Toxic?

      We hear a lot about certain people labeled as Toxic these days.  Is it just a trend, or is there truth to it?  Is there an actual meaning to calling someone toxic, or is it just another mean word to insult someone you don't like?  What does the Bible say about it?  

     It is true that using the word toxic to describe someone is a relatively new phenomena.  When I was growing up, I first became familiar with "toxic" from reading that certain school supplies (such as paint and glue) and cleaning products were "non-toxic" on their label.  It is also true that calling people toxic has become a bit overused, and sort of lost its meaning with people just throwing it around.  Kind of like narcissistic, codependent, abusive, etc.  However, just because something is overused doesn't necessarily mean that it doesn't have a real purpose and meaning. 

     The Bible doesn't call people toxic, but it does use other, equally uncomplimentary words.  Scripture refers to bad people in terms such as evil, wicked, fool, blind, and other things, depending on the circumstance.  In a sense, since we are all sinners, we could all be called these things in a way, but as we grow in Christ, we are being sanctified every day, to become more like Jesus.  Sadly, there are people, Christians and non-Christians alike, who seem bent on destroying others.  These are the people I wish to talk about.  I will establish what a toxic person is, what you should do in response to them, and how to move forward after a toxic encounter.  

     In his book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, Christian author Gary Thomas says that toxicity takes on three different aspects.  A toxic person may exhibit traits from all three of these, or only one or two.  These three forms of toxicity (which I will go into more detail on in the next paragraph) are very similar to what Jesus warned us about in John 10:10, The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy...  This is what the devil will do, and this is what toxic people will do.  (Note: I will put a link at the end of this post that will take you to Gary Thomas' book.  I highly recommend it!).

A Murderous Spirit

     The first face of a toxic person is a murderous spirit.  This doesn't usually mean someone who is a literal murderer.  It is someone who kills your spirit, your joy, your mission, your ministry.  This person, in essence, ruins your effectiveness.  You don't need this in your life.  No one does!  An example of a toxic person in the book of Acts was the demon-possessed fortune teller, who was shouting after Paul and Silas, These men are bond-servants of the Most High God, who are proclaiming to you a way of salvation. (Acts 16:17).  Notice that what she was saying was the truth, but it was being said in a loud, obnoxious way, and was hindering their ministry.  Sometimes, toxic people will misuse truth.  

     I will give you a personal example of this.  I monitor a prayer line for one hour a week.  People from all over the world call in and pray for their ministries.  It has been a true blessing.  However, when I was doing my shift monitoring it last night, I had a woman who stayed on the line through my entire hour-long shift.  In fact, she was on before I came to take over from the previous monitor.  She claimed she loves to stay on for several hours and listen to people's requests so she can know how to pray (I had never run into her on the line before).  Listening to people's requests so she can pray sounds all well and good.  However, she talked a lot more than she listened.  She had the need to talk and pray the entire time.  She didn't let me or anyone else get much of a word in, and I had to be very firm in order to let anything progress as it was supposed to.  She had to comment and lecture everyone after their prayers.  She shared all sorts of information she viewed as very important, but was actually lecturing everyone, and even putting others down.  Some of what she said was nonsense, though a lot technically was biblical.  However, just like Paul and Silas' fortune-telling antagonist in Acts 16, it totally killed the joy and peace on the line, and killed the effectiveness during that hour.  It totally killed my energy and spiritual fervor.  I had to let my superiors in this ministry know about it.  

     A murderous spirit can look different ways, but what all forms of this kind of toxicity has in common is that it wants to kill what you are doing in some way.  

A Need for Control

     The second face of toxic people is a need to control.  Does the person simply have to control everything?  Often this goes hand-in-hand with a murderous spirit, but not always.  Have you ever felt manipulated by someone?  A biblical example of someone being controlling was the false prophet Shemaiah in the book of Jeremiah.  He claimed to speak for God, and told the Israelites that their captivity in Babylon would end in two years.  Jeremiah spoke the truth, that they should dwell in Babylon, and build lives for themselves there, because the captivity would, in fact, be 70 years.  Shemaiah was trying to have the people believe his lie was God's truth.   Satan himself desires to control others. In Isaiah 14:14, he said he would ascend to God's place of authority.  That was what led to his fall, and he has been trying to control people and ruin God's plans ever since.  When a person is being controlling, they are being more like Satan than like God.   History is full of people trying to control others.  Today, that can look like someone claiming to speak for God in order to get someone to follow what they say.  It can be a person manipulating circumstances around others.  It can be someone seeing others as an extension of themselves and being threatened when these other people act and think independently of them.  

     Years ago, I did some ministry with a woman who had started her own organization.  She had contacted me and wanted my ministry to partner with her for an evangelistic event.  That was fine.  I believed in what she stood for, and I did it.  She had me help her several times over the course of a few years.  I always felt she was very controlling, so I didn't get very personally involved with her, but I still did these events with her.  Anyway, she eventually gave a donation to my ministry, and she didn't think I was quick enough to write her a thank you note.  Anyway, even though I had been very grateful to this woman, the fact that she didn't get an immediate note from one particular donation was cause for her to call me on the phone and lecture me and put me down, and tell me I wasn't godly.  She was very condescending, and told me, "I see you as my little sister, and I need to just teach you right from wrong."  I was very insulted, and I told her that I was sorry I hadn't acknowledged her gift, and that I was indeed grateful, but that I felt maybe it was time for me not to do ministry with her anymore.  Well, she couldn't let me be the one to walk away, so she sent me this scathing letter about how she never wanted to see or hear from me again, and how God had told her a secret about me.  Notice God only told her a secret about me when I didn't allow her to manipulate me or put me down.  She had to be in control of that relationship, instead of having a respectful, equal relationship between the two of us.  This type of person steals your right to be an independent person.  They are toxic.

