Hope Deferred

      Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.  (Proverbs 13:12).   Have you ever had a hope deferred?  Something you longed for, but it didn't happen for you?  I would guess all of us have had that, in big and small ways.  

     I have a funny story that illustrates a small version of this reality.  I am from the western United States, where we have the Carl's Jr. fast food restaurants.  Once you get far enough east, the franchise's name is Hardee's.  I don't know the whole history, but I think Hardee's has only had the same logo as Carl's Jr. (the star) for a little while, whereas Carl's Jr. always had the star, and bought Hardee's in the late 90's.  

     The two restaurants are very similar, and have almost the same menu, but there are a few differences.  I grew up with Carl's Jr, but now live in Hardee's territory.  Carl's Jr. has my favorite sandwich in the world, the Santa Fe Chicken.  Hardee's doesn't have it.  Whenever we travel west, I have to get a Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich from Carl's Jr (usually in Colorado en route to my parents in Idaho).  

     Recently, we were driving back to Arkansas from California.  I was very tired.  I hadn't slept well in our hotel in Winslow, Arizona the night before.  I desperately needed a bubble bath (my favorite way to unwind), some time with a good book, and a very full night's sleep.  Now we were in the middle of New Mexico.  All I could think about was a Santa Fe Chicken sandwich.  Excitedly, we pulled over at a Carl's Jr.  We stood in a long line.  My stomach was growling, and the good smell of charbroiled burgers was tantalizing my senses.  

     

     "What can I get started for you?" the teenage employee behind the counter asked. 

     "A Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich, please," I said.

     "Oh, our chicken all went bad today, and we don't have more yet.  I'm sorry.  Can I get you a burger?"

     Even though this was such a trivial thing, I literally felt like I was going to cry!  I so rarely get the chance to go to Carl's Jr and have my favorite sandwich on earth, and now I was here, they didn't have it?  I felt cheated!  Why get a burger from them if I could get the same one from Hardee's when I got home?  As politely as I could (and trying very hard to stay calm), I just said, "I think I'll skip lunch," and got out of line.  My husband ordered a meal, and we were on the road again (I didn't eat until that night, when we went to a restaurant in Amarillo, Texas).  

Janelle and Walter, enjoying a nice dinner in Amarillo, TX

     A sandwich is such a small and silly thing to put our hope in, but I really had in that instance.  I was tired and emotional from all the travel.  I felt vulnerable, odd as that seems now.  I had several other needs at the moment, which intensified things.  Carl's Jr. not being able to give me my favorite sandwich felt like a major blow.  I had to pull myself together, readjust my thinking, and decide what I would do moving forward (I decided to avoid eating until dinner, when I could have a really good meal).  Even though that is a funny example, it gives an idea of having your hope deferred.  Something you had been anticipating, hoping for, waiting for, suddenly snatched from you.  

     Oftentimes, hopes deferred are a bigger deal than a sandwich.  God recognizes that.  That's why His word contains the verse I stared with, Proverbs 13:12.  This verse acknowledges how heartsick a deferred hope can make you.  David wrote in Psalm 119:116, Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.  I like the way the King James version finishes that verse: let me not be ashamed of my hope.  Sometimes, when my deepest heart's desires haven't happened when I wanted them to, I felt a sense of shame for even wanting it.  It's a terrible feeling.  Have you ever felt that way?  What are some hopes deferred that you have experienced?  

     Not everyone has the same types of hopes that end up being deferred.  I have known friends who were unemployed, and tried for weeks and months to find a new job, and had to settle for a job that wasn't their ideal.  While not every job I have had has been my dream job, I have had no breaks in employment since I entered the workforce at age 17.  I have been especially blessed job-wise.  As of this point in my life, I have never had a long or difficult job hunt, nor have I had to work outside my field.  With one exception, every job I have had has brought me satisfaction and joy.  That's an area I've been extremely blessed in.  But dear friends of mine have struggled with this.  Joseph did as well, in the book of Genesis.  He had a deep dream in his heart for his future, that turned out to be God-given.  On his way to that, though, he had to endure persecution, slavery, imprisonment, being forgotten, unappreciated, and finally exalted.  God ended up using him to save the world from a famine, including his family.  He knew the pain of hope deferred.  I have not experienced that career-wise, but I have had my own deferred dreams.  

