Faith and Grace

      What is faith?  What is grace?  We hear these words a lot in Christianity.  Sometimes they are used correctly, but often, they are used a little bit wrongly.  If you had asked me to define those words as a teenager, I would have told you faith meant believing.  I would still say that today, though now I would flesh it out more.  As for grace, I think the best I could have come up with was the acronym: God's Righteousness At Christ's Expense.  I had a good working knowledge of the Bible.  I loved the Lord.  I had been saved since I was five years old.  I deeply grasped and could well explain salvation.  But beyond that, I really didn't know what grace was.  

     The word faith is often used to just mean religion.  A set of beliefs.  That is a legitimate definition of the word, but certainly not the entirety of all that faith encompasses.  Grace is often very misused.  Some people use it to mean that God has to excuse their poor choices.  Obviously, this isn't biblical, since the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 6:1-2a, What shall we say?  Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?  God forbid!  As believers, we have a new nature, and shouldn't "want" to sin.  We still do sometimes, but it doesn't give us the pleasure it gives unbelievers.  We have the Holy Spirit to help us want to do what is right.  We have these two natures at war inside of us, and it will be a daily battle until we get to Heaven.  I sometimes get discouraged with this.  But we shouldn't!  There is great encouragement for us as we live out our Christian lives.

     Faith and Grace go hand in hand, and we can't understand one without the other.  God longs to give grace--forgiveness, redemption, comfort, strength to endure, power in our lives.  The means by which we grab hold of that grace is through faith.  I've said this before, but faith is like a fork.  A fork doesn't nourish your body, but it is the means by which you grab hold onto what does nourish you.  In the same way, faith doesn't save you, but it is the means by which you grab hold of the salvation Christ made possible.  When you put your faith in the finished work of Christ, He gives you that grace--salvation, forgiveness, eternal life, and a whole new relationship with God.  This is how it works for becoming a Christian, and it is also how it works in our daily lives.  We are not only saved by faith, but we live by faith. The just shall live by faith. (Romans 1:17, Galatians 3:11, Hebrews 10:38--if it's stated that many different places in the Bible, we'd better pay attention!).  The result of that faith is God's grace on our lives.  

     Lets look at it this way.  You believe in God.  You believe the Bible is true.  You have staked your eternal destiny on the claims of Christianity.  That is saving faith.  But it's also only the beginning.  In your daily life, you can still wake up every morning without really giving God a lot of thought or consideration.  Things happen throughout your day, and you draw no connection between what is happening in your life and what God is doing in the eternal realm.  You make choices by your own understanding.  Not bad choices.  Just your own, without seeking God out.  You read the Bible as a guidebook of truth, but you don't seek it desperately for answers to your life's circumstances.  You don't really hear the Holy Spirit's inner promptings.  As long as you avoid sin, you're okay.  That is a very one-dimensional way to live.  It doesn't look like the life of faith that should characterize a believer.  

     Every aspect of our lives should be lived by faith.  When you do what you truly believe God has led you to do, He honors that.  In fact, Paul wrote in Romans 14:23 ...for whatsoever is not of faith is sin.  This means that if you do something that is out of line with what you believe God wants you to do--even if it isn't sinful in and of itself--becomes a sin for you.  A biblical example of this was Jonah.  He was commanded by God to go speak to the people of Nineveh.  He completely disobeyed God's direction, and got on a ship going the other way!  Is it a sin to get on a ship headed away from Nineveh?  No, of course not!  But it was a sin for Jonah, because he was acting against what God had specifically told him to do.  There is so much more to life than just avoiding things the Bible calls sin.  It's about that faith, doing what He has led you to do every day.  

     A man I greatly respect is Andrew Farley.  He is a pastor in Lubbock, Texas, and the author of the book Twisted Scripture.  I highly recommend this book.  However, there is one aspect of it that I disagree with.  He takes the position that if you have a choice to make, just make the best decision you can, and whatever you choose becomes God's will for you, and He meets you on the other side of that decision.  Maybe I'm just putting a finer point on it than Andrew Farley does, but I would like to think of God going through the decision with you, not simply meeting you on the other side.  Psalm 32:8 says, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.  Part of making good decisions is making them in faith with what you believe God would have you do.  Learning to hear God's voice is more valuable than learning to make good decisions (though you should learn both as you mature).  If you make an error, God is bigger than that and can work it for His will, but that isn't an excuse to avoid seeking and obeying Him to begin with.  In the Bible, many of God's people made choices of faith, and when they were wrong, God gently redirected them--like when the Apostle Paul tried to go to Asia, but the Holy Spirit sent him to Europe instead (Acts 16).  Paul was acting in faith when he attempted to go to Asia, but he was slightly off in how God was leading.  God honored his faithful heart, and redirected him to where he was supposed to go.  On the other hand, we have Jonah, already mentioned, who acted in disobedience, and had to be disciplined before he got to do God's will (see the book of Jonah in the Old Testament).  

