Toxic?

      We hear a lot about certain people labeled as Toxic these days.  Is it just a trend, or is there truth to it?  Is there an actual meaning to calling someone toxic, or is it just another mean word to insult someone you don't like?  What does the Bible say about it?  

     It is true that using the word toxic to describe someone is a relatively new phenomena.  When I was growing up, I first became familiar with "toxic" from reading that certain school supplies (such as paint and glue) and cleaning products were "non-toxic" on their label.  It is also true that calling people toxic has become a bit overused, and sort of lost its meaning with people just throwing it around.  Kind of like narcissistic, codependent, abusive, etc.  However, just because something is overused doesn't necessarily mean that it doesn't have a real purpose and meaning. 

     The Bible doesn't call people toxic, but it does use other, equally uncomplimentary words.  Scripture refers to bad people in terms such as evil, wicked, fool, blind, and other things, depending on the circumstance.  In a sense, since we are all sinners, we could all be called these things in a way, but as we grow in Christ, we are being sanctified every day, to become more like Jesus.  Sadly, there are people, Christians and non-Christians alike, who seem bent on destroying others.  These are the people I wish to talk about.  I will establish what a toxic person is, what you should do in response to them, and how to move forward after a toxic encounter.  

     In his book When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, Christian author Gary Thomas says that toxicity takes on three different aspects.  A toxic person may exhibit traits from all three of these, or only one or two.  These three forms of toxicity (which I will go into more detail on in the next paragraph) are very similar to what Jesus warned us about in John 10:10, The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy...  This is what the devil will do, and this is what toxic people will do.  (Note: I will put a link at the end of this post that will take you to Gary Thomas' book.  I highly recommend it!).

A Murderous Spirit

     The first face of a toxic person is a murderous spirit.  This doesn't usually mean someone who is a literal murderer.  It is someone who kills your spirit, your joy, your mission, your ministry.  This person, in essence, ruins your effectiveness.  You don't need this in your life.  No one does!  An example of a toxic person in the book of Acts was the demon-possessed fortune teller, who was shouting after Paul and Silas, These men are bond-servants of the Most High God, who are proclaiming to you a way of salvation. (Acts 16:17).  Notice that what she was saying was the truth, but it was being said in a loud, obnoxious way, and was hindering their ministry.  Sometimes, toxic people will misuse truth.  

     I will give you a personal example of this.  I monitor a prayer line for one hour a week.  People from all over the world call in and pray for their ministries.  It has been a true blessing.  However, when I was doing my shift monitoring it last night, I had a woman who stayed on the line through my entire hour-long shift.  In fact, she was on before I came to take over from the previous monitor.  She claimed she loves to stay on for several hours and listen to people's requests so she can know how to pray (I had never run into her on the line before).  Listening to people's requests so she can pray sounds all well and good.  However, she talked a lot more than she listened.  She had the need to talk and pray the entire time.  She didn't let me or anyone else get much of a word in, and I had to be very firm in order to let anything progress as it was supposed to.  She had to comment and lecture everyone after their prayers.  She shared all sorts of information she viewed as very important, but was actually lecturing everyone, and even putting others down.  Some of what she said was nonsense, though a lot technically was biblical.  However, just like Paul and Silas' fortune-telling antagonist in Acts 16, it totally killed the joy and peace on the line, and killed the effectiveness during that hour.  It totally killed my energy and spiritual fervor.  I had to let my superiors in this ministry know about it.  

     A murderous spirit can look different ways, but what all forms of this kind of toxicity has in common is that it wants to kill what you are doing in some way.  

A Need for Control

     The second face of toxic people is a need to control.  Does the person simply have to control everything?  Often this goes hand-in-hand with a murderous spirit, but not always.  Have you ever felt manipulated by someone?  A biblical example of someone being controlling was the false prophet Shemaiah in the book of Jeremiah.  He claimed to speak for God, and told the Israelites that their captivity in Babylon would end in two years.  Jeremiah spoke the truth, that they should dwell in Babylon, and build lives for themselves there, because the captivity would, in fact, be 70 years.  Shemaiah was trying to have the people believe his lie was God's truth.   Satan himself desires to control others. In Isaiah 14:14, he said he would ascend to God's place of authority.  That was what led to his fall, and he has been trying to control people and ruin God's plans ever since.  When a person is being controlling, they are being more like Satan than like God.   History is full of people trying to control others.  Today, that can look like someone claiming to speak for God in order to get someone to follow what they say.  It can be a person manipulating circumstances around others.  It can be someone seeing others as an extension of themselves and being threatened when these other people act and think independently of them.  

