Nonsense

     This week, I've witnessed a lot of nonsense.  This nonsense, ironically, has come from a place that is supposed to be the issuer of common sense...the school system.

     I have been involved in education on different levels since 1999.  I have worked in Christian and secular settings.  Everywhere God has had me, I've seen it as a Divine Appointment.  I have been able to represent the Lord to children and adults.  In every setting, I have been able to share Christ in certain ways, sometimes more subtly than others  In public schools, I have been able to connect with other believers working there, and we've gotten together to pray for our kids.  There have been times I've prayed for certain kids and wondered if anyone else on earth ever prayed for them.  It was a divine calling.  I believe God puts us where He wants us to be a light.  I know many wonderful people who work for public and private schools, being a blessing to kids.  

     Having said that, I have become more and more distressed with the school system in this nation.  I have worked in three states.  I have met some very dedicated and diligent teachers.  I do not think teachers or any other school personnel are the problem.  I want that to be clear.  It's a system that is bigger than all of them.  People claim public schools are supposed to be "neutral" on moral and religious matters.  Let's look at that a minute. 

     The dictionary definition of the word neutral states: not helping or supporting either side of a conflict, disagreement, etc.  By this definition, if our public schools are neutral, it would mean that they neither promote nor prohibit the spread of any particular faith or view.  Is this true?  

     A California mother I know recently pulled her children out of public school.  This is a markedly conservative area with many Christians and churches.  However, the school system does not reflect the area.  They opted to have a religious studies program.  They claimed they would be giving equal time to each religion.  However, they crammed Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism and a few others into two weeks, but gave Islam a detailed eight-week study and presentation.  Does this sound neutral?  This mother went to the school district and complained, and all she got was the superintendent rolling his eyes at her and saying, "Oh, another Fundamentalist Christian."  As if he'd been dealing with them all day (and if he had, why didn't he take them seriously?).  This same district also began pushing sexual identity education in lower elementary school.  This was the final straw for the mother I mentioned.  Not only did she pull her children out, but so did most of her neighbors.  

     I have spent this summer working in a Christian preschool.  They not only have classes for infants through pre-Kindergarten, but also have before and after elementary care.  One little boy, whom I have worked with a lot this summer, started kindergarten this past week.  He came back very shaken up a few days into it.  He had been reprimanded for praying for his lunch in the cafeteria.  He was told he was bullying.  He was almost in tears as he confusedly shared this with us.  This precious child of God was attacked for his childlike faith.  His belief in Jesus was a threat to the big people.  He is too sweet, young and innocent to understand.  My coworker and I assured him he was allowed to pray by himself.  Together, we stayed late and prayed for the situation.  The very next day, this child came back elated.  His teacher told him it was okay for him to pray.  Several other children in his class excitedly said they're going to start praying too!  This child is only five  years old, but he has already faced persecution, fought a spiritual battle, and been a witness.  He will not lose his reward (Matthew 5:11-12).  Does it sound like the school was initially being neutral?  They were hindering a child from practicing his faith.  The teacher herself was neutral, but the cafeteria people weren't.  

     I shared this story in a recent post, but a Christian teenager where I live told me he got out his Bible to quietly read during an after-school program at his junior high.  The staff in charge immediately demanded he put it away, because it's supposedly not "fair" to other faiths.  If this person was truly neutral, he wouldn't be so against this boy reading the Bible quietly.  I have a feeling he wouldn't have made someone put a Quran away.  But even if they were equally hard on all people of faith, that still isn't neutral.  Neutral, by definition, would mean they neither encouraged nor discouraged it.  

     A friend of mine in the Midwest shared that her daughter recently came home from school and shared that a boy from their church got in trouble for mentioning God.  This mother had the right response.  She said her daughter is allowed to talk about God and anyone who has a problem can talk to her.  Still, it is disheartening to see this is happening all over the country.  

     Let's also not forget that prayer was removed from public schools in 1962.  In the decades since, our country has faced unparalleled violence in our schools, particularly in the last 20 years.  It wasn't always that way.  In 1647, the Colony of Massachusetts passed the Old Deluder Satan Act, promoting public education and literacy.  The idea was that if people could read, they could read the Bible, and not be deluded by Satan.  That was the whole purpose of public education at the dawn of our country.  They didn't want to push a particular sect, as had been the case in England, but they wanted people to read the Bible.  Our nation was founded on the principle of religious freedom, and yes, most of these early colonists were Christians.  If people today find that offensive, they should find another country to move to, one founded on some other religion.  Somehow, I doubt they will, though.  