     One of the best passages in scripture about faith is Hebrews 11.  The very first verse defines faith: Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  It is an abiding conviction that something is true, without seeing it.  This passage goes on to list people in the Old Testament who had faith, and how they pleased God.  By name, Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Rahab, Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel are mentioned.  By implication of events that happened, Joshua, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego and many other Old Testament believers are referenced.  But when you start to look at the lives of these people in detail, you see the mistakes many of them made.  Noah got drunk.  Abraham and Sarah tried to fulfill God's promise in their own strength.  Isaac played favorites with his sons.  Jacob was a cheat and a polygamist.  Joseph appears to have been a showoff and tattletale.  Moses committed murder, and fled in fear.  Rahab was a prostitute.  Samson gave up his calling for a woman of another faith.  David committed adultery and murder.  We can read all of this in these people's stories in the Old Testament.  And yet when we read Hebrews 11, we see that God commends them for their faith in Him.  They had faith.  They were persuaded that God was true, and that He had something in store for them--both in this life and in eternity--and they lived by that.  God, in turn, used them, and extended His grace to them--grace that washed away their sins in this New Testament passage.  I especially notice what is said about Moses in verse 27: By faith he left Egypt, not being afraid of the anger of the king, for he endured as seeing him who is invisible.  Moses is credited as having acted in faith when he left Egypt, whereas when you read the account in Exodus, you can see that he was fleeing the consequences of his murder.  Inside all of that, Moses believed God, and aligned himself with God's people, and God honored that faith, in spite of Moses' very human mistakes.  He did that with all of these people, and He does it with us.  Faith in God brings salvation.  Faith in God unleashes His grace in our lives daily.  

     What is God telling you?  Act on it today!  After all, the just shall live by faith!

Singled Out

      I always used to say that if I wrote a book about singleness/dating/marriage issues, the title would be Singled Out.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?  Plus, it's a play on words.  On a deeper level, though, I think that's how single people often feel.  I believe single adults can be the most marginalized members of our churches.  Note, a look on Amazon reveals that others have had the same book idea--there are a few different books about singleness entitled Singled Out!  I've also been reminded that this was also the name of a dating game show some years ago when I was a teenager (I never watched it and barely remember knowing it existed).  I guess my idea isn't that original!  

     Before I go further with this, I'm going to clarify that, while I am married, I spent the first thirty-three years of my life as single--which means I spent fifteen years as a single adult.  This is longer than some, but shorter than many others.  Nevertheless, that was fifteen years of seeing my friends get into relationships, oftentimes resulting in marriage, and wondering when my turn would come.  Fifteen years of waiting, occasionally having the makings of what seemed to be a relationship, only to have it not go anywhere.  Fifteen years of being the only single woman in certain women's Bible studies, and being completely left out of the social aspect of things.  Fifteen years of hearing sermon illustrations about marriage that didn't apply to me.  During those fifteen years, I was a bridesmaid three times (and since I ended up married, that disproves the old adage: Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride).  It wasn't that I envied any of my friends their boyfriends/fiances/husbands.  They suited them, but wouldn't have suited me.  I just kept wondering when my soulmate would appear.  

     As of this writing (2021), my husband and I have been married six years, and we are very happy.  We struggle with infertility, and there are times that's very hard.  People occasionally make thoughtless comments.  Seeing baby dedications at church can evoke difficult feelings.  Being in church on Mother's Day is painful at times.  We are in the process of adoption, but it is a slow process with a lot of waiting, and there are days I struggle.  Still, though, I think being single and waiting to meet one's spouse is harder than my current waiting.  I'll tell you why.

1) Thoughtless Comments that reveal deeper truths

     It is true that people sometimes make thoughtless comments to infertile couples, but I think it happens even more with marital status, and these comments reveal that single people often don't figure into the equation of many others.  Here are some comments I received from people while I was single.

*When I was your age, I was already married with three kids!  A woman I dearly love said this to me somewhat harshly one day when I was at the ripe old age of 23.  I guess she thought I was acting immature.  I don't know how she thought this would help or encourage me.  I'm not even sure why she thought I wasn't being mature.  I had my own apartment, successfully paid my bills, worked full-time in a ministry, and was finishing my theology degree.  The implication here is that to be mature, you have to be married and have kids, and that just isn't true.  That would mean Jesus was immature, since he did not marry or bear earthly children.  My life simply had a different path than this woman's had taken, but that had nothing to do with maturity or value.  Also, it is implied that it's just something you choose.  The choice to marry isn't always offered, and (as my current situation demonstrates), marriage doesn't always involve being able to bear children.  When these things come to certain people effortlessly, maybe it is easy for them to think it's everyone's due, and if someone doesn't have it, they did something wrong or immature.  I don't know.  I can't speak for others, only myself.  I consider my husband a gift from above, not my due, and will think the same of any children God gives. 

