That I May Know Him

  I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. Psalm 37:25

     As I write this in 2024, I am not yet a senior citizen.  I consider myself middle-aged, though many in my age bracket resent the term.  I'm in my 40s.  My supposed generation (if you are into all that) is Xennial--we're not quite GenX nor are we quite Millennials.  We're right on the cusp of both, but don't really fit either.  We were 80's kids and 90's teenagers, and the very first adults of the 21st century.  Some would still consider me young, while others have gasped "You were born in the 1900's?  And you even went to high school in the 1900's?"  I embrace being middle-aged, and the very best thing about it is that faith has been tested, and passed the test.

     When I was in my 20's, faith was harder (not that it's simple now, but it is easier).  Back then, I think of how tight money was, and then my landlord would raise the rent.  Or my car would need a major repair I wasn't prepared for.  Or I would face severe opposition in my ministry--sometimes things I had no frame of reference for.  Other times, I faced rejection, and didn't know how to take it or move on from it.  Do similar things happen now?  Yes!  But I learned a lot from the early versions of these problems.  

     Wrestling with these circumstances left me with questions.  Was God enough for me?  Could I count on Him to come through?  Would He do what He said He would?  Was that still, small voice in my heart really the Holy Spirit guiding me, as I believed (and still believe), or was it just my own imagination, as several zealous followers of a certain San Fernando Valley theologian claimed?  I was given so much to wade through and wrestle with.  I chose to live by faith, because I figured that if I erred, I'd rather err on the side of trusting God.  If I was abdicating my own responsibility in any way, I figured God would show me this, and at least honor the fact that I was trying to obey Him.  I thought this was better than erring on the side of doing it all myself.  As a result of this choice of faith, I have so much to look back on from times God came through for me, met my needs, provided, and ministered to me. 

     When I think of myself in my 20's, I think of one of my heroes of the faith, Brother Andrew (1928-2022), who smuggled Bibles into the Soviet Union during the Cold War, and later ministered to Christians in Islamic nations.  In his 1964 book God's Smuggler (which is one of my favorite books), he talks about a time in his young adult life, when he was attending a missionary school in Scotland.  He was wrestling with some of the things I did in my 20's.  How seriously could he take God?  He was already saved, so these weren't salvation questions, but he wondered, was living out his Christian life just a set of rules to be followed until he got to Heaven, or was it more than that?  Was God a real Person who wanted an intimate relationship with him in the day to day stuff?  Did God really guide and provide, or was that his responsibility?  Was the prompting in his heart God, or himself?  Have you ever asked yourself these questions?  

     Andrew called this time of wrestling "The Game of the Royal Way" because God is our king, and when God led and provided, He did it in a kingly way.  In his "Game of the Royal Way" Andrew faced several tests in which he had to trust God's provision and guidance, or all would have been lost.  In one instance, he and some friends from missionary college were out doing evangelism throughout Scotland.  They promised the students they were evangelizing that if they came the next day, they would serve them refreshments.   But there was a problem.  They didn't have any food, nor did they have the needed money to buy it, but in the mail that very day, Andrew received a package with a beautiful chocolate cake in it, just the right size to serve to their guests.  Another time, Andrew needed stamps to mail a letter to the British labor union, or order to remain in the UK to continue his time at the school.  He took the problem to God, and told God that if He didn't provide the money to buy the stamps, he would know it was His will for him to return to his previous job.  At the very last minute, Andrew was given a letter from a friend, and inside was enough money to buy the needed stamps.  This time of testing and wrestling became the basis for how Andrew did his ministry.  He had tested his faith, and passed.  

     My young adult life faced similar tests.  I'll never forget the time a friend of mine was going on a "secret" mission trip to China.  She sent out support letters, and I knew in my heart God wanted me to send her my last $20.  That's how broke I was.  My bills were all paid, I had the gasoline to get where I needed for the week, I mostly had food, and I got my next paycheck pretty soon, but I really needed that $20 to get me through that week, especially with a few extra groceries.  "Okay, Lord," I said.  "I'll send her the $20, but You know I need it.  If this is your will, please pay me back."  And I mailed my friend the $20.  The next day in the mail, my old youth pastor from high school had sent me a letter with a gift card to Albertsons (the grocery store around the corner from my apartment), and a note, saying God had led him to send this to me.  The gift card was for $20.  On top of that, my friend "illegally" but God-honoringly led a Chinese college student to the Lord during the trip.  