A Love of Hatred

     The final face of toxicity is hate.  The need to destroy.  These people love to hate things.  They are the people who are known for what they hate, rather than what they love.  As Christians, we should be known for loving God, the Bible, the Truth, and people.  Yes, we should hate what God hates.  But we should be known for our love for God and each other (John 13:34-35).  King Saul was known for his hatred of David (First Samuel 18-31).  He was a very toxic person, since his hatred eventually led him to attempted murder, witchcraft, and suicide.  He spent all his time hunting David down, instead of ruling his country.  Some people are perpetually angry.  They are always looking for that next cause to make them mad and hateful.  They have to get that last word in.  They get pleasure out of tearing people down.  

     Year ago, I knew a pastor's wife who was toxic in this way.  She tore down every ministry her husband got involved in.  She constantly and happily sowed discord.  In that way, she probably fit all three of the faces of toxicity, but in particular, she fit this face of hatred.  When Christian singer Sandi Patty had a moral failure in the early 90's, this woman was so excited and happy that a virtuous Christian woman had failed.  How did Sandi Patty's problem benefit her?  It didn't!  It grieved many. Sandi Patty has since repented, and is again serving the Lord through music.  If she, herself, could be grieved and remorseful for her own sins, how could this pastor's wife rejoice in it?  First Corinthians 13:6 says, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.   People who are happy to see others fail rejoice in evil, and that is toxic.  Wishing ill will on someone is toxic.  

     Maybe as you have read these three different types of toxicity, you have thought of other toxic people in the Bible, history, or your own life.  Maybe, though, you have felt a little bit guilty, and wondered if you are toxic, because maybe you have had instances of demonstrating these different categories of toxicity.  Rest assured, this isn't necessarily the case at all.  A toxic person demonstrates these traits as part of their regular modus operandi.  Very rarely will they feel guilt, or worry about whether they might be toxic, so your very worry probably means you aren't.  Toxic people are much more likely to be angry, reading about it, and wondering if someone would dare accuse them of being toxic. Furthermore, when it comes to the different types of toxic behavior, they are energized by stealing, killing and destroying other people's lives.  I once became somewhat controlling in a friendship several years ago.  I didn't do it because I had a compulsive need to manipulate this person.  Some aspects in this friendship changed, and I felt threatened by that, and became controlling.  This friend eventually called me on my controlling behavior, and she was absolutely right.  It was kind of a relief to be called out, because I had gotten no pleasure out of acting that way.  It drained rather than energized me.  We can all fall into these things at times, and it's a chance to grow in the Lord beyond that.  If it is something that grieves you, rather than energizing you, you are not toxic.  

     There are some confusing messages out there about how to handle people who are toxic.  When I was a kid, it seemed like every TV show had an episode about the school bully, and how all the other kids killed the bully with kindness, and it turned them around, and made them into a super nice person.  .  

     As a ten-year-old, I decided to take this message to heart.  There was a very mean little girl in our neighborhood.  She regularly stole from other kids, and said mean things to everyone.  She really hurt a lot of people's feelings.  I got all the kids in the neighborhood together, and we wrote her these really kind notes, and left them on her doorstep, with a bouquet of flowers we had picked from my yard.  It was very sweet...but she didn't care.  She didn't become our friend.  Our gesture didn't make a dent in her meanness.  I think a lot of those TV episodes, while well-intentioned, taught children to become masochists, and also gave a false view of why we should be kind to people.  If the objective is just to change them, we're not really loving them.  I will return to this.

     If someone truly is toxic, remove yourself if you can.  Don't keep trying to invest in that relationship.  We must shatter the illusion that we can change them, or be that missing ingredient in their lives.  Even Jesus walked away from people, and let others walk away from Him.  Mostly, we see Jesus investing in those who wanted Him in their lives.  At the same time, He often invested in people who initially seemed to reject Him.  He reached the heart of the demoniac, turning him into a servant of God (Matthew 8:28-34).  Simon Peter initially told Jesus to get away from him (Luke 5:8), but Jesus saw past that fear to Peter's heart, and made him a disciple, and the very first evangelist at Pentecost (Acts 2).  Jesus was able to determine who had a searching heart and who did not.  That can be tough to do, but God will help us be discerning.  Food for thought: Jesus loved and forgave those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34), and yet after His resurrection, He didn't go back and try to befriend them.  He invested His time with His followers--those who loved and believed in Him, and who would be part of the early church.  Don't let these toxic people harm your God-given mission.  Love and forgive them, but move on from them.  Focus your efforts on those God has called you to.  

     Sometimes, we are called to deal with difficult people for a season, and when that is the case, you must love them from a place of strength, rather than being weak and letting them hurt you.  Jesus said in John 15:13, Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.  Notice He didn't say it is loving to let someone beat you within an inch of your life.  He said to lay down your life, which means it is voluntary.  You can't have a victim mentality and truly love others.  

