"I'm never going to church again. Church people are mean!" my relative told me angrily. No, not angrily. As I listened to her, I detected something deeper than anger. Hurt. Brokenheartedness. Disappointment. Pain. She had been deeply wounded by people in church, and she was done.
This heartbroken relative is not alone. Many Christians have echoed this sentiment. The idea of being done with church, because people are so mean. That is truly a tragedy. Those who wound others, especially misrepresenting Christ as they do so, will answer to God one day (For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ. Second Corinthians 5:10). The pain many have experienced in church is real. My denomination recently uncovered some unreported abuse from the last few decades. We grieve these things, and pray for those who survived these atrocious acts, and do our best to right wrongs now. There is no excuse for any of it. The believers who committed these acts will (as stated above in Second Corinthians 5:10) will give an account to God for what they did, and suffer loss of heavenly rewards. The unbelievers who did so are only adding to their eternal misery in hell (The dead were judged, according to what they had done as recorded in the books...anyone whose name was not found in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire, Revelation 20:12, 15). There is much I can say about this, but I'm going in a slightly different direction...
Church attendance among Christians is on the decline. Covid has had a big part in that. Many people got into the habit of watching online church, and never returned to physical worship. While church attendance has slowly risen (with 13% of American adults attending in-person services in July of 2020, and 27% of American adults attending in March of 2022, per Pew Research), the numbers are still down from what they were in 2019 (34% of American adults in 2019 attended services at least monthly, per Lifeway research). Interestingly, a poll of Canadian Christians (per National Post) stated that, while church attendance is plunging in Canada, belief in God is remaining the same. This means that those leaving the church are not leaving for reasons of actual faith. Of course, Covid isn't really what my post here today is about, but I thought I'd mention it, since it has played a part in this trend. Even before Covid, this was becoming a problem. I have met many Christians (prior to Covid) who told me they don't go to church for various reasons. Reasons I've heard have been things such as not being able to find that right church for them (that is, that fit their preferences and tastes), being disillusioned with church culture, or, most commonly, being hurt by the church.
I'll only say this quickly about Covid (and then, I will focus on the main reason I hear for church decline, about mean people in church). As far as Covid is concerned, if someone is honestly protecting his or her health and feels they must stay home and watch online, that is a valid reason--if that is what they actually need, and have been told by their doctor. Also, if this person is willing to go everywhere else, but not church, that is hypocritical. This person needs to be back in church. That is all I will say about Covid.
Is giving up on church really the answer? Is giving up on anything in particular really the answer to dealing with mean people? I think of Jesus' words in Matthew 11:7-9 What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed shaken by the wind? But what did you go out to see? A man dressed in soft clothing? Those who wear soft clothing are in kings' palaces! But what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and one who is more than a prophet. Here, Jesus was talking about John the Baptist, but His words here could be applied to other expectations. I pose a similarly-phrased question: "What did you go to church to see? Perfect people who will never disappoint you? Such people can only be found in Heaven. But what did you go to see? A mix of broken humanity at various stages of their growth, healing and journeys? Yes, this is what you will find in church."
If you're going to stop attending church because of mean people, then, in order not to be a hypocrite, you should also walk away from other places with mean people. There are mean people who shop at the same grocery store as you, so maybe you shouldn't shop there anymore. There are mean people who are part of your civic clubs and social groups. Maybe you should drop them. There are mean people at the post office, so maybe you should't mail things anymore...Do you see where I'm going with this? It sounds ridiculous to stop going to these other places because of mean people. Why do some people think it makes sense to walk away from church for that reason? I have a few thoughts, and also some responses:
1) Church serves as a community, not just a place of business
Your local grocery store is not attempting to meet your God-given need for community. Church is. If someone is nasty in a grocery store one day, that doesn't hinder your purpose for going there--buying food. On the other hand, someone being hurtful in church defeats the purpose of community church is supposed to provide. That is why it might seem reasonable to walk away when hurtful things happen. I can see why someone would draw the conclusion that walking away is the answer. Here is my response. Community is never guaranteed to be perfect. No matter what community you are in--church, school, neighborhoods, civic clubs, etc. We are never going to be close with everyone we meet. We are never going to get along perfectly with everyone. We click well with some, and not as much with others. That's just life, and church is no exception.