     Another time, my car was at the very end of its rope.  I was driving to meet a friend for lunch, and about a mile from the restaurant, the car breathed its last and broke down.  But it broke down right beside a mechanic shop.  What are the odds?  I had a feeling God was in this, so I cruised the dying car into the driveway and dropped it off with the manager.  He promised to look at it.  Well, that was one problem solved, but how would I get to my friend for lunch?  This was before cell phones were terrible common (I had an emergency one, but she and I didn't call each other on cell phones).  How would I get word to her that I would be late?  I looked up just then, and a bus was pulling up right at the curb!  I ran to it, hopped on, and paid the fee that would take me a mile up the road, to our restaurant, right on time.  But it gets better.

     As I hopped off the bus, my friend was pulling up, and I told her what was going on.  She promised to drive me back to the mechanic after lunch.  While we were eating, I got a call on my emergency cell from the shop, saying my car was beyond repair.  Well, at least I didn't have to pay for a repair...but what would I do?  I needed a car.  My friend told me her husband bought cars for scrap.  We called him, and he said that he would give me $100 more than the junkyard would offer me, so I called the junkyard, and found out what their price was, then called my friend's husband back.  This was all great, but still, what would I do about getting a vehicle?  

     Within minutes, my emergency cell rang again, and it was a relative, who knew nothing about my situation.  She offered to give me her extra car, because they were downsizing and only wanted one car!  The verse that kept going through my mind in all of this was Isaiah 55:12, For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.  God was on my side, and everything was working out!  I was able to get this vehicle, register it in my name, and felt great...for a few days.  

     On my way home from work the next week, someone ran a stoplight and T-boned me, totaling both of our cars!  No one was hurt, but I thought, God, what's going on?  You gave me this vehicle miraculously!  Why did this have to happen?  But there was a blessing.  Because it was totaled, I was given a check from the other driver's insurance to buy another vehicle, and I was able to get one that was even better, and lasted longer than the first one would have!  God used that experience to provide and reveal Himself to me!   And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

     With these (and many more) experiences behind me in my life, I have come to know God through living out the Christian life, and seeing His care, provision, and guidance.  It's like Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10, That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death. I know Jesus through having had some of these difficulties that He helped me through.  But also, as Paul wrote a few verses later (12), Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.  I haven't arrived, nor will I until Heaven, but I can look back on God's faithfulness in my life, and can be encouraged when things happen now.  When I compare the worry and dread I felt 20+ years ago to the confidence I feel now when uncertainties happen, I know God has taught me through the school of life.  These truths I had learned from the Bible weren't just for Moses, or David, or the Apostle Paul.  They're for me!  And for you!  And every believer!

Reflectively looking out at the ocean in my early 30's, photo taken by my husband Walter

     Did people in the Bible have these kinds of things to look back on?  Think of the children of Israel, how God delivered them from Egypt, parted the Red Sea for them but drowned their enemies, provided food and water in the desert, didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out...those are all things they could look back on and remember God's faithfulness to them.  In First Samuel 17, young David remembered how God had helped him defeat a lion and bear, and as a result, trusted God to help him defeat Goliath.  The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine. (verse 37).  Our experiences with the Lord build that trust in Him.  God is no longer just a theological concept, but our very real Father, active in our world and lives.  His Holy Spirit in  the hearts of His children gives us the guidance and faith we need.  

     What are some experiences you've had that taught you faith in God?  How has your faith become sight (in a sense) through these circumstances?  

     I will close with First Peter 1:7, which speaks of this.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 

Chemistry

      Have you ever met someone and you just clicked?  Things they said resounded with you, and vice versa.  You shared a good rapport.  With some people, you just have good chemistry.  