     A movie that really impacted my youth made this same point.  This was The Buttercream Gang, put out by Feature Films for Families (I will give a link at the end to view the entire move in YouTube, as well as a wholesome and hilarious commentary video good-naturedly making fun of it!).  I was a young adolescent when this movie came out in 1992, and it is still a favorite of mine.  Some people have parodied it on YouTube, due to it's wholesomeness and low-budget, but it really is an enjoyable story, and very nostalgic from the times.  While this movie technically isn't Christian per se, it is conservative and Judeo-Christian.  In this movie, a young teenage boy named Scott really struggles when one of his best friends, Pete, loses his way, and becomes what we would now call a toxic person.  Pete engages in crime, and becomes destructive toward Scott and the community at large.  Scott keeps trying to help Pete, and trying to convince Pete to change.  Pete only gets worse.  After it escalates, and Pete physically harms Scott, Scott's father tells him, "The people who have the greatest impact for good on others are those who love someone without having that person love them back."  He goes on to tell Scott something that the TV episodes about befriending the bully failed to say.  He says, "If you're only loving Pete so he'll change you're loving him for the wrong reason."  He tells Scott to overlook what Pete does and instead think about who he is, and to treat him with unconditional love from a place of strength.  This is a powerful message, and the story very realistically shows Pete still getting worse and more destructive as Scott and others show him unconditional love.  Pete doesn't change immediately, but others do.  Scott does.  He is no longer angry and struggling.  He is choosing love, not expecting anything from Pete.  His own emotional energy is no longer being drained.  The story ends with Pete, after he hits rock bottom, reconciling with them, and even having a good impact on others.  I share this because it illustrates a very fine line between letting someone continue abusing you ("killing the bully with kindness" until they change) and writing people off forever.  You can continue loving people.  As Scott's dad tells him, who they are and what they do are two different things.  They are a person God loves.  Maybe the toxic person has been a friend to you in the past.  They have good qualities.  Treat them as who they are.  Love them without expecting anything in return, whether they ever change or not...but do it from a place of strength, not being a doormat for them to continually abuse.  It is okay to stand up for yourself.  It is okay to distance yourself.  But love them from a place of strength.  I feel that was the message of this movie.  

A still from The Buttercream Gang, Scott talking to his father.

     But isn't it mean to consider someone toxic?  I mean, doesn't God love them?  He definitely loves them.  But if they are being toxic toward you, you are not capable of reaching them.  This post isn't meant to be a major diagnostic thing.  It isn't meant for you to see all the people in your life as toxic now.  It is a way to determine if someone in your life is toxic to you and your mission.  Just because they are toxic to you doesn't mean they are toxic to everyone.  You are not able to reach them, but maybe someone else can.  By saying this person is toxic to you, you are not putting them down.  You are not garnering support for your opinion about this person.  You are deciding what is best and right for you in your mission and effectiveness for Christ.  The whole idea is to determine if someone is toxic toward you, and them remove yourself as much as possible.  Protect your heart, as well as your mission.  That may be just staying away from the toxic person, or keeping a low profile while they're around.  It may need to involve blocking them from being able to reach you (email, text, social media).  Those block features are there for your protection.  Hebrews 12:1 says to lay aside all hindrances.  Toxic people are hindrances to your journey of faith, so lay them aside as much as you can.  Run the race marked out for you.  

     When you understand toxic people, and what you are to do, you are free to engage in what God has called you to, and it becomes a joy instead of a de-energizing force.  Be safe and joyful in the Lord today.  

To order When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, by Gary Thomas: Click here

To watch The Buttercream Gang: Click here

To watch a hilarious commentary good-naturedly making fun of The Buttercream Gang:  Click here

Put up a fight?

     Well, it has happened.  I have been cancelled.  Facebook will no longer allow me to use my author page to promote my blog or other writing projects.  I can technically post, but I am no longer able to boost my posts from that page.  If you are not familiar, boosting is a paid way of advertising your page, where it reaches more people.  I have gained many of my followers by boosting my posts over the last three years.  Now, Facebook has blocked me from being able to do this, and I will be looking for new ways to advertise my blog and books.  If you have any ideas, let me know!  

     Why have I been silenced?  You can read two blog posts ago, my June 2 article about pride.  People with the opposite beliefs are given total freedom on this online platform, but they are threatened by my view.  If something is really right and true, it doesn't need to be forced on people, nor do opposing views need to be silenced.  I want to go on record and say that I am not too upset about this.  I have a joyful, fulfilling life, and if God wants my stuff out there, He will work it out.  If not, well, He has given me so many other things to focus on.  

     We live in a day with unprecedented access to communicate with other humans, often with people we don't even know apart from these encounters.  With the advent of social media, YouTube, blogging, etc. we can truly "reach out and touch someone" like no other generation could even imagine.  This can be a blessing, but can also be a double-edged sword.  We have the opportunities to communicate our beliefs and views on things, and people have the opportunity to agree or disagree with us.  They may choose to have respectful discussion, but quite often, all-out wars break out.  Horrible things are often said.  In my own foray into the world of social media, I have had some people absolutely love things I've said, and become true-blue followers (and even friends in some cases), and have had others say absolutely hateful and disgusting things.  It goes with the territory.  I have accepted that.  I've been told to drop dead, go jump in a lake, and other things of that nature.  I have also been told much worse, none of which is repeatable.  I am fairly certain these people would never say such things if I were physically standing in front of them.  There is something emboldening about being behind a computer screen, with a level of anonymity for security.  

     In social media, as well as in person, we hear people make statements we disagree with, or that rub us the wrong way.  When is it worth it to engage in discussions, and refute these people?  When is it a good idea to challenge something that has been said, and when it is a good idea to walk away silently?  I believe it is a case-by-case thing, and I even think it is a person-by-person thing.  God might not call you to take the same action He'd call me to, and vice-versa.  How are we to view those who make statements we disagree with, or personal attacks?  Let's look at this biblically.

     Proverbs 26:4-5 gives us the idea that there are different ways to handle it in different situations.  Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.  Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.  On the whole, we are called to live at peace with others.  Romans 12:18 says,  If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.  This short verse does give some caveats, though.  If possible.  So far as it depends on you.  This verse recognizes that it isn't always possible, and that it doesn't depend 100% on you (or me), but that other people are part of the equation, and we can't control them.  You can only control you.  On your end, live peaceably.  But it isn't always dependent upon you alone.  So does this mean you are called to just peacefully be silent when people are antagonistic?  Maybe, maybe not.  I believe that depends on what God is calling you to do in the situation.  Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak...  Sometimes, something is your fight...something God has impressed on your heart to speak out on.  Other times, you might feel like something has value and importance, but it isn't specifically vital in your own heart to speak out on it.  God has given that burden to someone else.  That is okay.  You need to do what you are called to do.  