*If you're not happy single, you'll never be happy married.  It is true that another person can't fulfill the deepest part of your heart.  Only God can meet your emotional needs.  However, if you are letting God fulfill you, it is still okay to desire marriage!  I call it a "holy discontentment."  Not a complaining or whining, but a true heart's desire that you know God placed in you.  I believe Hannah had this when she went to the Lord in prayer (First Samuel 1).  I'm reminded of what the Christ-representing character Aslan says in The Magician's Nephew, "Well done, son of Adam. For this fruit you have hungered and thirsted and wept..."  That is how the battle of singleness can be for some of us.  We hunger, thirst, weep, pray.  One lesson I did learn quite early in my single adult years was to let God meet my emotional needs.  This was a valuable lesson to learn, and has made for a much better marriage.  But wanting a spouse doesn't mean you expect that person to fulfill you in ways only God can.  It just means you desire marriage--which is perfectly natural, and should not be lectured or criticized.  After all, Hebrews 13:4 says, Marriage is honorable among all...

*Maybe God knows you're not ready yet.  Again, there is a level of truth to this, because God may have plans for you and your future spouse that you can't even imagine yet, and He is preparing you.  And maybe the waiting isn't about you, but your future spouse.  However, this statement as it is sounds insulting.  When people said this to me while I was in my late 20's and early 30's, I thought, "Okay, so this 18-year-old getting married is ready but I'm a decade older than she is and I'm not ready?  What more do I need to do to be ready???"  It was very frustrating!  God's plans for you are probably very different than His plans for the 18-year-old.  And maybe that 18-year-old has a hard road ahead of her, but just happens to be getting married earlier.  I know for myself, my marriage is so much better than it would have been if I had married that young.  God's plans for everyone are so vastly different.  Second Corinthians 10:12 says that those who compare themselves to others are unwise.  The reason it is unwise is because, as I said, God is doing different things in and through each of us, and has different plans for each of us.  If He is taking His time in your life, it doesn't mean you're not as mature or desirable as others.  Maybe in other areas, you're way ahead of them, but they shouldn't feel bad about that either.  

*People making suggestions about things you should change in order to attract a significant other.  I have had people make some very hurtful suggestions about things I needed to change about myself in order to be marriage material.  I have been told to buy some new clothes, or change my hair, or other ridiculous, superficial things.  Be yourself!  If someone is meant for you, they will like the way you style yourself!  The person you will be with isn't some shallow idiot who will only be interested in you if you look like a Sears catalog ad (or a Cover Girl)!  

*It's probably too late for you now.  Yes, I had someone say this to me, believe it or not!  How old was I?  Twenty-seven.  I was visiting some people I greatly respected.  They were an older couple (who are now with the Lord).  They had married very young, and, as many often do, thought their story was the way everyone' story had to go (more about that a few points down).  All I can say to that is, it is never too late! I have heard of people marrying much older than a measly twenty-seven, so I have no idea why these people thought I was too old!  What they were saying to me was completely contrary to what God had put in my heart, and it really stung.  

*As soon as you stop wanting it, it will happen.  You just have to give up.  OR, As soon as you turn it over to God, He'll bring your spouse to you.  This is really ridiculous.  You should never give up hope.  Romans 5:5 tells us that Hope maketh not ashamed...  If you believe God has placed this on your heart, don't give up hoping!  Never give up!  Galatians 6:9 says, Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  I don't say this in a name-it-and-claim-it way.  I say it as biblical truth to apply to what God is laying on your heart.  Another point about that idea of giving up so that you'll get what you want is that it defies logic.  If you give up with the beliefs that as soon as you do, you'll get what you were hoping for, you didn't really give up.  It doesn't work logically!  As for God giving you what you want as soon as you turn it over to Him, that is also unbiblical.  That would make the motive for surrendering into a self-seeking motive.  Also, someone saying this to you implies that you are not surrendered, and I know many singles are deeply surrendered, but still struggle with unfulfilled desires.  

*Someone sharing their story as a model for what you're supposed to do and expect.  As I already stated, everyone's life story is different.  God has different plans for each of us.  No one's story is the cookie-cutter model that everyone else is supposed to follow.  We can be encouraged by someone's story, and see how God worked for them, and know that He is working on our behalf as well, but we are not that person, and we do not have their story.  I was very discouraged by books like Boy Meets Girl (the sequel to the infamous I Kissed Dating Goodbye), by Joshua Harris, and Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliott.  These authors shared their stories, and basically put that forward as the "right" way to do it.  My story is very different than either of these authors, and their stories don't fit me.  They weren't meant to.  Don't ever let anyone discourage you with their stories.  You are not them.  You are accountable for yourself, not them.  God meets us on an individual basis.  

     Those are some of the hurtful and frustrating things I was told as a single, and maybe you relate.  This is one reason I think waiting for marriage is harder than waiting for children.  

