Have you ever been blessed to have a mentor? A leader, who speaks truth into your life, makes themselves available to you for help and support, and urges you to be at your best? Or maybe you've been a mentor like that for someone else. This kind of relationship can be such a blessing for both people. The mentor often feels a sense of purpose, and a deep bond with the person they are mentoring. The mentee has the security of this loving person who is there for them. It can be beautiful. But these relationships aren't perfect. I have been a mentor and a mentee, and have seen from both sides the phenomena of what happens when a mentor lets the person they are discipling down. It is painful for both parties. What should we do with that? I'm going to give some steps that aid in these relationships from the beginning, and give a sense of direction for when this breakdown happens.
1) Realistic Expectations The first thing is to have realistic expectations of your mentor, from the beginning. Your mentor is not God. Your mentor is a person like you. They are probably a little further along in the journey than you, which is what qualifies them to help. They still have all the things that come with being human. They have problems, strengths and weaknesses like everyone else has. Realize this at the beginning. If you are expecting perfection out of this person, you are setting both of you up for disappointment. As the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:12, Not that I have already obtained this, or am already perfect... This is true of your mentor as well.
2) Give God the glory Thank your mentor for his or her efforts into your life, but give God, not your mentor, the glory for the growth and outcomes. Realize it is God at work in you. For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13). Your mentor is just a person God is choosing to use. Note what Peter said when Cornelius tried to worship him in Acts 10:26, Stand up; for I myself also am a man. Revelation 22:8-9 tells about John's reaction to meeting an angel, and the angel's response: I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me. But he said to me, "Don't do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll. Worship God!" I think these scriptures illustrate that it is very easy for us to put the people God uses on a pedestal, but we really shouldn't. Not only is it taking the glory from the One who really deserves it (God), but it also sets everyone up for disappointment, since these servants of the Lord will not be able to live up to those expectations over the long haul. Remember, you are called to follow Jesus, not your mentor.
3) Honor Healthy Boundaries Have a respectful relationship with your mentor or mentee. Call them at appropriate times. This is where text and email are helpful, because they can reply when it is convenient for them. Unless they have specifically given you permission, and unless it is an absolute emergency, refrain from calling them in the middle of the night or any other odd time. Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing. (Proverbs 27:14) Your mentor won't enjoy having a call wake them up, or interrupting things in their life that are important to them. If they have specifically told you they're not available at certain times, respect that. As a mentor, I have had many different calls at all hours, and only one of those was ever justified (a teenager I was discipling at church called at 2am to tell me a friend who was spending the night was manifesting a demon--that was pretty urgent!). Literally every other odd-hour call I ever received came off as self-centered and overly dependent on me, with no regard for my needs or feelings. If you feel the need to call your mentor at these times, it might be a sign that you are too dependent on them, and not on God. Remember, the mentor is a person too. Honor his or her needs. From the mentor's side, make sure you are clear with your mentee about when it is acceptable to call, and what the exceptions are. Give other alternatives they can do if you aren't available. Most importantly, point your mentee to God in the midst of crisis.
4) Transfer dependence from the mentor onto God and yourself. From the moment you begin a mentorship with someone, realize it is a process of learning from that person, and slowly loosening the grip, becoming less and less dependent on that person, and more dependent on God, and on your own ability to solve your problems with God's help. If you are constantly needing to call this person, with no further ability to problem-solve or go to the Lord, it shows that the mentor is failing in the ultimate goal. Every person, when given the chance, will eventually let you down. This doesn't mean they will betray you in a major way. But they simply can't be there for you every second. They can't meet the needs of your heart in an all-encompassing way. They won't always say exactly what you need to hear, or do what you'd like them to do. Expecting that of them is unfair to both of you. Instead, trust God. Psalm 27:10 says, When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. Additionally, multiple other verses in scripture admonish us to trust in the Lord, and remind us that He will never leave or forsake us. Don't make an idol of your mentor, because they cannot possibly live up to that (plus, you will be breaking the first two commandments--Exodus 20:3-6).
5) Watch the situation develop. Have the mentorship set for a specific time period--six weeks, a year, the length of time it takes to complete a specific Bible study you're doing together--whatever you decide on. Don't enter into it thinking that this mentorship will last the rest of your life. That's not the idea. Proverbs 25:17, Let your foot be seldom in your neighbor’s house, lest he have his fill of you and hate you. You might be friends with your mentor forever, but even that may or may not happen. Keep in mind the whole time that things might develop differently than planned. Let it be "organic" to borrow a trendy word. If you--mentor or mentee--feels uncomfortable, or sees the relationship move in a different direction than you are able to work with, it is okay to end things and step away. A Christian psychologist I listen to on the radio said you can fire your counselor--and that is true for mentors too. Be honest with yourself at every encounter with your mentor/mentee. When the person is usually wonderful to you, but has an off day, it is easy to dismiss it, but don't do that. If they hurt you or made you uncomfortable, forgive them, but keep note of it. If this becomes an ongoing pattern, there might come time to move on from that.
6) Thank your mentor. When the time for this relationship is complete (the time is up, you've completed the study, you are moving on, etc.), write this mentor a thank-you note, expressing how much they have meant to you. This will let them know how God has used them, and also graciously transition both of you into moving on.
I had a mentor years ago. This Christian woman was used of God mightily in my life at a very important time. I wouldn't be where I'm at in life now if it weren't for how God used her back then. This mentor believed in me, and urged me onward in my Christian life. She was a conduit of God's grace to me, perhaps more than any other person I've ever known. She was one of the best friends I ever had. I cherish the memories made. I could share anything with her, and she would always listen. Her advice was usually sound. I liked the accountability she brought into my life. After the time of our being close was over, I still hung onto this friendship with her. She started to go some directions that weren't of the Lord. I felt uncomfortable with her decisions, but I wasn't able to separate those things from the good she did in my life in the past. My husband expressed concern about my holding onto that friendship, but I loosely kept in touch with her anyway (not against my husband's wishes, but with his caution). I was being too loyal for my own good. This person ended up having an opportunity to really hurt my husband and me. I was wrong to hold on like I did. I had even excused her sin in my mind. Her period as my mentor was long over. At this point, it is difficult for me to hold onto the good God did through her years ago, and simultaneously deal with the more recent difficulties in this relationship. I choose to give that credit to Jesus for the good, and grieve the loss of this once-healing relationship. This person is in God's hands. God is still there for me.
I have also been the mentor. There have been times I didn't know when or how to let go of my mentee, and when they were ready to move on, I felt sort of displaced. Other times, I felt the mentee took advantage of me, and disrespected my boundaries, simply viewing me as a means to an end, rather than a friend who loved them. Relationships are fragile at times, and can be heartrending. But they're worth it. People are always worth investing in. They're worth loving. They're worth praying for. But only Jesus is worthy of worship and total allegiance. Only Jesus is worth crying to at midnight when the rest of the world seems far away. Only Jesus can comfort you deep in your heart. Only Jesus understands your heart's cry and deepest needs. Only Jesus is the solution. Only Jesus is there to pick up the pieces when your mentor lets you down.
A good mentor will point you to Jesus, rather than let you be dependent on them. I'll close with the words of Hebrews 12:2, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.
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