The "Legend" of Thom

 

I am pictured with some students helping me evangelize at the county fair.  This was taken a couple years after the events in this story.  

    The reason this post is entitled as a "legend" is a bit misleading.  It is actually a completely true story.  But my friends and I have had so much fun reliving the craziness of it over the years that it has become "legendary" in our minds.  For this reason, I speak of The Legend of Thom!
     His name was Thom.  I'm sure he pronounced it as Tom, short for Thomas.  However, when we remember the events of that day, my friends and I call him Thom--with the soft T-H sound, as in think or throw.  There is a reason for this too, later on in the story!  Bear with me.
     It was 2003.  I was teaching an evangelism class in Riverside, California.  One Saturday, we had an opportunity to share the gospel at the Riverside County Fair out in Indio (note: Riverside County is huge.  Our city of Riverside is the county seat, but the fair was over an hour's drive east, out into the desert.  As such, it was not a part of my regular ministry area).
     The man who was in the process of becoming the ministry director in that area was named Thom.  He had sounded very devoted over the phone, and seemed enthusiastic that I was bringing a group out to serve.  I prayed for the children we would reach with the gospel.
     My group consisted of four of us that day.  All four of us were single then, but are all married now.  These were, my sister Barbara, one of my summer missionaries Heather, my friend Edith, and myself.  It was a fun day, four young women going on a little trip to serve.  We laughed and had easy conversation.  It was going to be a great day, we could tell!
     We arrived, and met Thom in person.  He looked a little quizzically at us, as if something did not please him.  He separated us.  Barbara and Heather were put directly working with him at a booth near the fair entrance.  Thom hung around, criticizing every move they made.  Heather had her purse draped over her shoulder.  "Give me that!" Thom grabbed it off of her.  "It's in the way!"  He threw her purse under the table.  Barbara and Heather exchanged looks.  As they began evangelizing with the wordless book, Thom would correct their efforts.  Barbara shared with a small sized Wordless book (instead of one of the larger ones), and Thom said, "Don't use that Mickey Mouse one!  Use this!"  Barbara looked at him, puzzled at his abruptness.  He scowled, "Don't give me that dark look!"  His efforts to correct them hindered them from being able to get the message across to kids.  "Let's pray he leaves," Heather whispered when he was busy talking with someone else.  Quietly, the two of them asked God to remove this man who was hurting the ministry so badly.  Heather was and still is a woman of amazing faith.  She once prayed for my car, and God fixed it instantly.  In this case, Thom left them almost instantly, and the two of them had a wonderful few hours sharing Christ with kids...
     Unfortunately, Heather should have prayed more specifically.  Maybe prayed that he would go for a ride on the Ferris Wheel and get stuck at the top for a while.  But she just prayed he would leave, and he left--to go harass Edith and me.
     You see, while all this was happening to them, Edith and I were sent to work at a booth with a puppet show going.  Puppet show?  Yes!  Even though our ministry had nothing to do with puppets, Thom had gotten puppeteers to do a little show that presented the gospel, after which Edith and I were supposed to follow it up with the wordless book.
     The puppet show was silly at best, disturbing at worst.  Our ministry shares the wordless book basically like this: We start with the gold page, which stands for heaven--from here we talk about God, His love, and holiness.  Then we turn to the dark page, which stands for sin.  It is not called the black page.  Black is a color, with neither good nor bad connotations.  The Bible never refers to black in negative terms. But God does speak in His word of sin being darkness (unable to see or find our way to God), and that is why it is called the dark page.  It's not the color, but the condition.  This is very important, especially in that a misunderstanding could seem racist.  From this point, we move on to the red page, where we talk about the Person and work of Jesus Christ (red being for His shed blood).  The clean page (not white page, though it is pure and white) is where we give children an opportunity to receive Christ as Savior.  The Green page is last, where we talk about spiritual growth.  This is an overview.  We use scriptures for every page, always opening our Bibles.  So...
