Spiritual Bypassing

      In a recent post, I mentioned spiritual bypassing.  But what is it?  We are going to examine it from a biblical Christian worldview, though the term was actually popularized in the '80s by psychologist John Welwood (who, himself was a Buddhist leader).  This behavior is a form of abuse and manipulation, and can work into any faith community, by simply adopting (and misusing) that religion's terminology to manipulate others.  Sadly, Christianity is not immune to spiritual bypassing.  As a Bible-believing Christian, I use the definition that spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual-sounding practices as a means to avoid confrontation or responsibility.  

     A simple example: Bill loses his temper and lashes out at his friend Joe.  Joe stands up for himself and tells Bill not to talk to him that way.  Bill immediately says, "You're being critical of me!  The Bible says to love others, and all you do is find fault with me!"  Hey! Joe thinks.  Wait a minute!  He was just lashing out at me, and now I'm in the wrong and being critical?  In the confusing moment it takes for Joe to think this, Bill smiles at his friend and says, "Let's pray."  

     Do you see what Bill just did?  He avoided taking any responsibility for how he just treated Joe by spiritualizing everything, concluding with prayer.  He even used a Biblical idea to get his point across.  It should be apparent to all of us that Bill is not actually being godly or spiritual.  He is using godly-sounding words to change the subject and shift the blame for his own sin.  He is counting on Joe to be too taken aback and confused to confront him in the moment.  He takes it as a given that Joe, as a Christian, values the Bible and prayer, so he uses these things as a weapon against him.  This would be an example spiritual bypassing. 

     Bill and Joe are made-up characters for the sake of example.  I found a real-life example at the website Recovering Alumni (if you are interested, I'll give the link at the end of this post).  This is a website for those who were hurt by a particular ministry organization known as Teen Mania.  This ministry has accomplished much good, but many of the teens and young adults who served with them report having experienced emotional and spiritual abuse--and a few even reported physical abuse.  Recovering Alumni's founder put the site together to provide healing, and to help people be able to share their stories, and be able to separate the ministry's abuse from the truth of Jesus and the Bible.  Some who were hurt by this ministry were leaving Christianity, and this person wanted to prevent people's loss of faith.  As a result, he set up the site for people to be able to share and encourage each other.  

     The leadership of Teen Mania (which has since closed down permanently) resented the Recovering Alumni website.  They accused the site's founder of facilitating slander.  In an exchange of emails between the founder and one of the ministry's leadership, this leader continually tells the site's founder that he is gossiping and slandering.  He warned the site's founder that he would give an account for everything said on the site.  He proceeded to downplay some of the hurts that had been expressed on the site, focusing instead on the fact that he saw the site as speaking ill of Christians.  Some half-hearted admissions of irresponsibility were made a few specific times by the ministry leader, but on the whole, he mostly just criticizes the website and minimizes the harm his organization has inflicted.  

     The idea that we will "give an account" is biblical (Romans 14:12).  But look how the ministry leader misapplied it.  The site's founder will not give an account for what someone else says.  He created an online place for people to heal, and be encouraged to continue walking with Christ.  That is a good, honorable thing.  The founder closely monitored the site, but even if people chose to actually slander, that would be on them, not on the godly-minded founder who desperately wanted to help others do right.  Also, the ministry leader misused the idea of gossip and slander.  People sharing their legitimate experiences is neither gossip nor slander.  Sometimes, the truth hurts.  But rather than take real responsibility, the leader of this ministry accuses the site of slander, and warns that they'll give an account.  That actually cuts both ways, but we'll leave that for the moment.  This ministry leader used spiritual bypassing to avoid really examining the legitimacy of what was being said.  

     Have you experienced this phenomena?  Some people practice spiritual bypassing innocently, not really knowing how to solve problems and just throwing out a Christian-sounding phrase they've heard to try to just resolve the issue.  But often, spiritual bypassing is intentional, and the person doing it wants to posture himself over the other person, keeping a hold in his power and ability to abuse.  This is scary, and must be stopped!

     Having served in full-time ministry for much of my adult life (and even back into my teens), I have witnessed a lot of spiritual bypassing.  It is my hope that my experiences can help to validate others, and to help in exposing what this abusive practice looks like and preventing it.  I am going to share three personal examples, and one example from someone close to me.  Each little story is slightly different, so notice how each person used spiritual lingo to avoid responsibility and misdirect attention away from their sin.  Also, the first two examples are of people doing the spiritual bypassing, and the third and fourth example are of leaders facilitating manipulative people, thus causing the spiritual bypassing.  Following this, I'm going to offer some biblical examples and responses, and what you can do if you find yourself being spiritually bypassed.

