That I May Know Him

  I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread. Psalm 37:25

     As I write this in 2024, I am not yet a senior citizen.  I consider myself middle-aged, though many in my age bracket resent the term.  I'm in my 40s.  My supposed generation (if you are into all that) is Xennial--we're not quite GenX nor are we quite Millennials.  We're right on the cusp of both, but don't really fit either.  We were 80's kids and 90's teenagers, and the very first adults of the 21st century.  Some would still consider me young, while others have gasped "You were born in the 1900's?  And you even went to high school in the 1900's?"  I embrace being middle-aged, and the very best thing about it is that faith has been tested, and passed the test.

     When I was in my 20's, faith was harder (not that it's simple now, but it is easier).  Back then, I think of how tight money was, and then my landlord would raise the rent.  Or my car would need a major repair I wasn't prepared for.  Or I would face severe opposition in my ministry--sometimes things I had no frame of reference for.  Other times, I faced rejection, and didn't know how to take it or move on from it.  Do similar things happen now?  Yes!  But I learned a lot from the early versions of these problems.  

     Wrestling with these circumstances left me with questions.  Was God enough for me?  Could I count on Him to come through?  Would He do what He said He would?  Was that still, small voice in my heart really the Holy Spirit guiding me, as I believed (and still believe), or was it just my own imagination, as several zealous followers of a certain San Fernando Valley theologian claimed?  I was given so much to wade through and wrestle with.  I chose to live by faith, because I figured that if I erred, I'd rather err on the side of trusting God.  If I was abdicating my own responsibility in any way, I figured God would show me this, and at least honor the fact that I was trying to obey Him.  I thought this was better than erring on the side of doing it all myself.  As a result of this choice of faith, I have so much to look back on from times God came through for me, met my needs, provided, and ministered to me. 

     When I think of myself in my 20's, I think of one of my heroes of the faith, Brother Andrew (1928-2022), who smuggled Bibles into the Soviet Union during the Cold War, and later ministered to Christians in Islamic nations.  In his 1964 book God's Smuggler (which is one of my favorite books), he talks about a time in his young adult life, when he was attending a missionary school in Scotland.  He was wrestling with some of the things I did in my 20's.  How seriously could he take God?  He was already saved, so these weren't salvation questions, but he wondered, was living out his Christian life just a set of rules to be followed until he got to Heaven, or was it more than that?  Was God a real Person who wanted an intimate relationship with him in the day to day stuff?  Did God really guide and provide, or was that his responsibility?  Was the prompting in his heart God, or himself?  Have you ever asked yourself these questions?  

     Andrew called this time of wrestling "The Game of the Royal Way" because God is our king, and when God led and provided, He did it in a kingly way.  In his "Game of the Royal Way" Andrew faced several tests in which he had to trust God's provision and guidance, or all would have been lost.  In one instance, he and some friends from missionary college were out doing evangelism throughout Scotland.  They promised the students they were evangelizing that if they came the next day, they would serve them refreshments.   But there was a problem.  They didn't have any food, nor did they have the needed money to buy it, but in the mail that very day, Andrew received a package with a beautiful chocolate cake in it, just the right size to serve to their guests.  Another time, Andrew needed stamps to mail a letter to the British labor union, or order to remain in the UK to continue his time at the school.  He took the problem to God, and told God that if He didn't provide the money to buy the stamps, he would know it was His will for him to return to his previous job.  At the very last minute, Andrew was given a letter from a friend, and inside was enough money to buy the needed stamps.  This time of testing and wrestling became the basis for how Andrew did his ministry.  He had tested his faith, and passed.  

     My young adult life faced similar tests.  I'll never forget the time a friend of mine was going on a "secret" mission trip to China.  She sent out support letters, and I knew in my heart God wanted me to send her my last $20.  That's how broke I was.  My bills were all paid, I had the gasoline to get where I needed for the week, I mostly had food, and I got my next paycheck pretty soon, but I really needed that $20 to get me through that week, especially with a few extra groceries.  "Okay, Lord," I said.  "I'll send her the $20, but You know I need it.  If this is your will, please pay me back."  And I mailed my friend the $20.  The next day in the mail, my old youth pastor from high school had sent me a letter with a gift card to Albertsons (the grocery store around the corner from my apartment), and a note, saying God had led him to send this to me.  The gift card was for $20.  On top of that, my friend "illegally" but God-honoringly led a Chinese college student to the Lord during the trip.  