     This puppet show was set to a cassette tape Thom and prerecorded.  He had these silly puppets talking about the wordless book.  They refer to the dark page and black, even emphasizing it.  The BLACK page.  As if to prove a point.  I was alarmed by this.  Thom was very new to this ministry, so perhaps he didn't know it was supposed to be called dark, not black.  His gospel presentation on the tape was very inadequate, so after it was over, Edith or I (we took turns) gave an in-depth message.  Children responded to this, and some truly came to a saving faith in Christ that day.  It was especially meaningful for Edith and she shared Acts 16:31 with some children.  Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.  These kids prayed to receive the Lord that day.  It was wonderful.  Edith was beaming at what God had done...and then a shadow passed over us.  We looked up to see Thom approaching us.
     "What are you doing?" he demanded.
     "I just shared the Wordless book and those three kids got saved," Edith told him.
     "No, no, no!" Thom glowered at her.  "You should never, never, never open your Bible when you witness!  What were you thinking?"
     I was very perplexed.  Why wouldn't a Christian open his or her Bible in order to share the gospel?  The Bible is our authority.  And why was he so adamant?  I had graduated from the Children's Ministries Institute, our ministry's training school.  If I may say so, I was something of an expert on this method of evangelism, and I had trained the others.  What was he talking about?
     "Let me show you how it's done," he said arrogantly.  "Watch.  You'll learn something."
     The next group of kids was entering our area.  "Can we hear the story?" a little girl asked.
    "I'm not telling it just for you!" Thom shot at her.  "I want at least twelve kids in here first!"
     This led to a ten minute wait for more kids to come.  A few of the original kids had to leave.  When we finally had twelve children, Thom began his magic. "We start with this green page," he began.
     Green page?  That's supposed to be last.  Why talk about spiritual growth when we haven't covered the gospel?  Oh, but I found out Thom doesn't apply the green page to spiritual growth.
     "This green page stands for God's green earth." He made his fingers walk across the page.  The children looked perplexed.
     Thom turned the page. . "But this BLACK page reminds us that sin destroys God's green earth.  Sin is death and hell!"
      A few of the kids looked frightened.  At least they were spellbound.
     Thom continued. "This red page means Jesus died on the cross.  And the white page means you ask him in.  Let's all do that right now."  Here he prayed a generic sinner's prayer.  A few of the kids bowed with him, but not all.  After he finished he said, "Now you're all Christians."
     I couldn't believe this.  He hadn't even really explained the gospel in-depth enough for someone to understand how to make a decision for Christ.  He had not mentioned faith or repentance, or used one scripture verse.  His "God's green earth" thing almost sounded like a new brand of organic vegetables.       After the kids filed out, he said, "Let's see that was twelve kids.  Let's round it to the nearest ten."  He was writing on a clipboard.
     Why round it out when you knew it was exactly twelve.  I shrugged.  "The nearest ten would be ten.  Are you writing that you shared with ten?"
     He looked shocked.  "Of course not.  I'm writing twenty!"
     Twenty?  Edith and I looked at each other, not knowing what to say.  I have always been taught to get exact numbers when possible, but if I didn't have them, to give a conservative estimate.  This was downright lying.
     "That's why you never use a Bible," he said to Edith, as if his little presentation were a continuation of their conversation.
     "Sir, we always use the Bible," I told him.
     "Then you've received improper training."  Just like that.  I was mad!
     It was then my turn to share as a new group of kids gathered.  I was very nervous that Thom was watching like a hawk.  I didn't want him to interrupt the gospel message and prevent the true message from going out.
     "Hi Janelle!"
     I was startled to see two boys I taught in Sunday school run in to join the other, assembled children.  Great.  They knew the right way that I usually did it, and now would hear Thom correcting me and doing it the butchered way.
