Dying to Self

      What could I say or do?  What can I ever say or do?  I think the problem might be me.  Something wrong and dark inside my soul that I didn't know was there.  But what's really wrong with me?  All I try to do every day is die to self for the sake of God and others.  But it doesn't change anything.  -Taken from my journal, summer of 2000 while on a mission trip to Africa.

Children we taught in a Bible Club in Luanshya, Zambia, summer of 2000

     The above is taken from my journal from the hardest summer of my life.  I have alluded to this summer many times, in many posts.  What made it so difficult was that I expected it to be the best summer I ever had, and it turned out to be the opposite of what I hoped and dreamed.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick... Proverbs 13:12.  

     The mission trip had started at mission headquarters in the Midwest.  There had been twenty-nine of us young adults, going to eleven different nations.  I had expected to make the best friends of my life at training.  I figured we'd all be likeminded, wanting to serve the Lord.  I was considering going into career missions, and knew that it would be wonderful fellowship with other people my age who were making the same decisions about life.  Unfortunately, training ended up being the first disappointment of the summer.  I experienced some sexual harassment from a young man there (going to a different country than me).  I had initially been interested, but he came on way too strong in several ways, culminating in an embarrassing advance the last night before we flew out to our countries.  That left me in so much confusion.  After I rejected his advances that night, he acted extremely hurt and ashamed, and wouldn't even look at me after that, which was hard, because if he hadn't been so extreme, I would have been very interested in a relationship.  I was very shaken up by this.  Other students acted like it was all my fault, that this guy was just nice and sweet, and I had misread him.  It made me question and doubt myself, and feel crazy.  It seemed like this guy and those around us thought my only purpose was to bring him pleasure, as if I had no needs or worth of my own apart from that.  That made me feel sick to my stomach.  

Our team doing a Bible Club in the United States during training prior to leaving for Zambia. I covered my teammates faces.  I am in the middle, with the curly auburn hair, which I had cut short for the trip.

     But then, my team left for Zambia. 

     There were four of us on the Zambia team.  Rachel* and Mary* (names changed) were sweet, and really were there to serve the Lord.  Kelsie* was another story.  A few months before the trip, we had gotten each other's contact info, and I had written to each of them.  I had really hit it off with Rachel and Mary, but Kelsie's letters had been a little harder to relate to.  One of the things she shared in a letter was that her favorite hobby was pulling pranks on people.  I was not yet ready to accept that I would be spending my summer with someone who had no boundaries, and to whom nothing was sacred, so I told myself that surely, when she said she liked to pull pranks, she was talking about whoopee cushions and joy buzzers, and silly things like that.  In the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn't be that innocuous, but I just wasn't open to seeing the possibilities of what Kelsie could be.  

     Not only did Kelsie make the situation with the inappropriate young man much worse by spreading rumors and obnoxious teasing, but she crossed any conceivable boundary that could have existed between us.  She nagged incessantly, and destroyed a pair of my shoes.  She disagreed with every statement I made, and self-righteously preached at me.  Disagreeing with her in any way was costly.  The price of doing something the way I wanted (as opposed to the way she ordered me to do it), setting down a boundary, or asking her to stop doing something rude to me was humiliation, and a lot of trouble.  When she didn't like the Bible verses I used in my teaching, she would move the bookmarks in my Bible.  

     One time, while in Africa, she didn't like the way I was peeling potatoes, and she started ordering me to do it some other way that she felt it should be done.  I told her that if it was important to her, maybe she should do it.  She told me, and I quote, "No!  I want you to do it, but I want you do it the way I say!"  No subtlety.  I was annoyed, and I stood up to meet her gaze.  "Look," I said, but before I could say another word, she screamed at the top of her lungs and ran out of the room.  I was furious and just left.  In my rage, I ran around the small Zambian town all afternoon, blowing off steam (and getting quite a workout).  In the craziness of my emotions, I had completely irrational thoughts of running home to America!  In a slightly calmer moment, I remembered that then-President Clinton was in Zambia, meeting with the Zambian President Frederick Chiluba.  Maybe he could take me home on Air Force 1!  As I say, I was only slightly calmer when I thought that.  The end of that story was, I finally returned to our host house, and found out that Kelsie was claiming to be scared I was going to physically assault her with the butter knife I was using the peel the potato.  Ri-i-i-i-ight!  

The house we stayed in while serving in Zambia.  This was a duplex, and we stayed in one half with our host family.  Another missionary family stayed in the other side.

     All summer was filled with Kelsie sabotaging and attacking every word I said.  I couldn't engage in pleasant conversation with others, because she would find something to pounce on, in even the most basic statements.  It got to the point that I never spoke when I wasn't doing the ministry.  I was silent while we were all together in the evening.  Sometimes I would pretend to be asleep in our room so she would have to leave me alone.  It was my only escape.