     Here are some general guidelines that might help you in regards to making and responding to controversial statements.  

Decide what is worth it to you 

     What is truly important?  Mark 8:36 says, For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?  People can become heated about almost anything.  Sports, business, politics, you name it.  Some things might be worth an argument, but some are not.  They aren't about the human soul's eternal destiny.  It is up to you to determine what God would have you respond to, and what to ignore.  You are not me, so your priorities in this might differ, but for me, someone being a fan of a different sports team than me isn't worth having an argument over.  Someone shopping at a store I don't believe in (such as Target) isn't worth having an argument over.  People are free agents, and need to follow their own convictions.  I'm not the conviction police.  Someone liking different things than I do isn't worth it.  For example, I don't particularly find Joel Osteen to be spiritually fulfilling in what he says, but some people really like him and share his sayings.  It isn't worth it to me to refute that with them.  That is between them and God, just as my opinion is between myself and God.  On the other hand, a lot of people I'm friends with and follow really dislike Rick Warren, whereas I don't share their disdain.  I don't try to argue with them about it if they post something against him, though.  That isn't my concern.  It's somebody's, but not mine.  I will tell you what is always worth it to me, and that is the gospel, a biblical worldview, and things that follow along those lines.  I will often also stand against legalism (which is why I will often react to John MacArthur quotes).  Historical accuracy and truth are important to me as well.  So many falsehoods are being told about our founding fathers nowadays, and I think it is healthy to challenge the leftist rhetoric now and then--not because I  believe it will change them, but I believe they need to be challenged, and people need to see that and hold them accountable.  ...the truth will set you free (John 8:32).  As I said, some of these things might not be your fight.  Maybe God hasn't called you to engage.  That is okay, but you need to determine what is worth it to you, personally.  

Have a realistic goal

     In Matthew 10:16, Jesus told the disciples, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.  If you are speaking truth, you are in enemy territory.  That must be understood going into it.  Realize that, in speaking the truth, you will likely not bring about an instant, total 180 change in anyone.  The people who read what you say will already have deeply-held beliefs in place.  Just reading one person's statement online isn't going to automatically dispel their beliefs.  Recognize this.  Instead of having a goal to totally change other people (which we can't do anyway), have the goal of being a witness to the truth, regardless of the outcome.  Have the goal of giving someone something to think about.  It is true that your one statement probably won't make an immediate change in anyone, but it might give them something to really think about later on, and might be used by God as part of a what will bring about lasting change.  Also, realize that some people will like and agree with you, but others will not.  It is their right to disagree with you, and they might not be kind.  You have to have thick skin.  Online dialogue is not for the faint of heart.  Quite frankly, there are days I'm not up for it.  Don't expect high praise from everyone.  If you say and do right, you will receive the honor of the Lord, and that should be our real motive.  

Be as kind and courteous as you can 

     I quoted the first part of Matthew 10:16 earlier.  The second part of the verse reads, ...be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.  Be wise and intelligent in what you say.  Do your homework.  But in actual connecting with people, be innocent and kind.  There is nothing virtuous or good about insulting people.  Don't use fighting words.  Fighting words can include name-calling, as well as words like stupid, foolish, or even more benign (yet passive-aggressive) words, such as obviously, clearly, or other things like this.  Use I and me statements if you can, as opposed to you and we statements.  Resist the urge to try and speak for everyone on your side.  Admittedly, it feels more powerful and compelling to say, "We Christians are sick of you atheists..." or something like that, but don't try to lump everyone with you.  Speak for yourself, in first person.  A few months ago, I witnessed a political argument on Facebook, and one person was calling the other person stupid, and making all these false assertions about them.  It was incredibly rude.  That certainly wouldn't make anyone change their views to join your side.  It will have the opposite effect.  They will be more convinced than ever that people who hold your view are mean-spirited and cruel, and unable to come up with an intelligent answer.  It is much better to ask questions about their beliefs and have a respectful dialogue than to attack them.  People still might not change their outlook, but they will be a lot more receptive to yours if you are kind.   Name-calling and accusations are not the way to go.  It is best to detach from the situation as you respond.  Recognize that there are beautiful, intelligent, likable people who hold views that oppose yours.  Treat them accordingly, even if they are wrong.  

Don't give your heart away

     This kind of goes with the previous point.  You don't want to become vulnerable to these online strangers.  By that, I mean, don't share or respond from a place of emotion.  It is okay to share personal details if you want to, especially if it helps make your point, but do it carefully and wisely.  But by all means, do not show people that they have the power to trigger you.  That is giving them permission to hurt you.  These people often don't know or care about you at all.  They don't deserve access to your emotions.  Even if they make you very angry, keep your bearings when you respond.  James 1:19 says, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

Have a realistic view of the other person or people

     I already said this, but these people are not all foolish, stupid idiots.  They might be very nice, smart people who happen to believe differently than you or I do on a certain point.  Maybe they are 100% wrong, but that doesn't cancel out their good, God-given qualities, or their value as a human being.  Recognize that these people are not your enemy.  If the issue you are refuting is spiritual, then they might be deceived by the enemy, but they are not the enemy themselves.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood... (Ephesians 6:12).  On the other hand, also realize that this person doesn't matter to your life (unless you actually know them).  Don't let them get to you.  They are inconsequential.  Like you, they will get up from their computer, go eat dinner, do something fun with a friend or family member, and move on from this exchange you are having with them.  As I said, detach from them.  

