A Friend Loveth at All Times

     "And friends are friends forever, if the Lord's the Lord of them.  And a friend will not say never, because the welcome will not end.  Though it's hard to let you go, in the Father's hand we know that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends." Michael W. Smith's iconic song symbolized the Christian definition of friendship as I was growing up in the 80s and 90s. This song often brought tears to my eyes.  I remember it being used in a commissioning service after I completed summer missionary training.  I always felt very at one with those around me when this song was played.   But is that an accurate picture? What do biblical friendships look like?

     Friendship is a misunderstood concept in so many ways.  We call people our friends who are more like acquaintances.  Facebook has us calling our contacts "friends" and has even turned the word friend into a verb.  IE:  "I'm going to look him up and friend him."  We even have the word unfriend in our vocabulary, thanks to Facebook.  There is even a blended word, frenemy, a combination of friend and enemy, to describe someone with whom someone has a friendly relationship on the surface, but an actual dislike underneath.  I don't think any of this fits with what God had in mind for friendship.

     To complicate things even more, some people claim to have a best friend.  Some have more than one.  Some feel left out and don't feel close to others in the group, but want to.  Some people call their whole social circle their friends.

   Friendship is hard to define.  What makes someone a good friend?  Are all friendships meant to last a lifetime, or are some just for a season?  Do friendships change as life circumstances change?

     I think back to the most magic days of my childhood.  I grew up in a small, close-knit church.  The families were all friends.  We kids were all part of the church's small Christian homeschool.  This meant we saw each other on Sunday morning for church, Wednesday night for AWANA, Thursdays for elective classes, and Fridays for a field trip/park day/skate day (Fridays alternated between these three).  On top of that, our families often had each other over for dinner on other nights.  The kids all invited the whole group to their birthday parties. In some ways, it was an idyllic world.  I felt like I was part of something.  I had a sense of community. I would have told you everyone there was my friend.  But were they?

     A few people in that group were true blue friends, and are still my friends today.  Being adults with life responsibilities and living in different states, we aren't able to be as close as we were while growing up.  The love is still there, though.  We can contact each other to ask for prayer, or touch base.  Our hearts really are committed to each other's highest good.  This describes exactly two friends from that time in my life.  What about the rest???

My sister and me with some church/school friends at McDonald's.  1989  

    I think childhood friendships are a little dishonest sometimes.  We choose our friends based on convenience (who we live near, go to school with, etc.), rather than more enduring qualities.  It is really no surprise adult friendships are often more committed and lasting.  By that point in life, we have more control over our lives, who we see, and what we want in a friend.  My friends in our church community growing up were mostly really acquaintances.  I had those two true-blue friends, but the rest weren't really friends.  Some were actually mean at times (yes, homeschooled kids who go to Sunday school and AWANA can still be mean).  As we all got older and developed our interests and discerned our callings, we grew apart, giving up the illusion of being friends in many cases.

     What is a friend?  The Bible gives some examples.  The most famous friendship in Scripture is found in First Samuel.  The friends' names were David and Jonathan.  David was a shepherd boy whom God had chosen as the future king.  Jonathan was the prince, the heir to the throne.  You would think this situation would cause conflict, but First Samuel 18:1 says,  the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.  They were kindred spirits.  They just connected.  Two chapters later, we see these friends making a pact before the Lord to defend each other, and be kind to each other's families.  Jonathan stood up to his jealousy-crazed father for David's sake.  This was a true friendship.  It epitomizes Proverbs 17:17, A friend loveth at all times.  This proverb was written by King Solomon, David's son.  Perhaps he had been told about his father's loyal friend Jonathan, and had that in mind when, under the inspiration of God, he wrote that verse.  A true friend loves us, whether life is fun and easy, or painful and difficult.  I've had "friends" who only stuck around as long as we were having fun, but as soon as a need or difficulty arose, they disappeared.  According to the Bible, that's not a true friend.  If a friendship is based on "What's in it for me?" it isn't real.

      Even more importantly, Jesus defined friendship in John 15:13, greater love hath no man than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.  Friendship's truest test is whether we will lay down our lives for those we love.  We will likely never be put in a situation where we'll have to lay down our physical lives for our friends, but are we willing to lay down our comfort zone for a friend?  How about laying down our preferences?  Are we willing to make time for someone else?  Be inconvenienced?  In a real friendship, this should be a two-way street.  

     In life, some friends change and grow with us, and others don't.  We aren't going to be as close with those who aren't part of our regular lives.  That's just life.  But the love can still be there.  True friendship can still be there.  I have some friends that I can go for a long time without seeing, but once we're together, we pick right back up where we left off.  The connection remains unbroken.  That's how I imagine it will be when we see other believers in Heaven.  

     In a perfect world, friends would never have conflicts or grow apart.  But in real life, it happens.  I have had my share.  It is regrettable.  But believers have had conflicts since the beginning.  In Philippians 4, Paul brought up two women from the church, Euodia and Syntyche, who were in a conflict that the readers of the letter were aware of.  How embarrassing!  Paul urged them to be of the same mind in the Lord (verses 2-3).  A more famous example was Paul's "sharp disagreement" with Barnabas.  These two men had served the Lord together in Acts 13-14 (known as Paul's first missionary journey).  Barnabas had been an encouragement to Paul (then known as Saul) as a new believer.  They had seen God do some amazing things as they served together.  And yet in Acts 15:36-41, they had a conflict.  They had been planning to go back to the Christians they'd preached to on their journey.  But Barnabas wanted to have John Mark join them, and Paul was against that.  John Mark had joined them before, and had bowed out.  Paul didn't want to take that chance of him doing it again, but Barnabas did.  Barnabas was always believing in others.  Paul was very focused on the goal.  Neither was necessarily wrong.  But they couldn't reconcile it, so they parted company.  Barnabas went with John Mark, and Paul chose a new traveling companion named Silas.  This is sad, but not tragic.  This led to there being two missionary teams instead of one.  More people heard the gospel.  Also, there was apparently reconciliation, because Paul speaks kindly of Barnabas and John Mark in the epistles (First Corinthians 9:6, Second Timothy 4:11).  

     Romans 12:18 tells us, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  It isn't always possible to have a good relationship with everyone.  Otherwise, this verse wouldn't have so many qualifiers.  The implication here is that it isn't always possible.  Then, we're told as far as it depends on us, we should live at peace.  It is being acknowledged here that even with our best intentions, the other party might not be peaceable with us.  Sadly, sometimes, people aren't close.  I wish all Christians were intimate friends.  I believe we will be in Heaven...but we're not there yet.  When we are, it will be better than anything else we've ever known.  Friendship will be perfect.  I think of the magic of my childhood, growing up at that sweet church.  Then I imagine how great heave will be when everyone is a true friend, not just an acquaintance from the same social circle.  

     To go back to what I started with, are the lyrics to Michael W. Smith's song realistic?  They are the ideal.  In special friendships that are touched by the Lord, I think those words are true.  In an eternal sense, they're definitely true.  We have eternity to be friends with other believers.  While we're on earth, let's treat each other the way God calls us to!  This requires live and loyalty.  "In the Father's hands we kniw, that a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.