     First Samuel 18:1 recounts, After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.  Their friendship and loyalty are reiterated in further passages.  While some have read homosexuality into this, I believe that is poor scholarship, and there is quite enough evidence that David liked women.  I believe this verse just shares how David and Jonathan met and become fast friends. 

      I remember meeting my friend Jill the day we arrived at ministry institute years ago.  As soon as we met that first day as we unpacked in our dorms, it was as if we just connected, and the friendship thrived our entire time there.  We were instant best friends.  I think that's what David and Jonathan experienced.  Jill and I were very good friends as young college students and starting out in ministry, and our friendship flourishes today (though she's in Illinois and I'm in Arkansa, so we don't get to see each other in person often).  Some people are just on your wavelength.  Jill is certainly not the only person in my life with whom I have shared this connection.  She's just the first example I used.  

Jill and Janelle at Institute, 2002

     Chemistry can be completely platonic, as in the examples I've already shared, but they can be romantic, or even seem romantic when they really aren't.  I had a few boyfriends prior to meeting my husband, and with two in particular, there was a strong, almost overpowering chemistry, which made it hard to let these relationships go.  We shared that strong David-and-Jonathan rapport, on top of a romantic attraction.  That's powerful stuff.  That's partly why ending relationships--romantic as well as friendships--is so hard.  When your soul has collided with someone else's, its hard to disconnect.  When a relationship needs to end (such as the boyfriends I didn't end up married to, or past friendships that were unhealthy), only God can help us to move on.  

     When I met my husband Walter at a party, we started talking, and suddenly looked up and four hours had passed and the party was over!  The chemistry between us kept us engaged, and we didn't even notice the passing of time or what was going on around us!  I love that story!  A few nights later, he called me, and we talked three hours, and only ended the call because I had to work in the morning and needed to get some sleep!  Our first date (a few days after the call), we talked in a restaurant until it was closing time and the manager had to nicely ask us to leave.  We then continued the conversation in the car.  We just had that chemistry.  That connection.  We still do.  We talk at night, and it's hard to tear ourselves away and go to bed.  He is truly my best friend, and I love that.  

A recent picture of us

     In solid friendships and a healthy marriage, chemistry is a gift form God.  It certainly was for David and Jonathan's friendship.  But chemistry alone can deceive in the wrong situations.  What if you met someone besides your spouse that you felt a chemistry with?  Some people have taken this as a reason to divorce their spouse and go with this new person, which is clearly not godly or biblical.  This is why people hold onto their high school sweetheart in their mind as "the one who got away" and fantasize about this person, instead of moving forward in life.  They might marry someone else, but they kind of hold onto this past relationship, remembering and reliving the chemistry, and maybe even spying on them online to see where they are now.  We often act as if this chemistry we feel with someone is the determination of truth, or more powerful than our choices or ability to do right.  A person may use this as a reason not to deny themselves, taken up their crosses, and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24).  The Bible is clear that we are to move forward.  Philippians 3;13 urges, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.  Sometimes, people are in your past and not your present for a reason.  A really good Christian movie about this topic is the 2008 film Me & You, Us, Forever.  I'll put a link to watch the movie free online at the end, if you're interested.  

     What if your chemistry with an unhealthy friend who is bringing you down causes you to remain in the friendship, and leads you to bad places?  I believe chemistry can happen with anyone, but people misread it.  I have known of people who were in heterosexual marriages, but met a friend of the same sex they shared a deep chemistry with, and they decided they must be gay and left their marriage to be with this friend.  Chemistry doesn't mean sexual desire, though in a biblical marriage, it can certainly be part of that.  Chemistry doesn't mean your connection to the person is right or good, nor does it mean it is necessarily wrong.  It's what you do with it.  Chemistry has led to lifelong friendships, beautiful marriages, and close families.  It has also led to extramarital affairs, codependency, dysfunction, experimenting with unbiblical relationships, and teachers and students having inappropriate relationships.  Be wise.  Be guided by the Holy Spirit.  Just because there's chemistry doesn't mean the connection is of God, or right for you.  

     God knows we need friendships.  God knows we need chemistry with other people.  He designed that, and we can trust Him to bring us those relationships that He knows we need.  Philippians 4:19 promises, But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.  If God has removed a relationship from your life, it may be because He knows it isn't the best for you anymore.  