Determine who is worth it

     Some people are worth responding to, and some are not.  It can be hard to determine.  I recently made a comment about something, where I explained the differences between Mormonism and Christianity (the post I was commenting on was trying to say they were the same).  I was very respectful, clinical even.  Someone replied to me that Mormons and Christians were both just different forms of being brainwashed, one with the Book of Mormon and the other with the Bible, but we were both just brainwashed.  He went on to bring up some things he saw as contradictions within the Bible.  The arguments he was making against the Bible had holes in them, and very simple explanations.  I really sensed that he was just being nasty, and that he wasn't truly asking these questions, but just throwing these things in my face.  I didn't sense a searching heart.  I decided to reply, however, and this is basically what I said: "You have raised some interesting points.  If you want to talk about them, I'd be happy to.  There are answers to the questions you are raising.  From the tone of your comment, I get the impression you really don't want the answers, though, but just want to criticize Christianity.  But if, on the off chance, you do want to have a conversation, I would be happy to answer your concerns."  Anyway, he responded that I was welcome to talk to him about the Bible, but he has chosen to listen to spirits who talk to him instead, and the spirits told him not to believe in the Bible.  Okay, at that point, I felt there was no level playing field.  We weren't arguing from the same source.  He was dead-set in his deceptive beliefs, and would not be receptive to anything I said.  I chose not to respond to him further.  Another person did, however, and told him he would be praying for him to know the truth of God's word, which I thought was great.  But I had to make that determination that this person wasn't coming from a place of being receptive to me or what I was saying.  It just wasn't worth it.  But I did feel like initially challenging his assertions, and I think that was powerful.  Everyone who reads that thread will see that I didn't back down from his criticisms of the Bible.  I don't think he was expecting me to have answers for him, either.  When I did, and offered to talk with him, he changed the game and said spirits were telling him not to listen.  When people just say hurtful and insulting things, I won't dignify that with a response at all.  Generally, if I feel something is said out of a true desire to understand, or genuine questions are being asked, I am willing to engage.  Other times, if someone makes a very fallacious statement, I might engage, if only to challenge them, and giving others reading the thread some food for thought.  It truly is a case-by-case thing.  If someone wants to just be mean, or argue for the sake of arguing, there is no point for me.  If someone is not arguing from a point where I can even relate to them, I usually won't try.  

     As Christians, and as people who care about the truth, we are on a mission to bring people to Christ.  With the internet, we have a wider access to reach others.  We also have a wider access to experience conflict.  Sometimes, I'm just not up for that.  Other times, I feel led.  You need to do what God has led you to do.  I hope the points I have shared (learned through trail and error) are helpful, whether you're online or just talking in person with people you meet and rub shoulders with. Hopefully, you won't get cancelled like I was...but it's more and more common.  Let's pray that God will open doors for us to be used of Him, whatever needs to happen!  Until next time...

Friends

      A Christian song I heard a lot growing up was Michael W. Smith's Friends.  This is a very touching, heartfelt song about how Christian friendships really are forever, regardless of distance or circumstances.  The chorus says: 

And friends are friends forever                                                                                                     If the Lord's the Lord of them                                                                                                     And a friend will not say never                                                                                               'Cause the welcome will not end                                                                                                   Though it's hard to let you go                                                                                                      In the father's hands we know                                                                                                         That a lifetime's not too long                                                                                                       To live as friends. 

     This song has always given me an ideal to strive for in my friendships.  And yet, does it reflect reality?  Do Christian friends always stay close?  If they don't, does it mean one of the friends has sinned?  Is a friendship ending a sign of failure?  How should we approach that biblically?  How should we think of former friends after the relationship is over?  

     I will say that, in my experience, as well as the experiences of others who have shared with me, friendships can be for a lifetime, or for a season.  Sometimes, friendships end, only to be restored at a later season.  Other friendships end and are truly over for the rest of the involved parties' earthly lives, but will surely be restored in Heaven (I am talking about Christian friendships here).  Why do these breaks happen?  Is it wrong for people to no longer stay close?  There are many different variables involved.  I will share some examples of that, but first, let's look at what the Bible says about friendship.

     Proverbs 17:17 says, A friend loves at all times...  I will come back to this verse, but this verse can always apply, even if you are no longer close to someone who was once an intimate friend. 

     John 15:13 gives some depth about what true love and friendship can lead to: Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  True love and friendships involve sacrifice.  It is unlikely you will ever be called upon to lay down your life for your friends, but there are other ways to demonstrate this kind of unselfish love.  

     A few other verses show us what kinds of friends we should have: Proverbs 27:17 says, Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.  Cultivate friendships with those who sharpen you in the Lord, and you do the same for them.  Likewise, First Thessalonians 5:11 says, Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.  Conversely, First Corinthians 15:33 warns, Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”  It's not a good idea to be close with those who influence us negatively.  Friends should bring out the best in each other.  Proverbs 27:6 gives us something else to think about as well.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend...  This verse reminds us that sometimes, friends might hurt you when trying to do what is best for you.  They should be honest with you, even if you don't want to hear it.  A true friend will have your best interest at heart.  Nathan was this kind of friend to King David (Second Samuel 12).  David later named a son Nathan.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.  

     One of the deepest friendships recorded in the Bible is that of David and Jonathan.  First Samuel 18:1 tells us that as soon as David and Jonathan met, their souls were knit, and they loved each other as themselves.  That is a true, deep friendship.  They loved each other so much that Jonathan was willing to help David, even when it meant losing his place as heir to the throne of Israel.  That's love.  They made a covenant, and David later showed love to Jonathan's son for his sake (Second Samuel 9).  It would seem that King David's relationships were intense and deep.  He definitely loved the people in his life fiercely.  