     "Hi boys," I tried to smile as they ran up to hug me before being seated.
     "Hey Janelle!" another voice called.  I looked up and saw my good friends, Paul and Loni, the boys' grandparents.  "We decided to bring the boys out to the county fair today.  We already saw Barbara at the front."
     Thom immediately began a conversation with my friends.  I was sort of glad, because if he was so engaged with them, he wouldn't bother me.  Of course, it annoyed me that he was basically sweet-talking them after he'd been so rude to us.  But oh well.  I shared the gospel without any ill effects.  A girl in the group prayed to receive Christ.
     I wrote on the clipboard that I had shared with seven kids and one had received Christ.  Thom frowned at me.  "Write ten!  And write that they all received Christ!"
     "But there were only seven--"
     "We're estimating!" he said as if I were an idiot.
     "But if we know the amount, shouldn't we be exact?"
     "I'm the director here!  And soon, everyone will do it my way!"  I wouldn't have been surprised if maniacal laughter had followed this grandiose statement...but it didn't.  Just his self-satisfied smirk.
     "I disagree with you, but since you're in charge of this event, I'll do what you ask for right now,"
     "Thank you," He spit it out.  His tone was curiously lacking in gratitude.  I suppose he figured this was the best he'd get.
     When we left that day, he put his face very close to mine and hissed, "Correction and rebuke are the way of life.  You don't need to mind me."
     I didn't say a word.  I took my volunteers and left.  On the way home, I learned Barbara and Heather's story.   I knew this wasn't right, and this power-crazed man shouldn't be in our ministry.  I called my boss, Mr. Dunkerley, when I got home,  He asked me to write a letter, documenting everything that happened, and send an copy to him and a copy to the state director of our ministry.  So I did...
    Later that week, Edith and I were talking about what had happened with Thom.  Mr. Dunkerley overheard us and said, "Tom?  Who's that?"
     "You know," I said, "The man at the fair I wrote about in that letter."
     "Tom?  I thought his name was Thom."
     And that is how he came to be pronounced phonetically!
     Our state director confronted Thom for his rudeness.  Apparently, the local ministry committee in his area had really been complaining already, and the state director hadn't taken it as seriously.  My letter gave their concerns credibility.  For this, I earned the respect of that committee, and I went back to do ministry at the fair every year until I left California.
     Thom never ended up taking over the ministry in that chapter.  The day he was confronted, he told everyone, "Fifteen-thousand kids came to our booth at the fair and every one of them got saved!"  Not a realistic statistic at all.  After being confronted, he frowned at me and demanded to talk with me privately.  I stepped outside with him, all the time worrying that he was getting rid of the witnesses,
     "I want to apologize if I offended you and your friends.  You know, Fred Rogers [of the famed Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood television show] died recently, and I realize I need to be more like Mr. Rogers."
     That was the last time I ever spoke with Thom.  I shared with everyone that he had apologized.
     "What did he say when he apologized?" Heather asked incredulously.
     "He said he needs to learn to be nice like Mr. Rogers."
     This led to everyone cracking up.
     "So," Heather said when she could talk again, "he didn't apologize because God convicted him to be more like Christ.  He wants to be more like Mr. Rogers.  Does he wear a 'What Would Mr. R. Do' bracelet?"  We all laughed again.
     In the following years when we would go evangelize at the fair, we had indirect run-ins with Thom.  He set up a booth of his own, and tried to compete with us.  He would send his friends and even his sons over to tell us how his booth was having more people saved in it.  What can I say to this?  What the Apostle Paul said in Philippians, when some preached Christ out of envy toward him.  But Paul didn't care about their motive, as long as the gospel was preached.  I tried to make this my attitude.  More than anything, I was kind of amused by it all.
     So, all these years later, we still remember Thom.  Whatever his motive, I hope God is blessing the truth he teaches.

