Conflicts--Good or Bad?

     "Chapter and verse, please,"  I said simply.  I was a college student, in a Bible study.  A belligerent young man had been coming to the group lately, and had made some very angry, mean-spirited and unbiblical comments against others in the group, and even against God.  No one else in the group was saying anything in response to him, and he was taking this and running with it.  As a Bible-believer, and as someone who cared about the others in the group, I couldn't let this stand, which was why I simply asked for chapter and verse as biblical proof for what he was saying.  

     Everyone in the room gasped that I had challenged this guy.  They had seemingly thought that if they ignored him, it wouldn't be a problem.  Perhaps they thought they could pretend it away.  I don't know.  Some things are worth ignoring.  To me, this was not.  

     Mr. Belligerent sort of stammered.  "Well...uh...it's not one of those things you can find in the Bible."

     "Then it's not one of those things that's true," I said simply.

     "God sometimes lies," he quickly threw out.

     "God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?" I quoted Numbers 23:19.

     Mr. Belligerent's face puckered in annoyance.  "I hate Christians who use the Bible against me."

     "Then stop making heretical statements, and you won't have to worry about it anymore."

     By now, everyone in the group was horrified that I was taking this guy on.  I had hoped they would take courage and also refute these false statements he was making against God, but they were all mad at me!  I was the bad one, because I had argued with him.  I am not going to say that everything I said to this guy was perfect.  Over the course of several weeks, I really lost it with him.  The next week, he made a very mean comment to another student, and I demanded, "Are you incapable of saying anything pleasant?"  I was pretty strong.  But this begs the question, when did this become a conflict?  Did my involvement make it a conflict, or was it already one?  Is conflict always wrong?  

     In Jude verse 3 (Jude only has one chapter), we are told, Beloved, while I was very diligent to write to you concerning our common salvation, I found it necessary to write to you exhorting you to contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints.  There you have it, we are to contend for the faith.  That means fight for the truth of God's word when it is under attack.  In light of that, I do not think I was wrong to refute this young man's incorrect statements.  Furthermore, I believe the conflict began as soon as he started saying wrong things about God and the Bible, not when I challenged him for it.  But what about other kinds of conflicts?  

      I remember growing up, whenever arguments broke out between myself and others, the adults present (whether they were teachers, parents, or someone else in charge) would immediately spring into action to try to put a stop to the fighting.  I remember one wise mentor telling us, "No fighting is allowed here!"  The message given to me was that fighting is always wrong.  But is it?  We have already seen from the book of Jude that conflicts for the sake of truth are God's calling to us, so obviously, not all fighting is a sin.

     Years later, as a young woman, I went on some mission trips with the ministry I ultimately ended up serving with full-time.  At all our trainings, we had it drilled into us again and again, "The number one reason missionaries leave the field early is because of other missionaries!  You must learn to get along!"  The responsibility was placed on us as individuals that the entire mission depended on us, singlehandedly, getting along with the others.  Of course, no one ever told us how to carry out this most vital task of getting along.  It's always hard when someone tells you what to do, but won't tell you how.  

     This negative view of conflict led to a lot of problems.  Sometimes, conflicts happened because someone was being either aggressively controlling (such as Mr. Belligerent I had mentioned at the beginning) or passive-aggressive, and yet the person who addressed this was seen as the bad guy, because they were forcing the issue to be talked about, and become a conflict.  What they didn't realize was that there already was a conflict, but everyone was in denial.  The idea of "to see the problem is to be the problem" became a theme in my young adult days.  One time, a pastor gave a talk to our group about how it's a sin to confront others (which is obviously not true, since Jesus told us how to confront in Matthew 18).  This pastor went on to state that how, if you point out a problem you see, it really means you're the one who started it.  That is the most fallacious thing I had ever heard.  This would mean that, if someone broke into my house and I caught them in the act, called the police, had them arrested, pressed charges against them, and testified against them in court, it really means that I was the one who caused them to break in to begin with.  It makes no sense!  Obviously, pointing out a problem does not mean you caused it!  People who make those claims are trying to protect themselves from ever being confronted or held to account.  That should be a red flag, because we all need to be held accountable.  Speaking out is biblical.  Ezekiel 33:7 tells us, Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the people of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me.  God often leads people to speak up about things that aren't right.  

     What I find interesting is that never once did I hear anything about how God can use conflicts--even between believers--for His glory.  Never once did I hear that God's will can be accomplished through missionaries deciding to leave the field.  It was a given that nothing good came out of failure to get along.  But is that true?  

     First, what is our responsibility in getting along?  Romans 12:18 says, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  The ideal is for us to live at peace with all, but there are some important qualifiers here.  If it is possible.  This recognizes that it isn't always possible.  As far as it depends on you.  This implies that it isn't 100% your responsibility.  You can only do so much.  

     You cannot change or control anyone but yourself, so focus on what you can do.  Work on you.  When there is a conflict, look within.  What is your part?  Do you need to make anything right?  In spite of the other person's part, do you still have any responsibility in it?  Write out an inventory of your problem.  Here is how that works: 

     As pictured below, you'll take a piece of paper and divide it into five columns (you can do your own, or print out something like this picture:

Copyright, Celebrate Recovery inventory form

     The first column is the name of the person you had the conflict with.  The second column is the cause.  That is, what the person did.  This is for your eyes only, so brutally spare no detail of what this person did.  Feel the anger over it.  You need to in order to heal.  The third column is for the effect--that is, the effect of what the person did, and what impact it had on your life.  The fourth is the damage, how their actions damaged you.  The final column is the hardest, but the most necessary.  That is my part. This is where you can look at yourself.  You've already looked at the other person.  You needed to.  But now you need to look at yourself.  Be honest with yourself.  Ask God to help you know the truth about yourself and others.  Psalm 51:6 says, Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.  For a deeper look at conflict resolution with the inventory, see my September 10, 2020 post, In the Presence of my Enemies.  