     Personal example 1: I taught the kids ministry for a women's Bible study group with another woman.  This other woman was difficult for me to work with,  One particular time, she disliked something I had said.  Instead of talking to me privately, and asking for specifics (she hadn't even heard what I said, she was going on falsely-repeated hearsay), she waited until everyone was around, including some of our superiors in this ministry.  With everyone standing around, she proceeded to accuse me very openly.  She was very outrightly confrontational, and it was completely insulting and humiliating.  What she thought I said was very far removed from reality, and she refused to hear me try to explain.  Unlike her, I waited until we were alone, and I told her I hadn't appreciated how she had chosen to confront me, and I went on to show her Matthew 18, where Jesus gave the right way to confront someone (which she had completely avoided).  Her response should have been an apology, or at least a discussion about what happened.  Instead, she told me, "Satan is using you to attack me!"  She didn't want to take responsibility for how she had misjudged what I had said, confronted me publicly without talking to me privately, and refused to hear me.  Instead, she wanted to blame me, and Satan.  Just like many who practice this abusive technique, she banked on me being so taken aback by this response that she was able to move on without taking responsibility.  

     Personal example 2: In one particular relationship I had with a young man I met while doing ministry (long before I was married), this guy was over-the-top with his sexual innuendoes and references to us being married.  He had emotionally taken me on a ride, but he was becoming distant, and I really needed to know where I stood.  I told him how I felt, and asked his intentions.  He denied ever being interested in me at all, and then told me, "God is Sovereign."  When I brought up the various ways he had communicated much more that friendship to me, he just stuck with "God is Sovereign."  Well, thank you, Mr. Theologian!  By stating a truth about God (that He is Sovereign) he was denying any responsibility for his words and actions, and placing it at God's feet, since God is Sovereign.  He used a true statement to avoid taking responsibility.  He knew I couldn't disagree with the idea of God being Sovereign, so he figured that would let him off the hook for his sin.  

     Personal example 3: One mission trip I served on had me in Zambia, Africa for six weeks.  One of my teammates was a very manipulative young woman.  She nitpicked everything I said or did, constantly.  If I ever reacted in any way or even asked her to stop, she would have a fit and make it my fault.  Because no one wanted to deal with that, I was expected to just allow her to mistreat me, and if I didn't, I was the bad one in everybody else's eyes.  She started fights about everything.  Literally anything was fuel for an argument.  One particular time, she criticized how I was peeling potatoes.  I told her that if she didn't like the way I was doing it, she could do it herself . She replied, "No!  I want you to do it, but I want you to do it the way I say!"  No subtlety there as to her agenda!  I stood up and met her gaze.  "Look!" I said, but she screamed and ran away before I could say more.  She went into hysterics, involving everyone in the house.  She accused me of trying to stab her with the knife I had been using (and it was just a butterknife!).  This led to a huge lecture to me (not her) from our host missionary family (who were Zambian nationals) about how we all needed to learn to love each other more.  That sounded like a very spiritual idea, but that was spiritually bypassing the fact that she had criticized me and bullied me when I was minding my own business helping get dinner ready.  No one was talking about that.  And in this case, you'll notice that the perpetrator didn't even do the bypassing, but our host missionary did.  Sometimes, leaders don't want or know how to solve problems, so they just give an easy answer that sounds spiritual, and this, too, is spiritual bypassing.  

     My time that summer (and the way authority figures dealt with this) really reminds me of a humorous but telling short scene from the Peanuts special Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown.  Pictured below is a still from the scene.  You can watch the two-minute scene here.  As you do, notice the way Peppermint Patty criticizes Charlie Brown, how he tries to ignore her and put up with it for a while, and and how, when he finally responds to her, they both get in trouble.  This is a perfect example of how this teammate got me into trouble all summer.  It got to the point that I stopped speaking unless I had to.  Really do watch this short scene, because it rally illustrates what I'm talking about, but after you do, return!  I'm not done!  I haven't heard your stories (please share!), and I haven't given you the solution yet!  If you want to wait until the end to watch it, I'll also put the link at the bottom of this post.  

     Family member's example:  Remember how I said spiritual bypassing can be done more innocently?  Even when that is the case, it is just as hurtful.  When my little sister was a child in our church's AWANA club, she had recited a lot of verses and earned "AWANA bucks."  This was pretend money children could use at the "AWANA store" to buy toys, books, candy, and other fun things.  They had the store every few weeks.  One particular night of the AWANA store, my sister had all her hard-earned dollars.  Another little girl showed up, who hadn't remembered to bring hers.  She was upset (understandably), but instead of just telling her to keep saving up for the next store night, one of the well-intentioned teachers made my sister give this girl her money to buy something.  The teacher told my sister that if she did, she'd get treasures in Heaven.  This other little girl took total advantage of the situation, and used all of my sister's money, so my sister (who had learned all those verses and rightfully earned those AWANA bucks, and been responsible enough to remember to bring them for store night) didn't get anything.  The teacher just appeared to be pleased to have taught my sister to do a kind deed.  I believe the teacher's heart was right, but her brain was truly missing!  She spiritualized the situation by telling my sister that she'd get treasures in Heaven, and the other little girl was given free reign to take advantage, rather than take responsibility that she had forgotten to bring her AWANA bucks.  Christian teachers and leaders must guard against this kind of spiritual bypassing.  It is very hurtful to the victim.  

     How have you been spiritually bypassed?  I'd love to hear your stories and examples.