     The Theory of Evolution is taught as fact in our schools, called science (That's a joke!).  Students aren't even given the information that this is only a theory, less than 200 years old (and there is actually no conclusive evidence to back it up).  For something to be true science, it must be observable, measurable and repeatable.  Evolution is none of these things.  There are a lot of arguments I could bring up, and if you're interested, say so in the comments, and we can chat about it.  For the moment, lets consider if teaching Evolution as if it's a fact is "neutral."  Just because something is atheistic doesn't make it neutral.  Neutral would be giving equal attention to Evolution and Creation and letting students draw their own conclusions.  That would be "neutral".  Not taking a side.  Clearly, the side of the majority of public schools is with Evolution, not Creation.  

     Think about places that are religiously neutral.  Grocery stores neither hinder nor promote faith.  Dentist offices neither hinder nor promote faith.  Libraries neither hinder nor promote faith (they may have books on different religions, depending on the demand in the area).  In all of these settings, you are not being bombarded with any sort of agenda for or against any particular faith.  You are also not discouraged from your faith.  If you run into a friend from church in the grocery store and strike up a spiritual conversation, no one is going to order you to stop.  Are schools truly neutral like this?  No, they are not.  

     It is very important to know our rights as Americans.  Students have the right to pray and bring their Bibles to school (look it up!).  One time, I was standing across the street from a public elementary school.  I was passing out fliers to a Bible club held at a nearby church.  I had called the school district and asked permission, but they told me that if I wasn't technically on the campus, and wasn't disturbing the flow of traffic, then I didn't need permission.  So, there I was.   The school's principal came out and tried to intimidate me.  She was very condescending, and tried to imply I was trespassing.  I politely told her I wasn't on school grounds and was within my rights as a citizen.  She tried a few of these tactics, and I kept replying calmly.  She finally turned and walked away without another word.  Knowing our rights and politely asserting them is key.  Too often, we let ourselves be bullied, and we give our rights away.  The godless pounce on this and continue making us feel like we can't talk about the Lord, and we just give in and try to be secret.  We do have rights!  We need to use them!

     I have been involved in a few discussions with others about these things this past week.  Many Christians are doing things to reach the public schools.  Christian teachers, librarians, and other school staff pray for their students and consider their jobs their ministries.  God puts people like this into dark places to shine for Him.  I've been there myself, and I have nothing but respect for these believers.  Other Christian groups start on-campus Bible clubs to reach students.  Child Evangelism Fellowship has After-School Good News Clubs on campuses, and has since 2001, when the supreme court ruled that Christian groups be allowed to have clubs on campus on the same basis that any other group could meet there.  These ministries are reaching the kids in our schools.  

     Having said all of that, it is my considered opinion that the public school system in our nation is corrupt.  There are godly people that God has placed there.  Not every school is equally depraved.  But this is a failing system.  Children are being bullied by a one-sided worldview claiming to be neutral.  Disagreeing with this agenda gets people labeled as a bully, a bigot, or worse.  This agenda accuses Christians of doing what they, themselves are doing, brainwashing.  A very interesting article I read describes a very bold nun who urges parents to remove their children from the corrupt system.  You can read the article here.  I found it very interesting, and while I'm not a Roman Catholic myself, I find myself completely agreeing with this woman of faith.  

     Voltaire said, "To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you're not allowed to criticize."  If this is true, Christians don't rule this country.  Who are we not allowed to criticize?  You know, and so do I.  

     For a more biblical quote on the subject (since, clearly, Voltaire isn't biblical), I'd like to close with John 15:18-25.  This passage in Jesus' words, explains the why behind all of this: “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.  Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. Whoever hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them the works no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. As it is, they have seen, and yet they have hated both me and my Father.  But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: ‘They hated me without reason.'"

     

     

It's about the Truth

     One thing that concerns me deeply in this day and age is the concentrated efforts of my generation to vilify the church, citing reasons that have nothing to do with the church's real purpose!

     Whole books have been written, ongoing blogs and YouTube videos are created, all with the purpose of defaming the church, organized faith of any kind, and especially evangelical Christianity.  As I said, many of those involved in it are of my generation, and many grew up in solid Christian faith.  

     Do things happen inside the church that shouldn't?  Yes, sadly.  There is a reason for this.  No one is perfect, aside from Christ Himself.  A church I know well in South Dakota has a slogan "No Perfect People Allowed."  In saying that, they aren't suggesting that some are perfect, and therefore unwelcome.  Rather, they are acknowledging in a tongue-in-cheek way that no one is perfect, and all are welcome to come in and hear the truth.  

