Handling Master Manipulators

     "It's already over.  It happened.  You need to get over it.  You're destroying the unity.  It's all your fault.  We need to move forward and cooperate with each other."  This has been said to me many times.  The details change, but the situations are strikingly similar.  

    The summer I was 18, I went on an African mission trip.  One of my teammates was abusive and cruel.  But she was also very manipulative, and was able to twist everything so it was never her fault.  The culture we were serving in was not as into cause and effect as the US.  They saw everything as happening in a vacuum.  For example, if you got angry with someone, they thought the problem was that you were angry, and didn't even consider that the person might have provoked it.  This abusive teammate caught onto this, and used it to her advantage.  This person attacked every word I said.  She contradicted me very rudely.  She called my faith into question in front of others.  She ridiculed me.  While we were teaching children, she would move the bookmarks in my Bible so I would use the verses she wanted.  She destroyed a pair of my shoes.  At one point during that trip, I was in a very scary situation of almost being abducted on the street, as well as molested by my would-be abductors.  I screamed and fought, and this teammate just laughed, pointed, and took pictures happily.  Our host got the men off of me, and I was physically trembling, and this teammate kept laughing.  She kept asserting, "They went for Janelle because she's most scared!"  I have to confess, I mentally committed murder against her (not just then, but many times that summer).  When I couldn't stop shaking and crying from terror, I was told to get over it, it was over, and not everything was about me.  This teammate constantly made contrary comments about me or anything associated with me.  And in the midst of this, we were in a third-world country, pre-Internet, with no access to the US besides airmail (which took weeks).  It wasn't until late 2021 that I was able to verbally even talk about the almost-abduction.

This picture was taken of another mission team I was part of as a college student--a year after my Zambia trip.  I have so few pictures of the Zambia trip, because it was so traumatic.  In this picture, I am in the front, at the right (the picture cut off on both edges when I uploaded it, for some reason, but I'm the furthest right you can obviously see in the front row, with the three other young women.  I look happy, and I was, but I was carrying the baggage from the previous summer.  Below are pictures actually from Zambia (no people are in them--I got rid of most of those when I went through therapy about that experience)

Some monkeys who stole our lunch, then chased me!  The natives got a kick out of that!

Victoria Falls, on the Zambia/Zimbabwe border

     You can imagine, this was a very difficult six weeks for me.  What made it much worse, though, was that I was not allowed to own what happened to me for a long time.  If I so much as disagreed with this horrible teammate, much less corrected and confronted her obnoxious attitude, there was hell to pay.  Suddenly, I was destroying unity.  I wasn't keeping the peace.  I wasn't getting along.  I didn't have love in my heart and needed to study First Corinthians 13 until I could be more loving.  I needed to get over it and move forward and get along.  This teammate used this (sometimes making herself cry and getting everyone feeling sorry for her).  She would say this, or get everyone else to say it.  I was the bad guy.  It made me feel crazy.  Was I causing disunity?  Was "letting it go" the right thing?  It seemed like it just let her have a free pass to continue being abusive.  She got to control the narrative, that what she was doing was perfectly acceptable, and I was the one who had a problem.  To keep the peace, everyone else outwardly claimed to believe this narrative, and backed her up (though some quietly whispered that they knew I wasn't in the wrong).  

     This was not the only experience in which I've faced this.  So many times, I have seen people do wrong.  Then, when someone rightfully responds by confronting them, or even simply disagreeing with them, they turn it on that person, and claim that this person is selfish, needs to forgive and move on.  Is it true that people need to forgive and move on?  Yes.  But the person who inflicted the problem has no business insisting on that.  They are skipping an important step--making amends.  This involves acknowledging their wrong, and changing their behavior.  Even without an amends, should we forgive and move on?  Yes, but that doesn't mean we have to accept their abuse.  The abuser needs to be stopped.  They are completely refusing accountability, and that is a problem.  Rather than changing, they use the philosophy of "He who smelt it dealt it," to misdirect everyone.  Attention is off the wrongdoer and his sins, and everyone is blaming the victim (or whoever is trying to stop the person in the wrong).  

