Friends

      A Christian song I heard a lot growing up was Michael W. Smith's Friends.  This is a very touching, heartfelt song about how Christian friendships really are forever, regardless of distance or circumstances.  The chorus says: 

And friends are friends forever                                                                                                     If the Lord's the Lord of them                                                                                                     And a friend will not say never                                                                                               'Cause the welcome will not end                                                                                                   Though it's hard to let you go                                                                                                      In the father's hands we know                                                                                                         That a lifetime's not too long                                                                                                       To live as friends. 

     This song has always given me an ideal to strive for in my friendships.  And yet, does it reflect reality?  Do Christian friends always stay close?  If they don't, does it mean one of the friends has sinned?  Is a friendship ending a sign of failure?  How should we approach that biblically?  How should we think of former friends after the relationship is over?  

     I will say that, in my experience, as well as the experiences of others who have shared with me, friendships can be for a lifetime, or for a season.  Sometimes, friendships end, only to be restored at a later season.  Other friendships end and are truly over for the rest of the involved parties' earthly lives, but will surely be restored in Heaven (I am talking about Christian friendships here).  Why do these breaks happen?  Is it wrong for people to no longer stay close?  There are many different variables involved.  I will share some examples of that, but first, let's look at what the Bible says about friendship.

     Proverbs 17:17 says, A friend loves at all times...  I will come back to this verse, but this verse can always apply, even if you are no longer close to someone who was once an intimate friend. 

     John 15:13 gives some depth about what true love and friendship can lead to: Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  True love and friendships involve sacrifice.  It is unlikely you will ever be called upon to lay down your life for your friends, but there are other ways to demonstrate this kind of unselfish love.  

     A few other verses show us what kinds of friends we should have: Proverbs 27:17 says, Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.  Cultivate friendships with those who sharpen you in the Lord, and you do the same for them.  Likewise, First Thessalonians 5:11 says, Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.  Conversely, First Corinthians 15:33 warns, Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”  It's not a good idea to be close with those who influence us negatively.  Friends should bring out the best in each other.  Proverbs 27:6 gives us something else to think about as well.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend...  This verse reminds us that sometimes, friends might hurt you when trying to do what is best for you.  They should be honest with you, even if you don't want to hear it.  A true friend will have your best interest at heart.  Nathan was this kind of friend to King David (Second Samuel 12).  David later named a son Nathan.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.  

     One of the deepest friendships recorded in the Bible is that of David and Jonathan.  First Samuel 18:1 tells us that as soon as David and Jonathan met, their souls were knit, and they loved each other as themselves.  That is a true, deep friendship.  They loved each other so much that Jonathan was willing to help David, even when it meant losing his place as heir to the throne of Israel.  That's love.  They made a covenant, and David later showed love to Jonathan's son for his sake (Second Samuel 9).  It would seem that King David's relationships were intense and deep.  He definitely loved the people in his life fiercely.  

     A friend of mine, whom I'll call Christina, shared with me about a friendship she had.  Her friend, whom I'll call Amanda, was a deep encouragement in her life.  They had wonderful times together, and spurred each other on in the Lord.  Whenever Christina was discouraged, Amanda had biblical inspiration for her that was exactly what she needed in the moment.  Who wouldn't want a friend like this?  Sadly, much later, Amanda had a family member get into legal trouble.  She asked Christina to be a character witness for this relative.  Feeling she owed it to her friend, she did this, and the family member was let off.  However, shortly thereafter, Amanda's relative was in the same kind of trouble.  Christina began to feel uncomfortable about the situation, and wondered if this person really was committing the indiscretions they were accused of.  The second time Amanda asked her to be a character witness, Christina told her that she couldn't in good conscience do that this time.  This was the last time Amanda ever spoke to her.  Christina was grieved at this loss, and she continued to love Amanda, but she was unable to do what was being asked. 

     Growing up, my brother's best friend was the son of our pastor.  He was a really nice kid (my brother and his friend).  When we were teenagers, God led our family to another church, and my brother and his friend lost touch, just from not having commonality in their lives.  When they occasionally ran into each other at stores, it was positive, but they weren't close after that. 

    I met a very dear friend doing ministry together, when we were fifteen.  God used her to be a blessing and encouragement to me, and I still have all the letters she sent me.  When we were twenty, her family underwent some tragedy.  My heart went out to her, and I spent some time visiting with her in her home.  Things became strained and awkward, even though she was very kind.  I got the feeling the family wasn't coping well, and it was hard.  Anyway, after my visit ended (and there were no conflicts at all, and we ended on a good note), she never responded to me again.  She never returned calls or letters.  Without saying it in so many words, she cut me off, and it hurt.  I don't know if I did anything wrong, but I have wracked my mind over that again and again.  I don't understand all the ins and outs, but I still love her dearly.  I miss her, think of her, and pray for her often.  