2)  Totally misunderstood

     There is a place in the church and society for married couples who struggle with infertility, and a lot of compassion is often shown.  That same kindness and understanding often isn't offered to singles.  People treat singles as if they have nothing to contribute, which is so unfortunate.  I know many singles who tirelessly serve the Lord and others.  The Bible even testifies to the fact that singleness is often ideal for ministry (First Corinthians 7:22-24).  The Apostle Paul spoke very highly of singleness.  Many of the most mightily used men and women in the Bible were single.  It is surprising that the Christian church in our culture has the opposite slant.  Singleness is often treated as a problem to be alleviated.  I remember when I used to meet older women and they found out I was single, they immediately started trying to find someone to introduce me to!  Very frustrating (occasionally amusing).  Years ago, I was working with a sweet woman in our church.  She and I were doing children's programs together.  She desperately wanted me to end up with her son.  This young man was not walking with the Lord (she thought I could "fix" him).  That relationship definitely wouldn't have been God's will for me.  It would have made me a lot happier if this woman had simply accepted me as I was, not trying to set me up.  

3) How Singleness is viewed

     As I said in the previous point, singleness is not a disease to be cured.  It is a valid lifestyle for God's people, and I often think people desire marriage so badly because singleness is so frowned-upon.  

     There's something deeper here too.  Your whole life--the issue of marriage/singleness, your career, your church, where you live, etc. is really an issue of Lordship.  It's about surrendering every area to Christ's care and control.  Sometimes, we isolate our love lives from this, but it should be top of the list to be surrendered.  If we really believe God is Sovereign, and that He has a plan for our lives, we need to conclude that our marital status plays a part in that.  If we are obeying Christ's leading to the best of our ability with His help, we can trust Him to guide us into His perfect will for our lives.  We don't need to worry or be frantic.  We can rest in Him.  He loves you more than you can imagine.  He has plans for you that will suit you perfectly.  He will guide you into all truth (John 16:13).  He also lays things on your heart that He has in store for you (Isaiah 30:21).  

     One of my favorite Bible stories about marriage is how God brought Rebekah to Isaac in Genesis 24.  Abraham's servant was sent to find a wife for Isaac.  This servant wanted God's perfect will for Isaac, and he really sought the Lord specifically for the right woman.  This should lead us to believe that God cares very deeply about the specifics of our love lives.  God doesn't just have this generic plan for you.  He has a specific plan!  He cares that much about you!  Verse 15 says that before this servant was even done speaking to the Lord, Rebekah came, and she filled the request the servant had just prayed for!  She had no idea she was part of God's plan, she was just obediently going about her business.  That's another lesson.  We're to go about our business obediently.  Rebekah ended up being the one God had for Isaac, and when she married him, it says in verse 67 that he loved her--the first time in scripture it specifically says a man loved a woman!  I think that's very romantic.  It all came about by God's guidance.  God will guide you to His perfect will for your life (Psalm 37:23).  He will give you your heart's desires (Psalm 37:4).  God cares deeply about you, your heart, your hopes.  He will do what is best for you.  Rest in Him.  

     If you think about the first marriage in history (Adam and Eve), you need to look at how God did it.  Adam was alone.  God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep while He (God) created Adam's wife for him.  It wasn't something Adam had to figure out for himself.  He couldn't have!  I believe God orchestrates our relationships today.  

In Conclusion

     Moving ahead, how should we, as the church, treat the single individuals in our midst?  Treat them like any friend!  Invite them to do fun things with you.  Reach out to them.  Be vulnerable with them about your own struggles.  Avoid thoughtless comments.  Remember your own single years, and what you struggled with during that time.  Share your own stories, but don't put them forth as what others should do or expect.  Give God the glory for everything He has done in your life.  Don't take your own marriage for granted.  There are singles out there who are just dying for a marriage like yours.  Be grateful.  Pray for the singles in your life.  I have five single friends I pray for every day as they fight battles only God knows.  
     On the flip side, singles also need to befriend their married counterparts.  I have been that lone single woman in the Bible study that no one included...but I have been the only married woman as well, and all the single women would gather together and talk like school girls, and not include me.  They would ask each other to go out for coffee after the study, and not invite me.  It was so weird the first time this happened to me on that end of it.  Everyone needs to be a good friend.  

What Can You Control?

     When you are completely broken, emotionally gutted, dying inside, or just incredibly stressed, and yet have to carry on anyway, what do you do?  How do you cope?  How do you do it?  It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the "big picture" of what is happening around you and inside of you, but it is better to instead break it down.  Get curious, and ask some questions.  David did that in Psalm 42, Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? (verse 5).  

     The info following is taken from Alison Cook, a Christian psychologist I follow.  I strongly recommend you look her up.  I will put her website at the bottom of this post.  She has some wonderful things to say that are both biblical and helpful.  Things that are taken word-for-word from her are in color.  The black type are my commentary and interaction with it.  

     First, I love the idea of understanding what is my job, and what is God's.  That can become fuzzy when we're hurting or overwhelmed (or even when we're going through life in general).  Alison Cook had this list in her blog:  

     This list reminds me very much of the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference; living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is--NOT as I would have it--trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next.  Amen.  We must distinguish what is our responsibility (what we can change) and what is not (what we cannot change).  We need to do what we're been given to do, and let God do His job in our lives.  

