Singled Out

      I always used to say that if I wrote a book about singleness/dating/marriage issues, the title would be Singled Out.  Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?  Plus, it's a play on words.  On a deeper level, though, I think that's how single people often feel.  I believe single adults can be the most marginalized members of our churches.  Note, a look on Amazon reveals that others have had the same book idea--there are a few different books about singleness entitled Singled Out!  I've also been reminded that this was also the name of a dating game show some years ago when I was a teenager (I never watched it and barely remember knowing it existed).  I guess my idea isn't that original!  

     Before I go further with this, I'm going to clarify that, while I am married, I spent the first thirty-three years of my life as single--which means I spent fifteen years as a single adult.  This is longer than some, but shorter than many others.  Nevertheless, that was fifteen years of seeing my friends get into relationships, oftentimes resulting in marriage, and wondering when my turn would come.  Fifteen years of waiting, occasionally having the makings of what seemed to be a relationship, only to have it not go anywhere.  Fifteen years of being the only single woman in certain women's Bible studies, and being completely left out of the social aspect of things.  Fifteen years of hearing sermon illustrations about marriage that didn't apply to me.  During those fifteen years, I was a bridesmaid three times (and since I ended up married, that disproves the old adage: Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride).  It wasn't that I envied any of my friends their boyfriends/fiances/husbands.  They suited them, but wouldn't have suited me.  I just kept wondering when my soulmate would appear.  

     As of this writing (2021), my husband and I have been married six years, and we are very happy.  We struggle with infertility, and there are times that's very hard.  People occasionally make thoughtless comments.  Seeing baby dedications at church can evoke difficult feelings.  Being in church on Mother's Day is painful at times.  We are in the process of adoption, but it is a slow process with a lot of waiting, and there are days I struggle.  Still, though, I think being single and waiting to meet one's spouse is harder than my current waiting.  I'll tell you why.

1) Thoughtless Comments that reveal deeper truths

     It is true that people sometimes make thoughtless comments to infertile couples, but I think it happens even more with marital status, and these comments reveal that single people often don't figure into the equation of many others.  Here are some comments I received from people while I was single.

*When I was your age, I was already married with three kids!  A woman I dearly love said this to me somewhat harshly one day when I was at the ripe old age of 23.  I guess she thought I was acting immature.  I don't know how she thought this would help or encourage me.  I'm not even sure why she thought I wasn't being mature.  I had my own apartment, successfully paid my bills, worked full-time in a ministry, and was finishing my theology degree.  The implication here is that to be mature, you have to be married and have kids, and that just isn't true.  That would mean Jesus was immature, since he did not marry or bear earthly children.  My life simply had a different path than this woman's had taken, but that had nothing to do with maturity or value.  Also, it is implied that it's just something you choose.  The choice to marry isn't always offered, and (as my current situation demonstrates), marriage doesn't always involve being able to bear children.  When these things come to certain people effortlessly, maybe it is easy for them to think it's everyone's due, and if someone doesn't have it, they did something wrong or immature.  I don't know.  I can't speak for others, only myself.  I consider my husband a gift from above, not my due, and will think the same of any children God gives. 

*If you're not happy single, you'll never be happy married.  It is true that another person can't fulfill the deepest part of your heart.  Only God can meet your emotional needs.  However, if you are letting God fulfill you, it is still okay to desire marriage!  I call it a "holy discontentment."  Not a complaining or whining, but a true heart's desire that you know God placed in you.  I believe Hannah had this when she went to the Lord in prayer (First Samuel 1).  I'm reminded of what the Christ-representing character Aslan says in The Magician's Nephew, "Well done, son of Adam. For this fruit you have hungered and thirsted and wept..."  That is how the battle of singleness can be for some of us.  We hunger, thirst, weep, pray.  One lesson I did learn quite early in my single adult years was to let God meet my emotional needs.  This was a valuable lesson to learn, and has made for a much better marriage.  But wanting a spouse doesn't mean you expect that person to fulfill you in ways only God can.  It just means you desire marriage--which is perfectly natural, and should not be lectured or criticized.  After all, Hebrews 13:4 says, Marriage is honorable among all...