                                                  

      Maybe you will discover that you are largely the one at fault.  Maybe you will discover that you were only very minimally at fault.  Perhaps it's 50/50.  But you are only responsible for your part.  In most cases, you need to make your part right.  Make amends.  There are exceptions, such as if your amends would harm the other person, yourself, or someone else.  

     When you make amends, you are only apologizing for your part.  Do not take on responsibility for their part, and do not put your part on them.  Don't say, "I wouldn't have done such and such if you hadn't XYZ."  Simply make your part right.  The other person may or may not make amends for their part, but at least you will have done the right thing.  The person may or many not accept your amends, but again, this isn't on you.  You are not responsible for them.  On the other hand, if the person really does want to have a heart to heart about it, and you both want to peaceably discuss the different impetuses of your conflicts, that is fine, but don't go into it expecting that.  If you work things out (or even if you don't) dealing with a conflict can be a growing experience for everyone involved.  The growth in your own life is a positive side of conflict.  Even as children, conflicting with others is how we learn and grow.  Don't completely discount the value of conflicts.  

     Sometimes, it is for the best that you move on from a situation when there is conflict.  If your best efforts aren't enough in keeping the peace with someone, God might be leading you onward to the next place He has for you.  It isn't necessarily bad.  Paul and Barnabas parted company because they had a "sharp disagreement" (Acts 15:39).  What was the result?  The gospel spread further than it would have!  Conflicts are not necessarily failures.  

     I am almost done reading the book Becoming Elisabeth Elliot, by Ellen Vaughn.  This masterfully-written biography about one of the 20th century's most influential Christian women has been eye-opening to me.  I have felt incredibly validated by some of the missionary struggles Elisabeth Elliot faced, aspects I had never heard before (and I had heard her story all my life).  The sanitized version of the story that I grew up with was: Elisabeth Elliot lovingly went to witness to the tribe that murdered her husband, and ended up seeing them come to Christ!  Understandably, that angle to the story is very inspiring and encouraging.  And it is the truth.  But there was so much more to it.  Elisabeth went to reach the tribe with another missionary woman, Rachel Saint.  Rachel's brother, Nate Saint, had been speared to death along with Elisabeth's husband Jim (and three other missionaries) trying to reach this tribe with the gospel.  Elisabeth and Rachel were united in their desire to see these people come to salvation.  Unfortunately, they were not united in anything else, and they were ultimately unable to work together in the long term.   In fact, I was unable to find any pictures of the two of them working together, which is why their pictures from that era are separate (even though they were working together at the time).  

Rachel Saint

. 

Elisabeth Elliot, her young daughter Valerie, and a local young woman.

     As I read about the conflicts between these two faithful servants, it was easy for me to take sides, since these conflicts were so similar to conflicts I have had with fellow missionaries.  Even the way their mission agency tried to facilitate a resolution reminded me of some of the lame attempts I have seen in different ministry situations.  And yet, we must consider that both of these women faithfully served the Lord for the rest of their lives, following the conflict.  Elisabeth Elliot decided that, after a time, she needed to leave their work.  Frustrated by the failure of her working relationship with Rachel, Elisabeth recognized that the ministry itself wasn't a failure.  She wrote: I find that faith is more vigorously exercised when I can find no satisfying explanation for the way God does things.  I have to hope, without any evidence seen, that things will come out right in the end--not merely that we shall receive compensation, but that we and all creation will be redeemed.  This means infinitely more than the good will eventually outweigh the evil.  

     Steve Saint, Rachel's nephew, who also maintained a close relationship with Elisabeth (whom he called "Aunt Betty") said: "I know both women were hurt by the other's lack of acceptance.  But God works through hurt."

     Yes, God surely works through hurt.  I think in all the trying to drill into people how wrong fighting is, we need to recognize the good that can be accomplished through it.  Conflicts, even irreconcilable conflicts, are not necessarily failures.  Moving on isn't a failure.  Fighting to contend for the faith surely isn't a failure.  All the ministry we do, in the midst of conflict, is still effective: forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.  (First Corinthians 15:58).  

     Conflicts, especially between Christians, are difficult.  But they are not a sign that you are a failure.  They are not the end.  There is life after conflict.  We have that resurrection power in our lives (Romans 8:11).  If we believe in eternal life, surely we can believe there is victory in the face of conflicts.  I will close with the words of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians: But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  (First Corinthians 15:57).

Relationships 101

      Life can throw a lot of things at us.  There are difficulties that come with living on this planet.  Decisions need to be made as we navigate life.  Do I take this job?  Do I move here or there?  What is God leading me to do?  There are big decisions (What should I major in at college? What job should I take?), as well as the choices to be made in the intricate details of life (what should I say to this friend in this situation?). I believe God cares about all of it, and wants us to seek Him, then obey what He has led us to do.  On the other hand, I don't believe He wants us to miserably agonize and struggle.  After all, God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (First John 3:20).  

     One of the hardest areas of life for many to navigate is the area of love/dating/marriage/singleness issues.  There are whole genres of books and conferences devoted to it, and now, with all the dating businesses out there, it is an industry!  Christians, as well as non-Christians, are cashing in on this part of people's lives.  This was a difficult part of my own life when I was single--not because of the man I ultimately ended up marrying (meeting Walter and having that relationship progress to marriage was a piece of cake compared to the whole process that came before).  There were so many messages being thrown at me.  