     Allison Cook asks some questions that can be helpful in breaking things down in order to move forward:

Fact Questions:

• What is true about my situation?  
• What has worked in the past?  
• What hasn’t worked?  
• What are some resources I haven’t tried yet?  
• What do I know to be true of God’s character?  

Feeling Questions:

• What do I feel about what’s happening?
• What am I telling myself about this situation?
• What am I telling myself about God’s role in this situation?
• What do I feel about God right now?

     Asking these fact and feeling questions will help you process your situation.  Additionally, we need to consider where we end and the other people in our lives begin.  Sometimes, interpersonal problems happen because we have a poor view of this.  Do you ever feel attacked or threatened when someone expresses a different belief or view than you?  I have at different times, but we really shouldn't.  This person's difference from you doesn't diminish what you believe or think, and when you see yourself as a separate entity, it is no longer a threat if they disagree with you.  We are all individuals, and must approach God that way: If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26).  Obviously, Jesus wasn't telling us to hate people in our lives, because He commands us to love others in multiple places in the gospels.  What He meant here was that our love and relationship with these people should dim in contrast to our relationship with Him, to almost be hate in comparison.  We can't come to God the way He says if we're dysfunctionally connected with people, seeing them as an extension of us.  And, as I said, it causes us to feel attacked when these people disagree with us.  

For example, consider the following things you might have control over:

• how much money you give to your adult son.
• how you respond when he picks a fight.
• what you tell other people about your ex.
• how much you interact with you mom.

Here are some things you do not have control over:

• what your son does with the money you give him.
• how he responds when you walk away from a fight.
• what your ex tells other people about you.
• what your mom thinks about you.

     These are just some examples, but you probably get the idea.  What examples would apply to your situation?  Here are some specific examples for me (maybe they'll apply to you too, or at least give more of an idea of how to think of it for your own life):

  

     *I can control how and when I to reach out to people...but I cannot control how, when, or even if, they get back to me.  

     *I can control how I share the gospel...but I cannot control how the person receives it. 

     *I can control who I interact with...but I cannot control what others say or think about me.

     *I can control what I write and make ever effort to be encouraging and edifying...but I cannot control how others interpret it when they read it.  

     *I can control how I treat people...but I cannot control whether or not they like me.

     *I can control how I share my views...but I cannot control whether or not people agree with me.  

     *I can control the way I give advice to others...but I cannot control whether or not they choose to take it. 

     *I can control what I believe...but I cannot control anyone else's beliefs.

     *I can control my reactions...but I cannot control anyone else's.  

     *I can control the way I try to make peace between people in conflict...but I cannot control whether or not they forgive each other.  

     Did any of those resound with you?  Do your part, but leave the results up to God.  Do your job, and let Him and others do theirs.  Recognizing this gives a lot of freedom when it becomes real to you that all this other stuff isn't your responsibility.  Remember what Jesus promised you: Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  (Matthew 11:28-30).  

Allison Cook's website is: https://www.alisoncookphd.com/

At the end of the day

     One of the common phrases people use today kind of annoys me, but not really for any particular reason.  I've really only noticed people using it as a phrase over the last couple of years.  That is "At the end of the day..."  This is synonymous with phrases like "When it's all said and done..." "Ultimately..."  or "When it comes right down to it..."  There is nothing wrong with any of these phrases.  I just get irrationally annoyed with At the end of the day...  I always just hear that and think, "Just say what you're going to say!"  But that's my idiosyncrasy!  

     When you think about the end of the day, what comes to mind?  I think about enjoying a quiet evening at home.  All the day's concerns are now behind me.  Maybe my husband and I have just eaten dinner, and I'm washing dishes.  Or maybe I'm reading a book.  I might be reflecting on my day and writing in my journal.  Maybe these peaceful thoughts about the day's end are why I don't particularly like using it as a catchphrase to describe how something ultimately is.  

     I like to think of the evening as a time of victory.  The end of the day should give each of us pause to think.  We've made it through another day.  I love the lyrics from the first verse of the worship song 10.000 Reasons  ...whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes.  Well, at this time of day, it is evening, and hopefully, you can sing for joy in the Lord, just as the song suggests.  I remember, several years ago, I went through a difficult patch at a job.  I temporarily had a difficult, irrational supervisor who could be difficult and even unnerving (it later came out that this woman practiced witchcraft).  I would sing that verse from 10,000 Reasons as I drove to work, and I would sing for joy and victory as I drove home.  

     It is going to appear that I'm changing the subject, but I'm not.  Bear with me.  

     How do you keep yourself out of situations with major gross sin in your life that needs to be dealt with?  We have all had times where we faced things about ourselves that we needed to examine and confess, possibly making amends with those we had wronged.  He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. (Proverbs 28:13).  We're not perfect, not even after salvation, so it stands to reason we might need to do that.  I talked about how to do it in my November 19, 2020 post, Inventory.  That was the second of a three-part series I did at the time, and if you haven't, I highly recommend going back and reading those.  However, once you have made that step, there is a way to limit the major experiences with big issues.  This is to daily take personal inventory.  Examine our lives in the small, daily things, and nip it in the bud, before it becomes big.  Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24).  

