I hate to confess this, but there is a person in my life I am struggling to forgive. Several, actually, but one in particular. What's worse, this person is a Christian (or at least purports herself to be). Think I'm terrible? Well, I confess that forgiveness has been one of the biggest struggles of my Christian life. However, this isn't because I wish to be bitter. For so long, I used the word without really knowing what forgiveness actually means. I have read books, listened to messages, etc. but it wasn't until recently that God really brought a new understanding to me from His word on this subject.
I'll clarify really quickly to say that I don't struggle to forgive when the one who has wronged me is genuinely sorry and makes it right. In this post, I am referring to forgiving wrongs suffered from someone who maliciously intended harm, and is not sorry.
There are a lot of messages out there about what it means to forgive. Some well-meaning believers have given me the wrong messages about it.
I have been told that to forgive is to forget (in essence, pretend it didn't happen). This is not only unhealthy, but usually impossible. Some hurts go deep, and asking the injured party to make believe it didn't happen is unfair to their wounded spirits. The scars this person may bear are a testament to the fact that a wrong was done. Denying it, or even minimizing it, is a lie (which, in turn is a violation of God's word).
Another message I have been told is that to forgive is to excuse the wrong, and even allow it to continue. This leads to more sin on the part of the perpetrator, and deeper wounds on the part of the recipient. Nobody becomes more like Christ in this scenario, and God's goal for us is Christlikeness. Therefore, this is not God's plan for forgiveness..
Some have said that if I still feel hurt or frustration, I am unforgiving. For years, I believed that. Now, my response to that is this: Is Jesus unforgiving, because He still has the holes in His hands and feet?
My honest opinion is that most people are not healthy enough to deal with issues. Many people, especially in Christian ministry, are peace-at-all-costs types. They feel we should keep our mouths shut when someone is bothering or hurting us. They feel that if the injured person confronts the perpetrator, the resultant argument is the injured party's fault. For this reason, I have had a lot of people on my case. For example...
The summer I was eighteen, I served on a mission trip to Zambia, Africa. I worked with three other Americans, all young women about my age. Two of them were very sweet girls. I'll call them Mary and Rachel. The three of us would have made a dynamic team. However, the fourth team member, whom I'll call Tasha, was another story. She was very rude and negative, especially to me. I could write a whole post about that summer (maybe I will eventually), but for the moment, I'll summarize. Tasha basically declared war on me the moment we met. She was slow and lazy, and most people wouldn't take her as a trouble-maker. She was very passive in situations with a lot of people. I came to see that when she knew she couldn't get control of the situation, she was like this. However, when the situation could be controlled, she became an aggressive monster. Being the only four Americans in a third-world country was definitely something she could control. We were with people who didn't understand American culture at all. Tasha got the open-hearted Zambians to see things the way she wanted them to be seen. With me, personally, she criticized EVERYTHING, from the way I washed dishes in our host home, to the way I peeled potatoes, to the Bible verses I used when sharing Christ. She would move the bookmarks in my Bible in order to make me use the verses she thought I should use. One time she jumped all over me because she didn't like a pronoun I used! Yes, you read that correctly! She attacked me for a pronoun (I said the word they--meaning the kids we were teaching--and she felt I should say we, because we're all God's people. Saying we--including myself in it--wouldn't have even made sense in the sentence I was saying!). It was hell on earth to be with her. I couldn't breathe without her having to attack me. She spread malicious gossip about me to anyone who would listen. A few times, I tried to confront her (since nobody else did). She raised such hell it wasn't worth it. One time, she had made a mean comment about my home state. I politely told her she was incorrect. She screamed at the top of her lungs and smashed a plastic box she was holding. She continued screaming until our host (a Zambian) came running in. She turned him against me. It was all my fault. Our host hugged her and said she should forgive me (I was fuming! Forgive me for what!?). Tasha sniffled and said, "I'm not sure if I can forgive her!" Our host hugged her and soothed, "I know." Mary and Rachel were quiet and uncomfortable, and refused to engage. I liked them, but resented that. Tasha was dead wrong, and she needed to be brought to account. If the other two had backed me up, she couldn't have gotten away with her garbage. I was always made to feel that I was in the wrong if I ever confronted her. Rachel would look at me reproachfully whenever I tried to stand up for myself, and Mary would whisper, "Can't you just let it go?" I put up with this for six weeks! I nearly lost my mind, and ended up in counseling later on, due to depression and nervousness I developed on that trip.