     People gave so much advice.  It's always easier to give advice than it is to carry it out.  For example, it was easy for a well-meaning older woman I know to tell me, "You need to invite all the Christian singles you know over for just a fun get-together in your home and just see who ends up connecting and forming relationships."  In theory, that's a great idea.  But realistically, carrying that out isn't as simple as just saying it.  I didn't have that many friends who would have been into that.  That's just one example of some well-meant advice that didn't really fit into what God was doing in my life.  

     Today, I was in the Christian bookstore, and I happened to see the book Boy Meets Girl, say hello to courtship, by Joshua Harris.  This is the sequel to his famous (or infamous) bestseller I kissed Dating Goodbye.  All of Joshua Harris' books have been out of print since 2019, so this copy must have been sitting on the shelf at the bookstore for years.  

     This book, as well as the one preceding it, had a huge impact on my generation of Christian young people's dating habits.  Seeing it in the store today put me in the mind of other such books (which are still in print) such as Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot, and When God Writes Your Love Story, by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  Both of those books were also in the bookstore today, and I picked them up and thumbed through them, letting the memories of yesteryear--some from another century--come back to me, reminding me of my life as a young, confused single woman, wanting to do God's will.  In light of all the confusing messages out there, I sometimes feel it is a miracle I'm married.  Some of my married friends expressed similar sentiments, while others are single, still navigating all of this.  I'm going to interact a little bit with the messages of these books, and also answer the questions: What is a woman's place in romantic relationships?  What is a man's?  What is God's responsibility?  What is ours? 

     I was sixteen when I Kissed Dating Goodbye was published.  It took the world by storm.  Friends of mine thought it was very profound.  The book opened with an imaginary scenario:  A bride at the altar on her wedding day.  Suddenly, several other girls come up and stand beside her groom.  He tells his bewildered bride, "These are all girls I dated before I met you.  I gave each one a piece of my heart."  Crying, the bride says, "I thought your heart was mine!"  to which the groom replies,  "You can have everything that is left!"  What a powerful--and so very wrong--message!  

     What this communicated to me at the time was, "You have once chance to date the right guy, and if you blow it and go out with someone who doesn't end up being your husband, you've already cheated on your real husband in advance, and you'll never have your whole heart to give to him when you finally do marry."  This is so contrary to the message of redemption taught throughout scripture!  This assumes that we have a finite amount of love to give away (which is untrue) and also, that we will never be able to get over past relationships and move on with our lives (also untrue!).  This scenario made it seem like anyone who had ever gone out with a person they didn't end up marrying was damaged goods.  That is so ridiculous!  Our God is a God of forgiveness, grace, renewal and healing.  Nowhere in scripture are we told that we can damage our lives beyond His redemption--and yet this book made it seem like we could, simply by liking and going out with someone we didn't ultimately end up with.  Dating the wrong one became the new unpardonable sin.  

     The idea of "giving pieces of your heart away" was further popularized much later by Josh Duggar (who is now also infamous), the oldest son of the well-known Arkansas family who have 19 children, and formerly espoused their Conservative values on their own reality TV show.  Josh Duggar (age 20 at the time, who admittedly had very little experience in relationships then) stated very boldly on TV that when you date, you're giving pieces of your heart away, and will have nothing left to give your spouse.  He, his parents, and his future in-laws said that dating prepares you for divorce, while courtship prepares you for marriage.  Josh went on to praise his own courtship with his future-wife Anna.  No one in this episode of their show proved satisfactorily how their brand of courtship is actually superior, or how it prevents giving your heart away.  Now, in April of 2022, Josh is in jail, awaiting prison sentence, for child porn charges, and also having been unfaithful to his wife.  In spite of his big talk about courtship, he failed miserably where it really counted.  That isn't my point here, though it does give pause to think.  

Anna and Josh, before his scandals came out

     I did agree with the basic premise of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in that it is silly to get into a serious relationship when you were still young and didn't know the direction your life was headed.  To me, that's common sense.  Getting too emotionally involved at the wrong time can make it so much harder to discern other things God may be leading you to do during a very critical time in life.  Even so, though, I don't think we can make a hard, fast rule about it.  God leads everyone's life differently.  Within biblical Christianity, there is room for the Holy Spirit to direct our lives and stories differently.  Some people marry their high school sweetheart.  Others marry later.  Some do not marry.  All of these people can be in God's will and leading.  Making some arbitrary rule about dating may work for how God is leading some people's lives, but may not fit everyone.  John 10:27 says, My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I think instead of focusing on specific rules about dating, we should focus on hearing God's voice and obeying what He has led us to do.  We start by obeying what we are all commanded in scripture, and then being sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is specifically leading us to do.  

     The summer I was fourteen, going into high school, I worked in Vacation Bible School at church.  My youth group boyfriend worked in the same class as me.  We had liked each other all through junior high, and always hung out together.  He had told me I was beautiful, and of course, that had made me melt.  There was no serious relationship between us, just kids liking each other, but I went into that time at VBS hoping that after we served that week, we might get more serious in our relationship.  Instead, I went out of that week of serving the Lord knowing this guy wasn't the one for me, and knowing that I didn't want to date or get serious with a boyfriend until I was eighteen and out of high school.  God did so much in and through me that week in VBS, and this guy was just along for the ride.  I knew I could only be with a man who cared as much about serving God as I did.  To be honest, I was kind of infatuated with the Apostle Paul at the time, and a guy would have had to be pretty spiritual for me to have even noticed him after that week in VBS.  I wanted to spend my high school years becoming the person I was meant to be, seeing where God was leading me, without the pressure of a boyfriend.  I reasoned that by the time I was out of high school, I would have a better idea of where my life was going, and would be ready to get serious with a guy who was going that direction as well.  I think that was one of the wisest decisions I ever made.  God led me to make it.  He might not lead everyone to do that, so I would never write a book claiming that everyone needs to do what I did.  I can only speak for myself and how God led my life.  Life is about a relationship with God, not about checking off all the boxes of doing everything "right" by manmade standards.  