     I once heard a pastor say that all confrontation is sinful, and if you think someone is doing wrong, it really means you're the one doing it.  Do you realize how wrong that is if followed to its logical conclusion?  This would mean that if someone broke into my house, and I caught them in the act, called the police, pressed charges, and testified against them in court, I'm actually the one who was the burglar.  It would mean that if a police officer gave someone a ticket for speeding, the police officer was really the one speeding.  It would mean Winston Churchill and Franklin Roosevelt were really the ones causing the Holocaust because they fought against Hitler and his allies.  It would mean that the people in the World Trade towers on 9/11 were really the ones who flew the planes into the buildings.  This obviously isn't true.  It is a transparent smokescreen to avoid taking responsibility.  I believe this particular pastor used this philosophy to keep from being accountable to his congregation, and to keep people from being able to question him.  

      We know from the Bible that confrontation is not sinful.  One of the most famous examples of confrontation in the Old Testament was where Nathan confronted King David of his sin of adultery and murder (Second Samuel 12).  John the Baptist confronted Herod's sin (Luke 3:19).  Paul confronted Peter (Galatians 2:11-13).  In Matthew 18, Jesus gives some directions for doing confrontations among fellow Christians.  All of this should show us that confrontation is not sinful, nor is it an undue cause of disunity.  

     I often hear people accuse those who confront others of hypocrisy, saying to "take the plank out of your own eye."  This can be a misuse of that scripture (Matthew 7:5).  If I'm actively doing evil, but confront others for doing exactly what I'm doing, then this accusation fits.  But if someone wrongs me and I call them out on it, this claim that I need to take the plank out of my own eye doesn't hold water.  You don't have to be perfectly sinless in order to distinguish between right and wrong, and speak out when wrong has happened.  When Jesus said that the one without sin should cast the first stone (John 8:7), He didn't mean that only perfect people can point out sin.  He meant that we all deserve death, but His grace can save us, and lead us on to a better life in Him.  He told the one in sin in this scenario to go and sin no more (John 8:11).  People use these scriptures as weapons against anyone who dares get in the way of their power to do whatever they want and treat people however they want.  But they are wrong.  

     A particular relative of mine (with whom I have a difficult relationship) once said some very cruel things to me about a dear friend of mine.  I asked her to stop, and she refused, and continued with her uncalled for remarks.  I wordlessly walked away from her, and left the gathering we were at.  A few days later, she called, wanting to come to my place and do something fun.  I told her I would love that, but we needed to talk about the hurtful things she had said about my friend.  She went into a conniption fit, accusing me of hypocrisy, and how I needed to take the plank out of my eye, and how she wanted to commit suicide because of me, and how she wished I'd go to hell.  Interesting, how she had wanted to do something fun with me until I confronted her wrong behavior.  She wanted the freedom to be hurtful without being called to account, and for me to just enjoy being around her the next time.  It doesn't work that way.  The phone call ended badly.

     The reason this has all come to my mind is that my husband and I faced a similar situation.  I like to keep my political involvement separate from our mission work, and my writing, but there are times when these things converge.  We are involved in our county's Republican Party.  It is a very small part of our lives, but we deem it as important, because we want the children we share the Gospel with to continue having the liberties we as Christians enjoy.  We want to create the best conditions possible for the Gospel to go forth.  We want to do the best for our community and world in order to better fulfill the Great Commission.  There are Christians who are not politically involved.  And you know what?  That's okay.  People need to follow their divine calling from the Lord.  But they also shouldn't criticize others for their calling.  A lot of people criticize political involvement, and make a lot of statements that reveal a lot of ignorance on the real issues.  I am not called to be a gospel singer, but I am also not critical of those who are.  