     These are just a few examples of friendships ending.  There are multiple reasons why friends might not remain close.  Circumstances can change.  Sometimes, the thing that drew friends together isn't strong enough to keep them together in the long term.  Sometimes, life moves people in different ways.  In life, you are constantly changing and growing.  Some friends change with you, and some won't.  Sometimes, you and your friends change and move in different directions.  

     Sadly, sometimes friendships are unhealthy, or become unhealthy.  Sometimes, in my observations, I have seen situations where one person in the relationship saw others as an extension of himself/herself, and they were threatened when their friends had independent thoughts, or opinions apart from them.  This is more common among schoolgirls, but sometimes people are threatened when their friend has other friendships apart from them. I notice that when males have a "best friend" it is almost always simply that, a good, close friendship with another guy.  Often, when girls (or grown women) have "best friends" what they really mean is "this person is my property."  This is certainly not always the case, but I struggle with relationships with other women at times because of this kind of cliquishness.  I have experienced women's Bible studies that were really just glorified cliques.  

     I found it often boils down to control.  And it isn't always women, either.  When we were growing up, there was a spoiled, insecure boy who lived down the street from us.  He was part of our church and Christian school, and he and my brother were the same age.  They were sort of friends.  But there was another neighbor boy who was also friends with both my brother and this other boy.  When the three of them tried to get together, this spoiled little boy tried very hard to act like best buddies with one of them and leave the other out.  He didn't know how to be kind or friendly to both of them, and was uncomfortable with the other two being friends independently of him.  He had a compulsive need to control.  I've seen this a lot more with girls, but it obviously can happen with boys too.  

     Do you struggle with friends at times?  Maybe you are the one who has been isolated by controlling cliques, or maybe you struggle with feeling the need to facilitate all your friendships.  In either event, you can still be a wonderful friend.  We all just need to be working on ourselves in our relationships, and to engage in relationships that are the best for us.  If you feel yourself becoming resentful in a friendship, don't condemn yourself for those feelings . Get curious about them.  Ask the Lord to reveal the truth to you about what you need to do.  Here are some questions to ask yourself (and be honest--this is just you and God, no one is passing judgment on you):

1) If two of my friends are also friends with each other, does it make me angry or frustrated when they get together or do things as friends that I'm not part of or in control of?  Do I worry their time together will lessen their love for me as a friend, or my importance to them?  

2) Do I find myself wanting to create a wedge between other friendships that don't involve me?  

3) Do I feel angry with my friends don't agree with me or come to the same conclusions as I do? 

     Regardless of your answer to these questions, it doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend.  It just shows that, like all of us, you might struggle with knowing just where you end and the other person begins in the friendship.  Maybe, like I have at times, you see your friend as an extension of yourself, and it is a threat to you when they don't agree with you, or if they do things outside of you.  It shouldn't be that way, but I think we can all struggle with that at times.  We need God's help and power to break free of these thinking patterns.  Realize that you are an individual, and it is okay if you and your friends have drawn different decisions and conclusions.  It doesn't necessarily mean one of you is wrong.  For many things, it is possible for people to disagree without being "wrong."  You both read the same classic novel, but drew different conclusions about what the author was saying.  Unless you know the author personally, you can't really prove or disprove, because it's open for interpretation.  Maybe you and your friend experienced the same situation differently from each other.  It doesn't nullify one of you.  Your experience is valid, whether or not anyone else shares it.  Your friend's different opinion doesn't reflect on yours, proving you wrong.  They are not connected to you.  And even if the disagreement is about something absolute (such as the Bible being true, or the earth being round, or something like that) and you are right and your friend is wrong about it, you cannot control their beliefs, and you have to simply accept them where they're at.  Let them be wrong and move on.  If you can't do that, it's time to find other friends.  If their difference from you frustrates you to the point that you are not able to ignore it, it's time to move on.  You know what you can handle, and when something is beyond you.  

      If a friend is deeply angry, to the point there is never a resolution without letting them control you, heed Proverbs 22:24-25, Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.  Angry or unreasonable people can get you caught in a snare.  These are friendships you don't need.  If someone isn't showing the respect you deserve as a human being, you don't need to be close to them.  If you have a friend who is often angry with you, and never apologizes or acknowledge their part in a conflict (and conflicts are very rarely one person's fault), this isn't a friendship you probably want to continue.  Unless both of you see the need to fix it and are both working toward that end, this just isn't something you need in your life.  A true friend wants what is best for you, whether it benefits them or not.  Many friendships aren't at this point of total anger and abuse or anything crazy like that, but they still just aren't bringing out the best in either party.  God wants our friendships to be for our best and the other person's, and if that isn't happening, it might also be time to move on.  