     Needless to say, I didn't 100% buy into Joshua Harris' message in his first book.  I thought it had a few good points, but also had some holes in it.  It never gave the idea of when it was finally okay to start dating.  Other people I knew made a whole doctrine out of it, as if this were a new book of the Bible or something.  That kind of scared me.  Those who espoused it the most seemed to be leaders who wanted to control or belittle young people's lives.  Many people used this book, and the larger purity culture, to deify men and demonize women.  In many instances, I saw the mentality that men could do no wrong, and women could do no right.  I am not a feminist, and I am not always looking for imaginary examples of women being shorted.  I really did see this.  In fairness, my husband saw the opposite.  Women in his Bible college were seen as the fairer sex, and could get away with being manipulative, but men who did anything a woman didn't like were suddenly labeled as a predator.    

     Joshua Harris' second, already-mentioned book, Boy Meets Girl, say hello to courtship, came out a few years later.  I was a young adult by then, and was interested to see what he had to say, so I read it.  It was okay, but it was really just his story about how he met his wife.  There was an underlying attitude of, "This is what we did, so this is what you ought to do."  That was very frustrating.  People are so multifaceted and dynamic.  No two people have the exact same story.  No two people would respond the exact same way in a given situation.  God doesn't direct any two people the same way.  There isn't a one-size fits all way to do relationships.  That is the fallacy behind these books.  

     After my own trial and error in dating as a young woman, I turned to the book Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot.  Unlike Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot is not from my generation.  She was older and wiser, with a lifetime of wisdom, and more experience than she ever bargained for (she had been widowed twice and was on her third marriage at the time of the book's publication--a marriage that would last until her death in 2015).  I had been told the story of Elisabeth's first husband, Jim Elliot, my entire life.  Jim was martyred for the Gospel, and as his widow, Elisabeth stayed and continued to reach his killers for Christ, eventually seeing them saved.  Their inspiring story has rightfully been given a place of honor in modern Christianity.  My own mother was saved in the late 50's as a result of this happening.  Personally, I have used Jim and Elisabeth's story in ministry, and seen many come to Christ as a result.  I know that Jim and Elisabeth Elliot are rejoicing in Heaven for how God has used them and their story.  However, they were still humans.  Just because they were faithful to the Lord doesn't mean their story is my story.  I'm called to be like Jesus, not them (I'm sure they would have wholeheartedly agreed with that, even before going to Heaven and becoming perfect in Christ).  

Elisabeth and Jim Elliot

     Like Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot shared her romance as a sort of pattern.  At the time I read it (at age 20), I really struggled.  I wanted to love that book.  I really did.  I admired the Elliots so much, but really struggled with some of the claims made in the book.  While Passion and Purity didn't claim that going on a date was equal to cheating on your yet-unknown spouse, and it wasn't as all-or-nothing as Joshua Harris' writings, I struggled with some of the statements in it, and I feel that these statements are still believed by many.  Upon opening the book today at the bookstore, I was reminded of my impressions from the past.  

     The idea was that men always have to initiate.  Okay, I can agree with that as a general idea.  But to what extent does that work?  Elisabeth Elliot seemed to be stating that women were to always be completely passive, and only respond when a man was completely straightforward with her.  In other words, if a man is monopolizing a woman's time, showing a strong interest, and leading a woman to believe there could be a future, the woman still can't respond to that unless he has "officially" stated what the relationship is.  Elisabeth gave several examples of women making fools of themselves pursuing men who had given them no encouragement at all.  I agree that these women jumped the gun, but felt really sorry for them.  Elisabeth went on to share about women who felt misled by men who had actually showed an interest, then dropped the ball.  That is something I'm very familiar with.  In one instance Elisabeth shared about, the man was pursuing the woman, taking her out on dates a few evenings a week, spending time with her, and then suddenly just started ignoring her with no explanation at all.  I've been there myself.  I feel for the woman.  Elisabeth Elliot, instead, sympathized with the men in these situations.  She took the position that, unless it is 100% official, women have no business questioning men who give them signals.  It appeared that total passivity was called for.  She even felt that women who expected men to follow through were being unrealistic and unfair to men.  Women were only encouraged to be honest with men when men were completely forward and laid all their cards on the table.  

     I can understand cautioning women from jumping the gun, and encouraging them to let the men initiate.  I am not against that.  The first examples she gave were of women who totally threw themselves at men who had given them no reason to even assume they were interested.  But what about these other noted situations where something had been said or done?  Some men have been very passive-aggressive, and that was my experience before I met my husband.  What was I supposed to say or do?  Just pretend it wasn't happening because the man hadn't properly stated his intentions?  If a man doesn't give a woman something proper to respond to, she just has to guess, and it's easy to guess wrongly.  Sometimes, these men are stumbling blocks to women.  That wasn't addressed in the book.  