     Years ago, I did some ministry with a woman who had started her own organization.  She had contacted me and wanted my ministry to partner with her for an evangelistic event.  That was fine.  I believed in what she stood for, and I did it.  She had me help her several times over the course of a few years.  I always felt she was very controlling, so I didn't get very personally involved with her, but I still did these events with her.  Anyway, she eventually gave a donation to my ministry, and she didn't think I was quick enough to write her a thank you note.  Anyway, even though I had been very grateful to this woman, the fact that she didn't get an immediate note from one particular donation was cause for her to call me on the phone and lecture me and put me down, and tell me I wasn't godly.  She was very condescending, and told me, "I see you as my little sister, and I need to just teach you right from wrong."  I was very insulted, and I told her that I was sorry I hadn't acknowledged her gift, and that I was indeed grateful, but that I felt maybe it was time for me not to do ministry with her anymore.  Well, she couldn't let me be the one to walk away, so she sent me this scathing letter about how she never wanted to see or hear from me again, and how God had told her a secret about me.  Notice God only told her a secret about me when I didn't allow her to manipulate me or put me down.  She had to be in control of that relationship, instead of having a respectful, equal relationship between the two of us.  This type of person steals your right to be an independent person.  They are toxic.

A Love of Hatred

     The final face of toxicity is hate.  The need to destroy.  These people love to hate things.  They are the people who are known for what they hate, rather than what they love.  As Christians, we should be known for loving God, the Bible, the Truth, and people.  Yes, we should hate what God hates.  But we should be known for our love for God and each other (John 13:34-35).  King Saul was known for his hatred of David (First Samuel 18-31).  He was a very toxic person, since his hatred eventually led him to attempted murder, witchcraft, and suicide.  He spent all his time hunting David down, instead of ruling his country.  Some people are perpetually angry.  They are always looking for that next cause to make them mad and hateful.  They have to get that last word in.  They get pleasure out of tearing people down.  

     Year ago, I knew a pastor's wife who was toxic in this way.  She tore down every ministry her husband got involved in.  She constantly and happily sowed discord.  In that way, she probably fit all three of the faces of toxicity, but in particular, she fit this face of hatred.  When Christian singer Sandi Patty had a moral failure in the early 90's, this woman was so excited and happy that a virtuous Christian woman had failed.  How did Sandi Patty's problem benefit her?  It didn't!  It grieved many. Sandi Patty has since repented, and is again serving the Lord through music.  If she, herself, could be grieved and remorseful for her own sins, how could this pastor's wife rejoice in it?  First Corinthians 13:6 says, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.   People who are happy to see others fail rejoice in evil, and that is toxic.  Wishing ill will on someone is toxic.  

     Maybe as you have read these three different types of toxicity, you have thought of other toxic people in the Bible, history, or your own life.  Maybe, though, you have felt a little bit guilty, and wondered if you are toxic, because maybe you have had instances of demonstrating these different categories of toxicity.  Rest assured, this isn't necessarily the case at all.  A toxic person demonstrates these traits as part of their regular modus operandi.  Very rarely will they feel guilt, or worry about whether they might be toxic, so your very worry probably means you aren't.  Toxic people are much more likely to be angry, reading about it, and wondering if someone would dare accuse them of being toxic. Furthermore, when it comes to the different types of toxic behavior, they are energized by stealing, killing and destroying other people's lives.  I once became somewhat controlling in a friendship several years ago.  I didn't do it because I had a compulsive need to manipulate this person.  Some aspects in this friendship changed, and I felt threatened by that, and became controlling.  This friend eventually called me on my controlling behavior, and she was absolutely right.  It was kind of a relief to be called out, because I had gotten no pleasure out of acting that way.  It drained rather than energized me.  We can all fall into these things at times, and it's a chance to grow in the Lord beyond that.  If it is something that grieves you, rather than energizing you, you are not toxic.  

     There are some confusing messages out there about how to handle people who are toxic.  When I was a kid, it seemed like every TV show had an episode about the school bully, and how all the other kids killed the bully with kindness, and it turned them around, and made them into a super nice person.  .  

     As a ten-year-old, I decided to take this message to heart.  There was a very mean little girl in our neighborhood.  She regularly stole from other kids, and said mean things to everyone.  She really hurt a lot of people's feelings.  I got all the kids in the neighborhood together, and we wrote her these really kind notes, and left them on her doorstep, with a bouquet of flowers we had picked from my yard.  It was very sweet...but she didn't care.  She didn't become our friend.  Our gesture didn't make a dent in her meanness.  I think a lot of those TV episodes, while well-intentioned, taught children to become masochists, and also gave a false view of why we should be kind to people.  If the objective is just to change them, we're not really loving them.  I will return to this.