     Very few people (if any) that I hear who try to dismantle Christianity have logic in their equation.  Very few claim to have left the faith over theology.  It's almost always about people.  Someone hurt them.  A group of people hurt them.  People have let them down or disappointed them.  

     I remember when I was going to a secular community college at age eighteen.  I went out to dinner with two friends from my class, and as we ate, I was trying to share the gospel with them.  All they kept saying was, "But what about the hypocrites?"  That's all they could talk about.  I finally said, "What about them?"  This kind of ended the conversation, as they didn't have an answer to that, but didn't want to hear more from me.  

     As Christians, we need to take our testimony seriously.  We need discernment, especially when running any sort of ministry.  But someone being hurt or offended by the church is no excuse for them to deny the faith.  God isn't going to listen to excuses on Judgment Day for their rejection of His Son.  

     The church is many things.  It is community.  It is fellowship.  It is tradition.  It can be fun.  But the ultimate purpose of the church is the truth.  If a church is no longer teaching the truth, then it's a good time to look for another.  But if someone is so busy counting the hypocrites that he fails to hear the truth, he only harms himself.  God will deal with the hypocrites in the end.  But if someone fails to embrace the truth, he ultimately loses.  

     One thing I notice about all my contemporaries who decry my faith is that they have no real doctrinal positions.  They know what they dislike about Christians, but they don't really have a statement about what they believe themselves.  They are doctrinally indifferent.  This is nothing new.  In his 1923 book Christianity and Liberalism, John Greshem Machen shares his great concerns for the liberal view of the faith--the vague indifference toward exact doctrine.  This book is almost 100 years old, but could have been written a month ago.  Machen expressed a lot of concern with the way people he knew were getting in the mindset that downplayed doctrinal truth and redefined Christianity as a "way of life," emphasizing good deeds over truth.  He says, "Christianity...is a religion, founded not on aspirations, but on facts."  Doctrine is what matters.  Did the pastor do something hurtful?  I'm deeply sorry.  If you can't live with it, find another church.  But did he preach false doctrine?  Then run--don't walk--as fast as you can in the other direction.  It's about the truth.  

     I understand being hurt by other believers.  I understand disagreeing with the majority of the Christian community on something, and feeling like the odd one out as a result.  I understanding seeing some of the church's marketing efforts as lame.  That happens, unfortunately.  But faith should never be about that.  It's about the truth of who Jesus is and what He has done for us.  If you believe that, and have embraced Christ for yourself, that's what matters.  God is big enough to fill in the gaps left by imperfect Christians.  You are responsible for your soul.  You have one life on this earth to choose to follow Christ.  Don't blow it because of less important distractions.  

No Fair!

     We live in a world that operates on a false assumption, and that is this:  Everything must be fair.  The truth is, life isn't fair.  Not at all.

     I tried to teach my fifth grade students this concept this past year.  They felt it wasn't fair that I was helping one particular student more than others (this student had much greater need for help).  I surprised them by saying, "You're right, it isn't fair."  I let this sink in a moment.  "Do you want everything to always be 100% fair?"  Of course they did, so I went on to explain.  "Let's just say that your doctor wanted to be completely fair to all his patients.  You went in to see him for a bad cold.  After he examined you, you asked if he could prescribe some medicine, and instead of doing that, he said, 'Sorry, but I have to be fair to all my patients, and the last guy who came in needed me to put a cast on his arm, so I'm going to have to put a cast on your arm too, in order to be fair.'"  The kids all laughed at the ridiculousness of this.  "Doctors aren't supposed to be fair, they're supposed to give each of their patients what they need.  That's the same with teachers.  If you're not getting what you need from me, you need to talk to me about it.  But otherwise, don't get angry when I help someone else get what they need."

      

     In some ways, I think this demand for fairness has hindered the way people perceive us as Christians.  We stand on God's word (and may we never stop!), but many see our faith as "unfair" to other faiths.  For example...

     A Christian teenager was sharing with me how he brought his Bible to an after-school program at his junior high school.  Everyone was working on homework, doodling, talking among themselves.  There was no structure.  This young man got out his Bible and quietly read, minding his own business.  One of the staff in this program (who was really just there for supervision) immediately made him put it away.  He politely asked why, and was told, "It isn't fair to other religions."  Wait a minute!  This young man was reading quietly.  He wasn't bothering or offending anyone.  How was it "unfair" and if it was, would they have made someone put a Quran away?  Why not let everyone be equally "unfair" and read their books?  This idea that everything has to be fair ends up becoming offensive really fast.