Journey of Forgiveness

    I hate to confess this, but there is a person in my life I am struggling to forgive.  Several, actually, but one in particular.  What's worse, this person is a Christian (or at least purports herself to be).  Think I'm terrible?  Well, I confess that forgiveness has been one of the biggest struggles of my Christian life.  However, this isn't because I wish to be bitter.  For so long, I used the word without really knowing what forgiveness actually means.  I have read books, listened to messages, etc. but it wasn't until recently that God really brought a new understanding to me from His word on this subject.

     I'll clarify really quickly to say that I don't struggle to forgive when the one who has wronged me is genuinely sorry and makes it right.  In this post, I am referring to forgiving wrongs suffered from someone who maliciously intended harm, and is not sorry.

     There are a lot of messages out there about what it means to forgive.  Some well-meaning believers have given me the wrong messages about it.   

     I have been told that to forgive is to forget (in essence, pretend it didn't happen).  This is not only unhealthy, but usually impossible.  Some hurts go deep, and asking the injured party to make believe it didn't happen is unfair to their wounded spirits.  The scars this person may bear are a testament to the fact that a wrong was done.  Denying it, or even minimizing it, is a lie (which, in turn is a violation of God's word).  

     Another message I have been told is that to forgive is to excuse the wrong, and even allow it to continue.  This leads to more sin on the part of the perpetrator, and deeper wounds on the part of the recipient.  Nobody becomes more like Christ in this scenario, and God's goal for us is Christlikeness.  Therefore, this is not God's plan for forgiveness..  

     Some have said that if I still feel hurt or frustration, I am unforgiving.  For years, I believed that.  Now, my response to that is this: Is Jesus unforgiving, because He still has the holes in His hands and feet?  

    My honest opinion is that most people are not healthy enough to deal with issues.  Many people, especially in Christian ministry, are peace-at-all-costs types.  They feel we should keep our mouths shut when someone is bothering or hurting us.  They feel that if the injured person confronts the perpetrator, the resultant argument is the injured party's fault.  For this reason, I have had a lot of people on my case.  For example...

     The summer I was eighteen, I served on a mission trip to Zambia, Africa. I worked with three other Americans, all young women about my age.  Two of them were very sweet girls.  I'll call them Mary and Rachel.  The three of us would have made a dynamic team.  However, the fourth team member, whom I'll call Tasha, was another story.  She was very rude and negative, especially to me.  I could write a whole post about that summer (maybe I will eventually), but for the moment, I'll summarize.  Tasha basically declared war on me the moment we met.  She was slow and lazy, and most people wouldn't take her as a trouble-maker.  She was very passive in situations with a lot of people.  I came to see that when she knew she couldn't get control of the situation, she was like this.  However, when the situation could be controlled, she became an aggressive monster.  Being the only four Americans in a third-world country was definitely something she could control.  We were with people who didn't understand American culture at all.  Tasha got the open-hearted Zambians to see things the way she wanted them to be seen.  With me, personally, she criticized EVERYTHING, from the way I washed dishes in our host home, to the way I peeled potatoes, to the Bible verses I used when sharing Christ.  She would move the bookmarks in my Bible in order to make me use the verses she thought I should use.  One time she jumped all over me because she didn't like a pronoun I used!  Yes, you read that correctly!  She attacked me for a pronoun (I said the word they--meaning the kids we were teaching--and she felt I should say we, because we're all God's people.  Saying we--including myself in it--wouldn't have even made sense in the sentence I was saying!).  It was hell on earth to be with her.  I couldn't breathe without her having to attack me.  She spread malicious gossip about me to anyone who would listen.  A few times, I tried to confront her (since nobody else did).  She raised such hell it wasn't worth it.  One time, she had made a mean comment about my home state.  I politely told her she was incorrect.  She screamed at the top of her lungs and smashed a plastic box she was holding.  She continued screaming until our host (a Zambian) came running in.  She turned him against me.  It was all my fault.  Our host hugged her and said she should forgive me (I was fuming!  Forgive me for what!?).  Tasha sniffled and said, "I'm not sure if I can forgive her!"  Our host hugged her and soothed, "I know." Mary and Rachel were quiet and uncomfortable, and refused to engage.  I liked them, but resented that.  Tasha was dead wrong, and she needed to be brought to account.  If the other two had backed me up, she couldn't have gotten away with her garbage.  I was always made to feel that I was in the wrong if I ever confronted her.   Rachel would look at me reproachfully whenever I tried to stand up for myself, and Mary would whisper, "Can't you just let it go?"  I put up with this for six weeks!  I nearly lost my mind, and ended up in counseling later on, due to depression and nervousness I developed on that trip.