Walter and me at a Christmas event with the county Party, December 2021

     Having explained that, Walter and I have enjoyed being on the county committee.  We have made many likeminded friends, almost all Christians, and some have even come alongside our ministry.  Recently, we had a state convention, and our committee took nominations and elected delegates to represent our county and vote at the state convention.  The election, which should have lasted two hours, tops, lasted nine hours, and we didn't leave until 2:30 the next morning.  The people who were threatened of losing power made it very difficult, and were verbally abusive to our chairwoman.  My husband and I were both nominated and elected as delegates.  Most of us who were elected were likeminded people with values formed on Biblical belief.  Most people in our county committee wanted those with our values to represent them.  But the "old guard" as we'll call them, fought us tooth and nail.  We had to vote three times, and they kept invalidating the election.  But at the very end, they didn't object to the results, and we all went home.  Three weeks passed with no complaint.  Then, two days before the convention, these people leveled a complaint that we had cheated.  They rendered us invalid as delegates.  There was a hearing the next day (the day before the convention), and we all showed up to testify as witnesses.  The "old guard" got there first and locked us out of the building.  They were threatening and nasty to us.  They had the police there (they claimed it was because they thought we would riot, but they were actually trying to intimidate us).  One of the officers was a friend of one of our delegates, and he later told him that the people inside the building were being very petty against us.  We prayed together as a group outside.  We were perfectly peaceful.  Our chairwoman was allowed in for five minutes, so it would look like they were being fair and letting our side speak.  They also let our lawyer (also an elected delegate) come in for five minutes and speak.  We waited out in the 101 degree heat.  Nothing was resolved.  

Picture of our delegation peacefully waiting outside in the heat.

     The next day, we went to the convention, in hopes that the other counties' delegates would vote to accept us in and dismiss the complaint.  Some of them knew what had been happening (having seen the video footage of us locked outside in the heat the day before), and they hugged us and told us they planned to vote for us.  It seems they saw us as heroes, which balanced out having the "old guard" and their ilk treat us like criminals.  We weren't even allowed inside the meeting room.  We waited in the hall until they decided, and at one point, we were shouted at to get out of the hall and go out into the lobby.  We complied respectfully.  My husband led everyone in prayer.  

My husband Walter leading in prayer.  At right in the coral outfit is our chairwoman Lorri, an incredible Christian woman and a great leader.

     We all thought our chairwoman and/or lawyer would be invited in to speak, but they were not.  The "old guard" in our county shared their side.  A few people spoke on our behalf, but before many could, we were told that the kibosh was put on that.  In the end, we lost by only a few votes.  This meant that our county had no representation at this event.  If we had been able to share firsthand what happened, I believe we would have easily made it in.  It was encouraging that, even with it clearly slanted against us, almost half the people there took our side.  Once it came out that we lost the vote, we were ordered off the premises.  Within 12 hours, all of us were getting messages from the other side, telling us we needed to put this behind us and get along with them and work together.  Sound familiar?  You can read a newspaper article about what happened here.

     I had gone through so much of this misdirection and manipulation on mission trips and in other circumstances, and so when this situation with the Party happened last week, I was very equipped with a response for those who tried this tactic.  Should we forgive?  Absolutely.  God has given me opportunities to be charitable toward those who did this.  I feel no anger or hatred.  I am not carrying a grudge.  But I also don't trust.  I refuse to be manipulated into pleasant compliance, when all we wanted in the first place was to serve all of them as delegates.  They took our rights as elected delegates away from us.  We can forgive, certainly, but we can't just forget about it.  It should also be noted that nobody asked for our forgiveness.  When I was eighteen, stuck in a foreign nation and being abused by a lunatic with no boundaries, I had no choice.  My voice was silenced.  But not now.  

     People need to be held accountable for their actions.  I have already shared biblically how this is the right thing to do.  It is actually showing the person love.  We are told in Proverbs 27:6, Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.  Likewise, Ephesians 4:15 says we should be speaking the truth in love... If the truth is that this person is in sin, so be it. There is nowhere in scripture where we are told to allow abuse.  We are never told to have unity at all costs.  We are never told to keep people happy. If someone is doing wickedly, whether it is abusing, manipulating, harming, or any other sin, we are told in First Corinthians 5 that Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.  This may sound drastic, but we should mourn sin, and remove those caught up in evil from us.  Why?  This chapter goes on to say To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.  It is for their ultimate good and eternal rewards.