  

     It's more than that, though.  Many in the LGBT community claim fundamentalist Christians are unfair for saying marriage is to be between one man and one woman, for life.  And I can see how they would think and feel that way.  It does seem kind of unfair, saying some people can marry the love of their life and others can't.  But it isn't that simple.  No one's love life is "fair".  Some people have had tragic stories of lost love in their lives.  Is that fair?  I'm going to return to that in a moment.

     Jesus said in Luke 9:23, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me."  What does this mean, and what does it have to do with fairness?

     Every human ever created has desires.  Desires for friendship.  Desires for food.  Desires for all sorts of things.  Sexual desires are among those.  God wants us to have joy (Psalm 16:11), and knows what is best for us (Matthew 6:8).  As such, He placed boundaries on every one of our desires.  Food is good, but overindulging is bad for us (Proverbs 25:16).  Many would say wine is good, but again, overindulging is a sin (Ephesians 5:18).  What about sex?  Sex is good.  God created it (Genesis 2).  But as with all other desires, there are boundaries in place. Sex is for marriage (Hebrews 13:4).  Marriage is for one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-5, Romans 1).  According to all of these passages, only those who are married are able to enjoy sex.  Sounds kind of unfair, huh?  But this doesn't just hit homosexuals.  This hits single people.  This hits people who are married, but find themselves attracted to another.  Jesus tells all of us to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him.  For the single person, that cross might be a deep desire for sexual fulfillment in marriage, but not having it at this time.  For the person with same-sex attraction, that cross is pretty similar; having sexual desires that aren't fulfilled, but carrying on in the Christian life anyway.  What I think many in the LGBT community don't see is that we aren't trying to put restraints on them.  We are trying to encourage everyone to deny themselves, take up their crosses, and follow Jesus.  I was single until I was thirty-three. Did I struggle with sexual desires all those years?  Yes!  Of course I did!  Many out there would say I should have indulged myself.  But that isn't God's way.  Just like Jesus said, I denied myself (meaning I didn't indulge those desires), took up my cross (those unfulfilled longings) and followed Christ.  Anyone can do it, with God's help (Philippians 4:13).  That's what we're called to do.

     Along the same lines, what about this transgender phenomena that didn't even exist a decade ago and seemed to come out of nowhere?  I believe there are hurting people who struggle with their body, perhaps feeling they should be the opposite sex than their body indicates them to be.  If anybody understands being trapped in an insufficient body, it's Jesus!  He is God!  Yet He took on frail human flesh.  He wasn't even a great-looking human by our standards (Isaiah 53:2).  Pretty average, I'd imagine.  All that power contained in a human body.  Jesus understands those who struggle with their bodies.  And yet He also gives us the example.  He was completely obedient to the Father while He was in His earthly body (Philippians 2:8).  If someone feels their body is wrong for them, they must realize that God didn't make a mistake when He crated their body.  God makes no mistakes (Numbers 23:19).  God's grace is sufficient for coping with a body that seems wrong (Second Corinthians 12:9).  There is an agenda being pushed on these hurting people.  They are being used as anti-Christian propaganda.  They are falsely being promised that they can be whatever they want...when only God grants anything, and makes no such promises.  A person living with this disconnect between body and mindset must do what everyone else is called to do.  Deny themselves, take up their crosses and follow Jesus.  No one is exempt.

     It isn't all about sexual desires either.  Every person, no matter what their walk of life, has things they should deny.  As I said, no one is exempt.  Why wouldn't God want us to just indulge in whatever we want?  The same reason a good parent wouldn't (Matthew 7:11).  God loves you and has wonderful purposes for you that would go beyond your wildest dreams.  The truth is, none of the things you want can possibly satisfy you ultimately, deep inside.  Psalm 37:4 says that God can give you your hearts desires.  Psalm 16:11 says that in His presence is fullness of joy.  Nothing else will ultimately satisfy.  Not even a perfectly fair world.

     A lot of people don't like self-denial.  Let's face it, does anybody really enjoy it?  When my doctor made me give up caffeine in 2010, it was incredibly hard to deny myself!  It took a year to stop craving it!  It wasn't fair, but it was for my health.  In life, there are many other areas that are so much more important than caffeine consumption.  We must deny ourselves, take up our crosses and follow Christ.  Let Him fulfill us (Psalm 37:4).  It's hard.  But it's what we're called to do.  It isn't about being "fair".  It's about loving Jesus.  He gave Himself for us.  I know He didn't "feel" like it.  Was it "fair" for Him to take our place on the cross, when we deserve it?  No, it wasn't fair.  It was better than fair.  It was grace.
   

