It's a Date Then

     Yesterday evening, my husband Walter shared some news with me.  He was clearly excited about this.
     "Joshua Harris has recanted I Kissed Dating Goodbye and his other stuff!"
     Upon looking into it, I discovered the legitimacy of this.  Apparently, this happened last year.
     Why is this news to exciting to Walter, and so overall interesting?  Therein lies the story...
     My husband loves the Lord with all his heart.  As a young man, he enthusiastically attended Bible College.  I am glad God used the biblical teaching to shape him into the man I would eventually marry.  However, while there, he had some hard experiences, largely due to the above-mentioned book: I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
     This book was written by Joshua Harris when he was a mere 21 years old.  This book discourages dating among young people and instead encourages friendships.  In his sequel Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris encourages courtship, sharing his own experiences.  I will give my own commentary in a moment.
     So my husband entered Bible college.  Like many a young person, he thought he might possibly meet his future wife there.  He is an outgoing person, and was friendly to both men and women.  Occasionally, he would ask a girl if she wanted to sit with him at lunch or join him for a soft drink.  His motives were completely pure and above-board.  However, he was treated like a criminal for these innocent pursuits.  It turned out that I Kissed Dating Goodbye had replaced the Bible and Walter didn't get the memo.  In fact, he hadn't even read the book and had only vaguely heard of it.
     The Bible urges believers to guard their hearts (Proverbs 4:23), flee fornication, or sex outside of marriage (I Corinthians 6:18).  Beyond that, we are urged to love the Lord and others (Mark 12:30-31), wait on the Lord and trust His plan for our lives (Psalm 37:3-6), and be honest with others in all our dealings and intents (Matthew 5:37).  These scriptures all pertain to how believers are to be with one another and with the Lord.  This is really all we need as a blueprint for proper relationships.
     My husband's Bible college took these biblical admonitions and added the principles of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, much as the Pharisees took God's commands and added other, man-made rules to help keep these simply commands, thus complicating everything.
     One of this books points is that any relationship a person gets into gives a part of their heart away forever--a part that can never be taken back.  So, according to this logic, every relationship--no matter how pure--you have before you meet your spouse is a form of cheating your future spouse out of part of your heart.  For this reason, this Bible college reacted strongly and negatively to Walter's friendly attempts to get to know Christian women.  He was harshly rebuked, and his spirit was broken.
     In God's providence, we met and were married some time later.
     There is a lot I can say about that Bible college's legalism in this area, but this post isn't about the college (which I didn't even attend myself--I went to another Bible College).
     Here is my personal experience and opinion about I Kissed Dating Goodbye, dating, courtship, and how all of this affected my generation of Christians.
     I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye when it first came out.  I was about sixteen.  I thought it made some good points, but that's all it was for me.  It wasn't earth-shattering or life-changing.  I kind of read it and thought, "I like this and that from it, but not sure if I agree with him about such-and-such a point."  I shrugged it off and moved on to the next book I wanted to read.  I'll share what I basically agree with first, then what I don't.
     I agree that dating without a point is a bad idea.  The ultimate goal of a relationship should be marriage.  For that reason, I believe someone should only go out with a person they would consider a suitable spouse, and generally only at a time in life when marriage could be an option in the near future (which rules out most teen dating, but not all, and not in every situation).  If you want to call this purposeful dating "courtship" that's fine.  If you want to just call it "dating" that's fine too.  I don't feel any specific word is superior.  As someone born in the twentieth century, I tend to use the word "date".  While Joshua Harris' writings talk about courtship, they really just mean dating with purpose, which I completely agree with.  There are a lot of other courtship ideas out there that I disagree with (such as parents needing to supervise and control every aspect of their adult children's relationships, etc.).
     I disagree with the whole concept of how the book talks about giving one's heart away.  We should guard our hearts, especially early on in relationships.  But going out to coffee on a Bible college campus is not giving your heart away.  And guess what?  We blow it sometimes.  Our God is a God of redemption. Both my husband and I had significant others before we met.  These past boyfriends and girlfriends are not haunting our marriage!  They no longer have our hearts at all!  My whole heart belongs to Walter and his whole heart belongs to me.  Past relationships have nothing to do with anything.  This concept in the book made people who had had other relationships before they met their spouse seem like "damaged goods".  Our redemptive God can bring healing where needed.  Guarding our hearts is for our own good, not for the reasons given in the book.  This concept also leads one to conclude that we can't date at all until we've met our future spouse.  How can you possibly know someone is to be your spouse if you haven't spent at least a little time with them?