     Some other quick examples are people using phrases like, "You need to take the plank out of your own eye!"  (this is a reference to Matthew 7:5, where Jesus urges people to make sure their lives are right before they try to help someone else with their problems), "You need to love your neighbor more!"  "Don't judge."  "We're all sinners."  "We all need God's grace."  "Nobody's perfect."  or many other phrases.  Some might involve God Himself by saying, "Well, God called me to such and such," so you're set up to blame the Almighty instead of the person!  That's covering their bases!  On one particular mission trip, I had a sweet teammate whose only real fault was laziness.  I ended up doing the bulk of the work.  When I asked for help, she would say God hadn't called her to do this or that.  Really?  God called her to go on this trip, but didn't call her to do any of the work?  How convenient!

     A more sinister example might be someone claiming God told them something that He did not in order to manipulate you.  A woman once told me God had told her a secret about me (note that this was right after I had put down a boundary with her, not allowing her to manipulate me.  How interesting God should choose to tell her a secret about me right then!--note my sarcasm!).  

     On the whole, though, many of these phrases I've mentioned are true statements, some taken directly out of the Bible, and in their proper context, there is nothing in the world wrong with them.  They're only wrong when used out of context to avoid dealing with a real problem.  

     Is spiritual bypassing a made-up modern psychological problem?  No.  There were examples in scripture of people misusing truth to avoid taking responsibility.  A few examples come to mind.  In Genesis 3, when God confronted Adam of his sin of eating the forbidden fruit, Adam did a little spiritual bypassing with God!  In verse 12, Adam says, The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.  (Bold, underlined emphasis mine).  He was trying to avoid blame by reminding God that He put the woman there.  Hmm.  That didn't work so well for Adam.  

     Several chapters (and generations) later in Genesis, we have the story of Jacob and Esau.  In order to steal Esau's blessing, Jacob disguises himself like his twin brother to fool his blind and aging father Isaac (chapter 27).  But Isaac is no fool.  He questions several times if this is really Esau.  Among other things, he asks how he had gotten the food for him so quickly (as he had sent Esau out to hunt for a savory meal).  Jacob spiritually bypasses Isaac's misgivings by telling him in verse 20, The Lord your God gave me success.  Bringing God into it is supposed to satisfy Isaac, which is bypassing.  This led to family strife and changed the trajectory of Jacob's life!  

     King Saul was a spiritual bypasser.  In First Samuel 15, he disobeys God's command to wipe out the Amalekites, keeping their king Agag and several of the animals alive.  When confronted by Samuel, Saul starts the conversation by blatantly saying The Lord bless you! I have carried out the Lord’s instructions.  (verse 13).  Like Jacob in Genesis 27, he uses the Lord's name to lie, to bypass his own sin.  When Samuel refuses to accept Saul's lie, Saul blames others.  In verse 15, and again in verse 20, he blames other people for his failure to fulfill God's command.  Yet verse 9 specifically puts this as Saul's decision, so we know his explanation is another lie.  In verse 15, the reason he gives for keeping the animals was to sacrifice to the Lord.  Spiritual-sounding reasons for disobedience.  More bypassing.  In verse 20, he is still blatant enough to say that he did obey the Lord!  It isn't until verse 24 that he acknowledges his sin, but even then, he continues to blame others.  In verse 30, he acknowledges his sin again, and his true colors show, because he begs Samuel, But please honor me before the elders of my people and before Israel; come back with me, so that I may worship the Lord your God.  Saul only really cared about being honored in front of others.  But he bypasses this by saying he wants to worship the Lord.  

     The Pharisees were major spiritual bypassers in their interactions with Jesus.  There are many examples in the gospels, but I'll just share one instance for the moment.  In John 8, they had a confrontation with Christ.  Jesus bested them, but they didn't want to face it.  In verse 32, Jesus makes the oft-quoted statement that the truth sets us free.  Rather than acknowledging that they needed to be set free, the Pharisees bypassed their need by saying in verse 33, We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?  They weren't asking out of a real desire to know.  They were bypassing.  Jesus goes on to explain that sin has enslaved them, but they reiterate in verse 39, Abraham is our father.  When Jesus very logically points out that they are not behaving like Abraham, they change their story more and say, The only Father we have is God himself (verse 41).  Again, Jesus pulls their cover and tells them that they are not exemplifying someone who is God's child.  They still can't face the truth about themselves, so they spiritually bypass again and tell Jesus in verse 48 that He is demon-possessed (and reiterate this accusation in 52)!  The encounter ends with the Pharisees trying to kill Jesus, but Him evading their clutches for the time being.  These men were spiritually bypassing the truth Jesus was trying to give them.  

     Later in the New Testament, we get a hypothetical picture of spiritual bypassing in James 2:15-16.  The example is given that a fellow believer is needy, and instead of doing your Christian duty, you just tell them to be blessed.  As verse 16 concludes, what good is that?  Encouraging them to be well and good is spiritually bypassing what God is actually calling you to do for this fellow Christian.  It fails to exemplify true faith.   