Not Worth It!

     I've had a lot of momentous days in my life. The day I came to Christ as my personal Savior. High school graduation. Wedding day...among other days. However, only one day takes the cake for the most ridiculous day of my entire life. That was December 31, 1991. New Year's Eve.  I was a preteen, just coming to that age when peer pressure means something. And that was the one of the only times in my life that I can honestly say I gave into peer pressure...and learned a hard lesson.

Here I am, early 1992, very shortly after the events in this story take place.  The girl in this picture was wiser than she had been a little over a month earlier on New Years Eve 1991.  

     I was never much of a follower of other people. I'm a rule follower and submit to authority, but I think for myself and always have. Mean girls never liked me much, because their whole routine revolves around power, and I never gave it to them. I was more of a leader myself, although I really wasn't intent on controlling others. I just didn't want to be controlled. That's pretty much how I still am. 

     On that fateful New Years Eve in 1991, I had run an errand with my mother. While I was gone, the girl who lived on the corner (I'll call her Pamela here to protect her privacy), came over to see me. After my dad (who was home) told her I was out with my mom, Pamela wrote me a note and left it in the garage on my bike, knowing I would find it when I got home. The note just basically said that I could come to her house when I got home. I got home within the hour, found her note, and went over to her house. Her mother told me that they now had company, and Pamela couldn't come over now. Shrugging, I went home. I was hanging out in my garage. Unfortunately (as you'll see), I hadn't thrown away Pamela's note. It was still setting out in the garage.


     As I was just hanging out, some other neighbor girls came over. Two of them were girls I hung out with a lot, Sarah and Lindsay. The other two were sisters, considered the "cool" girls in the neighborhood, Jessica and Andrea. I had hung out with them at our local pool, but nowhere else. This was the first time they'd come over to my house. I was a little distrustful of them, and didn't know why they were over here now.

      "Hi Janelle," Jessica, the oldest, walked into the garage as if she owned it. "We heard you got a new bike, and we came over to see it." 

     It was true that I had just bought a new bicycle a few days earlier. It wasn't a Christmas present. I had saved my allowance for all of 1991 (and done odd jobs for neighbors) in order to buy my dream bike, and I had finally had enough money a few days after Christmas. It was a ten-speed, and I was proud of it. 
I let my guard down a little as the girls all paraded into the garage to see my new bike. 

Alas, we sold my dream bike several years later at a garage sale, but this is pretty similar to what it looked like...only mine didn't have a basket in the front.

     "Oh, Janelle!" Andrea ran her hand over the handle bars. "No wonder it took you all year to save up! This bike is amazing!" 


     "It's even better than mine," Sarah agreed. Her bike was the a similar design, but was a one-speed. 


     "But yours has a basket in the front. I wish mine did," I told her, mainly trying to be kind.


     "We should all go for a bike ride," Lindsay suggested. 


     "Hey, what's this?" Andrea suddenly bent over, picking up Pamela's note from where it had fallen onto the garage floor.
 
     "Oh, it's just a note Pamela left me earlier," I shrugged.

     Andrea read the note silently. "Look at this!" She exclaimed, handing it to her sister.
Jessica read the note aloud. "The nerve of her!" She exclaimed. "Who does Pamela think she is, trying to make you come over to her house when we were on the way over!  She was trying to get you to ditch us and only be with her!"
 
     Right off the bat, I saw how ridiculous this reasoning was. There was nothing malicious in Pamela's note. She was just inviting me over, as a friend. Neither she nor I had any way of knowing these four girls were coming over to my house. I tried to tell the girls this, but all four of them got worked up. 


     "Pamela's a jerk. She's always trying to make people ditch their friends to go to her house!" 


     I kept telling them this wasn't true, but they were so overexcited. They started making fun of Pamela meanly. I felt really uncomfortable. I was starting to get tired of arguing with them. I wish I had told all four of them to take a hike.  In fact, in many ways, if I were given the chance to change one thing in my life, this would be it.

     Finally, after an hour of this discussion, I finally agreed that Pamela shouldn't have written me the note, and should have just come over when I got home instead. I didn't even agree with what I was saying, but I was just trying to end the conversation and move on. 

     "Then let's write her a note of our own, telling her what we think of her!" Jessica suggested, and I knew I would never let them write something mean to Pamela. 