     I share this example to illustrate that many people I have been with have taken the passive approach to conflict and forgiveness.  This is clearly the path of least resistance, and perhaps the easiest thing to do.  But easy does not equal right.  I was fed--from this situation and others like it--the idea that I was wrong and sinning if I confronted someone who was wronging me.  This led to deeper confusion about forgiveness.  I didn't think I was ever capable of forgiving anyone, if that was what it was.

     The person I am currently working on forgiving is a woman I'll call Cassandra.  She and I taught in a Bible study together.  We had difficulties working together from the beginning.  For a short while, we seemed to be getting along, but that didn't last.  She wasn't half as brutal as Tasha from my mission trip, but she was very unkind and passive-aggressive (she said all her mean things in a cutesy, sweet voice).  I tried ignoring and confronting her alternately.  Nothing really worked.  When I wouldn't let her manipulate me and the situation, she lied about me to the people over us, and they kicked me out of the Bible study.  It was done in a very unchristian and unprofessional way.  If this wasn't enough, Cassandra sullied my reputation around town, and some of the Christian people I had thought were friends disassociated from me.  It was a very hard and painful time.  God has brought great redemption to my life.  In fact, I married my wonderful husband exactly two years to the date after I got kicked out of the Bible study.  With all that behind me, and so much good in my life, why am I still working on forgiving her?

     As I said, I didn't know what forgiveness really meant.  When this situation with Cassandra and the Bible study first happened, I struggled with real, dark, black, suffocating hatred, and I wished her ill will.  That scared me.  I had never known such hardness in my own heart.  I had never known what evil thoughts I was capable of.  Thankfully, I immediately repented of my hatred,and asked God to take it.  I told Him I couldn't stop hating Cassandra in my own strength, but I wanted to stop, and only He could help me.  It was an earnest prayer, and I know God heard me, because the blackness in my soul disappeared instantly.  I no longer wanted evil things to befall her.  I think God honored my desire to do right here.  So, if that is it, then I forgave her right then.  I believe, for certain, that God started the forgiveness process in my heart then.

     One of the wonderful things I have learned is that forgiveness, like all other Christian virtues, are instilled in us by Christ.  We don't have to conjure it up.  We just have to be willing to be willing to forgive.  

     But what about those bad feelings I sometimes still struggle with toward Cassandra, Tasha, and other people?  Just the other day, I was thinking about this when an image came to my mind.  It wasn't a vision, or anything as dramatic as that.  It was just a picture.  In my mind's eye, I saw Jesus on that cross.  And as He looked at the men who were killing Him and mocking Him, He was loving them.  The love in His eyes was like nothing I have ever seen in any human being.  And it brought me to shame.  I am incapable of loving people who hurt me...and nobody has hurt me the way they hurt Jesus.  Yet He loved them and forgave them on the spot.  I wept at my own inadequacy.  But then the Lord reminded me of the rest of the story...

     Jesus died, was buried, and rose again Easter morning.  After His resurrection, He appeared to His loved ones.  Mary.  John.  Peter, Thomas.  All the disciples.  In each way, His appearance was meaningful to the individual, and reflected part of their relationship to Him.  There are accounts in the gospels of His appearances after the resurrection.  Yet...he is never recorded to have appeared to those who killed Him.  He loved them and forgave them...but then was done with them.  He didn't try to befriend them or reach out to them after that.  He invested in His chosen ones.  

     And that is a model for me.  I can love people--with God's help--but I choose to enjoy and invest in my friends and family.  I cherish them.  God doesn't expect me to like Tasha or Cassandra, or track them down, or invest any further time in my life or mind on them.  I might always have irritation if they come to mind, but I have given it to the Lord, and am allowing Him to make me more like Jesus daily.  One day, in Heaven, I really will have that love that only Jesus could have.  And, since Tasha and Cassandra will be there, maybe we will be friends then.  In a twinkling of an eye, we will be changed.  