     Remember what we read earlier, A friend loves at all times.  If your friend is treating you with anything less than godly love, it isn't the best friendship.  This doesn't mean there can't be improvement and growth.  It doesn't mean you can't work on the friendship together.  But it's something to aware of.  Remember, in friendships, you can only control you.  You cannot control the other person.  I can't emphasize that enough.  I spent way too much of my life believing I could control others, and learned the hard way.  You can't determine what they do.  You can work on yourself and your responsibility in the friendship, but if your friend is not doing the same, it might not produce the result you hope for.  It takes both parties wanting to make it successful.  If things have gotten to the point that you cannot handle it anymore, it's time to walk away.  As a mentor of mine says, "You can't spend your life in a state of striving all the time."  It doesn't mean you hate the person, or wish them ill will.  You can love them more than ever.  You just aren't part of their life anymore.  

     I say all of this as someone who has both triumphed and failed in friendships.  I've learned the hard way at times.  I've made mistakes.  I've hurt those I've loved, and been hurt by those I loved.  A few times, I have let friendships go too easily, and far more often, held on beyond what was healthy, when I should have let go.  I'm still trying to get it right.  Maybe you can share your observations from the Bible and your own experiences.  I'd love to read about them.  

     In the Bible, there were conflicts between friends.  At first, King Saul had a good relationship with David, but he eventually turned on him, and tried to kill him (First Samuel 19).  David needed to get away.  But even then, he never treated Saul with anything less than respect.  He took care of himself, but didn't retaliate, even when he had the chance to (First Samuel 24).  He was being a true friend, even when closeness was gone.  

     Paul and Barnabas served the Lord mightily in Acts 13 and 14, but they had a "sharp disagreement" in Acts 15, over whether or not to take John Mark on their next trip.  They were unable to come to a compromise or resolution.  Both men were still godly servants of the Lord, and furthered the Kingdom.  Their disagreement actually worked to widen the impact of their ministry, but we never see them working directly together again (though there is indication Paul had better feelings toward Barnabas and John Mark later on in First Corinthians 9:6 and Second Timothy 4:11).  

     In Philippians 4, Paul gets after two Christian women in the church who were in conflict, Euodius and Syntyche.  Their conflict was big enough that Paul had heard about it.  He even acknowledges that they had served the Lord faithfully, but urges them to live peaceably.  I can't even guess what their conflict was about, but how embarrassing that it is recorded for Christians through the ages to read about!  Paul wasn't telling them to be best friends, or to kiss and make up.  He was urging them to be of the same mind in the Lord.  Again, though, each of these ladies only had control of herself.  

     Let me ask you this.  When you graduated from elementary school and went on to junior high, did you hate elementary school?  Did you trash and complain about elementary school, since you were no longer part of it?  I'm sure you didn't.  You were probably excited to move on to junior high, but you probably had good memories from your time in elementary school.  As you got older, thoughts of elementary school probably gave you warm fuzzy feelings and memories of childhood.  The same can be true for friendships in the past.  Just because you have moved on to a different place and are no longer close with them doesn't mean you hate them or think badly of them.  You can still cherish those memories, and love and pray for your old friend.  You can grieve the loss of what the friendship had been to you.  You can work through the difficulties you endured in that friendship.  

     One thing that concerns me is when someone leaves a relationship (with a friend or a significant other, or even a church or other group), they hate their old friend's guts and can't say a kind word about them.  That isn't right.  Obviously, this person has good, admirable traits that drew you in as a friend at one time.  There are still things people can love and enjoy about them.  They have redeemable qualities.  Be real about that.  Don't go recruiting people to be mad at them with you.  This is between you and the Lord (and possibly a mentor you confide in).  If you share your story, as God sometimes calls us to do, be careful what details you share, because you don't want to harm your old friend.  It is your story to tell, but be careful.  Make sure your motive is to honor the Lord and help those who might benefit from hearing it, not tearing anyone down.  Also, if this is a Christian friend, know that you will see them again in Heaven.  Never stop wanting their highest good on this earth.  Never stop hoping, praying and believing the best.  First Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love  always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  That is how you can keep on loving them without needing a close relationship.  Move on if you need to, but don't stop loving them.  

     Was Michael W. Smith right?  Are Christian friendships for a lifetime?  Better.  They're for eternity.  Make the most of the friends you have, while you have them.