     Jesus makes it very clear that spiritual bypassing doesn't have a good result for us.  In Matthew 7:21, He warns, Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven... Some people who pray and talk about the Lord and say spiritual things may not really be saved, because, like the Pharisees in John 8, they failed to see their need of salvation and embrace Christ as Savior.  Matthew 7 continues in verse 22 saying, Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’  These people said and did all sorts of spiritually-sounding things, but they bypassed the truth.  Here is what Jesus will say to them, I never knew you.  (verse 23).  These people were never really saved.  They spiritually bypassed salvation.  While many people who spiritually bypass might not really be saved (as evidenced by this passage), some actual Christians have also gotten into spiritual bypassing.  They haven't bypassed salvation, but they bypass the truth of God's conviction in their lives as believers, and they don't grow in grace.  They don't fulfill God's purpose for them.  In this case, Jesus won't say He never knew them, but they will not have any treasures in Heaven.  First Corinthians 3:15 says these people yet will be saved--even though only as one escaping through the flames.  Salvation isn't lost, but their heavenly rewards are.  Don't bypass the truth.  Face it.  Listen to it.  Align your life and actions with it.  Agree with God.  

     What are we to do with spiritual bypassing, both in our lives and in the lives of those around us?  King David gives us some good advice about that.  In Second Samuel 11, David committed adultery, then committed murder to cover it up.  In chapter 12, Samuel's faithful prophet friend Nathan came to confront him.  After Nathan finished speaking, David's only response was I have sinned against the Lord. (verse 13).  Unlike King Saul, David made no excuse for his sin.  He acknowledged it, and was able to experience forgiveness (verse 14).  We see a contrite heart and example in Psalm 51 (written by David after this event).  After asking for God's mercy in verses 1-2, David goes on in verse 3-4 to say, For I know my transgression, and my sin is ever before me.  Against you, and you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.  He is humble and sincere in admitting his sin to God, and repenting.  He isn't making excuses.  He doesn't minimize it.  He calls it evil.  He isn't using spiritual-sounding words to bypass dealing with this.  He is honest with himself and with God. In fact, verse 6 says, Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being...  According to King David, the way to avoid spiritual bypassing is to be honest with yourself, others, and God.  When you are wrong, admit it, and make it right as soon as possible!  If you are keeping short accounts with God and others, you won't have an ego to bruise when you're confronted, and you won't need to resort to spiritual bypassing to manipulate others!

     What if you are being spiritually bypassed by someone else?  Follow Jesus' example of John 8.  This might be a good passage to study and meditate on.  Jesus kept His story straight, even when the Pharisees kept changing theirs.  He stated truth, regardless of their response.  He used logic.  He wasn't unkind, but He didn't back down.  A good example of someone more recently doing this is the founder of the Recovering Alumni website in his correspondence with the ministry leader who kept accusing him of gossip and slander.  In that instance, after a while, the ministry leader just stopped responding.  It appears that he didn't really have answers.  You won't win everyone over, but you might win some (some Pharisees later ended up as Christians, including the Apostle Paul).  Not only that, but you can avoid being manipulated by those who want to spiritually bypass.  

     Remember what Jesus said.  The truth will set you free!  

You can watch the two-minute scene from Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown here.

The link to the Recovering Alumni website is here.

How I *knew*!

     My first date with my soon-to-be husband was so telling.  I was at a point in my life that I was in my early 30's, a homeowner, college graduate, teacher, and former (and future) missionary.  I had been through some frustrating relationships with men.  I had even been proposed to a few times, but hadn't met that right one.  I was frustrated with the dating world.  I could write volumes about that, but it isn't my purpose here.  

     One thing that bears explaining is one of the biggest hurts I had experienced in ministry.  It was that problem-solving in ministry is far inferior to the way secular institutions solve them.  As someone who has worked in both ministry and secular jobs, I can attest that by far, secular organizations are much more professional in the way they treat their workers and deal with issues.  

     I have experienced so much spiritual bypassing in ministry.  An example would be, let's say Party A does something very inappropriate to Party B while they serve together. Party B confronts Party A, and their response is, "Take the plank out of your own eye!"  Notice Party A isn't even acknowledging the legitimacy of the confrontation.  They're using scripture to turn the tables on the other person and avoid taking personal responsibility.  They're making it "wrong" for Party B to put down a boundary.  I have seen and experienced this SO much, and no one ever wants to address it.  Some of my experiences with this have involved spiritual and sexual abuse, and yet leaders want to spiritually bypass.  On the contrary, in secular jobs, these passive-aggressive games haven't worked for the Party A people I've dealt with.  While I was thankful for better resolutions, the contrast left me frustrated.  As a committed Christian, I had to wonder why those of us who are indwelt by the very Spirit of God seem the least able to deal righteously with wrongdoers in our midst?  

     Other spiritual bypassing statements I've had said to me by fellow Christians have been, "Don't judge."  "You need to forgive." "Satan is using you to attack me!" Or the person just made excuses for the sin. I was often shamed for just wanting the right thing done.  I had decided that any man I married had to have the discernment to see through this, and couldn't blindly follow abusive leaders.  