     At the end of the day, I like to take personal inventory.  I have a special journal that asks these questions, and I recommend that kind of reflection.  These steps are a good move toward staying on the right path.  And it's best to do it at the end of the day...

1) Write the date, the answer the following:

2) How am I feeling right now?

3)  What did I do rightly today?  

4) What strength did I exercise?  

5)  What did I do wrongly today? 

6) What character defect did I demonstrate?  

7) To whom do I need to make amends?  

8)  What are my prayer requests?  

     As you daily take inventory at the end of the day, you will be able to evaluate (with God's help) how you are doing.  You will start to see some common strengths and weaknesses in yourself, and begin to ask for God's help.  You will see the mixed bag that is you: your strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else has (None is righteous, no, not one. --Romans 3:10,  ...each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another--First Corinthians 7:7).  It is only you and God looking at it, so be honest.  Be real.  Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth to you.  If you realize you sinned against someone, make it right!  This is biblical!  Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.  It is much easier when you are daily taking inventory of yourself, instead of letting it become something huge that needs major attention in your life.  Keeping short accounts with the Lord and others is so vital if we are going to have effective Christian lives.  It's the best thing to do at the end of the day!  

Babysitters

     This is copied from my other blog, Between You and Me.  To be honest, I don't write in that one as much.  It's a commentary on pop-culture, usually funny, but sometimes more in-depth.  If you're interested in looking at that one, it's between-you-and-me-wink.blogspot.com.  This particular post seemed to also fit here, so I copied it.  Without further ado...

     I recently spotted a used book being sold for a few cents, so I snatched it up.  It was actually a boxed set of books 1-4 of the Babysitter's Club series, which were very popular when I was growing up.  I believe that there were 131 books in the Babysitter's Club series, written from 1986-1999 (plus some other interrelated series about the characters).  I lost count of them long before the series concluded (I grew older than the intended audience, although the characters were frozen as 13-year-olds for a long time).  My sister, friends and I read these books.  They were everywhere.  This very popular series is very nostalgic to my generation of young girls.  Back in 1990, there was a television show based on the books, and it was actually very cute.  In 1995 (just as I was growing beyond it and losing interest), a movie came out in theaters, which was fun.  Some of my friends tried to start their own Babysitters Club, but it didn't really get off the ground.  I didn't join, because we all knew different families who preferred particular babysitters, and wanted to arrange the job when they needed to, not wait for a certain meeting time.  Real life doesn't flow as seamlessly as in the book!  

1986 edition of book 1

1990 HBO Television series

1995 movie

     In 2009, the books (which by then, were out of print) were modernized as graphic novels, and more recently, Netflix has launched a Babysitters Club series, set in current times.  Researching all of this, I see more and more how this series is a product of its time, and didn't really age well.  

      Seeing these original books in the store stirred something in me.  And yet upon re-reading them, I was reminded of why this creative, promising series fell short for me, and still does.  I am writing as someone who read several of the books growing up (and re-read a few recently), as well as watched the 1990 TV show and 1995 movie.  I have not read the graphic novels, nor watched the Netflix series (though I have researched both).  

     The premise of the series (set in a small Connecticut town) is that bright, ambitious Kristy launches a babysitter's club with three of her friends (Mary Ann, Claudia and Stacey).  Over the course of the series, more members are added.  What a fun idea!  Kids like the thought of having a club with their friends.  I can see why this was appealing to girls (myself included!).  Kids start clubs all the time, but seldom do they have the organization or the longevity that the Babysitters Club has (which is unrealistic, but forgivable!).  Each member has her own backstory.  They are all very different, and the reader gets to know their personalities and secrets.  

     Kristy Thomas is a leader personality, the one with the big ideas.  She can be a trifle bossy, which alienates others, but if it weren't for her, the club would never have started, much less continued.  Kristy is from a broken home, and has struggled with the effects of divorce, and then her mother's remarriage.  I think Kristy is realistically portrayed as struggling with these things, and in her storyline, the confusion of dealing with that is shown as real-to-life.  Sometimes, children have these kinds of difficulties in their families, and watching Kristy struggle through those things can be validating.  In her case, the focus is on Kristy and her feelings, not on her parents situation.  

     Mary Anne Spier, Kristy's best friend, is also from a single-parent home (initially), but in her case, her father is a widower. Mary Anne's mother died when she was very young.  She is initially very shy, but finds her way.  Her father eventually remarries the mother of another club member, Dawn (Dawn is another member from a divorced home).  Mary Anne has a love for sophisticated things and places, but must keep that hidden from her overprotective father for a while.  

     Claudia Kishi is a Japanese-American girl.  She is from an in-tact family, and is especially close with her grandmother, who lives with them.  Claudia is bright, but not particularly academic, much to the chagrin of her parents and genius older sister.  Claudia's brilliance is more of a creative type, and she is very artistic.  She had been friends with Kristy and Mary Ann when they were all younger, but shortly before the formation of the Babysitters Club, she had felt that she outgrew them, and saw them as babies.  She has more sophisticated tastes, and started liking boys and fashionable clothing before they did.  She has her own phone line in her room, and this number is used for Babysitters Club meetings.  