     So, here is my experience with the effect of this book and ensuring movement.
     In my parents' generation, Party A asked Party B out on a date.  If Party B was interested, they agreed.  From there, a possible relationship could happen, or perhaps Parties A and B would decide not to see each other again.  Pretty simple.
     In my generation, Party A liked Party B, but didn't want to give his/her heart away, so instead, he/she just did awkward things to get Party B's attention.  Once this attention was secured, Party A would back way off and watch Party B from afar, hoping for Party B to initiate some similar attention.  Often Party B would do as Party A hoped and try to get Party A's attention. Back and forth it would go.  No commitment would be made, but people around would sort of recognize them as a couple--but wouldn't officially say the word "couple" or "dating" or anything too "worldly" like that.  No commitment was ever made by Party A and Party B.  Finally, Party B gets so sick of it, he/she confronts Party A and asks, "Are we an item or aren't we?" Party A affects a shocked expression and says, "I just thought we were friends.  I didn't know you liked me that way.  Sorry, but I don't think of you in the romantic sense," and leave Party B feeling stupid, hurt and questioning his/her own sanity.
     Times have changed, haven't they?  Being in my mid-thirties and married, I have no idea what young college-aged singles are dealing with now.
     Sadly, I have been Party B.  Unlike my husband, I didn't come across it much in my Bible college, but instead, with my college-aged mission trips and college/career Bible studies.  One such experience was extremely hurtful and humiliating.  My "Party A" in this scenario pursued me, then denied everything.  What was worse, everyone treated him like the godly paragon of virtue and me like some hussy.  Another, less painful time involved a young man in a Bible study.  He went to crazy lengths to get my attention.  He threw his phone number at me and ran.  He invited me out to his car after church to listen to music.  So much happened.  We would seem to be building up to a relationship.  Then, he would pull back.  It went on and on, and I finally just pulled away.  Years later, we crossed paths and I confronted it.  Of course he denied it all.  Go figure.
     I have no regrets about this stuff.  I am glad these men didn't commit to me.  I am madly in love with my husband, and know he is the one God had for me all along.  I only regret that these men couldn't have honestly said, "Hey, I'm not ready for a relationship.  I know I started it, but I'm just not there right now."
     I knew girls from my mission trip experiences who were obsessed with the whole "courtship" culture.  They told everyone, "I don't date, I court." Their home-school groups didn't have a senior prom, because proms are worldly.  They had a senior ball.  So much holier.  Yet, in spite of these convictions, these girls were terrible flirts.  They often dressed in immodest clothes and rubbed up against the guys.  They used the right words, so they were never called out on their behavior.
     I think the whole I Kissed Dating Goodbye movement has left everyone very confused on the right behavior, and let a lot of bad behavior go on.  God makes it clear in the Bible the way we're supposed to "do life".  I'm convinced that the Bible is our only needed guidebook.  We have a God of grace, not formulas for finding the right person.  We know God's will for our lives by walking with Him daily.  He will lead and guide...and His plan looks a little different for each of us.  That is why I truly don't believe if sharing one's story as a model for all people's experiences.  I think our testimonies should encourage others to trust the Lord, not to copy us.
     I Kissed Dating Goodbye is not even the only book that has been a part of this.  It is the main catalyst, but it is not completely alone.  There are several, some newer, some older.  One I particularly dislike and do NOT recommend is Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliot.  This was given to me after my experience with Party A.  It left me feeling dirty and bad--and I hadn't even sinned in my relationship!  It was very condemning to women who ask for clarification from the men who are pursuing them.  And for those who have given away their virginity prior to marriage, it acts like there's not hope.  So not true.  God redeems all how come to Him in faith and repentance.  We all need to repent our sins, be they sexual or otherwise.  As I said, the Bible is our only needed guidebook.
     It takes a lot of humility for Joshua Harris to admit his mistakes.  Unlike some, I don't think everything he said was wrong.  I just think he was young and zealous--plus other people picked up on it and ran miles beyond his intentions.  Like the rest of us, Joshua Harris has God at work in his life.  I pray God brings him grace and comfort as he works through the quagmire he partially created.