     If someone truly is toxic, remove yourself if you can.  Don't keep trying to invest in that relationship.  We must shatter the illusion that we can change them, or be that missing ingredient in their lives.  Even Jesus walked away from people, and let others walk away from Him.  Mostly, we see Jesus investing in those who wanted Him in their lives.  At the same time, He often invested in people who initially seemed to reject Him.  He reached the heart of the demoniac, turning him into a servant of God (Matthew 8:28-34).  Simon Peter initially told Jesus to get away from him (Luke 5:8), but Jesus saw past that fear to Peter's heart, and made him a disciple, and the very first evangelist at Pentecost (Acts 2).  Jesus was able to determine who had a searching heart and who did not.  That can be tough to do, but God will help us be discerning.  Food for thought: Jesus loved and forgave those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34), and yet after His resurrection, He didn't go back and try to befriend them.  He invested His time with His followers--those who loved and believed in Him, and who would be part of the early church.  Don't let these toxic people harm your God-given mission.  Love and forgive them, but move on from them.  Focus your efforts on those God has called you to.  

     Sometimes, we are called to deal with difficult people for a season, and when that is the case, you must love them from a place of strength, rather than being weak and letting them hurt you.  Jesus said in John 15:13, Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.  Notice He didn't say it is loving to let someone beat you within an inch of your life.  He said to lay down your life, which means it is voluntary.  You can't have a victim mentality and truly love others.  

     A movie that really impacted my youth made this same point.  This was The Buttercream Gang, put out by Feature Films for Families (I will give a link at the end to view the entire move in YouTube, as well as a wholesome and hilarious commentary video good-naturedly making fun of it!).  I was a young adolescent when this movie came out in 1992, and it is still a favorite of mine.  Some people have parodied it on YouTube, due to it's wholesomeness and low-budget, but it really is an enjoyable story, and very nostalgic from the times.  While this movie technically isn't Christian per se, it is conservative and Judeo-Christian.  In this movie, a young teenage boy named Scott really struggles when one of his best friends, Pete, loses his way, and becomes what we would now call a toxic person.  Pete engages in crime, and becomes destructive toward Scott and the community at large.  Scott keeps trying to help Pete, and trying to convince Pete to change.  Pete only gets worse.  After it escalates, and Pete physically harms Scott, Scott's father tells him, "The people who have the greatest impact for good on others are those who love someone without having that person love them back."  He goes on to tell Scott something that the TV episodes about befriending the bully failed to say.  He says, "If you're only loving Pete so he'll change you're loving him for the wrong reason."  He tells Scott to overlook what Pete does and instead think about who he is, and to treat him with unconditional love from a place of strength.  This is a powerful message, and the story very realistically shows Pete still getting worse and more destructive as Scott and others show him unconditional love.  Pete doesn't change immediately, but others do.  Scott does.  He is no longer angry and struggling.  He is choosing love, not expecting anything from Pete.  His own emotional energy is no longer being drained.  The story ends with Pete, after he hits rock bottom, reconciling with them, and even having a good impact on others.  I share this because it illustrates a very fine line between letting someone continue abusing you ("killing the bully with kindness" until they change) and writing people off forever.  You can continue loving people.  As Scott's dad tells him, who they are and what they do are two different things.  They are a person God loves.  Maybe the toxic person has been a friend to you in the past.  They have good qualities.  Treat them as who they are.  Love them without expecting anything in return, whether they ever change or not...but do it from a place of strength, not being a doormat for them to continually abuse.  It is okay to stand up for yourself.  It is okay to distance yourself.  But love them from a place of strength.  I feel that was the message of this movie.  

A still from The Buttercream Gang, Scott talking to his father.

     But isn't it mean to consider someone toxic?  I mean, doesn't God love them?  He definitely loves them.  But if they are being toxic toward you, you are not capable of reaching them.  This post isn't meant to be a major diagnostic thing.  It isn't meant for you to see all the people in your life as toxic now.  It is a way to determine if someone in your life is toxic to you and your mission.  Just because they are toxic to you doesn't mean they are toxic to everyone.  You are not able to reach them, but maybe someone else can.  By saying this person is toxic to you, you are not putting them down.  You are not garnering support for your opinion about this person.  You are deciding what is best and right for you in your mission and effectiveness for Christ.  The whole idea is to determine if someone is toxic toward you, and them remove yourself as much as possible.  Protect your heart, as well as your mission.  That may be just staying away from the toxic person, or keeping a low profile while they're around.  It may need to involve blocking them from being able to reach you (email, text, social media).  Those block features are there for your protection.  Hebrews 12:1 says to lay aside all hindrances.  Toxic people are hindrances to your journey of faith, so lay them aside as much as you can.  Run the race marked out for you.  

     When you understand toxic people, and what you are to do, you are free to engage in what God has called you to, and it becomes a joy instead of a de-energizing force.  Be safe and joyful in the Lord today.  

To order When to Walk Away: Finding Freedom from Toxic People, by Gary Thomas: Click here

To watch The Buttercream Gang: Click here

To watch a hilarious commentary good-naturedly making fun of The Buttercream Gang:  Click here