      After reading Passion and Purity as a young woman, I felt very foolish about some things I realize I had no reason to be ashamed of.  After that point, when a man showed an interest without stating it, I would respond the best I could, but felt very lost if he wasn't as forward as Jim Elliot had been with Elisabeth (and let's face it, there was only room on earth, or in history, for one Jim Elliot!).  I think there is wisdom in moving away from seeming relationships that are not being defined.  If a man isn't declaring himself, it might be a good idea to just move away from him.  You need to take care of yourself, and these kinds of passive-aggressive relationships are so hard on us.  It is my belief that men who perpetuate these relationships need to be brought to account, and I personally see nothing wrong with a woman asking for clarification.  

     If you are a passive person, maybe what was being encouraged in Passion and Purity or these other books would work for you.  But if you are not, it might feel like forcing yourself to become this person that isn't really you.  I don't think God calls any of us to do that.  My husband has said that if I was totally passive, he would have been discouraged and thought I didn't like him, and might have stopped pursuing.  He did initiate our relationship, but I gave responses to the initial feelers he put out.  At our first meeting, when we really hit it off, I silently begged God to have his man ask to keep in touch with me.  By the end of the conversation, Walter had asked about contact info, and I gave him my phone number.  He called me three days later.  It was hard wait, but worth it!  As he asked me out, and we continued seeing each other, I did ask him what our relationship was, and he made that decision to ask me to be his girlfriend.  As we moved on, he began talking about marriage, and even planning a wedding.  I finally asked. him, "Are we officially engaged, then?" to which he proposed.  We went to Kmart, and he got me an inexpensive place holder ring to wear to work the next day, just so I would look engaged!  He later got me a ring from a jeweler.  I did not demand this out of him at all, nor did I even question the commitment in a vacuum.  All of this was his initiative, and I asked questions.  The relationship wasn't just him.  It was us.  I think we acted our part in this story, as God intended.  Someone else's story would be very different, because no one else is us.  

     Dr. James Dobson had written a book years ago entitled Life on the Edge.   I wish I still had a copy of this book and could quote him directly, but he gave some advice that I think was wise, and kind of went along with what Elisabeth Elliot says, only not so extreme.  He talked about, if you are rejected in a relationship (dating, friendship, whatever) the natural inclination is to move forward toward that person, and to keep trying to pursue that relationship.  However, Dr. Dobson advocated for pulling away.  That is showing yourself respect, and also possibly giving the other person a chance to realize that you are gone, and possibly miss you and want you back.  Even if they do not want you back, you are showing yourself respect by doing this.  I have applied this principle to my life several times, and I think I spared myself some heartache from men who weren't intended to be my husband.  I can understand this.  I just don't believe in 100% passivity.  Relationships between two uniquely-designed humans are too dynamic to put in a box, saying that women have to do XYZ in order to be godly or proper.  

     My problem with books like Passion and Purity and Boy Meets Girl are that they are man-made formula based on relationships of fallible human beings.  What worked for one person might not work for someone else (no man who liked me was ever anything like Jim Elliot, so I was never pursued in the manner in which Elisabeth Elliot was!  And I'm not sure I'd want to be!).  Joshua Harris' marriage eventually ended in divorce, so what does that prove?  There is no one right way to do relationships.  We have the Holy Spirit, and some biblical guiding principles.  The message of the Bible is that God wants us to walk with Him, and He will direct us.  

     Psalm 32:8 says, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with my loving eye on you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  I remember one particular day during my single years, I was very frustrated.  I was getting so much advice, and I knew in my heart that God wasn't behind that advice.  I felt like I must have it all wrong.  Were all these purity books right after all?  Was I supposed to be doing something vastly different?  Just then, in the midst of all of that frustration, I was hit with Micah 6:8, He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?  Instead of stressing, or feeling ashamed, God wanted me to do what was good--be just and merciful with others, and walk humbly with God.  That was it.  He would do the rest.  This goes along with my husband's life verrse, Matthew 6:33, which says to Seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.  That gave me so much freedom.  God is much more gracious than fellow humans are.  

     I would challenge everyone to surrender to the Lordship of Christ, and let Him direct and guide you.  Not only does this apply to our salvation, the most important thing, but to every other area in our lives as well. As Romans 8:32 says, He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  

Hope Deferred

      Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.  (Proverbs 13:12).   Have you ever had a hope deferred?  Something you longed for, but it didn't happen for you?  I would guess all of us have had that, in big and small ways.  

     I have a funny story that illustrates a small version of this reality.  I am from the western United States, where we have the Carl's Jr. fast food restaurants.  Once you get far enough east, the franchise's name is Hardee's.  I don't know the whole history, but I think Hardee's has only had the same logo as Carl's Jr. (the star) for a little while, whereas Carl's Jr. always had the star, and bought Hardee's in the late 90's.  

     The two restaurants are very similar, and have almost the same menu, but there are a few differences.  I grew up with Carl's Jr, but now live in Hardee's territory.  Carl's Jr. has my favorite sandwich in the world, the Santa Fe Chicken.  Hardee's doesn't have it.  Whenever we travel west, I have to get a Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich from Carl's Jr (usually in Colorado en route to my parents in Idaho).  

     Recently, we were driving back to Arkansas from California.  I was very tired.  I hadn't slept well in our hotel in Winslow, Arizona the night before.  I desperately needed a bubble bath (my favorite way to unwind), some time with a good book, and a very full night's sleep.  Now we were in the middle of New Mexico.  All I could think about was a Santa Fe Chicken sandwich.  Excitedly, we pulled over at a Carl's Jr.  We stood in a long line.  My stomach was growling, and the good smell of charbroiled burgers was tantalizing my senses.  