*Maybe God knows you're not ready yet.  Again, there is a level of truth to this, because God may have plans for you and your future spouse that you can't even imagine yet, and He is preparing you.  And maybe the waiting isn't about you, but your future spouse.  However, this statement as it is sounds insulting.  When people said this to me while I was in my late 20's and early 30's, I thought, "Okay, so this 18-year-old getting married is ready but I'm a decade older than she is and I'm not ready?  What more do I need to do to be ready???"  It was very frustrating!  God's plans for you are probably very different than His plans for the 18-year-old.  And maybe that 18-year-old has a hard road ahead of her, but just happens to be getting married earlier.  I know for myself, my marriage is so much better than it would have been if I had married that young.  God's plans for everyone are so vastly different.  Second Corinthians 10:12 says that those who compare themselves to others are unwise.  The reason it is unwise is because, as I said, God is doing different things in and through each of us, and has different plans for each of us.  If He is taking His time in your life, it doesn't mean you're not as mature or desirable as others.  Maybe in other areas, you're way ahead of them, but they shouldn't feel bad about that either.  

*People making suggestions about things you should change in order to attract a significant other.  I have had people make some very hurtful suggestions about things I needed to change about myself in order to be marriage material.  I have been told to buy some new clothes, or change my hair, or other ridiculous, superficial things.  Be yourself!  If someone is meant for you, they will like the way you style yourself!  The person you will be with isn't some shallow idiot who will only be interested in you if you look like a Sears catalog ad (or a Cover Girl)!  

*It's probably too late for you now.  Yes, I had someone say this to me, believe it or not!  How old was I?  Twenty-seven.  I was visiting some people I greatly respected.  They were an older couple (who are now with the Lord).  They had married very young, and, as many often do, thought their story was the way everyone' story had to go (more about that a few points down).  All I can say to that is, it is never too late! I have heard of people marrying much older than a measly twenty-seven, so I have no idea why these people thought I was too old!  What they were saying to me was completely contrary to what God had put in my heart, and it really stung.  

*As soon as you stop wanting it, it will happen.  You just have to give up.  OR, As soon as you turn it over to God, He'll bring your spouse to you.  This is really ridiculous.  You should never give up hope.  Romans 5:5 tells us that Hope maketh not ashamed...  If you believe God has placed this on your heart, don't give up hoping!  Never give up!  Galatians 6:9 says, Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  I don't say this in a name-it-and-claim-it way.  I say it as biblical truth to apply to what God is laying on your heart.  Another point about that idea of giving up so that you'll get what you want is that it defies logic.  If you give up with the beliefs that as soon as you do, you'll get what you were hoping for, you didn't really give up.  It doesn't work logically!  As for God giving you what you want as soon as you turn it over to Him, that is also unbiblical.  That would make the motive for surrendering into a self-seeking motive.  Also, someone saying this to you implies that you are not surrendered, and I know many singles are deeply surrendered, but still struggle with unfulfilled desires.  

*Someone sharing their story as a model for what you're supposed to do and expect.  As I already stated, everyone's life story is different.  God has different plans for each of us.  No one's story is the cookie-cutter model that everyone else is supposed to follow.  We can be encouraged by someone's story, and see how God worked for them, and know that He is working on our behalf as well, but we are not that person, and we do not have their story.  I was very discouraged by books like Boy Meets Girl (the sequel to the infamous I Kissed Dating Goodbye), by Joshua Harris, and Passion and Purity, by Elisabeth Elliott.  These authors shared their stories, and basically put that forward as the "right" way to do it.  My story is very different than either of these authors, and their stories don't fit me.  They weren't meant to.  Don't ever let anyone discourage you with their stories.  You are not them.  You are accountable for yourself, not them.  God meets us on an individual basis.  

     Those are some of the hurtful and frustrating things I was told as a single, and maybe you relate.  This is one reason I think waiting for marriage is harder than waiting for children.  

