Relationships 101

      Life can throw a lot of things at us.  There are difficulties that come with living on this planet.  Decisions need to be made as we navigate life.  Do I take this job?  Do I move here or there?  What is God leading me to do?  There are big decisions (What should I major in at college? What job should I take?), as well as the choices to be made in the intricate details of life (what should I say to this friend in this situation?). I believe God cares about all of it, and wants us to seek Him, then obey what He has led us to do.  On the other hand, I don't believe He wants us to miserably agonize and struggle.  After all, God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (First John 3:20).  

     One of the hardest areas of life for many to navigate is the area of love/dating/marriage/singleness issues.  There are whole genres of books and conferences devoted to it, and now, with all the dating businesses out there, it is an industry!  Christians, as well as non-Christians, are cashing in on this part of people's lives.  This was a difficult part of my own life when I was single--not because of the man I ultimately ended up marrying (meeting Walter and having that relationship progress to marriage was a piece of cake compared to the whole process that came before).  There were so many messages being thrown at me.  

     People gave so much advice.  It's always easier to give advice than it is to carry it out.  For example, it was easy for a well-meaning older woman I know to tell me, "You need to invite all the Christian singles you know over for just a fun get-together in your home and just see who ends up connecting and forming relationships."  In theory, that's a great idea.  But realistically, carrying that out isn't as simple as just saying it.  I didn't have that many friends who would have been into that.  That's just one example of some well-meant advice that didn't really fit into what God was doing in my life.  

     Today, I was in the Christian bookstore, and I happened to see the book Boy Meets Girl, say hello to courtship, by Joshua Harris.  This is the sequel to his famous (or infamous) bestseller I kissed Dating Goodbye.  All of Joshua Harris' books have been out of print since 2019, so this copy must have been sitting on the shelf at the bookstore for years.  

     This book, as well as the one preceding it, had a huge impact on my generation of Christian young people's dating habits.  Seeing it in the store today put me in the mind of other such books (which are still in print) such as Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot, and When God Writes Your Love Story, by Eric and Leslie Ludy.  Both of those books were also in the bookstore today, and I picked them up and thumbed through them, letting the memories of yesteryear--some from another century--come back to me, reminding me of my life as a young, confused single woman, wanting to do God's will.  In light of all the confusing messages out there, I sometimes feel it is a miracle I'm married.  Some of my married friends expressed similar sentiments, while others are single, still navigating all of this.  I'm going to interact a little bit with the messages of these books, and also answer the questions: What is a woman's place in romantic relationships?  What is a man's?  What is God's responsibility?  What is ours? 

     I was sixteen when I Kissed Dating Goodbye was published.  It took the world by storm.  Friends of mine thought it was very profound.  The book opened with an imaginary scenario:  A bride at the altar on her wedding day.  Suddenly, several other girls come up and stand beside her groom.  He tells his bewildered bride, "These are all girls I dated before I met you.  I gave each one a piece of my heart."  Crying, the bride says, "I thought your heart was mine!"  to which the groom replies,  "You can have everything that is left!"  What a powerful--and so very wrong--message!  

     What this communicated to me at the time was, "You have once chance to date the right guy, and if you blow it and go out with someone who doesn't end up being your husband, you've already cheated on your real husband in advance, and you'll never have your whole heart to give to him when you finally do marry."  This is so contrary to the message of redemption taught throughout scripture!  This assumes that we have a finite amount of love to give away (which is untrue) and also, that we will never be able to get over past relationships and move on with our lives (also untrue!).  This scenario made it seem like anyone who had ever gone out with a person they didn't end up marrying was damaged goods.  That is so ridiculous!  Our God is a God of forgiveness, grace, renewal and healing.  Nowhere in scripture are we told that we can damage our lives beyond His redemption--and yet this book made it seem like we could, simply by liking and going out with someone we didn't ultimately end up with.  Dating the wrong one became the new unpardonable sin.  