     "I'll write it," I said, knowing that I could keep it from being unkind. We all sat down. I got out a pencil and paper, and proceeded to write the stupidest thing I've ever written. My note said something like this:


Dear Pamela, Next time you want to visit, just call me or come over. If you write a note, it could accidentally hurt my feelings by mistake. See you later. Janelle

     It was pretty stupid, writing a note to tell someone not to write a note. It wasn't a mean note, as you can see, but it was really dumb. Andrea and Jessica kept reading over my shoulder, and threw out things they wanted me to put in, but I didn't use any of their ideas. 

     "Now let's go give it to her!" Jessica exclaimed as we saw Pamela and her company strolling down the street.
 
     Even though the note I wrote wasn't mean, it was really idiotic. And I am sure it looked mean to Pamela to see five girls run up to her and hand her a note. As we walked away, Jessica, Andrea, Lindsay and Sarah all laughed, and I'm sure that made it worse. I felt really nervous and bad about it. 


     "That'll show her!" Andrea laughed as we got back to my garage. 


     About ten minute later, Pamela walked up my driveway. "My mom wants to talk to you," she told me. 


     "Dum-de-dum-dum-DUM!" Jessica laughed, indicating that I was really in trouble now. I hoped I wasn't, but I was nervous. I kind of knew it was wrong of me to write the note to Pamela. 
I followed Pamela to her house on the corner. My four "friends" stayed behind in my garage, laughing. 
As soon as I got inside Pamela's house, her mother lit into me. She raged at me in a way that I think was way out of proportion. However, I had been mean to her daughter. Worse, I had let myself be pressured into it. And I didn't even do it to be cool or accepted. I did it to end an argument. I was tired of fighting and took the path of least resistance. I was wrong. I had sinned against God and Pamela. 

     Pamela's mother told me I was never allowed to visit with Pamela again. Pamela burst into tears, and I felt horrible. Fighting tears myself, I said, "I have to go home for dinner!" and ran out the front door. 

     Back in my garage, the four girls were making fun of Pamela. 


     "I think you guys should go home," I told them. 


     "It's a free country," Jessica challenged. 


     "But it's my parent's property," I glared at her. I was furious. They had gotten me in trouble, and didn't even care! They were still intent on being mean to Pamela. 


     "Janelle!" My dad's voice boomed around the corner just before he appeared in the garage. "Pamela's mother just called. You're grounded!" 


     "Ooooh!" The other girls all laughed as they excused themselves. Some friends. 


     Both of my parents yelled at me for the next hour, telling me what I already knew, I had been wrong to give into peer pressure. 


     "I wish I could keep Pamela's note," My dad told me. "And make you read it every day for the rest of your life!" 


     I shuddered at the thought of this incident following me all my life. I pictured myself as an elderly woman, still reading Pamela's note and feeling guilty, 


     After about an hour, my parents calmed down and left me to my own guilt. As I sat there, I realized that the next day would be a new year, 1992, and I wanted that year to be different. I wanted to make the right kinds of choices. To honor God, and hang out with good friends who encouraged me to do what was right.
 
     I never hung out with Andrea or Jessica again. My friendships with Lindsay and Sarah waned as well (though, interesting side-note, my sister ended up buying Sarah's bicycle from her at a garage sale, so we had matching bikes).  Pamela's mother got over her anger in a few days, and Pamela began to come over again (I was too scared to set foot in their house for a while). 

That last day of 1991 was a turning point in my life. I saw what peer pressure really is. It's a lie. It promises more than it gives. What I learned is that it is NOT WORTH IT I resolved to do right, and by God's grace, I've done my best.

Save this Date

    What influenced you in your formative years?  What influenced your generation?  What had an impact?  Do you have regrets about what impacted you or others?

     I believe we don't always know how easily influenced we are.  Things impact our thinking, the vocabulary we use, and the way we conduct ourselves in situations...and we don't even realize it.  Popular culture, politics, music, sports, etc. all have a part.  But we can draw the line at any point and decide we disagree with these influences and no longer wish to be impacted by them.  Other influences are harder to separate ourselves from.

     I grew up as a Christian in the 80s and 90s.  As such, there were a lot of fun and godly books, movies and audio that impacted me, and these things still nostalgically warm my heart today.
 

     These are just a few fun Christian influences in my life growing up (I was an older teen by the time VeggieTales had their heyday, so that wasn't part of my formative influence).  Adventures in Odyssey is still around, and I'm still a fan.  My husband and I listen to them during car trips and have a blast!  All of these things were a positive backdrop to my life in a happy family, Christian school, close-knit neighborhood, and wonderful church family (with the world's best AWANA club!).

     These and other influences were good, but the only perfect influence is God's word.  This is very important to remember.