     This now brings me to my first date with Walter.  Walter and I were chatting, and I found out he knew a pastor I had dealt with in ministry.  This particular pastor was (I assume still is) an excellent Bible teacher.  Unfortunately, he also treated people badly, and was a major spiritual bypasser in my past.  This man had very publicly humiliated me at a camp I did ministry at (he was called in to lead devotions).  He told everyone that it is always sinful to confront others, and if anything unpleasant ever happened to you, it was really your fault.  Can you see how fallacious that is?  That would mean a small child who was abused was really at fault.  Obviously not true.  This is also completely unbiblical.  Jesus confronted sin, and in Matthew 18, He gave an outline for how we should confront others who sin.  I could see this pastor was setting himself above accountability by not allowing anyone to confront him or anyone else, which is a misuse of power.  When this pastor finished his talk, he asked if anyone had a question.  As politely as I could, I questioned the logic of his statements, and he came unglued at me.  For someone who allegedly doesn't believe in confrontation, he angrily blamed me in front of everyone!  What got to me the most was that everybody else seemed in awe of him, and agreed with everything he said.  They were under his spell.  More accurately, they were drinking the Kool-aid.  This was one of several ministry hurts I experienced that led me to temporarily leave fulltime ministry employment while I healed up and got more professional experiences.  I was still completely walking with the Lord, active in church, and volunteering with several ministries.  I just wasn't paid full time for doing ministry.  

     So here I was, at my first date with this man I had deeply connected with.  I find out that, during the same time that pastor had humiliated me, Walter was a congregant of his church (he wasn't by the time we met, though)!  Did Walter also practically worship this angry man?  I felt that if he did, I couldn't go any further with him.  I needed a husband who could stand on the truth.  

     "Well," I stammered, a little nervous about how this would go, "How did you like pastor so-and-so?"  I braced myself for hearing him sing this man's praises.

     Instead,this mature Christian man who had already touched my heart secured it forever by replying, "Oh, he's a jackass!"  

     I burst out laughing.  I always tell Walter, "You had me at jackass!"  

     This might sound kind of odd for a future missionary couple to be brought together by the man calling a pastor a jackass.  We don't condone pastor-bashing (or anyone-bashing), and that wasn't the intent in Walter's comment.  He was showing me he had the discernment to see beyond externals.  John 7:24 says, Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.  I believe that was what Walter was doing (and was I was doing by drawing those conclusions about the pastor after hearing his unbiblical teachings against confrontation).  I knew I could trust Walter to be about the truth, not just what was popular.  I also knew he would listen and believe me, rather than shaming me when I voiced concerns.  I had met a man who pursued righteousness, and wasn't afraid to call out anything less.  

     Over the years, I have experienced complete support from my husband, and have seen him take a stand for what was right on multiple occasions.  I have seen him reflect God's love and protection of me in a way no one else ever has.    I love you, Walter!  Happy anniversary!

Our 7th anniversary dinner. Sauced restaurant, Little Rock, Arkansas December 19, 2022

Going Through the Motions

      What would you think of someone who works hard for the kingdom of God, is patient, loves righteousness and hates evil, has the discernment to disprove those who falsely claim to be Christians, and is perseverant?  Sounds like a pretty high quality Christian, doesn't it?  Maybe these traits describe you.  If someone had all these attributes, could God really hold anything against them?  Well, according to Revelation 2:4, yes.

     The church at Ephesus had the great track record described above.  In Revelation 2:2-3, the Lord said of them, I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:  And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.  Sounds like they were really faithful Christians, very committed to the faith.  And yet, verse 4 points out a problem they had, in spite of all the good: Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.  

     Wow, this church was really doing some great things for God, and yet they had left their love of God behind.  They were going through the motions, but their heart for Him wasn't part of it.  This just goes to show how it is easy to engage in righteous deeds for God without really taking that time to connect with Him.  What is the cure for this kind of inconsistency?  The very next verse (Revelation 2:5a) gives us that: Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works...  

     I remember many years ago, shortly before I turned fifteen years old, our pastor preached a message about this passage.  He talked about how God was essentially saying to this church, "Hey, remember all the great times we had together?  Remember when you were first starting out in the faith, and you leaned on Me all the time?  Remember how I helped you have the courage to witness to someone?  Remember the victories we had together?  Let's do it again!"  The pastor then looked out at the congregation and asked, "Is this the closest you've ever been to the Lord, or have you been closer, but lost that first love?"  It was very convicting.

     I had a very good friend in high school who attended a very legalistic Bible college.  She became very hard and very confrontational.  She constantly accused me of imaginary sins that I had no idea of, and of being part of false movements I had never even heard of.  I no longer enjoyed this friendship, and was grieved to see this good friend become this way.  Because a lot of her confrontations were just her parroting things her professors were saying, without being her own real, thought-out convictions, she really wasn't able to defend them, and I literally won every debate we had.  I'm not even claiming to be a good debater.  I was just able to overturn her accusations with basic biblical responses, or questions of my own.  When she was bested in an argument (which was every time), she would say, "I am sorry.  I was wrong.  Forgive me."  Every one of her amends was almost exactly in those words every time, in a sort of monotone.  She wasn't reaching out in love to me as her long-time friend whom she had hurt.  She was just going through the motion of apologizing, to clear herself of wrongdoing, with no heart behind it.  And there was no change.  Within a week, she would have heard of some other new "movement" to accuse me of being part of, and the whole thing would happen over and over again.  Our relationship became robotic.  I got sick of her "apologies" because they weren't real.  I would much rather have had a real heart-to-heart with her about this stuff.  That is how our service for the Lord can be if we aren't cultivating our relationship with Him.  