     The idea of "giving pieces of your heart away" was further popularized much later by Josh Duggar (who is now also infamous), the oldest son of the well-known Arkansas family who have 19 children, and formerly espoused their Conservative values on their own reality TV show.  Josh Duggar (age 20 at the time, who admittedly had very little experience in relationships then) stated very boldly on TV that when you date, you're giving pieces of your heart away, and will have nothing left to give your spouse.  He, his parents, and his future in-laws said that dating prepares you for divorce, while courtship prepares you for marriage.  Josh went on to praise his own courtship with his future-wife Anna.  No one in this episode of their show proved satisfactorily how their brand of courtship is actually superior, or how it prevents giving your heart away.  Now, in April of 2022, Josh is in jail, awaiting prison sentence, for child porn charges, and also having been unfaithful to his wife.  In spite of his big talk about courtship, he failed miserably where it really counted.  That isn't my point here, though it does give pause to think.  

Anna and Josh, before his scandals came out

     I did agree with the basic premise of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in that it is silly to get into a serious relationship when you were still young and didn't know the direction your life was headed.  To me, that's common sense.  Getting too emotionally involved at the wrong time can make it so much harder to discern other things God may be leading you to do during a very critical time in life.  Even so, though, I don't think we can make a hard, fast rule about it.  God leads everyone's life differently.  Within biblical Christianity, there is room for the Holy Spirit to direct our lives and stories differently.  Some people marry their high school sweetheart.  Others marry later.  Some do not marry.  All of these people can be in God's will and leading.  Making some arbitrary rule about dating may work for how God is leading some people's lives, but may not fit everyone.  John 10:27 says, My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.  I think instead of focusing on specific rules about dating, we should focus on hearing God's voice and obeying what He has led us to do.  We start by obeying what we are all commanded in scripture, and then being sensitive to what the Holy Spirit is specifically leading us to do.  

     The summer I was fourteen, going into high school, I worked in Vacation Bible School at church.  My youth group boyfriend worked in the same class as me.  We had liked each other all through junior high, and always hung out together.  He had told me I was beautiful, and of course, that had made me melt.  There was no serious relationship between us, just kids liking each other, but I went into that time at VBS hoping that after we served that week, we might get more serious in our relationship.  Instead, I went out of that week of serving the Lord knowing this guy wasn't the one for me, and knowing that I didn't want to date or get serious with a boyfriend until I was eighteen and out of high school.  God did so much in and through me that week in VBS, and this guy was just along for the ride.  I knew I could only be with a man who cared as much about serving God as I did.  To be honest, I was kind of infatuated with the Apostle Paul at the time, and a guy would have had to be pretty spiritual for me to have even noticed him after that week in VBS.  I wanted to spend my high school years becoming the person I was meant to be, seeing where God was leading me, without the pressure of a boyfriend.  I reasoned that by the time I was out of high school, I would have a better idea of where my life was going, and would be ready to get serious with a guy who was going that direction as well.  I think that was one of the wisest decisions I ever made.  God led me to make it.  He might not lead everyone to do that, so I would never write a book claiming that everyone needs to do what I did.  I can only speak for myself and how God led my life.  Life is about a relationship with God, not about checking off all the boxes of doing everything "right" by manmade standards.  

     Needless to say, I didn't 100% buy into Joshua Harris' message in his first book.  I thought it had a few good points, but also had some holes in it.  It never gave the idea of when it was finally okay to start dating.  Other people I knew made a whole doctrine out of it, as if this were a new book of the Bible or something.  That kind of scared me.  Those who espoused it the most seemed to be leaders who wanted to control or belittle young people's lives.  Many people used this book, and the larger purity culture, to deify men and demonize women.  In many instances, I saw the mentality that men could do no wrong, and women could do no right.  I am not a feminist, and I am not always looking for imaginary examples of women being shorted.  I really did see this.  In fairness, my husband saw the opposite.  Women in his Bible college were seen as the fairer sex, and could get away with being manipulative, but men who did anything a woman didn't like were suddenly labeled as a predator.    