     When I was in junior high, I had a boyfriend in my church youth group.  Being a romantic young girl, I fantasized about him proposing to me.  He liked me, but I'm sure a marriage proposal was the furthest thing from his mind!   As we were starting high school, I began to get a glimpse of God's calling on my life into evangelism.  The boyfriend didn't share this, nor was he a particularly strong believer.  I distanced myself from him as God led me onward.  A few months into our freshman year, circumstances beyond either of our control separated us.  I realized how dumb it was to have a boyfriend when I had no control of my life yet.  I determined not to date until I was 18 and out if high school.  I reasoned that by then, I'd have a better idea of where God was leading me, and I'd be ready for adult decisions.  This was the right choice for me.  Not perfect.  Not foolproof.  Just right for me.

    I wasn't the only one drawing this conclusion in the mid-90s.  This personal decision of mine came at a time when the Christian community was involved in purity movements.  A very influential book came out when I was about 16, entitled I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris.  All my Christian friends were reading it.  I bought a copy at the Christian bookstore and did the same.

     This book had some good points, but wasn't particularly monumental to me.  I already had my convictions in place, and was shocked when some elevated this book almost to the level of scripture.  I felt author Joshua Harris (who was only 21 years old, and single) had holes in some of his theories.  There were implications that dating someone you didn't end up married to made you damaged goods and incapable of being a good spouse.  Where was the redemption in this?  The idea almost felt like, "The first person I date had better be the one I marry or I've really failed."  This put a lot of stress on my generation of young adults.  Also, this book said not to date, but didn't really give any advice about when you were ready for a relationship.  As a result, there was a lot of confusion about the right way to act toward fellow believers of the opposite sex.  A lot of emphasis was put on proper form without necessarily the right heart attitude.  With dating taken away as an option, a lot of passive-aggressive games began taking place between Christian men and women.

     I've alluded to this before, but on a mission trip I went on at age 18, I met a guy who showed an interest immediately.  He was 22, and by that point I was at an age where I felt ready to have a relationship with a Christian man.  I gave him too much credit for being as mature as I was...which he wasn't.  Right away, he tried to impress me with his "True Love Waits" purity paraphernalia.  But all it was to him was a slogan, because he began to act very impure toward me.  The whole emphasis was on sex.  He talked about marriage, but even in that, the focus was on sex, not love.  I became a bit disgusted.  One night, in a moment of weakness, he came onto me way too strongly, and I ran.  I assume he was ashamed, because he wouldn't look at me after this.  It was stupid and humiliating.  His purity stuff obviously meant nothing to him.

     After this, seeing so much hypocrisy, I was very turned off of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Josh Harris' methods.  It seemed like legalism that had no power to produce life change.

     A few years later, when I was about 20, Joshua Harris wrote another book, entitled Boy Meets Girl, sharing how he had met his wife.  He introduced the idea of courtship.  By this point, the courtship culture had taken over Christianity.  I could never get a straight answer as to what it exactly was.

     If courtship is dating intentionally, with marriage as the goal, then I agree completely, but don't care for the term.  People get really hung up on words.  As a single, I believed in intentional dating, and would still encourage singles to do it now. I called it dating, though, not courting.  However, I heard people describe courtship as arranged marriages, or other definitions that sound odd in Western culture.  Many people who talk about courtship mean that, even though the man and woman are both adults, their parents have to be involved in everything.  I know my parents had no desire for that kind of involvement.  They raised me to make good decisions and follow the Lord.  They wanted to support me and advise me, but not manage me.  I've heard people use the phrase "Biblical Courtship."  To me, it's a joke.  There are some love stories in the Bible (my two favorites being Isaac and Rebekah, and Boaz and Ruth).  However, none of these stories shared any sort of formula for relationships.  There is no command in the Bible about how to date/court.  The common denominator between these biblical love stories was the Sovereign hand of God in their lives, and their faith and obedience.  To me, the big takeaway is that in ALL areas of our lives, we are to walk with God, trusting and obeying Him, and letting Him work in and through us.  Everyone's story is different.  God doesn't give us a blueprint model to follow.

     The Bible does give us guidelines.  Purity is important.  But the way it was done in the 90s actually put more of an emphasis on sex.  Our emphasis should be on the Lordship of Christ---in ALL areas.  I believe both of Joshua Harris' books had some good, but much legalism.  It was like they were giving a formula to follow in order to get a dream marriage and sex life.  I now hear it called the "sexual prosperity gospel."  We are never promised these things.  What we ARE promised is better--God's presence, fullness of joy, His will for our lives, treasures in Heaven, and so much more!