     A friend of mine, whom I'll call Christina, shared with me about a friendship she had.  Her friend, whom I'll call Amanda, was a deep encouragement in her life.  They had wonderful times together, and spurred each other on in the Lord.  Whenever Christina was discouraged, Amanda had biblical inspiration for her that was exactly what she needed in the moment.  Who wouldn't want a friend like this?  Sadly, much later, Amanda had a family member get into legal trouble.  She asked Christina to be a character witness for this relative.  Feeling she owed it to her friend, she did this, and the family member was let off.  However, shortly thereafter, Amanda's relative was in the same kind of trouble.  Christina began to feel uncomfortable about the situation, and wondered if this person really was committing the indiscretions they were accused of.  The second time Amanda asked her to be a character witness, Christina told her that she couldn't in good conscience do that this time.  This was the last time Amanda ever spoke to her.  Christina was grieved at this loss, and she continued to love Amanda, but she was unable to do what was being asked. 

     Growing up, my brother's best friend was the son of our pastor.  He was a really nice kid (my brother and his friend).  When we were teenagers, God led our family to another church, and my brother and his friend lost touch, just from not having commonality in their lives.  When they occasionally ran into each other at stores, it was positive, but they weren't close after that. 

    I met a very dear friend doing ministry together, when we were fifteen.  God used her to be a blessing and encouragement to me, and I still have all the letters she sent me.  When we were twenty, her family underwent some tragedy.  My heart went out to her, and I spent some time visiting with her in her home.  Things became strained and awkward, even though she was very kind.  I got the feeling the family wasn't coping well, and it was hard.  Anyway, after my visit ended (and there were no conflicts at all, and we ended on a good note), she never responded to me again.  She never returned calls or letters.  Without saying it in so many words, she cut me off, and it hurt.  I don't know if I did anything wrong, but I have wracked my mind over that again and again.  I don't understand all the ins and outs, but I still love her dearly.  I miss her, think of her, and pray for her often.  

     These are just a few examples of friendships ending.  There are multiple reasons why friends might not remain close.  Circumstances can change.  Sometimes, the thing that drew friends together isn't strong enough to keep them together in the long term.  Sometimes, life moves people in different ways.  In life, you are constantly changing and growing.  Some friends change with you, and some won't.  Sometimes, you and your friends change and move in different directions.  

     Sadly, sometimes friendships are unhealthy, or become unhealthy.  Sometimes, in my observations, I have seen situations where one person in the relationship saw others as an extension of himself/herself, and they were threatened when their friends had independent thoughts, or opinions apart from them.  This is more common among schoolgirls, but sometimes people are threatened when their friend has other friendships apart from them. I notice that when males have a "best friend" it is almost always simply that, a good, close friendship with another guy.  Often, when girls (or grown women) have "best friends" what they really mean is "this person is my property."  This is certainly not always the case, but I struggle with relationships with other women at times because of this kind of cliquishness.  I have experienced women's Bible studies that were really just glorified cliques.  

     I found it often boils down to control.  And it isn't always women, either.  When we were growing up, there was a spoiled, insecure boy who lived down the street from us.  He was part of our church and Christian school, and he and my brother were the same age.  They were sort of friends.  But there was another neighbor boy who was also friends with both my brother and this other boy.  When the three of them tried to get together, this spoiled little boy tried very hard to act like best buddies with one of them and leave the other out.  He didn't know how to be kind or friendly to both of them, and was uncomfortable with the other two being friends independently of him.  He had a compulsive need to control.  I've seen this a lot more with girls, but it obviously can happen with boys too.  

     Do you struggle with friends at times?  Maybe you are the one who has been isolated by controlling cliques, or maybe you struggle with feeling the need to facilitate all your friendships.  In either event, you can still be a wonderful friend.  We all just need to be working on ourselves in our relationships, and to engage in relationships that are the best for us.  If you feel yourself becoming resentful in a friendship, don't condemn yourself for those feelings . Get curious about them.  Ask the Lord to reveal the truth to you about what you need to do.  Here are some questions to ask yourself (and be honest--this is just you and God, no one is passing judgment on you):

1) If two of my friends are also friends with each other, does it make me angry or frustrated when they get together or do things as friends that I'm not part of or in control of?  Do I worry their time together will lessen their love for me as a friend, or my importance to them?  

2) Do I find myself wanting to create a wedge between other friendships that don't involve me?  

3) Do I feel angry with my friends don't agree with me or come to the same conclusions as I do? 

     Regardless of your answer to these questions, it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend.  It just shows that, like all of us, you might struggle with knowing just where you end and the other person begins in the friendship.  Maybe, like I have at times, you see your friend as an extension of yourself, and it is a threat to you when they don't agree with you, or if they do things outside of you.  It shouldn't be that way, but I think we can all struggle with that at times.  We need God's help and power to break free of these thinking patterns.  Realize that you are an individual, and it is okay if you and your friends have drawn different decisions and conclusions.  It doesn't necessarily mean one of you is wrong.  For many things, it is possible for people to disagree without being "wrong."  You both read the same classic novel, but drew different conclusions about what the author was saying.  Unless you know the author personally, you can't really prove or disprove, because it's open for interpretation.  Maybe you and your friend experienced the same situation differently from each other.  It doesn't nullify one of you.  Your experience is valid, whether or not anyone else shares it.  Your friend's different opinion doesn't reflect on yours, proving you wrong.  They are not connected to you.  And even if the disagreement is about something absolute (such as the Bible being true, or the earth being round, or something like that) and you are right and your friend is wrong about it, you cannot control their beliefs, and you have to simply accept them where they're at.  Let them be wrong and move on.  If you can't do that, it's time to find other friends.  If their difference from you frustrates you to the point that you are not able to ignore it, it's time to move on.  You know what you can handle, and when something is beyond you.  

