reason why we can be brave: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  We are also told biblically to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).  People who have to be misleading by adding other people to what they're saying in order to make you feel isolated are not being loving.  They are furthering their own agenda.  Watch out for that.  It is a form of gaslighting, which I have covered in several different posts in this blog.   

     Individuals are not the only ones who do this.  News media outlets use a false display of people to misrepresent the truth as well.  If what you are hearing doesn't sound right, check it out.  Talk with other people.  That is where social media has made a big difference.  People can speak their mind on things, and it's harder for the news outlets to control the narrative.  This is also why so many people end up in Facebook jail...

     During a particular election, my candidate won.  At the time, I was working for a major university.  The day after the election, all employees got an email from the University President, saying that no one was happy with the election results, and if people were really struggling with their candidate's loss, they could come receive counseling from the university's psychology department.  First of all, people need to grow up.  No one has ever offered me counseling when votes didn't go the way I wanted.  But more to the point, did you catch what they did?  They made the bold statement that no one was happy with the election result.  Obviously this wouldn't be true.  No election has everyone happy, or everyone unhappy.  Some people got what they wanted, and others did not, so saying that is transparently incorrect.  Secondly, though, it also made those who were happy with the outcome feel in the minority, and outnumbered (and if they won the election, they were obviously not in the minority!).  That was a very manipulative way to word that email, and I would have expected much more professionalism (or at least more subtlety) than that!  We need to watch stuff like this.  We should be seeking the truth, and exposing deception wherever we find it.  Second Timothy 2:15 urges us to be ...rightly dividing the word of truth.  

     Every time someone gives you something misleading, whether it is a suspicious news report or a personal confrontation, check it out.  The tendency is to feel sad, and isolate yourself, feeling left out and alone.  Resist that.  Find out the truth.  Go to the people and get the facts.  Align yourself with people who speak the truth.  Remember what Proverbs 11:14 says,  in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.  

     Most of what I am talking about is how to avoid letting liars manipulate you with misleading statements.  However, when we think about the truth, we need to go even deeper.  Jesus Christ is the truth (John 14:6).  His word is truth (John 17:17).  First John 1:6 reminds us how we need to be walking with the Lord if we are going to be people of truth: If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.  The very first step in any situation is to make sure you are right with the Lord, walking with Him.  Then, go to other truth tellers!  After all, the truth will set you free!