2) Churches claim to preach life-changing truth, while church members often fail to have changed lives.
As Christians, we have the best news in the world to share! This news is that Jesus Christ came to take the penalty we deserve for our sins, making it possible for us to have a right relationship with God now, and to live with Him forever after death. Through our study of scripture, we also find that Christians grow in faith over time. This process of growth is called sanctification. Galatians 2:20 says, I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me. With Christ in us, this kind of growth toward godliness is possible. It's in Him, not our own strength. This truth is preached in Christian churches. And yet, why do we run into so much hypocrisy in church? Doesn't sanctification "work"? Here is my response. The gospel--the good news--never, ever proclaims that we will reach perfection this side of heaven. We are still humans, with strengths and weaknesses, and the same kinds of problems that everyone else has. We are dealing with the effects of living in a sin-sick world. We have our own hurts and problems, and sometimes, those things cause us to respond to others in ways that hurt them--often unintentionally. This is unfortunate, but it is true. The Apostle Paul, one of the greatest men of God, wrote, ...for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate. Even he couldn't always master the flesh. Even he hurt people sometimes. We have been shown grace by the Lord Jesus. We need to show each other that same grace. Being part of a church family means receiving and extending grace. It means forgiving each other, and helping each other.
3) If Christians have the most important thing in common, why can't they get along? As Christians, we do share the most important commonality--our common salvation in Jesus. That should bring us closer together. I remember once, when I was growing up, the religion section of our newspaper showed a Christmas eve service at a multi-cultural church in downtown Los Angeles. The picture showed Black, White, Hispanic, Arab, Indian, and Asian believers all singing worships songs. One particular Hispanic man, in the front row of the church, had his eyes closed and head bowed in unmistakable contrition before the Lord as they all sang. I was deeply moved and impacted by that picture, but the caption underneath touched me even more. It said, The more you love Jesus, the more you love others. That picture always struck me as how Heaven will be. It's what I long for now. Why don't we always have that unity together? As I asked above, doesn't our faith "work" well enough to bring unity? Here is my response. When our focus is Jesus (like the Christians in that long-ago Christmas service in Los Angeles), we are unified, just like that. But we still have different personalities, callings, interests and tastes. When we deal with day to day life, sometimes, those things rub each other the wrong way. We aren't always going to get along. We should always love, but we won't always be close. Paul was very close with Barnabas during their first missionary trip (Acts 13-14), but they had a "sharp disagreement" and parted ways (Acts 15:39). Their split resulted in the furtherance of the Gospel. They couldn't work together and continue to be at their best, but they still had the most important thing in common. We read of other believers in the New Testament not getting along. Paul even wrote in Romans 12:18, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. This verse implies that it isn't always possible, and also takes into account that it isn't all on you. You may have every intent of getting along, but you are not the only person in the equation. Not only in Biblical accounts, but throughout church history, we see believers struggling with each other. That's normal. It isn't an excuse to sin against them, but it is validation for the point that we shouldn't be expected to perfectly get along all the time.
Reason 1: You can leave the building, you never stop being the church. All born-again Christians are part of the body of Christ-- the universal church, which includes all believers, worldwide. Whether or not you attend a weekly service, you, as a Christian, are part of that. And we need each other. So in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. (Romans 12:5)
Reason 2: The Bible tells us to gather with other Christians. Hebrews 10:25 says, Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. According to this verse, walking out on church is a sin, and that, alone, is the reason we should stay in church. This does not mean the way we do church is non-negotiable. It is our tradition to meet on Sundays, weekly, and have churches with specific traditions and customs. These things are not commands. Maybe a group of Christians meets on Thursday nights, and studies the Word together. That is still in obedience to this verse. When my husband and I first got married, we lived in the mountains and managed rental cabins. Our schedule was such that we almost never made it to Sunday morning church, but we always made it to the smaller, close-knit Wednesday night service, as well as several Bible studies and events during the week. We were part of a church family, just not on the expected day of the week. Some of the fellowship from that time was the deepest and best I've experienced. When we were able, we got back into a more "normal" church routine, but there was nothing sinful or wrong in our more unorthodox routine.