      If a friend is deeply angry, to the point there is never a resolution without letting them control you, heed Proverbs 22:24-25, Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.  Angry or unreasonable people can get you caught in a snare.  These are friendships you don't need.  If someone isn't showing the respect you deserve as a human being, you don't need to be close to them.  If you have a friend who is often angry with you, and never apologizes or acknowledge their part in a conflict (and conflicts are very rarely one person's fault), this isn't a friendship you probably want to continue.  Unless both of you see the need to fix it and are both working toward that end, this just isn't something you need in your life.  A true friend wants what is best for you, whether it benefits them or not.  Many friendships aren't at this point of total anger and abuse or anything crazy like that, but they still just aren't bringing out the best in either party.  God wants our friendships to be for our best and the other person's, and if that isn't happening, it might also be time to move on.  

     Remember what we read earlier, A friend loves at all times.  If your friend is treating you with anything less than godly love, it isn't the best friendship.  This doesn't mean there can't be improvement and growth.  It doesn't mean you can't work on the friendship together.  But it's something to aware of.  Remember, in friendships, you can only control you.  You cannot control the other person.  I can't emphasize that enough.  I spent way too much of my life believing I could control others, and learned the hard way.  You can't determine what they do.  You can work on yourself and your responsibility in the friendship, but if your friend is not doing the same, it might not produce the result you hope for.  It takes both parties wanting to make it successful.  If things have gotten to the point that you cannot handle it anymore, it's time to walk away.  As a mentor of mine says, "You can't spend your life in a state of striving all the time."  It doesn't mean you hate the person, or wish them ill will.  You can love them more than ever.  You just aren't part of their life anymore.  

     I say all of this as someone who has both triumphed and failed in friendships.  I've learned the hard way at times.  I've made mistakes.  I've hurt those I've loved, and been hurt by those I loved.  A few times, I have let friendships go too easily, and far more often, held on beyond what was healthy, when I should have let go.  I'm still trying to get it right.  Maybe you can share your observations from the Bible and your own experiences.  I'd love to read about them.  

     In the Bible, there were conflicts between friends.  At first, King Saul had a good relationship with David, but he eventually turned on him, and tried to kill him (First Samuel 19).  David needed to get away.  But even then, he never treated Saul with anything less than respect.  He took care of himself, but didn't retaliate, even when he had the chance to (First Samuel 24).  He was being a true friend, even when closeness was gone.  

     Paul and Barnabas served the Lord mightily in Acts 13 and 14, but they had a "sharp disagreement" in Acts 15, over whether or not to take John Mark on their next trip.  They were unable to come to a compromise or resolution.  Both men were still godly servants of the Lord, and furthered the Kingdom.  Their disagreement actually worked to widen the impact of their ministry, but we never see them working directly together again (though there is indication Paul had better feelings toward Barnabas and John Mark later on in First Corinthians 9:6 and Second Timothy 4:11).  

     In Philippians 4, Paul gets after two Christian women in the church who were in conflict, Euodius and Syntyche.  Their conflict was big enough that Paul had heard about it.  He even acknowledges that they had served the Lord faithfully, but urges them to live peaceably.  I can't even guess what their conflict was about, but how embarrassing that it is recorded for Christians through the ages to read about!  Paul wasn't telling them to be best friends, or to kiss and make up.  He was urging them to be of the same mind in the Lord.  Again, though, each of these ladies only had control of herself.  

     Let me ask you this.  When you graduated from elementary school and went on to junior high, did you hate elementary school?  Did you trash and complain about elementary school, since you were no longer part of it?  I'm sure you didn't.  You were probably excited to move on to junior high, but you probably had good memories from your time in elementary school.  As you got older, thoughts of elementary school probably gave you warm fuzzy feelings and memories of childhood.  The same can be true for friendships in the past.  Just because you have moved on to a different place and are no longer close with them doesn't mean you hate them or think badly of them.  You can still cherish those memories, and love and pray for your old friend.  You can grieve the loss of what the friendship had been to you.  You can work through the difficulties you endured in that friendship.  

     One thing that concerns me is when someone leaves a relationship (with a friend or a significant other, or even a church or other group), they hate their old friend's guts and can't say a kind word about them.  That isn't right.  Obviously, this person has good, admirable traits that drew you in as a friend at one time.  There are still things people can love and enjoy about them.  They have redeemable qualities.  Be real about that.  Don't go recruiting people to be mad at them with you.  This is between you and the Lord (and possibly a mentor you confide in).  If you share your story, as God sometimes calls us to do, be careful what details you share, because you don't want to harm your old friend.  It is your story to tell, but be careful.  Make sure your motive is to honor the Lord and help those who might benefit from hearing it, not tearing anyone down.  Also, if this is a Christian friend, know that you will see them again in Heaven.  Never stop wanting their highest good on this earth.  Never stop hoping, praying and believing the best.  First Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love  always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  That is how you can keep on loving them without needing a close relationship.  Move on if you need to, but don't stop loving them.  

     Was Michael W. Smith right?  Are Christian friendships for a lifetime?  Better.  They're for eternity.  Make the most of the friends you have, while you have them.  