     The two biggest hopes deferred I have had have been marriage and children.  I married at age 33, which isn't even particularly old for my generation, but it was a difficult wait.  I had teasers put in front of me over the years, and that hurt.  I think young men sometimes have no idea the hopes they are arousing when they talk to women about marriage or a future, and then disappear (I think the younger crowd calls this "ghosting" but we didn't have a word for it in my day as a young adult).  These men are in the moment, feeling attracted to the women, and thinking through the possibilities, but they don't really mean what they're saying.  To them, maybe it's no big deal, but it breaks women's hearts.  I'm sure women do this to men as well, and it is equally wrong.  I just have experiences as a woman getting it from men who didn't follow through.    

     As a college student, I had a heartbreak from a man I thought I would marry.  We had served the Lord together, and shared some spiritual highs.  There was an attraction, and we were both hormonally charged.  He talked about me as his future wife many, many times.  He talked about where we would go on our honeymoon, and how we would be in ministry together, and how we would raise our kids.  I cannot tell you what that did to me.  I loved him and wanted to marry him.  But when he didn't really make practical plans for our future, I asked his actual plans and intentions.  I was terrified to do that, but I had to know, before I wasted more time.  His response to this was to deny everything that had happened between us.  Talk about hope deferred.  It broke my heart, and my spirit.  It damaged my psyche, and made me question reality.  No one understood.  I felt isolated.  I had to move forward in my life, alone.  Satan used this as a stronghold to attack my ministry at that time.  It was one of the darkest times in my life, but also a time with many victories.  I grew so much in the Lord, because He was the only One I could turn to.  Without this experience, I am sure I would have still wanted marriage, but this experience seared that desire deep into my soul, and I had to wait thirteen years for it to be fulfilled.  All I can say about that is God's grace is sufficient.  Going through life for thirteen years with burning passions is hard (but very possible with God's help)!  

     A couple of years after this experience,  while still in my early 20's, I met another man at a young adult Bible study.  There was an obvious interest right away.  He stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes got wide, and his mouth dropped open upon seeing me.  I do not think for a second that I'm so striking he had to do that.  He wanted me to notice that he noticed.  As soon as our eyes met, he grinned and introduced himself, adding, "I know I haven't seen you here before..."  We hit it off right away.  I was just starting to want to date again, and I wondered if this guy could be "the one."  In fairness, this second young man didn't use words to arouse me.  He wasn't over-the-top.  He never brought up marriage.  He asked me out, but did it in awkward ways, where he wasn't totally committed.  He was very sweet, and I enjoyed spending time with him.  Our relationship was never "official" (in fact, he too later denied there had been anything there--in a total panic), but we went out a few times, called each other some, and hung around exclusively at our Bible's study's functions.  It was obvious enough that others noticed our relationship.  After I grew tired of waiting for him to commit, I decided to pull away.  He didn't try to pursue me (which gave me my answer about how serious he was about me), but whenever our paths crossed around town, he would stare at me, and make very awkward scenes to get my attention (such as tripping dramatically right in front of me), but then barely speaking to me.  I was left so confused and disappointed.  After one such encounter with him, I was very drained.  I had had to act normal at a ministry event, and it was so hard with him trying to get my attention the whole time, but then acting scared when I gave it to him.  I went home, crying by myself, and the Lord brought this verse to me: Exodus 1:21, And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own.  The context was about the midwives in Egypt who refused to kill the baby boys, but in that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart.  Like those women in Exodus, I feared God, and He had plans for me.  

     
     One particular day toward the end of my relationship with this second guy, we were on a retreat with our Bible study.  When I would later learn was that the retreat center was at a Christian camp where my future husband Walter had grown up attending.  It was a very significant place in his relationship with God.  All through the retreat, this guy was acting totally obsessed with me, and touching my heart, but at the same time, I could tell he wasn't going to be an adult about it and really pursue me realistically.  I went off by myself, and cried out to God, asking if these games were all I would ever experience from men.  In the quiet of my heart, God spoke unmistakably to me, What I have in store for you is better than what you've experienced so far.  I knew He was speaking of my future husband--and I was astonished to later learn of this place's importance to Walter!  Only God could have planned that.  

     Those two men in my early adulthood were the biggies, but there were other guys who showed an interest, and raised that hope a little over the years.  One of them was a guy at my church whose mother was the dearest woman.  She and I did children's ministry together, and she desperately wanted me to marry her son.  She thought I could straighten him out and make him into the godly man he ought to be.  That could never have been God's will for me, but it played with my heart a little, especially when this guy and I did have a chemistry, and he did pursue me.  There was another situation that arose that would have been totally inappropriate to pursue, but still got to me, flattered me, and aroused that longing.  Random guys I would meet would ask me out, such as coming out of the library one day.  A year before I met Walter, I met a very nice Christian man while doing a ministry, and he showed an interest, and even got my contact info.  My hope was stirred...only to be deferred again.  He never called or pursued.  I had no idea I would meet my husband so shortly after this, and I struggled a lot.  One friend, who had had a very easy time in her dating life (much like I have had in my career life) made some judgmental statements about this to me, and it made me really stumble inside.  