     Another time, my car was at the very end of its rope.  I was driving to meet a friend for lunch, and about a mile from the restaurant, the car breathed its last and broke down.  But it broke down right beside a mechanic shop.  What are the odds?  I had a feeling God was in this, so I cruised the dying car into the driveway and dropped it off with the manager.  He promised to look at it.  Well, that was one problem solved, but how would I get to my friend for lunch?  This was before cell phones were terrible common (I had an emergency one, but she and I didn't call each other on cell phones).  How would I get word to her that I would be late?  I looked up just then, and a bus was pulling up right at the curb!  I ran to it, hopped on, and paid the fee that would take me a mile up the road, to our restaurant, right on time.  But it gets better.

     As I hopped off the bus, my friend was pulling up, and I told her what was going on.  She promised to drive me back to the mechanic after lunch.  While we were eating, I got a call on my emergency cell from the shop, saying my car was beyond repair.  Well, at least I didn't have to pay for a repair...but what would I do?  I needed a car.  My friend told me her husband bought cars for scrap.  We called him, and he said that he would give me $100 more than the junkyard would offer me, so I called the junkyard, and found out what their price was, then called my friend's husband back.  This was all great, but still, what would I do about getting a vehicle?  

     Within minutes, my emergency cell rang again, and it was a relative, who knew nothing about my situation.  She offered to give me her extra car, because they were downsizing and only wanted one car!  The verse that kept going through my mind in all of this was Isaiah 55:12, For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.  God was on my side, and everything was working out!  I was able to get this vehicle, register it in my name, and felt great...for a few days.  

     On my way home from work the next week, someone ran a stoplight and T-boned me, totaling both of our cars!  No one was hurt, but I thought, God, what's going on?  You gave me this vehicle miraculously!  Why did this have to happen?  But there was a blessing.  Because it was totaled, I was given a check from the other driver's insurance to buy another vehicle, and I was able to get one that was even better, and lasted longer than the first one would have!  God used that experience to provide and reveal Himself to me!   And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  Romans 8:28

     With these (and many more) experiences behind me in my life, I have come to know God through living out the Christian life, and seeing His care, provision, and guidance.  It's like Paul wrote in Philippians 3:10, That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death. I know Jesus through having had some of these difficulties that He helped me through.  But also, as Paul wrote a few verses later (12), Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.  I haven't arrived, nor will I until Heaven, but I can look back on God's faithfulness in my life, and can be encouraged when things happen now.  When I compare the worry and dread I felt 20+ years ago to the confidence I feel now when uncertainties happen, I know God has taught me through the school of life.  These truths I had learned from the Bible weren't just for Moses, or David, or the Apostle Paul.  They're for me!  And for you!  And every believer!

Reflectively looking out at the ocean in my early 30's, photo taken by my husband Walter

     Did people in the Bible have these kinds of things to look back on?  Think of the children of Israel, how God delivered them from Egypt, parted the Red Sea for them but drowned their enemies, provided food and water in the desert, didn't let their clothes or shoes wear out...those are all things they could look back on and remember God's faithfulness to them.  In First Samuel 17, young David remembered how God had helped him defeat a lion and bear, and as a result, trusted God to help him defeat Goliath.  The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine. (verse 37).  Our experiences with the Lord build that trust in Him.  God is no longer just a theological concept, but our very real Father, active in our world and lives.  His Holy Spirit in  the hearts of His children gives us the guidance and faith we need.  

     What are some experiences you've had that taught you faith in God?  How has your faith become sight (in a sense) through these circumstances?  

     I will close with First Peter 1:7, which speaks of this.  These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.