     

     "What can I get started for you?" the teenage employee behind the counter asked. 

     "A Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich, please," I said.

     "Oh, our chicken all went bad today, and we don't have more yet.  I'm sorry.  Can I get you a burger?"

     Even though this was such a trivial thing, I literally felt like I was going to cry!  I so rarely get the chance to go to Carl's Jr and have my favorite sandwich on earth, and now I was here, they didn't have it?  I felt cheated!  Why get a burger from them if I could get the same one from Hardee's when I got home?  As politely as I could (and trying very hard to stay calm), I just said, "I think I'll skip lunch," and got out of line.  My husband ordered a meal, and we were on the road again (I didn't eat until that night, when we went to a restaurant in Amarillo, Texas).  

Janelle and Walter, enjoying a nice dinner in Amarillo, TX

     A sandwich is such a small and silly thing to put our hope in, but I really had in that instance.  I was tired and emotional from all the travel.  I felt vulnerable, odd as that seems now.  I had several other needs at the moment, which intensified things.  Carl's Jr. not being able to give me my favorite sandwich felt like a major blow.  I had to pull myself together, readjust my thinking, and decide what I would do moving forward (I decided to avoid eating until dinner, when I could have a really good meal).  Even though that is a funny example, it gives an idea of having your hope deferred.  Something you had been anticipating, hoping for, waiting for, suddenly snatched from you.  

     Oftentimes, hopes deferred are a bigger deal than a sandwich.  God recognizes that.  That's why His word contains the verse I stared with, Proverbs 13:12.  This verse acknowledges how heartsick a deferred hope can make you.  David wrote in Psalm 119:116, Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.  I like the way the King James version finishes that verse: let me not be ashamed of my hope.  Sometimes, when my deepest heart's desires haven't happened when I wanted them to, I felt a sense of shame for even wanting it.  It's a terrible feeling.  Have you ever felt that way?  What are some hopes deferred that you have experienced?  

     Not everyone has the same types of hopes that end up being deferred.  I have known friends who were unemployed, and tried for weeks and months to find a new job, and had to settle for a job that wasn't their ideal.  While not every job I have had has been my dream job, I have had no breaks in employment since I entered the workforce at age 17.  I have been especially blessed job-wise.  As of this point in my life, I have never had a long or difficult job hunt, nor have I had to work outside my field.  With one exception, every job I have had has brought me satisfaction and joy.  That's an area I've been extremely blessed in.  But dear friends of mine have struggled with this.  Joseph did as well, in the book of Genesis.  He had a deep dream in his heart for his future, that turned out to be God-given.  On his way to that, though, he had to endure persecution, slavery, imprisonment, being forgotten, unappreciated, and finally exalted.  God ended up using him to save the world from a famine, including his family.  He knew the pain of hope deferred.  I have not experienced that career-wise, but I have had my own deferred dreams.  

     The two biggest hopes deferred I have had have been marriage and children.  I married at age 33, which isn't even particularly old for my generation, but it was a difficult wait.  I had teasers put in front of me over the years, and that hurt.  I think young men sometimes have no idea the hopes they are arousing when they talk to women about marriage or a future, and then disappear (I think the younger crowd calls this "ghosting" but we didn't have a word for it in my day as a young adult).  These men are in the moment, feeling attracted to the women, and thinking through the possibilities, but they don't really mean what they're saying.  To them, maybe it's no big deal, but it breaks women's hearts.  I'm sure women do this to men as well, and it is equally wrong.  I just have experiences as a woman getting it from men who didn't follow through.    

     As a college student, I had a heartbreak from a man I thought I would marry.  We had served the Lord together, and shared some spiritual highs.  There was an attraction, and we were both hormonally charged.  He talked about me as his future wife many, many times.  He talked about where we would go on our honeymoon, and how we would be in ministry together, and how we would raise our kids.  I cannot tell you what that did to me.  I loved him and wanted to marry him.  But when he didn't really make practical plans for our future, I asked his actual plans and intentions.  I was terrified to do that, but I had to know, before I wasted more time.  His response to this was to deny everything that had happened between us.  Talk about hope deferred.  It broke my heart, and my spirit.  It damaged my psyche, and made me question reality.  No one understood.  I felt isolated.  I had to move forward in my life, alone.  Satan used this as a stronghold to attack my ministry at that time.  It was one of the darkest times in my life, but also a time with many victories.  I grew so much in the Lord, because He was the only One I could turn to.  Without this experience, I am sure I would have still wanted marriage, but this experience seared that desire deep into my soul, and I had to wait thirteen years for it to be fulfilled.  All I can say about that is God's grace is sufficient.  Going through life for thirteen years with burning passions is hard (but very possible with God's help)!  

     A couple of years after this experience,  while still in my early 20's, I met another man at a young adult Bible study.  There was an obvious interest right away.  He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes got wide, and his mouth dropped open upon seeing me.  I do not think for a second that I'm so striking he had to do that.  He wanted me to notice that he noticed.  As soon as our eyes met, he grinned and introduced himself, adding, "I know I haven't seen you here before..."  We hit it off right away.  I was just starting to want to date again, and I wondered if this guy could be "the one."  In fairness, this second young man didn't use words to arouse me.  He wasn't over-the-top.  He never brought up marriage.  He asked me out, but did it in awkward ways, where he wasn't totally committed.  He was very sweet, and I enjoyed spending time with him.  Our relationship was never "official" (in fact, he too later denied there had been anything there--in a total panic), but we went out a few times, called each other some, and hung around exclusively at our Bible's study's functions.  It was obvious enough that others noticed our relationship.  After I grew tired of waiting for him to commit, I decided to pull away.  He didn't try to pursue me (which gave me my answer about how serious he was about me), but whenever our paths crossed around town, he would stare at me, and make very awkward scenes to get my attention (such as tripping dramatically right in front of me), but then barely speaking to me.  I was left so confused and disappointed.  After one such encounter with him, I was very drained.  I had had to act normal at a ministry event, and it was so hard with him trying to get my attention the whole time, but then acting scared when I gave it to him.  I went home, crying by myself, and the Lord brought this verse to me: Exodus 1:21, And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own.  The context was about the midwives in Egypt who refused to kill the baby boys, but in that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart.  Like those women in Exodus, I feared God, and He had plans for me.  