     Stacey McGill is a transplant from New York City.  She is an only child, and her family moved to Connecticut when her father's job transferred him.  She is especially close with Claudia.  Stacey found out she is diabetic shortly before the start of the series, and she initially hides her ailment from others (it caused her a lot of embarrassment back in New York).  Stacey is the most boy-crazy and least innocent of the group.  It is implied her parents had money, as they could afford to live in a very nice apartment in New York City (I believe Manhattan), send her to a nice private school, shop at high-end stores, and eat at sophisticated restaurants.  Her parents had pretty much let her do whatever she wanted prior to the diabetes diagnosis.  Afterwards, though, they had become overprotective (also, they had been trying for years to have another child, and had been unable, which added to their complicated relationship with Stacey).  

     These are the initial four members.  As I said, more join later on over the course of the series.  I'm not going to jump into them, though, because I'm going to analyze the series itself more than the characters.

     Through this series, the girls deal with normal growing-up things, such as having a crush, getting in fights with friends, and of course, babysitting.  From the books I've read (and, as I said, I didn't read them all), it appears these girls have trouble making friendships with those outside the group, or feel threatened if one of their members has a friend the rest don't know.  They're overall nice girls (and very responsible), but they are kind of cliquish and petty.

     While these books are fun (and nostalgic now), what I disliked about them was the way they normalized broken relationships and families.  I think Kristy's reaction to her parents' divorce is normal, and really portrays the effects of divorce on children realistically.  Art imitates life.  However, through the course of the series, there are several situations with divorce and remarriage, and I feel it glorifies it and makes it look like a fun adventure.  Stacey McGill's parents divorce in the middle of the series (when there was no hint of it prior).  It is said that they went to marriage counseling, and the counselor told them to divorce.  That really bothers me, because, if they were in counseling, they obviously wanted help for their marriage.  This counselor told them there was no hope, and they listened.  That's harsh.  There is always hope, so this is a wrong message.  I know the focus is on Stacey and her story, not her parents, but it is still a wrong message.  They already had two characters from divorced homes by this time (Kristy and Dawn), so there really wasn't a need to throw this curve ball at Stacey.  It was also part of the plot line.  After Stacey and her parents had lived in Connecticut for a while, her dad's job transferred him back to New York City.  Because readers were so upset that she had moved away, the author decided to move her back after a while, and they did this by having her parents divorce, and her mom move back to Connecticut with Stacey.  The way it was done made marriage and family seem disposable.  The better message is showing people working through their problems, rather than just calling it quits.  

     Additionally, the way the girls act with boyfriends is often similar.  Boyfriends are seen as disposable in a lot of cases.  They break up and go on to another one.  That is a wrong message, and prepares young girls for divorce more than marriage.  It is true that few girls marry the boy they went out with as a teen, but they should still value all people in their lives.  Personally, I believe the teen years are best suited to developing one's own abilities and skills, and becoming who they're meant to be.  A lot of dating can really distract someone from those goals.  I'm not someone who is 100% against all teen dating (all circumstances are different, so I can't make a hard, fast rule), but the girls in the Babysitters Club are pretty young to be engaging in these kinds of dating relationships that probably won't go anywhere.  I would have preferred  the books showing the girls having some innocent crushes on boys, but not having that be the center of their universe.  They're too worldly-wise.  

     The only enduring love shown in the book is the friendship between the girls themselves.  These bonds run deeper than marriage, family or boyfriends, and that is kind of enmeshed and unhealthy.  There seems to be a lot of girl drama between them, and that also made me uncomfortable at times.  

 

     So far, everything I have said could still be argued as being art imitating life.  I think the author should have given the reader something better and more beautiful to strive for than the failures around us, but...okay, it's how life works sometimes.  However, in the new Netflix reincarnation of the series, I have some real issues.  I reiterate that I haven't watched it, but I have read up on it.  They turn sweet, shy Mary Anne into a social justice warrior who speaks up on behalf of a transgender child she is babysitting.  Dawn's parents' divorce was said to be because her dad came out of the closet.  This new series is not only normalizing disposable marriages and relationships, but also the LGBT community.  This is already being shoved down everyone's throats and bullied on us.  We don't need more of it.  This is an agenda.  The whole idea of this is a whole conversation in itself, but I'm going to try to briefly explain why overall gripe with the entire Babysitter's Club franchise.  