     I have friends who are still waiting on this situation of marriage.  It's a hard place to be.  It can be a beautiful opportunity of trusting the Lord in His perfect will, but it can be frustrating too.  Sometimes, it seems like there are answers for everyone but you.  A scripture that I clung to back then was Second Corinthians 4:8-9 out of the Living Bible: We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going.  It was a battle.  A time of clinging to God's word and trusting Him to fulfill me.  But I never stopped wanting marriage.  I never stopped desiring that.  Some bad advice people gave me at the time included things like, "As soon as you stop wanting it, God will give it to you."  and "As soon as you give it over to the Lord, He'll work it out for you."  God is already working this out for us.  And I had given it to Him.  In fact, I had to do it daily.  We all have to do that.  Luke 9:23 says that we need to take up our cross daily.  Surrender in this area of life, or any other, is a daily choice, not a one-time moment.   I knew certain things were a stumbling block to me, and I had to be careful.  Song of Solomon 8:4 reminds us not to awaken love until the right time.  There were other things that I felt God gave me, to keep me going, believing and hoping for what He had placed in my heart.  

     My love story with Walter was beyond my wildest dreams.  Unlike the awkward, fearful, passive-aggressive, slightly effeminate guys who liked me before, Walter was everything I needed and dreamed of.  He was brave, and true.  He pursued me the way I always knew I needed.  There were no games.  No passive-aggression.  No confusion.  He was the one God had for me, the one He kept me waiting for.  Walter is a man of courage.  A man of his word.  

Janelle and Walter's wedding 2015

     During my single years, I did some evangelism workshops at Christian conferences.  At one such conference, a keynote speaker made a very offensive and hurtful statement from the podium.  He said that all of us in that room were either a kid living at home with our parents, or we were married and had our own kids, so obviously, we all related to whatever his next point was.  What?  Had this man never met a single adult who owned a house away from their parents?  Had this man never met an infertile couple?  I felt as if he were saying I didn't exist or matter.  Stuff like that was so hurtful.  

     I know my time of waiting was much shorter than some of my friends'.  But it was longer than others, and I think my experiences in waiting are worth sharing.  

     After Walter and I married, I had a new kind of hope deferred.  A wait for children.  As of now, we have been married seven years (if you're doing the math, we're forty as of 2022).  While friends were having babies all over the place (a friend of mine who is younger than me is already a grandmother in her late 30's), we continued waiting, month after month.  There were months I believed I was pregnant, only to be disappointed.  Mother's Day is murder for me.  Stupid Facebook posts that ask "How old were you when you became a mother" totally annoy me.  Baby dedications at church are hard to endure.  

     The thing is, this waiting didn't just start the day I got married.  It stared when I was a young girl.  In my heat of hearts, I began planning for motherhood while I was a young adolescent.  I came up with names for boys and girls, and even talked to them when I was alone, imagining all the things I would teach them and do with them.  These hopes came from a very deep and tender part of my spirit.  There have been times I felt forgotten by God (even though I theologically knew I wasn't).  I felt like I was getting God's second-best, and that maybe He didn't like me as much as these other people.  Again, I know this isn't true, but it felt that way sometimes.  Even though I know salvation isn't works-based, I began to live as if God's blessings were, and I thought that if I did more good deeds than bad, God would reward me with children.  I wondered if I had sinned to make me infertile.  My husband had to remind me of John 9:3, what Jesus said about the man born blind: Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.  

     The biggest question I wrestled with was, why did God allow people to conceive when He knew they would get an abortion, but He didn't let us?  So many unanswered questions in this life, that can only be explained by God's Sovereignty.  We must believe He is good, even when our emotions try to tell us otherwise.  