     I don't feel so unforgiving now.  I'm a work in progress.  I'm on my journey with the Lord.  So are you.  It's okay.  Just don't get off the path! 

It's a Date Then

     Yesterday evening, my husband Walter shared some news with me.  He was clearly excited about this.
     "Joshua Harris has recanted I Kissed Dating Goodbye and his other stuff!"
     Upon looking into it, I discovered the legitimacy of this.  Apparently, this happened last year.
     Why is this news to exciting to Walter, and so overall interesting?  Therein lies the story...
     My husband loves the Lord with all his heart.  As a young man, he enthusiastically attended Bible College.  I am glad God used the biblical teaching to shape him into the man I would eventually marry.  However, while there, he had some hard experiences, largely due to the above-mentioned book: I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
     This book was written by Joshua Harris when he was a mere 21 years old.  This book discourages dating among young people and instead encourages friendships.  In his sequel Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris encourages courtship, sharing his own experiences.  I will give my own commentary in a moment.
     So my husband entered Bible college.  Like many a young person, he thought he might possibly meet his future wife there.  He is an outgoing person, and was friendly to both men and women.  Occasionally, he would ask a girl if she wanted to sit with him at lunch or join him for a soft drink.  His motives were completely pure and above-board.  However, he was treated like a criminal for these innocent pursuits.  It turned out that I Kissed Dating Goodbye had replaced the Bible and Walter didn't get the memo.  In fact, he hadn't even read the book and had only vaguely heard of it.
     The Bible urges believers to guard their hearts (Proverbs 4:23), flee fornication, or sex outside of marriage (I Corinthians 6:18).  Beyond that, we are urged to love the Lord and others (Mark 12:30-31), wait on the Lord and trust His plan for our lives (Psalm 37:3-6), and be honest with others in all our dealings and intents (Matthew 5:37).  These scriptures all pertain to how believers are to be with one another and with the Lord.  This is really all we need as a blueprint for proper relationships.
     My husband's Bible college took these biblical admonitions and added the principles of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, much as the Pharisees took God's commands and added other, man-made rules to help keep these simply commands, thus complicating everything.
     One of this books points is that any relationship a person gets into gives a part of their heart away forever--a part that can never be taken back.  So, according to this logic, every relationship--no matter how pure--you have before you meet your spouse is a form of cheating your future spouse out of part of your heart.  For this reason, this Bible college reacted strongly and negatively to Walter's friendly attempts to get to know Christian women.  He was harshly rebuked, and his spirit was broken.
     In God's providence, we met and were married some time later.
     There is a lot I can say about that Bible college's legalism in this area, but this post isn't about the college (which I didn't even attend myself--I went to another Bible College).
     Here is my personal experience and opinion about I Kissed Dating Goodbye, dating, courtship, and how all of this affected my generation of Christians.
     I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye when it first came out.  I was about sixteen.  I thought it made some good points, but that's all it was for me.  It wasn't earth-shattering or life-changing.  I kind of read it and thought, "I like this and that from it, but not sure if I agree with him about such-and-such a point."  I shrugged it off and moved on to the next book I wanted to read.  I'll share what I basically agree with first, then what I don't.
     I agree that dating without a point is a bad idea.  The ultimate goal of a relationship should be marriage.  For that reason, I believe someone should only go out with a person they would consider a suitable spouse, and generally only at a time in life when marriage could be an option in the near future (which rules out most teen dating, but not all, and not in every situation).  If you want to call this purposeful dating "courtship" that's fine.  If you want to just call it "dating" that's fine too.  I don't feel any specific word is superior.  As someone born in the twentieth century, I tend to use the word "date".  While Joshua Harris' writings talk about courtship, they really just mean dating with purpose, which I completely agree with.  There are a lot of other courtship ideas out there that I disagree with (such as parents needing to supervise and control every aspect of their adult children's relationships, etc.).
     I disagree with the whole concept of how the book talks about giving one's heart away.  We should guard our hearts, especially early on in relationships.  But going out to coffee on a Bible college campus is not giving your heart away.  And guess what?  We blow it sometimes.  Our God is a God of redemption. Both my husband and I had significant others before we met.  These past boyfriends and girlfriends are not haunting our marriage!  They no longer have our hearts at all!  My whole heart belongs to Walter and his whole heart belongs to me.  Past relationships have nothing to do with anything.  This concept in the book made people who had had other relationships before they met their spouse seem like "damaged goods".  Our redemptive God can bring healing where needed.  Guarding our hearts is for our own good, not for the reasons given in the book.  This concept also leads one to conclude that we can't date at all until we've met our future spouse.  How can you possibly know someone is to be your spouse if you haven't spent at least a little time with them?