I share this example to illustrate that many people I have been with have taken the passive approach to conflict and forgiveness. This is clearly the path of least resistance, and perhaps the easiest thing to do. But easy does not equal right. I was fed--from this situation and others like it--the idea that I was wrong and sinning if I confronted someone who was wronging me. This led to deeper confusion about forgiveness. I didn't think I was ever capable of forgiving anyone, if that was what it was.
The person I am currently working on forgiving is a woman I'll call Cassandra. She and I taught in a Bible study together. We had difficulties working together from the beginning. For a short while, we seemed to be getting along, but that didn't last. She wasn't half as brutal as Tasha from my mission trip, but she was very unkind and passive-aggressive (she said all her mean things in a cutesy, sweet voice). I tried ignoring and confronting her alternately. Nothing really worked. When I wouldn't let her manipulate me and the situation, she lied about me to the people over us, and they kicked me out of the Bible study. It was done in a very unchristian and unprofessional way. If this wasn't enough, Cassandra sullied my reputation around town, and some of the Christian people I had thought were friends disassociated from me. It was a very hard and painful time. God has brought great redemption to my life. In fact, I married my wonderful husband exactly two years to the date after I got kicked out of the Bible study. With all that behind me, and so much good in my life, why am I still working on forgiving her?
As I said, I didn't know what forgiveness really meant. When this situation with Cassandra and the Bible study first happened, I struggled with real, dark, black, suffocating hatred, and I wished her ill will. That scared me. I had never known such hardness in my own heart. I had never known what evil thoughts I was capable of. Thankfully, I immediately repented of my hatred,and asked God to take it. I told Him I couldn't stop hating Cassandra in my own strength, but I wanted to stop, and only He could help me. It was an earnest prayer, and I know God heard me, because the blackness in my soul disappeared instantly. I no longer wanted evil things to befall her. I think God honored my desire to do right here. So, if that is it, then I forgave her right then. I believe, for certain, that God started the forgiveness process in my heart then.
One of the wonderful things I have learned is that forgiveness, like all other Christian virtues, are instilled in us by Christ. We don't have to conjure it up. We just have to be willing to be willing to forgive.
But what about those bad feelings I sometimes still struggle with toward Cassandra, Tasha, and other people? Just the other day, I was thinking about this when an image came to my mind. It wasn't a vision, or anything as dramatic as that. It was just a picture. In my mind's eye, I saw Jesus on that cross. And as He looked at the men who were killing Him and mocking Him, He was loving them. The love in His eyes was like nothing I have ever seen in any human being. And it brought me to shame. I am incapable of loving people who hurt me...and nobody has hurt me the way they hurt Jesus. Yet He loved them and forgave them on the spot. I wept at my own inadequacy. But then the Lord reminded me of the rest of the story...
Jesus died, was buried, and rose again Easter morning. After His resurrection, He appeared to His loved ones. Mary. John. Peter, Thomas. All the disciples. In each way, His appearance was meaningful to the individual, and reflected part of their relationship to Him. There are accounts in the gospels of His appearances after the resurrection. Yet...he is never recorded to have appeared to those who killed Him. He loved them and forgave them...but then was done with them. He didn't try to befriend them or reach out to them after that. He invested in His chosen ones.
And that is a model for me. I can love people--with God's help--but I choose to enjoy and invest in my friends and family. I cherish them. God doesn't expect me to like Tasha or Cassandra, or track them down, or invest any further time in my life or mind on them. I might always have irritation if they come to mind, but I have given it to the Lord, and am allowing Him to make me more like Jesus daily. One day, in Heaven, I really will have that love that only Jesus could have. And, since Tasha and Cassandra will be there, maybe we will be friends then. In a twinkling of an eye, we will be changed.
I don't feel so unforgiving now. I'm a work in progress. I'm on my journey with the Lord. So are you. It's okay. Just don't get off the path!
No comments:
Post a Comment