     One day, every person will give an account to God.  Those who are saved will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ (Second Corinthians 5:10).  The unsaved will face God at the Great White Throne Judgment (Revelation 20:11-15).  For Christians, our deeds will not be the determination of whether we will make it to Heaven.  Our faith in the Death and Resurrection of Jesus Christ settled that for us.  But our deeds will determine our heavenly treasures.  We will face God, as a loving Father, and account for what we've done.  First Corinthians 3:12-15 says, Now if any man build upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble;  Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is.  If any man's work abide, which he hath built thereupon, he shall receive a reward.  If any man's work shall be burned, he shall suffer loss; but he himself shall be saved; yet so as by fire.  This passage is both sobering and comforting.  Sobering, because even Christians will face a level of judgment (though not condemnation).  Comforting, because nothing can take our salvation--and God sees all things, and will make it all right one day.  Those who have hurt you will be brought to account by God.  They will admit what they did was wrong.  They will face it.  Keep short accounts with God yourself!  Be accountable now!  Be honest with others, and especially with yourself.  Pray as David did, Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:23-24).  By all means, hold others accountable, and let them do the same for you.  No one is above that need!  If anyone ever tries to turn the tables on you and paint you as the villain because you lovingly and respectfully put down a boundary with them about their behavior toward you, they are the one with the problem, not you.  Run--don't walk--away from them as fast as you can go!  

     Remember, Liberty and Justice for all are beautiful ideals, but unless we apply them, and are willing to have them applied to us, they remain just that.  I'll close with a few comforting verse to those who have been treated unjustly, and then had the truth twisted by a manipulative person.  Proverbs 26:27, Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.  Luke 8:18, For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light.

Churches that Abuse

     "God has given every person a gift," the enthusiastic man in his early 40's told us earnestly.  "My gift is seeing into the future of what God is doing with this church!"  Everyone sat, mesmerized by this.  "God's will," he continued, "is for us to get that building, and to open a Christian school, and a college, and one day, a theme park!"  

     The year was 1994, and I was a student in the youth group.  Our church's pastor was a very personable, outgoing, optimistic man.  He had a way of making people feel he cared--and I think he really did, to a point.  But even as a young teen listening to him, I disbelieved him.  I was a critical thinker, and I had a hard time swallowing what he was saying.  I do believe God leads us, and sometimes gives us a sense of vision about what He is doing.  Isaiah 30:31 says, And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.  On the other hand, we are also told in First Thessalonians 5:21, but test everything; hold fast what is good.  Not every idea that pops into our minds is of God.  I also don't believe God gives anyone the gift of fortune-telling.  We're to trust God with the future, not try to predict.  Deuteronomy 18:10 warns, There shall not be found among you anyone who...tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer.  There appears to be a fine line at times between false predictions and legitimate godly prophecies.  But God gave us a way to tell the difference.  When a prophet speaketh in the name of the Lord, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the Lord hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.  (Deuteronomy 18:22).  Was this pastor making a false prediction, or was he divinely gifted to see what God was doing with the church?  The proof's in the pudding, as they say.

     Today, that church does not exist, nor has it for many years.  They never had the building they envisioned.  They never opened a school, college or theme park.  But this pastor took everyone for a ride for a while.  

     Worth noting, this church was not part of a denomination known for seeking signs or wonders.  They were part of a very straight-laced fellowship of churches.  This pastor's own theology was not outside the realm of orthodoxy.  And yet he made claims that were clearly not of God.  I never knew if he was overexcited with his own feelings, or if he was actually trying to deceive and manipulate.  I believe he started out in good faith, but got off-track somewhere.  A little while later, this pastor kicked my family out of the church, and then lied to others about us.  Others were kicked out in the months following, and we eventually compared stories.  The reason anyone seemed to get kicked out was because they became a threat to the pastor in some way.  Maybe they did ministry differently than he wanted it done.  Maybe they questioned him.  Maybe they disagreed with him, or weren't on the same page as him.  In the case of my family, it started when I (as a high school girl) led several second graders to Christ in Vacation Bible School.  The pastor was threatened by this, claiming I was too young to witness, and that I could be a liability to the church.  I have shared in other posts the way this affected me, and continues to affect me.