     So, here is my experience with the effect of this book and ensuring movement.
     In my parents' generation, Party A asked Party B out on a date.  If Party B was interested, they agreed.  From there, a possible relationship could happen, or perhaps Parties A and B would decide not to see each other again.  Pretty simple.
     In my generation, Party A liked Party B, but didn't want to give his/her heart away, so instead, he/she just did awkward things to get Party B's attention.  Once this attention was secured, Party A would back way off and watch Party B from afar, hoping for Party B to initiate some similar attention.  Often Party B would do as Party A hoped and try to get Party A's attention. Back and forth it would go.  No commitment would be made, but people around would sort of recognize them as a couple--but wouldn't officially say the word "couple" or "dating" or anything too "worldly" like that.  No commitment was ever made by Party A and Party B.  Finally, Party B gets so sick of it, he/she confronts Party A and asks, "Are we an item or aren't we?" Party A affects a shocked expression and says, "I just thought we were friends.  I didn't know you liked me that way.  Sorry, but I don't think of you in the romantic sense," and leave Party B feeling stupid, hurt and questioning his/her own sanity.
     Times have changed, haven't they?  Being in my mid-thirties and married, I have no idea what young college-aged singles are dealing with now.
     Sadly, I have been Party B.  Unlike my husband, I didn't come across it much in my Bible college, but instead, with my college-aged mission trips and college/career Bible studies.  One such experience was extremely hurtful and humiliating.  My "Party A" in this scenario pursued me, then denied everything.  What was worse, everyone treated him like the godly paragon of virtue and me like some hussy.  Another, less painful time involved a young man in a Bible study.  He went to crazy lengths to get my attention.  He threw his phone number at me and ran.  He invited me out to his car after church to listen to music.  So much happened.  We would seem to be building up to a relationship.  Then, he would pull back.  It went on and on, and I finally just pulled away.  Years later, we crossed paths and I confronted it.  Of course he denied it all.  Go figure.
     I have no regrets about this stuff.  I am glad these men didn't commit to me.  I am madly in love with my husband, and know he is the one God had for me all along.  I only regret that these men couldn't have honestly said, "Hey, I'm not ready for a relationship.  I know I started it, but I'm just not there right now."
     I knew girls from my mission trip experiences who were obsessed with the whole "courtship" culture.  They told everyone, "I don't date, I court." Their home-school groups didn't have a senior prom, because proms are worldly.  They had a senior ball.  So much holier.  Yet, in spite of these convictions, these girls were terrible flirts.  They often dressed in immodest clothes and rubbed up against the guys.  They used the right words, so they were never called out on their behavior.
     I think the whole I Kissed Dating Goodbye movement has left everyone very confused on the right behavior, and let a lot of bad behavior go on.  God makes it clear in the Bible the way we're supposed to "do life".  I'm convinced that the Bible is our only needed guidebook.  We have a God of grace, not formulas for finding the right person.  We know God's will for our lives by walking with Him daily.  He will lead and guide...and His plan looks a little different for each of us.  That is why I truly don't believe if sharing one's story as a model for all people's experiences.  I think our testimonies should encourage others to trust the Lord, not to copy us.
     I Kissed Dating Goodbye is not even the only book that has been a part of this.  It is the main catalyst, but it is not completely alone.  There are several, some newer, some older.  One I particularly dislike and do NOT recommend is Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot.  This was given to me after my experience with Party A.  It left me feeling dirty and bad--and I hadn't even sinned in my relationship!  It was very condemning to women who ask for clarification from the men who are pursuing them.  And for those who have given away their virginity prior to marriage, it acts like there's not hope.  So not true.  God redeems all how come to Him in faith and repentance.  We all need to repent our sins, be they sexual or otherwise.  As I said, the Bible is our only needed guidebook.
     It takes a lot of humility for Joshua Harris to admit his mistakes.  Unlike some, I don't think everything he said was wrong.  I just think he was young and zealous--plus other people picked up on it and ran miles beyond his intentions.  Like the rest of us, Joshua Harris has God at work in his life.  I pray God brings him grace and comfort as he works through the quagmire he partially created.