     Last summer, God opened the door for Walter and me to begin the process of adoption through the Cherokee Nation.  We meet two important stipulations that allow us to adopt through them:  One spouse (in our case, Walter) is a Tribal member, and we live in one of the two states they will work with.  We feel we are uniquely suited to this calling, and that God has opened this door for us.  We have had a long year of paperwork (hundreds of pages) meetings, trainings, having things notarized by different agencies, and waiting.  Lots of waiting.  Just yesterday, we received the letter that we are certified!  We are now ready to receive a placement--a child or sibling set who will become a permanent part of the Stoermer family.  I feel like I got a positive pregnancy test at long last--except we don't have a neat, orderly 9 month timetable.  It might be next month, or it might be a year from now.  Please pray for God's leading and provision for our family.  I now feel like I am getting God's very best for me.  I can see ways God has been preparing me for this my entire life.  Everyone's story is different, and this is ours--Walter's and mine.  In my joyful marriage, and in my excitement about this adoption (even though we don't know how it will all go at this point), I never forget the loneliness of waiting, of hope deferred in these areas.  

     People can be very insensitive and even cruel toward those who are walking around with deferred hopes.  Just because something came easily for them, they might get judgmental, and think it should come easily for you.  I remember, during my 13-year wait for marriage, a well-meaning woman snapped at me one day, "When I was your age, I was already married with three kids!"  How was that supposed to help me?  I wanted to be married with three kids!  I really did.  You can't just single-handedly make it happen.  She was reprimanding me for not having something that I desperately wanted.  That would be the equivalent of me harping at an unemployed person, "Get a job!  I have one!  You can get one!  It shouldn't be this hard for you!"  That is so cruel.  God has different plans for everyone.  No one should use their life story as a pattern for others to follow.  The Bible is our guide, in the power of the Holy Spirit.  If someone has a good job, it's a gift from God.  If someone has a spouse and kids, those are gifts from God.  We can't take credit for His gifts to us.  James 1:17 says that Every good and perfect gift is from above...  We have to depend on the Lord's leading in our lives.  

     If you are waiting on the Lord for something, you are not alone.  Everyone has had to wait for something.  A job.  A spouse.  A child.  Confirmation about God's will.  Justice.  The truth to win out.  Righteousness to conquer all.  Validation.  A sense of purpose.  Many people in the Bible had to wait.  

     Abraham and Sarah had to wait on God for their promised child (Genesis 17-21).  Isaac had to wait for Abraham's servant to bring him a wife (Genesis 24--and when he met Rebekah, it was the first time in the Bible it mentions a man loving a woman--so romantic), and then Isaac and Rebekah struggled with infertility for 20 years (Genesis 25:20, 26).  Joseph had to wait for vindication, validation, and reconciliation (Genesis 37-50).  All the Old Testament saints waited for God to send the Messiah, and never saw Him in their lifetimes (These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth --Hebrews 11:13).  The disciples had to wait for the Resurrection they didn't even realize was coming! (John 20:19-20).  The Apostle Paul spent a lot of time in prison, awaiting his fate.  

     Now, let's look at the benefits of these biblical waits.  Abraham and Sarah had time to grow in faith in God, becoming the parents Isaac needed, and the parents of the Nation of Israel.  Isaac grew to be a husband who would love Rebekah (he is the only patriarch who was a one-woman man), and was a prayerful husband for his wife (Genesis 25:21).  Joseph grew in humility, to become the right kind of leader, and a forgiving brother.  The Old Testament believers were commended for their faith and given eternal salvation (Hebrews 11:16).  The disciples came to know Jesus more deeply, and understood His plan of redemption.  The Apostle Paul wrote most of the New Testament while in prison.  These and other Bible examples reveal the truth in Romans 8:28, And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  

     Hopes are deferred, but not forever.  God will make all things right one day.  Maybe you and I will see fulfillment in our lifetimes...maybe we will need to wait until eternity.  But I believe we will receive that fulfillment.  How can I say that?  Because Romans 5:5 says, And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.  

     Don't give up.  God has plans for you.  He will fulfill you.  Nothing that happens to you is in vain.  He loves you, and is working all things for your good.  When you and I stand before God in Heaven, I am certain that we will fall at His feet, amazed at His love and grace in our lives.  I believe everything will make sense in ways we can't see now.  First Corinthians 13:12 tells us: For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  Even in this life, if God has given you something in your heart to hold out for, abide in that faith.  That's what the believers in Hebrews 11 were doing, and they pleased God for it.  

     It doesn't make sense right now.  It doesn't seem right.  Maybe you feel alone, like I have at times in my journey.  But you're not alone.  Not only are you surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses (the Old Testament believers who went through similar struggles--Hebrews 12:1), but you are surrounded by others who are also struggling, even if they don't let on.  Take a chance and reach out.  Share your hope deferred.  You just might encourage someone who desperately needs to know of what God is doing in your life.  Maybe sharing your story will be the key to your calling in the situation.  You are not alone.  You were never alone.  Remember, hope maketh not ashamed.  In that encouragement, go forward in faith.