     
     One particular day toward the end of my relationship with this second guy, we were on a retreat with our Bible study.  When I would later learn was that the retreat center was at a Christian camp where my future husband Walter had grown up attending.  It was a very significant place in his relationship with God.  All through the retreat, this guy was acting totally obsessed with me, and touching my heart, but at the same time, I could tell he wasn't going to be an adult about it and really pursue me realistically.  I went off by myself, and cried out to God, asking if these games were all I would ever experience from men.  In the quiet of my heart, God spoke unmistakably to me, What I have in store for you is better than what you've experienced so far.  I knew He was speaking of my future husband--and I was astonished to later learn of this place's importance to Walter!  Only God could have planned that.  

     Those two men in my early adulthood were the biggies, but there were other guys who showed an interest, and raised that hope a little over the years.  One of them was a guy at my church whose mother was the dearest woman.  She and I did children's ministry together, and she desperately wanted me to marry her son.  She thought I could straighten him out and make him into the godly man he ought to be.  That could never have been God's will for me, but it played with my heart a little, especially when this guy and I did have a chemistry, and he did pursue me.  There was another situation that arose that would have been totally inappropriate to pursue, but still got to me, flattered me, and aroused that longing.  Random guys I would meet would ask me out, such as coming out of the library one day.  A year before I met Walter, I met a very nice Christian man while doing a ministry, and he showed an interest, and even got my contact info.  My hope was stirred...only to be deferred again.  He never called or pursued.  I had no idea I would meet my husband so shortly after this, and I struggled a lot.  One friend, who had had a very easy time in her dating life (much like I have had in my career life) made some judgmental statements about this to me, and it made me really stumble inside.  

     I have friends who are still waiting on this situation of marriage.  It's a hard place to be.  It can be a beautiful opportunity of trusting the Lord in His perfect will, but it can be frustrating too.  Sometimes, it seems like there are answers for everyone but you.  A scripture that I clung to back then was Second Corinthians 4:8-9 out of the Living Bible: We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.  It was a battle.  A time of clinging to God's word and trusting Him to fulfill me.  But I never stopped wanting marriage.  I never stopped desiring that.  Some bad advice people gave me at the time included things like, "As soon as you stop wanting it, God will give it to you."  and "As soon as you give it over to the Lord, He'll work it out for you."  God is already working this out for us.  And I had given it to Him.  In fact, I had to do it daily.  We all have to do that.  Luke 9:23 says that we need to take up our cross daily.  Surrender in this area of life, or any other, is a daily choice, not a one-time moment.   I knew certain things were a stumbling block to me, and I had to be careful.  Song of Solomon 8:4 reminds us not to awaken love until the right time.  There were other things that I felt God gave me, to keep me going, believing and hoping for what He had placed in my heart.  

     My love story with Walter was beyond my wildest dreams.  Unlike the awkward, fearful, passive-aggressive, slightly effeminate guys who liked me before, Walter was everything I needed and dreamed of.  He was brave, and true.  He pursued me the way I always knew I needed.  There were no games.  No passive-aggression.  No confusion.  He was the one God had for me, the one He kept me waiting for.  Walter is a man of courage.  A man of his word.  

Janelle and Walter's wedding 2015

     During my single years, I did some evangelism workshops at Christian conferences.  At one such conference, a keynote speaker made a very offensive and hurtful statement from the podium.  He said that all of us in that room were either a kid living at home with our parents, or we were married and had our own kids, so obviously, we all related to whatever his next point was.  What?  Had this man never met a single adult who owned a house away from their parents?  Had this man never met an infertile couple?  I felt as if he were saying I didn't exist or matter.  Stuff like that was so hurtful.  

     I know my time of waiting was much shorter than some of my friends'.  But it was longer than others, and I think my experiences in waiting are worth sharing.  

     After Walter and I married, I had a new kind of hope deferred.  A wait for children.  As of now, we have been married seven years (if you're doing the math, we're forty as of 2022).  While friends were having babies all over the place (a friend of mine who is younger than me is already a grandmother in her late 30's), we continued waiting, month after month.  There were months I believed I was pregnant, only to be disappointed.  Mother's Day is murder for me.  Stupid Facebook posts that ask "How old were you when you became a mother" totally annoy me.  Baby dedications at church are hard to endure.  

     The thing is, this waiting didn't just start the day I got married.  It stared when I was a young girl.  In my heat of hearts, I began planning for motherhood while I was a young adolescent.  I came up with names for boys and girls, and even talked to them when I was alone, imagining all the things I would teach them and do with them.  These hopes came from a very deep and tender part of my spirit.  There have been times I felt forgotten by God (even though I theologically knew I wasn't).  I felt like I was getting God's second-best, and that maybe He didn't like me as much as these other people.  Again, I know this isn't true, but it felt that way sometimes.  Even though I know salvation isn't works-based, I began to live as if God's blessings were, and I thought that if I did more good deeds than bad, God would reward me with children.  I wondered if I had sinned to make me infertile.  My husband had to remind me of John 9:3, what Jesus said about the man born blind: Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.  