     It is so easy to go through the motions of our faith and think we're doing well.  And in some respects, we are.  Obedience and doing right count for something in the believer's life.  They are far superior to living a worldly, ungodly life.  However, God wants more than that.  God wants a real relationship with us.  We aren't just commanded to obey the Lord.  We are commanded to Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind... (Luke 10:27).  Just going through the motions won't cut it.  And yet it can be so easy to fall into that, especially in ministry.  It can be so easy to do things for God that we don't make time to be with Him.  

     When I was in high school, I started being a summer missionary with the organization I now serve full-time with.   Their summer program was (still is) called Christian Youth in Action (CYIA).  I loved it.  I was surrounded by godly peers, and we were sharing Christ with children.  What could be better? Our local ministry director was a man named Mr. Bratton, who is now with the Lord.  He used to tell us that, even though we were studying our Bibles a lot in order to teach the children in our Bible Clubs, we shouldn't count our study time as our daily quiet time with the Lord.  He wanted to make sure we were still taking that time just for God, without it being part of our study time for ministry.  He really drilled into us how much we needed that time with just God and us.  He talked about how God would do things in us and through us--and there was a difference.  Sometimes, it can be easy to only focus on what God is doing through us, when our real focus needs to be on that relationship with Him--inward.  Mr. Bratton was so right.  There is a big difference between reading the Bible to encounter the Lord, and reading it to study for something I'm going to be teaching.  God wants that time with me!  

     Serving the Lord can be a very fast-paced life at times.  We can focus on all we're doing, instead of cultivating that relationship with God.  It's something any Christian can fall into.  Right now, we are doing a lot of Christmas ministry.  We have seen 13 children receive Christ as personal Savior this week.  What a joy and victory.  But that isn't the main thing God wants from us.  He wants us to get before Him, away from the busyness, and hear His voice, and love Him.  Today, I had a ministry-related errand, and I felt that sense of needing time with the Lord, so on the drive over, I sang my favorite hymns in the car, and thought about the Lord and what these songs were saying about Him.  My spirit felt that intimacy with God, and my perspective changed.  I'm not even a great singer, but I made a joyful noise, and I was worshiping Him.  That's all He was concerned with.  

     In Colossians 3:2, we are told to Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.  Even doing ministry can be "earthly things" if they become the day-to-day routine.  It can bog us down, and cause us to forget our first love--the "Why" behind our work.  Think about your pastor, missionaries you support, your Bible study leaders--anyone you know who serves the Lord (whether full-time or volunteer).  Just because they have that position doesn't make them a super-Christian!  They need that time with the Lord as much as anyone.  

     Don't fall "out of love" with Jesus.  If you need to get back to that first love, think about all Jesus has done for you, and worship Him.  Make Him the Lord and center of your daily decisions.  Remind yourself why you do what you do!  A quote I once read said, To renew your love for God, review His love for you!  Get alone with Him.  Read the Bible.  Seek God in prayer.  Sing praises to Him.  Remind yourself of all He has done for you.  We will never love God as much as He loves us, and we will never love God as much as we should this side of Heaven, but He knows, and helps us.  He loves us anyway.  First John 4:19 says, We love Him because He first loved us.  

     I'll close with a story that I love.  In John 21, the risen Lord appeared to His disciples while they were fishing.  In verse 15-17, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him.  Each time, Peter replied that yes, he loved Jesus.  It has been said that this was a parallel to the way Peter had denied Jesus three times before the crucifixion, and that it was basically Jesus reinstating Peter.  This is all true.  However, an even closer look reveals even more.  The first two times Jesus asked Peter if he loved Him, he used the Greek word agape, which is the greatest kind of unconditional love.  Peter replied that He loved Jesus, but the word Peter used was phileo, which is more of a friendship love.  The third time Jesus asked, he used the word phileo.  Jesus knew Peter loved Him as much as he was able, and He accepted what Peter was able to give.  Jesus met him where he was, and knew Peter would grow in that love.  One day, Peter would lay down his life for Jesus!  Our love for the Lord will never match His love for us, but He accepts what we give, and He helps it grow!  It's all of Him, and not of ourselves!  That's the biggest encouragement of all!  

     May the Lord bless your love for Him today!

God never forgets your hurts

      Do you ever get the feeling you're supposed to move on from something that happened, but you're not able?  I'm not talking about holding onto unforgiveness, but actually being unable to function in a situation because of unresolved problems.  Perhaps an example would help.

     Many years ago, I had a boss become very angry at me because of how I handled a situation (I also must note that I hadn't intentionally done wrong).  This boss did not approach me and give me a normal correction or even a professional reprimand.  Those things would have been acceptable.  I have had other bosses confront me professionally, and I was able to move forward from that, doing my job that much better.  But this boss tore into me, raging and attacking my character.  It was very shocking and hurtful.  In the moment, I froze.  Some people who should have backed me up chose not to do so (they were probably scared of getting their heads bitten off too!).  