     It should be noted that none of the things he kicked any of us out for are biblical reasons to disfellowship a church member.  Matthew 18 gives a very clear pattern of how church discipline should be handled.  First, the offended party should go to the offender.  If it isn't resolved, he should take two others, and if that doesn't work, it goes before the church, and if the offender still won't repent, then, he or she is removed from fellowship.  This pastor did not carry it out in Matthew 18 fashion at all.  I bring all this up for a reason.  

     This week, I have been reading a book that hits very close to home for many.  This is Churches that Abuse, by Ronald M. Enroth.  This book is copyrighted 1992, and it tells the stories of many different high-control groups that have emerged in the name of Christianity.  Since this book came out thirty years ago, many more such groups have emerged, but very little changes.  The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.  (Ecclesiastes 1:9).  

     In reading this very interesting book, I was struck with a few things.  1) I was shocked by the disproportionate number of cult-like churches that have emerged in my home state of California, as opposed to the rest of the country (I won't be examining that further here, but I found that odd and interesting, although the author lives in California, so he may have had more access to cults there, which may have affected the number of Californian abusive churches he had access to and mentioned in the book).  2) Abusive churches are nothing new (there were nineteenth century examples in the book). 3)  Rational, intelligent people can be manipulated into high-control groups.  4) People stay in high-control groups, even after the fun is over, and have a very hard-time leaving.  5) This was the most sobering: While a lot of out-and-out cults were discussed, it was pointed out that even "normal" churches with regular Christian doctrine can become cult-like and abusive.  There is often good fruit that comes from these churches.  This leads to so much confusion in trying to separate the truth from error.  It certainly complicated my journey out of the abusive church I started talking about at the beginning.

     Why do good groups go bad?  How can we be discerning enough to avoid falling in with an abusive church?  

     One reason given in the book was that we, as humans, have a sort of need for heroes.  People to look up to.  We probably all have them.  People we view as the authority.  People we quote and agree with.  When I was growing up, my parents really respected Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the Family.  A lot of friends of mine through college revered missionary-martyr Jim Elliot, and his widow (who was still living at the time) Elisabeth Elliot, and would quote them.  A lot of my friends on Facebook today share quotes by R.C. Sproul, John Piper, and Alistair Begg.  My personal hero is Brother Andrew (who smuggled Bibles into the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War).  Every one of these people I mentioned is deserving of respect for what they have done for the kingdom, and we can learn a lot from them.  But we need to be very careful not to go too far.  Just because we like them doesn't mean we should unquestioningly agree with everything they ever said or did.  Most of these people wouldn't want us to do that.  We need to do our own thinking, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.  The people we admire are just like us.  They make mistakes.  They have their own hangups.  They might have a strong opinion about something, but then, upon further growth in their own lives, and deeper study of the Bible, come to draw a different opinion.  They are not God.  They are allowed to change their minds.  Besides all of that, these people have their own calling from the Lord that is distinct and different from yours.  We need to be careful about putting people on a pedestal.  A few times in the course of my life of ministry, I had people really thinking highly of me, and put me on a pedestal, and it made me very uncomfortable.  When you're someone's idol, all you can do is fail them.  Only Jesus can handle our worship.  But there is always someone wanting to test that.  Wanting to be your leader and hero, to have your unquestioned loyalty.  Though they would never say this, they want your worship and allegiance.  They want to be in control.  And we often give it to them.  This is very wrong, very dangerous, and sadly, very common.  