     She once made a false statement about my home state.  I simply told her that her statement was incorrect.  She started screaming bloody murder again, and our host family came running.  As soon as they were there, she burst into tears and exclaimed how I was accusing her of lying.  She played the part of a hurt and misunderstood little girl, and our hosts totally bought it.  They hugged her and told her she needed to forgive me) and I can tell you I never wanted to commit murder more in my life than I did at that moment).  

An AWANA club we taught while there.  These children were precious, and made all the hardships that summer worth it.

     So, getting back to the journal entry I started with, what had just happened before I wrote it?  We were walking through town to our Bible Club.  We passed a beautiful stone building that looked like a church.  I asked our interpreter about it, and she told me it belonged to a group that mixed Christianity with animistic beliefs.  I said, "It's too bad that beautiful church isn't being used for the truth," or something along those lines.  Kelsie couldn't let that go, and went into a rebuking sermon about how those people probably loved Jesus and I was just passing judgment on them, blah, blah, blah.  It wasn't worth it to say anything.  But no one stopped her tirades against me, which was why I had to give up speaking.  

    I once heard a psychologist say that every human being has a certain number of words they need to say every day, and if they don't get the right amount of words said, they feel that sense of needing to get it out, and if they are required to speak more than their allotted number, they become drained.  I've experienced both extremes in my life, but that summer, I definitely struggled with not being able to talk enough.  I took to journaling all the time, and Kelsie couldn't leave that alone either.  She would follow me and say that I was addicted to writing, and ask me, "Are you at your writer's anonymous meeting?" 

Monkeys who stole our lunch!

Victoria Falls (on the Zambia and Zimbabwe border)

The bridge connecting Zambia (at the left) to Zimbabwe (right)

     One particular day, while we were walking in another nearby city, two men ran out to us and grabbed me.  They publicly molested me right there in broad daylight, feeling my body, putting their hands where they didn't belong.  I screamed and kicked, trying to get them off of me.  Kelsie just laughed and took pictures.  If I ever run for President or something, those pictures will probably come out of the woodwork and appear in some tabloid somewhere.  Our host came up and started shouting at them in Bemba, and they dropped me and ran.  I was physically shaking, and Kelsie asserted,  "They went for Janelle because she has the most fear!"  That was another moment when murder didn't seem far-fetched to me.  I was given no time to cope with this.  I was physically shaking and terrified, as well as humiliated.  While I hadn't been raped, I am sure that was their intent, and the beginnings of that had happened.  I had been violated.  And Kelsie thought it was funny.  In case I didn't emphasize this, she was a really terrible person.  I was expected to just go on as if nothing unusual had happened.  I had to teach a Bible Club minutes after being accosted (possibly almost kidnapped and raped) on the street.  

     The times I really stood my ground with Kelsie and tried to get my power back, she made such terrible fusses that everyone blamed me for making her mad.  Her sin was my fault.  

     So what did I do about this?  From my journal entry, it is clear that I felt I couldn't do much,  I felt like a prisoner of war, and that is almost accurate.  I was stuck in a third-world country with no means of communication with those who loved me other than airmail (which took three weeks).  Our time commitment in Zambia was six long weeks, and when that time was just starting, I really felt trapped, as if the weeks just stretched on into forever.  Like many POW's in movies, I made a tally mark every day, because doing it made me feel like I was getting closer to being home.   During that time, I had an unusual ability I no longer have.  I was able to separate my mind from the horrors of the moment, and instead turn on happy memories from my life and relive them as if they were really happening, or playing favorite movies in my mind as if I were really watching them.  It seemed so real.  I "watched" The Sound of Music a lot that summer.  It showed me that these things made their way into my memory, because I really don't believe I could quote a whole movie, but it was all stored away when I needed it.

     In all of this, I also felt like I had to die to self.  If I did all the right things, this problem would stop happening to me.  If I was so sanctified in the Lord, I wouldn't feel the pain.  I would just let her abuse me without feeling it anymore.  Jesus suffered the abuse of those who crucified Him.  If I was called to follow Him, I should be just like Him.  Meek and loving in the face of evil.  But since I didn't feel loving toward Kelsie, it proved I needed to die to self more, right?  WRONG!

     So many things we say and believe are inaccurately applied.  Pastor and author Andrew Farley explains what this teaching really means.  The phrase "die to self" is nonexistent in any New Testament letter...You're not going to find that expression in Matthew, Mark or Luke or John, or any of the epistles or in the entirety of the Bible in fact.  The phrase "die to self" is nonexistent.  The closest thing to that is that your old self died, and we find that in Romans 6.  Your old self died and was buried, and your new self was raised in newness of life through the co-crucifiction, co-burial and co-resurrection with Christ that you experienced at salvation.  That's why the prhase "die to self" isn't going to be found in any New Testament letter.  Paul isn't going to tell you to kill yourself spiritually because he knows you're the new self and he doesn't want you to kill the new self.  And Peter, James and John are not going to say it either, because they know you are a new creation and you don't need to kill yourself if you're the new self.  