     As soon as this boss' tirade was over, everyone just moved on like nothing had happened.  I was very shaken up, and couldn't just pretend it was normal between us.  This boss had damaged my trust, and yet then expected me to just act normal.  Whenever I knew I had to be around this person, I would become sick to my stomach, and afterward (even if nothing new happened) I would have anxiety that lasted several days.  I tried talking about it to my immediate supervisor, and he just said, "That happened a while ago.  You should be over it by now."  This made me wonder if I was being bitter or petty.  Was I in the wrong to still struggle and distrust this boss?  Was it "over" and I was the only one who wanted to cling to what happened?

     A lot of people act as if there's a time-limit of how long you're allowed to struggle with things.  While we do need to forgive (whether the person ever apologizes or not), we are incapable of continuing to interact with those who harm us if they have not made some sort of overtures of peace.   It is very unhealthy to pretend things are normal when there are unresolved issues festering beneath the surface.  Forgiveness is something we can choose to do, with or without the other party.  But acting and working in conjunction with that person is another story.  It's not "over" until it's "over."  If the person has damaged your trust, and is unwilling to make things right, you may need to remove yourself.  You shouldn't be in a situation where you pretend to be okay around those who hurt you.  Removing yourself isn't unforgiveness.  It is taking care of yourself--the only person you are ultimately responsible for.  

     I know people who have been wounded by their families, and then, the family members all expect the person to pretend it's all okay, and still happily show up at holiday celebrations.  Is the wounded party just mean and unforgiving if they choose not to?  

     Let's look at some biblical examples of this.  David was very close to King Saul at one time, but Saul's jealousy and bitterness got the better of him, and he threw his spear at David a few times (First Samuel 18:11; 19:10), and David fled.  He apparently gave Saul a few chances, but when David realized the danger, he confided in his best friend Jonathan, and left.  He didn't just say, "Well, Saul threw the spear at me, but it's over.  He isn't doing it right this second, so I need to get over it."  No!  There was an unresolved problem that Saul was demonstrating to David.  This problem wasn't going away, and it was a danger to David's life.  The only thing he could do at that point was leave.  

     After Elijah prophesied the drought in Israel (First Kings 17:1), God led him to hide from King Ahab (v 2-6), first by a brook, then with a widow in Zarepath (v 9ff).  God didn't lead him back to Ahab again until it was time for victory (First Kings 18).  It was right and good (and God-led) for Elijah to remove himself from a dangerous person.  

     When Jesus was on earth, He was very wise about how He interacted with the Pharisees, who hated Him.  They wanted to arrest Him, but we are told a few times in the Gospel of John that "His time had not yet come."  Jesus removed himself from these men until it was time for Him to willingly lay down His life for us.  He wasn't their victim.  He chose the time and place (or rather, submitted to the Father's will of the time and place).  He didn't just start each encounter with them as a blank slate and give them continued ammunition to use against Him.  He didn't say, "Well, yesterday the Pharisees were trying to attack me, but maybe today they suddenly became wonderful."  That's what many seem to think Christians should do, but that isn't the example we see in Jesus.  He was wise.  We often think about some of His other attributes, that He was loving, good, and merciful, which He was, but we must never forget He was also wise.  

     In Acts, we see the first Christians.  Like Jesus, they, too, were wise.  Some were called upon to lay down their lives, but they were not foolishly putting themselves in harm's way.  When Ananias was called by God to go to Saul of Tarsus, he was hesitant, and wanted to make sure God was actually telling him this before he did it (Acts 9:13-14).  Saul had been in league those who killed Stephen, and was persecuting the church.  Ananias was willing to obey God, but he wanted to be sure it really was God!  It would have been foolish to try to engage with Saul otherwise! 

     In spite of these biblical examples of people being careful or removing themselves from unresolved danger, many Christians I have met seem to act as if, the second something is in the past, we need to just erase it and treat the person on brand-new merits.  When everyone else wants you to let it go and forget what happened, what is God doing?  

     Isaiah 49:16 tells us, Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.  The Enduring Word Commentary explains: The walls refer to the walls of the city of Jerusalem, which figuratively speak of the health, the strength, the prosperity, and the security of God’s people. God is always mindful of the condition of His people, despite the objections of a doubting Zion.  God loves His people.  He never forgets us, or what happened to us, or how we feel.  Even as time moves on, God doesn't forget.  Even when we get over something, God never forgets it.  He will deal justly.  

     Rev 6:9-11 says, And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth?  And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.  These martyrs are tribulation saints.  They will be killed for their testimony of Jesus.  Even as perfect, and in Heaven, they still want God's justice against those who killed them.  This should tell us that it isn't a sin to want justice, or for God to deal with someone who hurt you.  That isn't the same as wishing ill will on them.  God's answer to the tribulation saints in Revelation was to rest a little longer, and then, all would be fulfilled.  God wants us to have rest from those who hurt us, and He will work it out in His good time.  