     Joshua Harris' second, already-mentioned book, Boy Meets Girl, say hello to courtship, came out a few years later.  I was a young adult by then, and was interested to see what he had to say, so I read it.  It was okay, but it was really just his story about how he met his wife.  There was an underlying attitude of, "This is what we did, so this is what you ought to do."  That was very frustrating.  People are so multifaceted and dynamic.  No two people have the exact same story.  No two people would respond the exact same way in a given situation.  God doesn't direct any two people the same way.  There isn't a one-size fits all way to do relationships.  That is the fallacy behind these books.  

     After my own trial and error in dating as a young woman, I turned to the book Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot.  Unlike Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot is not from my generation.  She was older and wiser, with a lifetime of wisdom, and more experience than she ever bargained for (she had been widowed twice and was on her third marriage at the time of the book's publication--a marriage that would last until her death in 2015).  I had been told the story of Elisabeth's first husband, Jim Elliot, my entire life.  Jim was martyred for the Gospel, and as his widow, Elisabeth stayed and continued to reach his killers for Christ, eventually seeing them saved.  Their inspiring story has rightfully been given a place of honor in modern Christianity.  My own mother was saved in the late 50's as a result of this happening.  Personally, I have used Jim and Elisabeth's story in ministry, and seen many come to Christ as a result.  I know that Jim and Elisabeth Elliot are rejoicing in Heaven for how God has used them and their story.  However, they were still humans.  Just because they were faithful to the Lord doesn't mean their story is my story.  I'm called to be like Jesus, not them (I'm sure they would have wholeheartedly agreed with that, even before going to Heaven and becoming perfect in Christ).  

Elisabeth and Jim Elliot

     Like Joshua Harris, Elisabeth Elliot shared her romance as a sort of pattern.  At the time I read it (at age 20), I really struggled.  I wanted to love that book.  I really did.  I admired the Elliots so much, but really struggled with some of the claims made in the book.  While Passion and Purity didn't claim that going on a date was equal to cheating on your yet-unknown spouse, and it wasn't as all-or-nothing as Joshua Harris' writings, I struggled with some of the statements in it, and I feel that these statements are still believed by many.  Upon opening the book today at the bookstore, I was reminded of my impressions from the past.  

     The idea was that men always have to initiate.  Okay, I can agree with that as a general idea.  But to what extent does that work?  Elisabeth Elliot seemed to be stating that women were to always be completely passive, and only respond when a man was completely straightforward with her.  In other words, if a man is monopolizing a woman's time, showing a strong interest, and leading a woman to believe there could be a future, the woman still can't respond to that unless he has "officially" stated what the relationship is.  Elisabeth gave several examples of women making fools of themselves pursuing men who had given them no encouragement at all.  I agree that these women jumped the gun, but felt really sorry for them.  Elisabeth went on to share about women who felt misled by men who had actually showed an interest, then dropped the ball.  That is something I'm very familiar with.  In one instance Elisabeth shared about, the man was pursuing the woman, taking her out on dates a few evenings a week, spending time with her, and then suddenly just started ignoring her with no explanation at all.  I've been there myself.  I feel for the woman.  Elisabeth Elliot, instead, sympathized with the men in these situations.  She took the position that, unless it is 100% official, women have no business questioning men who give them signals.  It appeared that total passivity was called for.  She even felt that women who expected men to follow through were being unrealistic and unfair to men.  Women were only encouraged to be honest with men when men were completely forward and laid all their cards on the table.  

     I can understand cautioning women from jumping the gun, and encouraging them to let the men initiate.  I am not against that.  The first examples she gave were of women who totally threw themselves at men who had given them no reason to even assume they were interested.  But what about these other noted situations where something had been said or done?  Some men have been very passive-aggressive, and that was my experience before I met my husband.  What was I supposed to say or do?  Just pretend it wasn't happening because the man hadn't properly stated his intentions?  If a man doesn't give a woman something proper to respond to, she just has to guess, and it's easy to guess wrongly.  Sometimes, these men are stumbling blocks to women.  That wasn't addressed in the book.  