     Any leader who can't handle being disagreed with is someone to avoid.  Any leader who preaches more about their spiritual authority over you than about God is someone to avoid.  Any leader who spends the majority of his time complaining about others is someone to avoid.  Any leader who acts as if he is your mediator to God is someone to avoid.  In Jeremiah 31:34 gives a beautiful promise:  No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, declares the Lord...  This promise was kept when Jesus came to die for our sins and rise again, purchasing our redemption and right standing with God.  Hebrews 8:11 reiterates this promise.  All Christians have the Holy Spirit, the very presence of God dwelling in us.  We don't need a human mediator.  Jesus is that for us (First Timothy 2:5).  We have access to God, and don't need anyone else to give us that privilege.  Among humanity, there is no pecking order in God's kingdom, and no hierarchy.  We're all on an equal standing.  This is not to say that we don't need spiritual teachers and leaders.  It is only to say that the spiritual leader's place in your life has its limits.  They are not your pathway to God.  God can speak to you on His own.  If what a leader tells you bothers you, and doesn't give you a peace in your heart as you bring it before the Lord, listen to that uneasiness.  It very well may be the Holy Spirit.  Test it out.  

     About the church I attended as a young teen.  Some people who left after us were told by the leadership, "God will no longer be able to bless you if you leave our church."  The person who had this said to them had the wherewithal to recognize it as the baloney it was, and sarcastically asked, "Who are you, the Pope?"  It is scary to me that this church, which started out as a legitimate, Bible-teaching church, began to believe they were responsible for God being able to bless people.  Here are some things to watch out for...

     In examining a church, Bible study, or any other ministry group, look for a few things.  Are they teaching God's word?  Is the focus on Jesus Christ, or is it on the leader's agenda?  Are other Christians outside the group seen as fellow servants of the Lord, or are they considered inferior and less spiritual?  Does the leader welcome a diversity of convictions and opinions, or does he tell you what your convictions should be about things that are not spelled out in the Bible?  Does the group consume every aspect of your life, cutting you off from others who love you?  What is the good news this group proclaims?  Is it Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, or is it how great the group is?  Does the leader claim to have visions or words from the Lord that do more to promote him than to further God's kingdom?  Is the leader excommunicating people and telling others not to associate with them?  If excommunication is happening, is it being carried out according to Matthew 18, or is it arbitrary?  Does the leader welcome opposing thoughts, or is he threatened by them?  Are you allowed to question your leadership?  Here's a big one.  Are there checks and balances in the leadership?  Remember, absolute power corrupts absolutely.  Does the church or group have a board to whom the pastor/leader answers?  Or is there congregational authority the pastor/leader must answer to?  Even with these accountabilities in place, corruption can still happen, if the pastor has his yes-men in place as board members.  Is there oversight of a denomination or organization?  I am very wary of groups that claim to be independent.  Not that I think all independent groups are bad.  Some are wonderful.  I'm just very careful about trusting when there isn't any accountability.  

     In Healing and the Kingdom, missionary Paul G. Hiebert says, ...Satan often tempts us at the point of our greatest strengths.  His method is not to sell us rank heresy, but to take the good we have and distort it by appealing to our self-interests.  This is a warning to leaders to be very careful not to fall into the trap of the enemy.  In his book Narcissism Comes to Church, Christian therapist Chuck DeGrote points out that a disproportionate number of narcissists go into the ministry, as opposed to becoming doctors, schoolteachers, business owners, etc.  Think about it--aside from a divine calling of God, who else but a narcissist would want to speak for God every week and have that power in people's lives?  This is not to say that all, or even most, pastors are narcissists.  I want to believe most have that calling of God on their lives.  It is just a reminder that these people are out there.  They are wolves in sheep's clothing.  They will answer to God.  Meanwhile, we are to be thinking people.  We are to evaluate what people tell us.  We are to be careful about whom to trust.  We are to study God's word for ourselves (Second Timothy 2:15).  There is no finger-pointing at the judgment, saying, "So-and-so deceived me."  Jesus said it is our job not to be deceived (Matthew 24:4).  You are responsible for your soul. 

     Jesus is our Good Shepherd (John 10:11).  He loves you, and offers you freedom.  Any human leader you put yourself under should be exemplifying Jesus' attributes of love, kindness, self-sacrifice, and humility.  If your leader doesn't demonstrate these qualities, watch out.  I'll close with a few tips for staying in control of your life, and avoiding giving control to a leader.  

     1) Beware of groupthink.

     2) Maintain good friendships outside the church or group, and, if they are fellow-believers, refuse to think of them as inferior to those in your group.