Reason 3: The Church needs you! Maybe you can be that voice in the midst of hurtful, broken people, who speaks the truth to them. Maybe you can help them in their journey to Christlikeness. Maybe you can be part of the solution to the very problem that makes you want to leave! Also, God has given you gifts and abilities that He wants to use in the church. But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. (First Corinthians 12:18). The church needs the gifts that God gave you!
And now, for some steps to take when you have been hurt in church, or by other Christians in general:
1. Remove yourself from hurtful people. You are never expected (by God, anyway) to continue allowing cruel treatment. If someone is abusing you (sexually, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) get away! You should even get away from them if they are doing smaller things (that might not qualify as abuse in a technical sense) that still hurt you or make you uncomfortable. Go where you are safe. This might mean leaving your particular church and joining another fellowship of believers. It might mean just removing yourself from the hurtful person at church, and surrounding yourself with people you feel more comfortable with. Maybe joining another Sunday school class or Bible study within your church is enough. What you do to remove yourself depends on what type of mistreatment you are experiencing.
2. Report wrong treatment to the correct person. Report it to proper authorities. Sexual or physical abuse should be reported to the police, or whatever abuse hotline exists in your area. Spiritual abuse isn't usually illegal, but you can report spiritual abuse the the proper leadership within your church, denomination, etc. Emotional abuse between adults (if it is verbal) is not usually considered criminal, but, as with spiritual abuse, you can report it to the correct leadership in your church or denomination. It needs to be stopped. Those in the wrong need to be held accountable. Report what happened, and pursue justice. In cases of smaller incidents that are not abuse, you may determine it isn't really something that the leadership needs to know. But at least tell someone you trust what is going on. Years ago, I had a lot of trouble with a mean-spirited woman I led a Bible study with. I decided to just hold it in, and keep it between myself and the Lord. I thought this was godly of me, to avoid gossiping about her. Meanwhile, this woman was gossiping and lying about me to anyone who would listen, and she ended up turning the group against me. Because I didn't confide in anyone, I didn't have an ally. I ended up being kicked out of that Bible study. It was very painful for me at the time. I learned from the experience that it is okay to share my concerns. This is not gossip or slander. It is protecting yourself.
3. Surround yourself with healthy Christians you get along well with. Some people just aren't in your tribe, so to speak. They don't click with you. That's okay. There are enough people in this world for all of us to have people we relate to. Friendships are a special gift from God. These friends bring out your very best. Proverbs 27:17 says, As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 18:24 says, A man of too many friends comes to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Those are the close friends God brings into your life. God's plan is that you are to bless each other. Surround yourself with those people.
4. Focus on Jesus, not people. Even your dearest friends and family will let you down at some point. Maybe not catastrophically, but they are not perfect, and they cannot be your all in all. Only Christ can totally fulfill you. Look to Him to meet the needs deep within. Your church family can't do it. Hebrews 12:2 says, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith... If you go to church looking for Jesus, You'll find Him. If you go to church looking for perfect people, you will be disappointed. Romans 10:11 says, Everyone who believes in Him will not be put to shame.
5. Ask God to reveal the truth to you. If something truly abusive has happened to you, what I'm about to say doesn't apply. For anything short of real abuse, ask yourself, am I perceiving this correctly? One person who turned their back on church gave this scenario as their last straw: "I was walking up to the church, and this woman was handing out bulletins, and she was smiling at everyone, but as soon as she saw us, she frowned." As someone hearing this, my first thought was, are you sure? Is it possible you misread her facial expression? If she doesn't even know you (they were visiting) why would she do that? Could there have been some other reason she frowned that had nothing to do with you? A lot of people go to church just looking for people to let them down, and then when in inevitably happens, they get a victim mentality. If you are in earnest about your faith, then get honest with the Lord and yourself. Ask God to reveal the truth to you. Maybe it's you. Maybe it really is a legitimate problem. At any rate, follow the previous steps. Even if the frowning lady isn't intentionally being mean to you, it is still okay to remove yourself if she is making you feel bad (even unknowingly).
As Christians, we never stop being the church. We are commanded to fellowship. We need each other. It is acceptable--right even--to remove yourself from those who hurt you. It is right to report abuse, and it is right to get support from someone you trust, even if the situation isn't legally considered abusive. Surround yourself with safe Christians. Keep your focus on Jesus. Ask God to reveal the truth of the situation to you--if you really want to know, He will reveal it.
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