     I came to the point early on that most books on the subject were unnecessary.  As believers, all we need is God's word, the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and the accountability of trusted friends.

     I didn't give Joshua Harris any thought for many years.  He went on with his life as a husband and father. I hear he became a pastor on the East Coast, until 2015, when he went back to seminary.  I didn't hear about him until 2017, when my husband excitedly told me that Joshua Harris had recanted I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  My husband suffered much more than I did as a result of that book's cult following, which was why he was so thrilled.  Joshua Harris even made a documentary about it, in which he talked to people who were hurt by his message and it's effect on Christian culture.  He expressed humility, and seemed to have grown in the Lord beyond his legalism.  He didn't appear to be denying every word he had written.  He claimed to still believe the biblical truths, just not the places he had added to God's truth in a way.  I was encouraged he had grown, as we all do.  I had my own misplaced zeal about things at 21 myself (if we are honest, we probably all did).  Again, I moved on without much thought of him.
     

   You can imagine my shock and sadness In the last few days when Joshua Harris again made headlines.  On July 19, he announced that he was leaving his wife of 20 years.  A week later (July 26) he confessed to not actually being a Christian. 

     What?!  This influential voice to my generation is not only walking away from his message (possibly a good thing), but from his wife and faith?  How does this stuff happen?  I am genuinely grieved.

     I'm going to close in a minute with a letter an old ministry friend of Josh's wrote to him, because it expresses what I feel about this.  But the big takeaway for me is this: all we need is the Bible.  Books can be good and encouraging, but we have to be so careful not to follow every wind of doctrine that blows through (Ephesians 4:14).  It isn't all good.  We need to be careful who we follow.  We need to take people's views with a grain of salt, not follow them like a new gospel.  Legalism is deadly, even if it looks godly and holy.

   
Josh,
My first memory of you was in Olympia, Washington standing in my driveway as a grinning kid when you were about nine years old. I saw you many times as your dad and I spoke at many conferences over the years.
How can I forget that meeting in the lobby of a hotel in Rochester, New York when you told me you had signed a book deal for “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”? I told you it was a bad title and wouldn’t sell. Of course, it outsold everything I have ever written by a wide margin.
The last time I saw you was at your dear mother’s funeral. (I can’t recall if you were at your brothers’ graduation from Patrick Henry College.)
We knew each other very well for many years. And I loved you like a younger brother. And still do.
I don’t think I can reach you in private and what you have said and done is very public, so I am reaching out to you in this way.
You have walked away from your marriage. That’s not right. You have walked away from your faith in Christ. That’s even worse.
This says nothing about Jesus and a great deal about you.
Jesus told us there would be false prophets and teachers among us. Your story doesn’t invalidate Christ’s message because He predicted that people would do exactly what you have done. I just didn’t expect it would ever be you.
I do commend you for the intellectual integrity for recognizing that your secondary views (embracing the LGBT agenda, etc.) are utterly inconsistent with Christianity—as is your view that it is ok to walk away from your marriage for the reasons you have stated. Both of these proved that you had renounced Christianity before you said so publicly.
My heart aches for you in so many ways. It seems that you thought that Christianity was a series of formulas. Formulas for marriage. Formulas for systematic theology. Fear of choosing the wrong formula. Fear of failing to live up to your formula.
You know that I believe in the general approach to courtship that made you famous and pretty rich. You included the story of my oldest daughter and her husband in your second book.
I still believe that purity of mind and body before marriage is the right ideal. But it is not a formula for a happy marriage. It is simply a guiding principle that has to be applied with wisdom, grace, and often forgiveness.
I would never reach this conclusion about you on my own but what you have said yourself can be fairly summarized as this: you thought your faith and your marriage were based on formulas. They never went deeper than that.
Jesus says about people like you that in the last judgment, He will say, “Depart from me, I never knew you.”
You know that this means you never actually knew Him.
As immersed as you were in Christian culture and a career as a pastor, you never actually knew Jesus.
It gives me only heart ache to say these things to you. And Jesus will take no pleasure in pronouncing those words in judgment of you or anyone.
You haven’t walked away from a relationship with Jesus. You have walked away from the culture you were raised in.
Jesus still loves you at this moment. And so do I and countless others. And I will love you no matter what in the days ahead. But my love is tinged in deep sadness.
Josh, you and your story are not the measure of the validity of Christianity.
Jesus is real. He doesn’t want you to return to your prior formulas. He wants you to come to Him for the first time and learn to love.
I am praying for you, Josh.
With love and sorrow.
Mike Farris