     3) Expose yourself to Christians who hold different theological positions than you do about non-essential doctrines.  These people can truly enrich your life and keep you grounded.  

     4) Have a daily quiet time with the Lord, where you read the Bible, pray, and listen to the Holy Spirit.

     5) Make sure you are being held accountable in your own life by believers you trust, who sharpen you in the Lord.  

     6) Draw your conclusions about what you believe, and about your convictions, based on the Word of God, and what the Holy Spirit is laying on your heart in your own walk with Him, not on what a leader tells you to believe.  

    7) Last but not least, be honest always--with others, and especially yourself.  

When a Mentor Lets You Down

      Have you ever been blessed to have a mentor?  A leader, who speaks truth into your life, makes themselves available to you for help and support, and urges you to be at your best?  Or maybe you've been a mentor like that for someone else.  This kind of relationship can be such a blessing for both people.  The mentor often feels a sense of purpose, and a deep bond with the person they are mentoring.  The mentee has the security of this loving person who is there for them.  It can be beautiful.  But these relationships aren't perfect.  I have been a mentor and a mentee, and have seen from both sides the phenomena of what happens when a mentor lets the person they are discipling down.  It is painful for both parties.  What should we do with that?  I'm going to give some steps that aid in these relationships from the beginning, and give a sense of direction for when this breakdown happens.  

     1) Realistic Expectations  The first thing is to have realistic expectations of your mentor, from the beginning.  Your mentor is not God.  Your mentor is a person like you.  They are probably a little further along in the journey than you, which is what qualifies them to help.  They still have all the things that come with being human.  They have problems, strengths and weaknesses like everyone else has.  Realize this at the beginning.  If you are expecting perfection out of this person, you are setting both of you up for disappointment.  As the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:12, Not that I have already obtained this, or am already perfect...  This is true of your mentor as well.  

     2)  Give God the glory  Thank your mentor for his or her efforts into your life, but give God, not your mentor, the glory for the growth and outcomes.  Realize it is God at work in you.  For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13).   Your mentor is just a person God is choosing to use.  Note what Peter said when Cornelius tried to worship him in Acts 10:26, Stand up; for I myself also am a man.  Revelation 22:8-9 tells about John's reaction to meeting an angel, and the angel's response: I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things.  And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me.  But he said to me, "Don't do that!  I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll.  Worship God!" I think these scriptures illustrate that it is very easy for us to put the people God uses on a pedestal, but we really shouldn't.  Not only is it taking the glory from the One who really deserves it (God), but it also sets everyone up for disappointment, since these servants of the Lord will not be able to live up to those expectations over the long haul.  Remember, you are called to follow Jesus, not your mentor.  

     3)  Honor Healthy Boundaries  Have a respectful relationship with your mentor or mentee.  Call them at appropriate times.  This is where text and email are helpful, because they can reply when it is convenient for them.  Unless they have specifically given you permission, and unless it is an absolute emergency, refrain from calling them in the middle of the night or any other odd time.  Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing.  (Proverbs 27:14)  Your mentor won't enjoy having a call wake them up, or interrupting things in their life that are important to them.  If they have specifically told you they're not available at certain times, respect that.  As a mentor, I have had many different calls at all hours, and only one of those was ever justified (a teenager I was discipling at church called at 2am to tell me a friend who was spending the night was manifesting a demon--that was pretty urgent!).  Literally every other odd-hour call I ever received came off as self-centered and overly dependent on me, with no regard for my needs or feelings.  If you feel the need to call your mentor at these times, it might be a sign that you are too dependent on them, and not on God.  Remember, the mentor is a person too.  Honor his or her needs.  From the mentor's side, make sure you are clear with your mentee about when it is acceptable to call, and what the exceptions are.  Give other alternatives they can do if you aren't available.  Most importantly, point your mentee to God in the midst of crisis.  