      After reading Passion and Purity as a young woman, I felt very foolish about some things I realize I had no reason to be ashamed of.  After that point, when a man showed an interest without stating it, I would respond the best I could, but felt very lost if he wasn't as forward as Jim Elliot had been with Elisabeth (and let's face it, there was only room on earth, or in history, for one Jim Elliot!).  I think there is wisdom in moving away from seeming relationships that are not being defined.  If a man isn't declaring himself, it might be a good idea to just move away from him.  You need to take care of yourself, and these kinds of passive-aggressive relationships are so hard on us.  It is my belief that men who perpetuate these relationships need to be brought to account, and I personally see nothing wrong with a woman asking for clarification.  

     If you are a passive person, maybe what was being encouraged in Passion and Purity or these other books would work for you.  But if you are not, it might feel like forcing yourself to become this person that isn't really you.  I don't think God calls any of us to do that.  My husband has said that if I was totally passive, he would have been discouraged and thought I didn't like him, and might have stopped pursuing.  He did initiate our relationship, but I gave responses to the initial feelers he put out.  At our first meeting, when we really hit it off, I silently begged God to have his man ask to keep in touch with me.  By the end of the conversation, Walter had asked about contact info, and I gave him my phone number.  He called me three days later.  It was hard wait, but worth it!  As he asked me out, and we continued seeing each other, I did ask him what our relationship was, and he made that decision to ask me to be his girlfriend.  As we moved on, he began talking about marriage, and even planning a wedding.  I finally asked. him, "Are we officially engaged, then?" to which he proposed.  We went to Kmart, and he got me an inexpensive place holder ring to wear to work the next day, just so I would look engaged!  He later got me a ring from a jeweler.  I did not demand this out of him at all, nor did I even question the commitment in a vacuum.  All of this was his initiative, and I asked questions.  The relationship wasn't just him.  It was us.  I think we acted our part in this story, as God intended.  Someone else's story would be very different, because no one else is us.  

     Dr. James Dobson had written a book years ago entitled Life on the Edge.   I wish I still had a copy of this book and could quote him directly, but he gave some advice that I think was wise, and kind of went along with what Elisabeth Elliot says, only not so extreme.  He talked about, if you are rejected in a relationship (dating, friendship, whatever) the natural inclination is to move forward toward that person, and to keep trying to pursue that relationship.  However, Dr. Dobson advocated for pulling away.  That is showing yourself respect, and also possibly giving the other person a chance to realize that you are gone, and possibly miss you and want you back.  Even if they do not want you back, you are showing yourself respect by doing this.  I have applied this principle to my life several times, and I think I spared myself some heartache from men who weren't intended to be my husband.  I can understand this.  I just don't believe in 100% passivity.  Relationships between two uniquely-designed humans are too dynamic to put in a box, saying that women have to do XYZ in order to be godly or proper.  

     My problem with books like Passion and Purity and Boy Meets Girl are that they are man-made formula based on relationships of fallible human beings.  What worked for one person might not work for someone else (no man who liked me was ever anything like Jim Elliot, so I was never pursued in the manner in which Elisabeth Elliot was!  And I'm not sure I'd want to be!).  Joshua Harris' marriage eventually ended in divorce, so what does that prove?  There is no one right way to do relationships.  We have the Holy Spirit, and some biblical guiding principles.  The message of the Bible is that God wants us to walk with Him, and He will direct us.  

     Psalm 32:8 says, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with my loving eye on you.  Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.  I remember one particular day during my single years, I was very frustrated.  I was getting so much advice, and I knew in my heart that God wasn't behind that advice.  I felt like I must have it all wrong.  Were all these purity books right after all?  Was I supposed to be doing something vastly different?  Just then, in the midst of all of that frustration, I was hit with Micah 6:8, He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?  Instead of stressing, or feeling ashamed, God wanted me to do what was good--be just and merciful with others, and walk humbly with God.  That was it.  He would do the rest.  This goes along with my husband's life verrse, Matthew 6:33, which says to Seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.  That gave me so much freedom.  God is much more gracious than fellow humans are.  

     I would challenge everyone to surrender to the Lordship of Christ, and let Him direct and guide you.  Not only does this apply to our salvation, the most important thing, but to every other area in our lives as well. As Romans 8:32 says, He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?