     Years ago, I had a mentor who was used miraculously of God in my life.  I loved her, and would have done anything she said.  I'm not usually very easy to control or sway, but the chemistry I shared with this wiser woman had a lot of power over me.  I'm ashamed of that now.  For a long time, the relationship was godly, and Christ-honoring.  I learned and grew so much, and I wouldn't be where I am now without that time being mentored by her.  But there came a point when this woman started making unbiblical choices.  I was very uncomfortable, but I didn't have the strength to confront her, because of that hold she had on me.  I eventually did speak the truth to her, but it took a long time, and was very hard, because the chemistry between us kept me at a place where I didn't want to offend her and I let that outweigh what was right.  Eventually, this woman went too far, and crossed too many personal boundaries with me, and my husband had to help me expel her from my life.  It was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  That chemistry between us had become an idol to me, to the point that I wasn't able to do what was right without help.  I repented of this, and continue to grow.  But this experience shows me just how powerful chemistry can be.  

     A few years before I met my husband, I found myself sharing an intense chemistry with a male in my life.  He would have been 100% wrong for me to get involved with, but that chemistry was powerful, and it was really hard for me to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Jesus--but He gave me the strength to do right in that case.  I didn't fail that test, thankfully.  Chemistry is powerful, oh so powerful!  

     The opening song in one of my favorite movies, Back to the Future is called The Power of Love.  I'm just going to use it as an example, because it is one of billions of songs that claims to be about love.  The lyrics appear to be describing chemistry more than actual love, and this is a common theme.  Observe a few of these lyrics: The power of love is a curious thing.  Make one man weep, make another man sing.  Change a hawk to a little white dove.  More than a feeling, that's the power of love...It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes.  That's the power of love... This is just one of unlimited songs about these emotions we call love--but it's really more chemistry than love.  What is love?  

     While true love may include chemistry with the one you love, the characteristics of love are much more enduring than the lyrics we read above.  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. (First Corinthians 13:4-8a).  Take time to read that list slowly, considering what it really means.  If you love someone, you are patient and kind, and want what is best for them.  You want them to do right, and are committed to their wellbeing, even if that means staying away from them.  You care about their relationship with the Lord.  You are grieved when they sin, and rejoice when they are right with God.   Jesus Himself said in John 15:13, Greater love hath no man than this, than a man lay his life for his friends.  It is putting someone else's needs ahead of your own.  This is a far cry from the obsessiveness chemistry can bring.  If I really loved my long-ago mentor in God's way, I would have told her that what she was doing was sin, regardless of the consequences, and I would have done what I could to point her back to righteousness.  The truth would have had more power over me than our chemistry.  That is convicting to me now.

     Chemistry is not bad.  It is beautiful and wonderful.  It adds a dimension to relationships.  Never feel ashamed for feeling a chemistry with someone.  It doesn't mean you're sick or crazy.  But it also doesn't mean you should follow-up on it.  If a married man attends his high school reunion and runs into his old girlfriend, who is also now married, and feels all that old chemistry come back, it isn't wrong for that chemistry to exist, but it would be wrong to dwell there, or invest in it.  If two close friends have such a deep chemistry that they become dysfunctional and enmeshed, it wasn't a sin that they had that chemistry and propensity for closeness, but it is a sin to allow these unhealthy patterns.  If a twenty-something high school teacher feels a chemistry with a teenage student, it isn't wrong to feel that--but it WOULD be wrong to do something with that!  The relationship needs to remain that of a professional teacher-to-student relationship, nothing more.  In all these cases, the feelings might be real, but it would be wrong to act on them, or indulge them in any way.  That is true of any number or relationships.  If you feel a chemistry with someone, and that relationship isn't God's will, shrug it off.  It's real (don't pretend it isn't, because that doesn't help you put it behind you), but that chemistry isn't a determiner of the truth.  Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Jesus in your relationships.  Don't be deceived by chemistry.  Let Jesus show you how to demonstrate real love with those He brings to you.  

Watch the Christian movie Me & You, Us, Forever here.