Pride

 

     In a few seconds, I went from being a Dodger fan to being totally disgusted with them.  Why?  Because this team, which are excellent baseball players, have decided to celebrate and promote "Pride Month."  I am grieved that something as fun and innocuous as baseball is being used as a political platform.  Here is what alarmed me much more.  I was alerted to the Dodger's decision via their Facebook post.  Being totally fed up with the LGBT (etc.) agenda bullying everyone, I made the following comment: 

     "Really?  People are free to do whatever they want, but I don't need to know who you're having sex with.  Do you want me to have a parade to celebrate having sex with my husband?  Of course you don't.  It's TMI!  I don't need a mental image of ANYONE'S sexual activities.  Maybe your family and close friends care about your sex life, but I sure don't!"  

     I was making the point that this whole Pride month thing is very self-centered, and it focuses on the sex life of the individuals involved.  My point was that no one cares about anyone else's sex life.  I was kind of trying to say the LGBT community needs to get over themselves.  No one is important enough to me that I want a whole month of parades to celebrate who they are attracted to or having sex with.  

     Well, my comment got some strong likes, support and agreement, and also some angry tantrum-throwers.  I was called ignorant (which is leftist language for a generic insult, since they call PhDs, Rhodes Scholars and certified geniuses "ignorant" whenever they don't agree with their narrative).  One woman who was completely outraged at me called me ignorant multiple times in her comment, then told me "Pride month has nothing to do with sex!"  Seriously?  Then what is it about?  And she calls me ignorant?  A very cruel commenter implied my husband is really gay but hiding in the closet because (and here he made a disgusting comment about me).  You know what?  People are mean and really filthy.  You will note that I did not even say in my initial comment anything against the LGBT community, just my objection to having a month to celebrate sex of any kind.  From these leftists, I did not get one intelligent comment.  I didn't get one leftist person asking me questions or offering to have a discussing with me.  Just insulted.  That's all these people know how to do.  They claim they want "discussion" but they really don't.  A group that claims to want diversity can't handle an intelligent person having a different opinion.  I believe all my comment did was pull Pride Month's cover to illustrate the pettiness and self-importance of the people perpetuating it.  

     As Christians, let's look at that all biblically.  What does the Bible say about pride?  First Peter 5:6 says, Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,  James 4:6 says that God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.  The Apostle Paul wrote in Galatians 6:14, But may it never be that I would boast, except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.  God values humility and is opposed to the proud.  As humans, I think we enjoy being around humble people more than arrogant people, wouldn't you agree?  God set up His whole plan of salvation to require humility.  It isn't works-based.  Ephesians 2:9 says, not a result of works so that no one may boast.  We must admit we are sinners, unable to save ourselves, and fall on the mercy of Christ.  After we are saved, I believe the above scriptures reveal that God wants us to live a life of humility.  If someone isn't humble, God is able to bring them down (Daniel 5).   

     In light of that, I believe it is perfectly fine to have a sense of healthy accomplishment when you achieve something.  If someone gets a good grade on a test and says, "I'm proud of myself," I don't usually think of that as the kind of arrogant pride that God hates.  But even this kind of basic pride should be in doing the right thing...accomplishing something (and of course, still giving the glory to God), not because of who we are sexually attracted to.  The left claims that one's sexual orientation is something the person is born with and that they have no choice.  I personally believe everyone has a choice, but that aside for a moment, if a person has no control, why be proud of it?  They did nothing to make it happen.  There is no sense of accomplishment or achievement in it.  Why be proud?  There is no reason to be proud.  If they choose that life, that is their decision, but having parades that stop traffic and essentially saying, "Look at me, I have same-sex attraction!" is really over-the-top of self-centeredness.  There is a whole world that doesn't care, just as they don't care about anyone else's sexual desires. 

     Don't be fooled by all this talk of diversity.  Those pushing for it don't want it.  They want to control you, and your beliefs.  Don't let them!  A person who truly values diversity will value people, and want to have respectful conversations and discussions.  God Himself really does want diversity.  He created all people in His image, but each one unique.  He wants people from all nations to know Him.  Revelation 7:9 says that there will be people in Heaven from every nation, tribe, people and language.  I would say God loves diversity much more than our society claims to.  Imagine Christians all over the world, praising God in their own language, and with the feel of their own culture.  How that must bring joy to the heart of God.  

     There is another problem with Pride month, beyond the arrogance of it.  This worldview is saying that people are defined by their sexual desires.  That is so twisted.  We are so much more than that.  We are human beings, created in the image of God.  That is where our identity rests.  I love the 1993 song by Petra, Marks of the Cross.  The lyrics say: All our identity rest in the knowledge of who we're created to be. We are His workmanship, made in His image, For all of creation to see... You are not defined by who your best friend is, whether or not you are married, who you are attracted to or anything else another person has any part of.  You exist on your own.  Needing another person to define you in any way is codependency, and is very unhealthy.  It devalues you for your own worth.  God says you are priceless--worth the life of Jesus Christ!  Don't cheapen it by defining yourself by other fallible humans.  

     Furthermore, we are also not defined by any other habit of ours.  I am part of a recovery ministry, and at each meeting, we say our names, our position in Christ, and then our area of struggle (or victory).  For example, I say, "My name is Janelle.  I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, and I am working on my struggle with anxiety and depression, and have victory over codependency."  We are not our struggles.  We are not our sex lives.  I think it is a disservice to someone to celebrate their sexual activity, instead of who they are as a human being.  God says He has loved you with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).  That is worth celebrating!  

     In conclusion, I am disappointed that my favorite baseball team is devaluing human beings by reducing them to their sexual attraction.  I am disappointed that this decision on their part facilitated me being insulted disgustingly by leftist lemmings who just repeat the rhetoric they are being told.  But I am not really surprised.  We live in a world that has been at odds with God since Genesis 3.  One day, Jesus will make all things new, and right (Revelation 21:5).  All I can do is say with the Apostle John Come quickly, Lord Jesus.