     God's design in His word is for one man and one woman to vow before Him to be together for life.  That's what marriage is.  The two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:8, Ephesians 5:31).  If it is reiterated that much in scripture, God must mean it, right (God means everything in His word, even it if is only stated once, but these four verses truly emphasize it)?  Singleness is also God's will for some of His children (Matthew 19:12, First Corinthians 7:7). Sometimes, marriages end, and the results are heartbreaking and devastating to all concerned.  It isn't some fun adventure the way the Babysitter's Club portrays it.  It is heartrending.  They did a good job showing Kristy's struggle with it, but fell short otherwise.  It should not be normalized.  Children of broken homes should be validated, and that can sometimes be done through books and other media, but it shouldn't be portrayed as this great, normal, almost inconsequential thing.  Additionally, pushing the gay agenda (trying to normalize it) is also contrary to God's word.  I would love to see a Christian writer create a story about a character with same-sex attraction, or who struggles with gender dysphoria, but chooses to follow God's way, and lives celibate, daily struggling with these urges, but not giving in.  People with these feelings of same-sex attraction or gender dysphoria are real and part of our lives.  They should be acknowledged in art...but not the way the Babysitter's Club chooses to do it.  These people are just like the rest of us.  They are living with the effects of sin in our world, and temptations to do things their own way instead of God's.  Like the rest of us, they are called to deny themselves, take up their crosses daily, and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24, Mark 8:34, Luke 9:23--another emphasized idea in scripture).  It is not God's will for anyone to indulge desires for sex outside of God's design of marriage between one man and one woman.  This applies to the heterosexual single person with burning passions and desires, it applies to the married person who finds himself or herself attracted to someone besides their spouse, and it applies to the person who has same-sex attraction.  These things are struggles in our flesh, and should not be celebrated or normalized.  Those who struggle with any of this should be accountable to other believers they can trust, and supported lovingly as they seek to do it God's way.  As for gender dysphoria, first of all, this is not the same things as same-sex attraction, so I don't know why it is in the same category.   If someone feels that they were born with the wrong sex organs, their struggle and experience should be lovingly listened to and acknowledged, but they should not be taught to indulge it.  They, too, need to take up their crosses daily and follow Jesus.  God didn't make a mistake when He made them as He did.  Jesus Himself knows what it is to have an insufficient body.  He was God, confined to a weak human body.  And yet He was obedient to the father in that body, even to the point of death.  A person's physical sex organs, not his or her psychology, determine his or her sex.  This transgender idea is being pushed on people who might not even consider it otherwise.  I knew two different individuals in different college campuses.  They didn't even know the other, but I knew them both.  Both of them went to the college's psychology department to deal with depression, and both of them were told by the counselors that they were really  transgender and suppressing it.  They were both able to be sold on the idea, because they were depressed and desperate.  That's a problem.  These universities preyed on already-hurting people.  They are now pawns of this agenda, and it has caused incredible hurt for them and their families.  I have seen people having this idea pushed on them that they might be transgender, simply because they don't adhere to all the traditional stereotypes of their given sex.  That is really foolish, and I thought we, as a society, were beyond that kind of sexist stereotyping.  Just because a girl is athletic and dislikes pink lacy dresses doesn't mean she's really a boy!  Nor is a sensitive, artistic boy really a girl deep down.  Additionally, I think it is sick the way people who are genuinely struggling with this are treated as if they don't have to have self-control, and at the same time, are treated like a racial minority.  Not agreeing with indulging this is then equated with the Ku Klux Klan or other gross racism in our nation.  Simply because I believe a person born with male parts is a male is suddenly equal to owning slaves or burning down the home of a family of a different race than me.  It is insane.  It is vastly different.  As Christians, we do need to be loving toward all in the LGBT community, but loving doesn't mean we have to share their worldview.  

     One positive mark I will give the "new and improved" Babysitters Club (new graphic novels and the Neflix series) is that they have made it more racially diverse.  While I disagree with some of what they push, I strongly agree with racial diversity.  Art truly does imitate life here.  The United States is a land of diversity.  E pluribus unum--meaning one from many--is printed on our money.  Americans have so many different ancestries.  I like it when this is expressed in art.  Furthermore, God's plan is for believers to reach "the ends of the earth" with the gospel, and He has brought "the ends of the earth" to us in many ways.  God shows no partiality (Acts 10:34-35).  So I think that this new generation of the Babysitters Club being more racially diverse is a good thing.  Kids being friends with kids of other races should be normalized, and I love that this series is striving to do that (it did so in the original series as well, but more so now).  

     That was a lot, but if we are going to establish the problems with the Babysitters Club, we need to examine our own worldview.  It is clear, even in the "innocent" book series from the 80's and 90's, a secular humanistic view is shown.  Families are inconsequential.  Marriage was disposable.  Divorce led to fun and adventure.  Boys were objects for girls to enjoy and fawn over (that's as wrong as males doing it to females, by the way).  With no moral compass, it is no wonder this series evolved into what it is now.  If you enjoyed this series (and I can easily see why you would), consider what message it was sending.  In fact, we should be doing this with all our reading, viewing and entertainment.  What's the message?  How much are we taking it to heart?   

     A Christian alternative to the Babysitters Club was a series written by Elaine L. Schulte, The Twelve Candles Club.  If you can get used copies off of Amazon, I highly recommend it as an alternative.  But whatever you read or find nostalgia in, Do all to the glory of God. (First Corinthians 10:31).