     According to this teaching, I didn't need to die to self more while I was on that trip.  I didn't need to let that new creation person that I was (am) become less that what I was meant to be.  It wasn't God's plan for me to stop feeling the sting of pain from what was happening.  It wasn't God's will for Kelsie to sin so colossally against not only me but our whole team.  Letting her sin wasn't fulfilling any spiritual calling.  

     But wait, didn't Jesus say to deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Him in Matthew 16:24? Yes He did, but denying oneself isn't the same as dying to self.  Even so, Andrew Farley addresses that as well.  He makes the argument that denial of self also happened at our salvation.  Christ's righteous keeping of the law was placed on us, and our sin was put on the cross of Christ.  Positionally, we are perfect in Him, and don't need to "die" to self.  We are to thrive as the person He crated us to be.  Farley says that Jesus' words in Matthew 16:24 about denying oneself are evangelistic to unbelievers, not a command to Christians. Farley says, Don't deny yourself.  Be yourself.  God says you're a new creation. You've died with Jesus.  You're spiritually awesome!  You're the new self!  Don't deny that!  He goes on to say that you are not your own opponent.  The battle is against the unrenewed mindsets and old perspectives, but as Christians, we are not those things.  He references Galatians 2:20, I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.  In other words, don't be down on yourself.  Jesus has saved you!  You have died to sin and are alive to Christ!  Farley points out that the unsaved people out in the world primarily see themselves as good people, and they are wrong.  But he adds that Christians often see themselves as so bad, and they are also wrong.  The battle has already been won, and the victory is ours! (I'll leave the link Andrew Farley's blog below).

     What an encouragement.  I wish so badly I had known that during my summer in Zambia.  I wish I hadn't been so down on myself for other people's sin (though I had a lot of help being down on myself, since everyone else blamed me too).  Being that much more like Jesus wouldn't have made Kelsie turn into a better person toward me.  She needed to be renewed.  She needed to be claiming that new self she purported to be, and fighting in her battle against unrenewed mindsets and old perspectives.  The same is true with the young man who had harassed me back at training.  He needed to demonstrate that new self he claimed to be.  I didn't cause either of them to sin.  I was there to serve the Lord, and I did!  I was able to lead many children to Christ that summer.  Likewise my alleged fear (as Kelsie claimed) wasn't what made those two men molest me on the streets.  It was their sin.  They likely were not the new self at all, so they have a much bigger problem.  I didn't cause any of this.  I didn't need to die more.  I needed to live!  

     I will also make a point about Jesus' surrendering Himself to death.  He didn't just allow sin and abuse.  Quite often in his earthly ministry, He spoke boldly against that.  In the crucifiction, He laid down His life for us.  That was His goal and objective, and He was completely successful.  He forgave his killers, but He didn't invest in them or try to become their friends after His resurrection.  We are never taught in scripture to become good friends with our enemies.  We are told to love them (Luke 6:27), and leave revenge up to God (Romans 12:19), but never to throw out our human dignity trying to befriend them.  Allowing people to sin unchecked isn't being loving.  Avoiding confrontations in order to keep from offending the offender is not godly or spiritual.  If Kelsie couldn't handle being asked to stop overstepping bounds, she wasn't mature enough to be on a mission trip of that caliber.  She didn't care about people.  She cared about being in control.  Our host family were not discerning enough to know the truth of what was going on.  My other teammates were too uncomfortable to help me stand up to her, though Mary did try to help, and I know God will reward her for it.  

     God works all things for good, and I know I grew immensely in the Lord that summer, because He was literally all I had.  I also did some of my best writing during that time, and most of my fiction came from what was developed there.  

     This well-intentioned but false teaching of dying to self has many "cousin" teachings, such as the idea of giving preference to others.  This teaching is found in Romans 12:10 (the New King James uses the words ...giving preference to one another.).  I have seen this one used to allow abusive people to continue in their sin, but that is not what this verse is teaching.  Paul is writing to Christian people, and urging all of them to unselfishly think of others.  If everyone does that, it will be great!  If one person does it, but someone else is abusive, but then uses that verse to manipulate their victim to keep allowing it, that is way beyond anything scripture teaches.  Another teaching is to examine yourself.  Yes, we should examine ourselves, but every time a person wrongs us, it doesn't mean we someone did wrong and need to repent.  We should always be open to the Holy Spirit's conviction.  David wrote in Psalm 139:23-24, Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  This reveals an openness to God's speaking to us about ourselves.  But again, everyone should do it, not just the victim of someone else's abuse.  The abuser should be doing the same, and accepting the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  Always having to be right and never admitting to being wrong is a sign of real weakness, not strength.  Telling someone to examine himself or herself is often used as a smokescreen to get attention away from the real wrongdoer.  I find joy and solace when the Holy Spirit really does speak to me, gently prodding me to make something right, because it means He is at work in me.  That is a great comfort.  

     If you are a Christian, don't die!  Live!  Live in the victory Christ won for you!  It's yours today!  

     

Andrew Farley's blog: https://andrewfarley.org/highlights/must-you-die-to-self-every-day/?utm_campaign=2306&utm_medium=email&utm_source=mailchimp&utm_content=radiohighlight