     4)  Transfer dependence from the mentor onto God and yourself.  From the moment you begin a mentorship with someone, realize it is a process of learning from that person, and slowly loosening the grip, becoming less and less dependent on that person, and more dependent on God, and on your own ability to solve your problems with God's help.  If you are constantly needing to call this person, with no further ability to problem-solve or go to the Lord, it shows that the mentor is failing in the ultimate goal.  Every person, when given the chance, will eventually let you down.  This doesn't mean they will betray you in a major way.  But they simply can't be there for you every second.  They can't meet the needs of your heart in an all-encompassing way.  They won't always say exactly what you need to hear, or do what you'd like them to do.  Expecting that of them is unfair to both of you.  Instead, trust God.  Psalm 27:10 says, When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.  Additionally, multiple other verses in scripture admonish us to trust in the Lord, and remind us that He will never leave or forsake us.  Don't make an idol of your mentor, because they cannot possibly live up to that (plus, you will be breaking the first two commandments--Exodus 20:3-6).  

     5)  Watch the situation develop.   Have the mentorship set for a specific time period--six weeks, a year, the length of time it takes to complete a specific Bible study you're doing together--whatever you decide on.  Don't enter into it thinking that this mentorship will last the rest of your life.  That's not the idea.  Proverbs 25:17, Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you.  You might be friends with your mentor forever, but even that may or may not happen.  Keep in mind the whole time that things might develop differently than planned.  Let it be "organic" to borrow a trendy word.  If you--mentor or mentee--feels uncomfortable, or sees the relationship move in a different direction than you are able to work with, it is okay to end things and step away.  A Christian psychologist I listen to on the radio said you can fire your counselor--and that is true for mentors too.  Be honest with yourself at every encounter with your mentor/mentee.  When the person is usually wonderful to you, but has an off day, it is easy to dismiss it, but don't do that.  If they hurt you or made you uncomfortable, forgive them, but keep note of it.  If this becomes an ongoing pattern, there might come time to move on from that.  

     6) Thank your mentor.   When the time for this relationship is complete (the time is up, you've completed the study, you are moving on, etc.), write this mentor a thank-you note, expressing how much they have meant to you.  This will let them know how God has used them, and also graciously transition both of you into moving on.  

     I had a mentor years ago.  This Christian woman was used of God mightily in my life at a very important time.  I wouldn't be where I'm at in life now if it weren't for how God used her back then.  This mentor believed in me, and urged me onward in my Christian life.  She was a conduit of God's grace to me, perhaps more than any other person I've ever known.  She was one of the best friends I ever had.  I cherish the memories made.  I could share anything with her, and she would always listen.  Her advice was usually sound.  I liked the accountability she brought into my life.  After the time of our being close was over, I still hung onto this friendship with her.  She started to go some directions that weren't of the Lord.  I felt uncomfortable with her decisions, but I wasn't able to separate those things from the good she did in my life in the past.  My husband expressed concern about my holding onto that friendship, but I loosely kept in touch with her anyway (not against my husband's wishes, but with his caution).  I was being too loyal for my own good.  This person ended up having an opportunity to really hurt my husband and me.  I was wrong to hold on like I did.  I had even excused her sin in my mind.  Her period as my mentor was long over.  At this point, it is difficult for me to hold onto the good God did through her years ago, and simultaneously deal with the more recent difficulties in this relationship.  I choose to give that credit to Jesus for the good, and grieve the loss of this once-healing relationship.  This person is in God's hands.  God is still there for me.  

     I have also been the mentor.  There have been times I didn't know when or how to let go of my mentee, and when they were ready to move on, I felt sort of displaced.  Other times, I felt the mentee took advantage of me, and disrespected my boundaries, simply viewing me as a means to an end, rather than a friend who loved them.  Relationships are fragile at times, and can be heartrending.  But they're worth it.  People are always worth investing in.  They're worth loving.  They're worth praying for.  But only Jesus is worthy of worship and total allegiance.  Only Jesus is worth crying to at midnight when the rest of the world seems far away.  Only Jesus can comfort you deep in your heart.  Only Jesus understands your heart's cry and deepest needs.  Only Jesus is the solution.  Only Jesus is there to pick up the pieces when your mentor lets you down.  

     A good mentor will point you to Jesus, rather than let you be dependent on them.  I'll close with the words of Hebrews 12:2, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.