Kids Speak

    I have heard some of the sweetest, strangest, and funniest things from children over the years of ministry.  I'm going to share some of these anecdotes.  Hope you enjoy!

     *10-year-old Jessica was trying to share Christ with a friend.  She came to me, distraught.  She told me what her friend had said.  "She says Jesus wasn't really born on December twenty-fifth!"  Jessica looked as if she thought this quite a heresy.  "I told her, 'You check the Bible!  It's in there!  Jesus was born on December 25!'"  Well, at least she had an evangelist's fervor!

     *Six-year-old Kelly had indicated she wanted to receive Christ as her Savior in a Good News Club I was teaching.  I talked with her, and she seemed to understand what it meant to trust in Christ.  So I helped her pray the sinner's prayer.  Her prayer went something like this: "Jesus, I'm sorry for my sins.  I believe in You.  Come into my heart...and please let me have a lollipop!"

     *I was driving a group of students to AWANA.  My car started having trouble.  I said to myself, "I need to have the car's idle checked out."  Five-year-old EJ overheard me and asked, "Why do you have an idol in your car?  I thought you said idols are bad?"

     *When asked to name three of the Ten Commandments in a Bible Trivia game in my Sunday school class, nine-year-old Hannah said, "No smoking, do drinking, no doing drugs!"  

     *I always took junior high students to the fair to do evangelism.  When I share the gospel with a child and I talk about sin, I also ask, "Can you tell me a sin a boy or girl your age might do?"  This gets the child involved in the discussion.  Anyway, at the fair that day, I had Hannah (from the above anecdote), now age twelve.  Having heard me share the gospel for years, she copied my ways.  While sharing the story with a woman, Hannah asked her, "Can you tell me a sin an adult your age might do?"  I cringed and laughed at the same time.  The woman graciously didn't go into inappropriate territory, but said, "I guess if I park in a handicapped spot and I'm really not handicapped."

     *We had one really difficult boy in our church whom I'll call Tom.  He came with a lot of difficult behavior problems.  One day, he had been especially inappropriate, and I felt I needed to talk with some of the other kids' parents about what had happened so that if they heard it from their children, they would know it had been dealt with.  Anyway, as I was talking with one mother, this difficult boy Tom started walking back toward the church (he had walked home already).  Seeing him coming, I whispered, "Speak of the devil!"  10-year-old Camden overheard me and said, "Tom's not the devil, he's Satan's favorite demon!" 

     *First grader Johnny started the 23rd Psalm, "The Lord is my shepherd, which I don't want.  He makes me lie on green pastors and steals my soul."  He wasn't trying to be rude or funny.  He really thought that's what it said!

     *Seven-year-old Eric began the Lord's Prayer, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hollywood be Thy name..."

     *I had one of my Good News Clubs memorize the books of the Bible.  11-year-old Cameron took a long time, but finally got them all.  Along the way, here are some of his tries:  "Genesis...Exodus...Ludicrous"  At the end of the Old Testament: "Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Anaheim!"

     *I had a group of my Sunday school kids over at my house to bake cookies.  One of the boys, Justin, got very hyper and out of control.  He and another boy got a little bit destructive in their silliness.  I had to ask them to sit in the living room for a minute (to help them calm down).  When I went in to talk with them, Justin was crying.  Before I could say a word, he said, "I have sinned against God and against you!"  From then on, he behaved himself.