When you are completely broken, emotionally gutted, dying inside, or just incredibly stressed, and yet have to carry on anyway, what do you do? How do you cope? How do you do it? It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the "big picture" of what is happening around you and inside of you, but it is better to instead break it down. Get curious, and ask some questions. David did that in Psalm 42, Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? (verse 5).
The info following is taken from Alison Cook, a Christian psychologist I follow. I strongly recommend you look her up. I will put her website at the bottom of this post. She has some wonderful things to say that are both biblical and helpful. Things that are taken word-for-word from her are in color. The black type are my commentary and interaction with it.
First, I love the idea of understanding what is my job, and what is God's. That can become fuzzy when we're hurting or overwhelmed (or even when we're going through life in general). Alison Cook had this list in her blog:
This list reminds me very much of the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference; living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is--NOT as I would have it--trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will, so I may be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. We must distinguish what is our responsibility (what we can change) and what is not (what we cannot change). We need to do what we're been given to do, and let God do His job in our lives.
Allison Cook asks some questions that can be helpful in breaking things down in order to move forward:
Fact Questions:
- What is true about my situation?
- What has worked in the past?
- What hasn’t worked?
- What are some resources I haven’t tried yet?
- What do I know to be true of God’s character?
Feeling Questions:
- What do I feel about what’s happening?
- What am I telling myself about this situation?
- What am I telling myself about God’s role in this situation?
- What do I feel about God right now?
Asking these fact and feeling questions will help you process your situation. Additionally, we need to consider where we end and the other people in our lives begin. Sometimes, interpersonal problems happen because we have a poor view of this. Do you ever feel attacked or threatened when someone expresses a different belief or view than you? I have at different times, but we really shouldn't. This person's difference from you doesn't diminish what you believe or think, and when you see yourself as a separate entity, it is no longer a threat if they disagree with you. We are all individuals, and must approach God that way: If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26). Obviously, Jesus wasn't telling us to hate people in our lives, because He commands us to love others in multiple places in the gospels. What He meant here was that our love and relationship with these people should dim in contrast to our relationship with Him, to almost be hate in comparison. We can't come to God the way He says if we're dysfunctionally connected with people, seeing them as an extension of us. And, as I said, it causes us to feel attacked when these people disagree with us.
For example, consider the following things you might have control over:
- how much money you give to your adult son.
- how you respond when he picks a fight.
- what you tell other people about your ex.
- how much you interact with you mom.
Here are some things you do not have control over:
- what your son does with the money you give him.
- how he responds when you walk away from a fight.
- what your ex tells other people about you.
- what your mom thinks about you.
These are just some examples, but you probably get the idea. What examples would apply to your situation? Here are some specific examples for me (maybe they'll apply to you too, or at least give more of an idea of how to think of it for your own life):
*I can control how and when I to reach out to people...but I cannot control how, when, or even if, they get back to me.
*I can control how I share the gospel...but I cannot control how the person receives it.
*I can control who I interact with...but I cannot control what others say or think about me.
*I can control what I write and make ever effort to be encouraging and edifying...but I cannot control how others interpret it when they read it.
*I can control how I treat people...but I cannot control whether or not they like me.
*I can control how I share my views...but I cannot control whether or not people agree with me.
*I can control the way I give advice to others...but I cannot control whether or not they choose to take it.
*I can control what I believe...but I cannot control anyone else's beliefs.
*I can control my reactions...but I cannot control anyone else's.
*I can control the way I try to make peace between people in conflict...but I cannot control whether or not they forgive each other.
Did any of those resound with you? Do your part, but leave the results up to God. Do your job, and let Him and others do theirs. Recognizing this gives a lot of freedom when it becomes real to you that all this other stuff isn't your responsibility. Remember what Jesus promised you: Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30).
Allison Cook's website is: https://www.alisoncookphd.com/
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