2)  Totally misunderstood

     There is a place in the church and society for married couples who struggle with infertility, and a lot of compassion is often shown.  That same kindness and understanding often isn't offered to singles.  People treat singles as if they have nothing to contribute, which is so unfortunate.  I know many singles who tirelessly serve the Lord and others.  The Bible even testifies to the fact that singleness is often ideal for ministry (First Corinthians 7:22-24).  The Apostle Paul spoke very highly of singleness.  Many of the most mightily used men and women in the Bible were single.  It is surprising that the Christian church in our culture has the opposite slant.  Singleness is often treated as a problem to be alleviated.  I remember when I used to meet older women and they found out I was single, they immediately started trying to find someone to introduce me to!  Very frustrating (occasionally amusing).  Years ago, I was working with a sweet woman in our church.  She and I were doing children's programs together.  She desperately wanted me to end up with her son.  This young man was not walking with the Lord (she thought I could "fix" him).  That relationship definitely wouldn't have been God's will for me.  It would have made me a lot happier if this woman had simply accepted me as I was, not trying to set me up.  

3) How Singleness is viewed

     As I said in the previous point, singleness is not a disease to be cured.  It is a valid lifestyle for God's people, and I often think people desire marriage so badly because singleness is so frowned-upon.  

     There's something deeper here too.  Your whole life--the issue of marriage/singleness, your career, your church, where you live, etc. is really an issue of Lordship.  It's about surrendering every area to Christ's care and control.  Sometimes, we isolate our love lives from this, but it should be top of the list to be surrendered.  If we really believe God is Sovereign, and that He has a plan for our lives, we need to conclude that our marital status plays a part in that.  If we are obeying Christ's leading to the best of our ability with His help, we can trust Him to guide us into His perfect will for our lives.  We don't need to worry or be frantic.  We can rest in Him.  He loves you more than you can imagine.  He has plans for you that will suit you perfectly.  He will guide you into all truth (John 16:13).  He also lays things on your heart that He has in store for you (Isaiah 30:21).  

     One of my favorite Bible stories about marriage is how God brought Rebekah to Isaac in Genesis 24.  Abraham's servant was sent to find a wife for Isaac.  This servant wanted God's perfect will for Isaac, and he really sought the Lord specifically for the right woman.  This should lead us to believe that God cares very deeply about the specifics of our love lives.  God doesn't just have this generic plan for you.  He has a specific plan!  He cares that much about you!  Verse 15 says that before this servant was even done speaking to the Lord, Rebekah came, and she filled the request the servant had just prayed for!  She had no idea she was part of God's plan, she was just obediently going about her business.  That's another lesson.  We're to go about our business obediently.  Rebekah ended up being the one God had for Isaac, and when she married him, it says in verse 67 that he loved her--the first time in scripture it specifically says a man loved a woman!  I think that's very romantic.  It all came about by God's guidance.  God will guide you to His perfect will for your life (Psalm 37:23).  He will give you your heart's desires (Psalm 37:4).  God cares deeply about you, your heart, your hopes.  He will do what is best for you.  Rest in Him.  

     If you think about the first marriage in history (Adam and Eve), you need to look at how God did it.  Adam was alone.  God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep while He (God) created Adam's wife for him.  It wasn't something Adam had to figure out for himself.  He couldn't have!  I believe God orchestrates our relationships today.  

In Conclusion

     Moving ahead, how should we, as the church, treat the single individuals in our midst?  Treat them like any friend!  Invite them to do fun things with you.  Reach out to them.  Be vulnerable with them about your own struggles.  Avoid thoughtless comments.  Remember your own single years, and what you struggled with during that time.  Share your own stories, but don't put them forth as what others should do or expect.  Give God the glory for everything He has done in your life.  Don't take your own marriage for granted.  There are singles out there who are just dying for a marriage like yours.  Be grateful.  Pray for the singles in your life.  I have five single friends I pray for every day as they fight battles only God knows.  
     On the flip side, singles also need to befriend their married counterparts.  I have been that lone single woman in the Bible study that no one included...but I have been the only married woman as well, and all the single women would gather together and talk like school girls, and not include me.  They would ask each other to go out for coffee after the study, and not invite me.  It was so weird the first time this happened to me on that end of it.  Everyone needs to be a good friend.