     The biggest question I wrestled with was, why did God allow people to conceive when He knew they would get an abortion, but He didn't let us?  So many unanswered questions in this life, that can only be explained by God's Sovereignty.  We must believe He is good, even when our emotions try to tell us otherwise.  

     Last summer, God opened the door for Walter and me to begin the process of adoption through the Cherokee Nation.  We meet two important stipulations that allow us to adopt through them:  One spouse (in our case, Walter) is a Tribal member, and we live in one of the two states they will work with.  We feel we are uniquely suited to this calling, and that God has opened this door for us.  We have had a long year of paperwork (hundreds of pages) meetings, trainings, having things notarized by different agencies, and waiting.  Lots of waiting.  Just yesterday, we received the letter that we are certified!  We are now ready to receive a placement--a child or sibling set who will become a permanent part of the Stoermer family.  I feel like I got a positive pregnancy test at long last--except we don't have a neat, orderly 9 month timetable.  It might be next month, or it might be a year from now.  Please pray for God's leading and provision for our family.  I now feel like I am getting God's very best for me.  I can see ways God has been preparing me for this my entire life.  Everyone's story is different, and this is ours--Walter's and mine.  In my joyful marriage, and in my excitement about this adoption (even though we don't know how it will all go at this point), I never forget the loneliness of waiting, of hope deferred in these areas.  

     People can be very insensitive and even cruel toward those who are walking around with deferred hopes.  Just because something came easily for them, they might get judgmental, and think it should come easily for you.  I remember, during my 13-year wait for marriage, a well-meaning woman snapped at me one day, "When I was your age, I was already married with three kids!"  How was that supposed to help me?  I wanted to be married with three kids!  I really did.  You can't just single-handedly make it happen.  She was reprimanding me for not having something that I desperately wanted.  That would be the equivalent of me harping at an unemployed person, "Get a job!  I have one!  You can get one!  It shouldn't be this hard for you!"  That is so cruel.  God has different plans for everyone.  No one should use their life story as a pattern for others to follow.  The Bible is our guide, in the power of the Holy Spirit.  If someone has a good job, it's a gift from God.  If someone has a spouse and kids, those are gifts from God.  We can't take credit for His gifts to us.  James 1:17 says that Every good and perfect gift is from above...  We have to depend on the Lord's leading in our lives.  

     If you are waiting on the Lord for something, you are not alone.  Everyone has had to wait for something.  A job.  A spouse.  A child.  Confirmation about God's will.  Justice.  The truth to win out.  Righteousness to conquer all.  Validation.  A sense of purpose.  Many people in the Bible had to wait.  

     Abraham and Sarah had to wait on God for their promised child (Genesis 17-21).  Isaac had to wait for Abraham's servant to bring him a wife (Genesis 24--and when he met Rebekah, it was the first time in the Bible it mentions a man loving a woman--so romantic), and then Isaac and Rebekah struggled with infertility for 20 years (Genesis 25:20, 26).  Joseph had to wait for vindication, validation, and reconciliation (Genesis 37-50).  All the Old Testament saints waited for God to send the Messiah, and never saw Him in their lifetimes (These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth --Hebrews 11:13).  The disciples had to wait for the Resurrection they didn't even realize was coming! (John 20:19-20).  The Apostle Paul spent a lot of time in prison, awaiting his fate.  

     Now, let's look at the benefits of these biblical waits.  Abraham and Sarah had time to grow in faith in God, becoming the parents Isaac needed, and the parents of the Nation of Israel.  Isaac grew to be a husband who would love Rebekah (he is the only patriarch who was a one-woman man), and was a prayerful husband for his wife (Genesis 25:21).  Joseph grew in humility, to become the right kind of leader, and a forgiving brother.  The Old Testament believers were commended for their faith and given eternal salvation (Hebrews 11:16).  The disciples came to know Jesus more deeply, and understood His plan of redemption.  The Apostle Paul wrote most of the New Testament while in prison.  These and other Bible examples reveal the truth in Romans 8:28, And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

     Hopes are deferred, but not forever.  God will make all things right one day.  Maybe you and I will see fulfillment in our lifetimes...maybe we will need to wait until eternity.  But I believe we will receive that fulfillment.  How can I say that?  Because Romans 5:5 says, And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.  

     Don't give up.  God has plans for you.  He will fulfill you.  Nothing that happens to you is in vain.  He loves you, and is working all things for your good.  When you and I stand before God in Heaven, I am certain that we will fall at His feet, amazed at His love and grace in our lives.  I believe everything will make sense in ways we can't see now.  First Corinthians 13:12 tells us: For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  Even in this life, if God has given you something in your heart to hold out for, abide in that faith.  That's what the believers in Hebrews 11 were doing, and they pleased God for it.  

     It doesn't make sense right now.  It doesn't seem right.  Maybe you feel alone, like I have at times in my journey.  But you're not alone.  Not only are you surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (the Old Testament believers who went through similar struggles--Hebrews 12:1), but you are surrounded by others who are also struggling, even if they don't let on.  Take a chance and reach out.  Share your hope deferred.  You just might encourage someone who desperately needs to know of what God is doing in your life.  Maybe sharing your story will be the key to your calling in the situation.  You are not alone.  You were never alone.  Remember, hope maketh not ashamed.  In that encouragement, go forward in faith.