     Psalm 56:8 tells us You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.  God sees your hurt, and knows your disappointment.  He feels your pain, and cries for you.  He hasn't forgotten you, or what happened.  While others might tell you to just get over it, God is working out His perfect will for you.  Let Him minister to your spirit, and give you victory.  Then, release those who hurt you to Him.  God knows what's going on with them.  Maybe they are broken and need His healing too.  He can lovingly do that for them, but He also knows what you experienced, and will still make it right.  

     What are you to do?  First, acknowledge what happened, and come to terms with how it damaged you.  Journal about it.  Talk to God.  Talk to someone who will listen and help you sort it out.  I believe David did this in many of the Psalms, when he laments about interpersonal hurts (Psalm 42 and 55, to name a few).  Second, take necessary action to resolve it.  Perhaps talking to the person would be beneficial.  Perhaps there is a chain of command you can go through to bring resolution.  If necessary, remove yourself, as those in the biblical examples above did.  For me, when it came to the situation with the hurtful boss, the first thing I did was try to talk with this person, with other people along as witnesses.  This boss came unglued and attacked my character again, and I had no choice but to stand up and walk away.  After that attempt, I distanced myself, and eventually got another job.  I had concluded I was not at my best in this working situation, and I couldn't continue.  In your situations, you need to decide for yourself what is best for you to do.  Third, as stated in the Revelation 6 passage, we are to rest and let God heal us.  He will do it.  

     There are a few things we are not to do.  First, we are not to try to get revenge.  That is God's job, and we are commanded not to do it ourselves (Deuteronomy 32:35).  But what is revenge, exactly?  Oxford Language Dictionary defines revenge as the action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands.  In other words, it is trying to settle the score.  If I were to disrespect that boss the way I was disrespected, that would be revenge.  On the other hand, talking it over with someone to try to deal with it would not have been revenge.  Going to another superior and reporting this boss' behavior would not have been revenge.  Respectfully confronting this boss would not have been revenge.  The right course of action depends on the situation, and on what you are led to do at the time.  As long as it's not done in a spirit of revenge, you're probably okay.  

     Another thing we should not do is hold a grudge.  But as with revenge, we need to examine what that means.  Again, we consult the dictionary, which defines a grudge as a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from past insult or injury.  Simply put, it is a more inverted sense of revenge.  If you are intentionally harboring hatred toward the person, and fueling the bad feelings, that is a grudge.  However, our emotions are tricky things.  Still struggling with the hurt is not the same as holding a grudge.  Feeling uncomfortable around the person is not the same as holding a grudge.  Not desiring to be close to the person is not a grudge.  Sometimes, staying away from the person and their influence is the best way not to keep the bad feelings alive!  Just because you don't "kiss and make up" doesn't mean you hate the person or are doing anything wrong to them.  Removing yourself, blocking them on social media, and just moving on with your life are acceptable, and should not be equated with holding a grudge.  Jesus said to pray for our enemies (Luke 6:27-28).  If you can do this, and honestly desire God's best for them, you are okay.  Your motives are pure.  You are not trying to bring the person down, or waste your own time hating them.  You just honestly have unresolved feelings.  That is okay!

    One more thing we should beware of falling into is getting other people on our side.  This is tricky, because if it is a case of actual abuse or severe mistreatment, then there is a very clear right and wrong side.  But even then, not everyone is going to agree with you, and trying to garner support can bring a lot of hurt from those who aren't in your corner.  And if it is a less extreme situation, you definitely don't want to get everyone taking sides.  Even though my boss genuinely wounded me, and was completely wrong and out of line, I would still consider it a less extreme situation.  It wouldn't have been right for me to stir up other people against this person.  It is right and good to have support from someone you trust.  It is right and good (and necessary) to be real about the situation.  Never pretend!  But also beware of trying to get everyone on your side against the other person.  Let God deal with him or her.  Get the support you need away from the situation.  Be careful even discussing it with mutual friends you share with the other person.  No matter what, it's not fair to that person to bad-mouth them to someone they also consider a friend (and if what the person did was downright evil or dangerous, then maybe you should question if the mutual friend is really someone you want to continue to be friends with, if they also support someone who would do that).  Find support elsewhere.  David ran from King Saul, but he didn't try to turn the kingdom against Him.  Jesus was real with the Pharisees, but He didn't start a smear campaign against them.  

     Do what you need to do, but remember that God loves you more than you can imagine.  He saw what happened.  Even if everyone is pretending that what you went through didn't happen, or "was't that bad," God knows.  He will minister to your soul, and deal justly.  I'm going to close with some words from author Toni Collier (founder of the ministry organization Broken Crayons Still Color) from the devotional book Overcomer, Defeating Anxiety and Abuse, Our hearts remember the pain.  And you know who else remembers the pain?  Our Heavenly Father does.  Often times, when we are in an abusive situation or circumstance, we hide or isolate because of shame.  We forget or simply don't know the words that David writes in Psalm 9:9 (ESV).  That "The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble."  God really does have our backs.  He really is a pillar of strength when we have none.  And not only that, but He sees you when you're in trouble, when you've been oppressed and abused and when your worth feels like it's numb...There is a God that's weeping with you and sorrowful over the darkness in our world.  And, He's surely not happy this has happened to you.  Hold on to the promise of Psalm 9:9...God is a pillar of strength for you; He always has been.