We hear a lot of psychological words nowadays that were not part of mainstream American vocabulary twenty years ago. Words like narcissist, gaslighting, trauma, and even ideas such as "feeling unsafe" or "being the best version of yourself." Sometimes, it is easy to dismiss the emphasis on these things. Sometimes, people go over the top talking about them, and use them to either defend and excuse bad behavior, or explain away good things. People cannot be reduced to psychological actions or conditions. But is there truth to these ideas, in the right context? I believe there is. One of the first psychological words of this nature that I incorporated into my own life was codependency. That's another word we hear a lot of today. What is it? Who do you know who could be considered codependent?
Years ago, I was in a Bible study in the home of a family from church. The husband was a zealous new believer, eating up everything the pastor said about God. He was committing scripture to memory, and being real and transparent with our group about his sin struggles. His wife had been a believer a little bit longer. She was a fun, hospitable woman, and I grew to love them both a lot. Over time, though, I noticed some patterns. One area the husband had struggled with was drinking. Moderation was not possible for him, and he made the effort not to have alcohol around him. His wife constantly complained about his drinking and how hard it was on their family when he would fall off the wagon. However, as much as she complained about it, I began to notice that she actually facilitated his binges by brining alcohol to him at vulnerable moments. It was as if she wanted him to fall, and then complain about it. At the time, I could not imagine why anyone would do that. But then I began to realize that I did the same thing, in other ways.
This is a classic example of codependency. The wife hated her husband's drinking, but also liked the role of being the good, responsible spouse who didn't drink. She enjoyed helping him, being his support. She loved playing opposite him. That was the basis of their relationship. She didn't know how to function in their family if he was no longer playing his part as the alcoholic. She genuinely loved God and her husband, and wanted him better...but not enough better that it made her give up being who she was with him. She wanted him to be mostly okay, but with just enough struggle so she would be needed. I guarantee she didn't even realize she was doing it. It was subconscious.
Oxford dictionary defines codependency as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. I will add that it doesn't have to be with a romantic partner. It can be with another family member, a friend, a coworker, or any other relationship you have. It is, in essence, being addicted to being supportive.
This can seem confusing. On the surface, a codependent person seems selfless and kind--and most codependents really are. They genuinely care about others. They just get lost in that caring, and then lose sight of who they are. I know that has happened to me.
The Bible is very clear we are to love others (John 13:34), sacrifice for others (John 15:13), bear other people's burdens (Galatians 6:2). When does it cross lines to become wrong or unhealthy? Is codependency just a made-up condition that seems to vilify biblical love and compassion? Does the Bible have anything to say about codependency?
The example I shared with the husband and wife in the Bible study is a more classic case, but around that time I was in the Bible study with them, I began to discover areas where I was codependent as well. I loved being the strong, dependable friend anyone could call, who would always be there for people. But as these friends picked up the pieces after I helped them, and then began to move forward in their lives, I would feel a little threatened about my place in our friendship in the future. If I wasn't needed anymore, what would happen to me? These fears led to friendship difficulties. I think of one particular friendship that I really damaged with my codependency. I had discipled this friend, and we had had wonderful times studying our Bibles, reading Christian books, doing ministry, talking, and having fun together over the course of a year. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't change any of it on the outside, but I would change the way saw myself and my role in that relationship. I was receiving my sense of self-worth from it, rather than taking joy in Christ as He worked in our lives. When God did some new things in this friend's life and led her on to new things, I felt very threatened. By God's grace, this friend and I are still in touch, but God had to do a work in me.
Codependency is a step beyond genuine care and compassion. I want to be clear that genuinely loving others is often present in codependency. The person who struggles with codependency should not be down on himself. We are all codependent to some degree. It's impossible to interact with other people and not struggle a little. But the point is, why are you being compassionate? Is your primary reason love for that person, or is it fulfillment for you? Is your help to them actually helpful, or is it hurting? Is it enabling? Do you feel your security lies in the role you play? If it does, that is where the problem lies.
We are to see ourselves as God sees us. We are loved (...I have loved you with an everlasting love... Jeremiah 31:3). We are chosen (For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. -Ephesians 1:4). We are created for God's plans for us ( For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. -Ephesians 2:10). We exist as who we are without the roles we play with other people. We are distinct people, apart from any other people. We do interact with others, but our identity needs to rest in who we are in Christ. When we find ourselves in Him, we are free to love others without expecting anything in return.
Jesus said, Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13). Laying down your life (or any sacrificial move you make for someone), can only be truly made by someone who is choosing it, not being manipulated into it. And I believe someone is only capable of that kind of sacrifice for others if he first knows who he is in Christ. Then, he is coming at service from a place of strength in the Lord.
Jesus was the leader and mentor to His twelve disciples, as well as to many other followers. And yet He wasn't defined by His relationship with them. He often went away by Himself (I was able to come up with seven times scripture records Him doing this, in following passages: Luke 4:1-2, 14-15; Mark 6:30-32; Matthew 14:1-13; Luke 6:12-13; Luke 29:32-44; Luke 5:16; John 6:15--perhaps there are others I overlooked!). He needed to be spiritually recharged, and connected to the Father. He knew who He was, and why He had come. He healed and loved, taught and rebuked. But none of that defined Him. With or without these people, He was the Son of God, the Promised Savior. That was His real identity. I think we are to follow Jesus' example of loving others, but, also like Jesus, we are not to be getting our own meaning from them. Our meaning comes from God alone. Psalm 27:10 says, Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me. God is there for us, when all others fail. When we are receiving His love, and letting Him define us, we lose our resentment toward others, because our sense of worth is no longer attached to them.
Several years ago, I was blessed to meet TV personality Stephanie Edwards (of the Tournament of Roses Parade fame). She gave a talk at our church's ladies function. She told us, "Who you really are, is who you are when who you think you are has been stripped away." And when we can find our true selves in Christ, we are free to serve Him, regardless of the outcome. We are free to relate to others in love. We are free to have the adventure of a lifetime!
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| Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards (former Rose Parade hosts) |
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