How I *knew*!

     My first date with my soon-to-be husband was so telling.  I was at a point in my life that I was in my early 30's, a homeowner, college graduate, teacher, and former (and future) missionary.  I had been through some frustrating relationships with men.  I had even been proposed to a few times, but hadn't met that right one.  I was frustrated with the dating world.  I could write volumes about that, but it isn't my purpose here.  

     One thing that bears explaining is one of the biggest hurts I had experienced in ministry.  It was that problem-solving in ministry is far inferior to the way secular institutions solve them.  As someone who has worked in both ministry and secular jobs, I can attest that by far, secular organizations are much more professional in the way they treat their workers and deal with issues.  

     I have experienced so much spiritual bypassing in ministry.  An example would be, let's say Party A does something very inappropriate to Party B while they serve together. Party B confronts Party A, and their response is, "Take the plank out of your own eye!"  Notice Party A isn't even acknowledging the legitimacy of the confrontation.  They're using scripture to turn the tables on the other person and avoid taking personal responsibility.  They're making it "wrong" for Party B to put down a boundary.  I have seen and experienced this SO much, and no one ever wants to address it.  Some of my experiences with this have involved spiritual and sexual abuse, and yet leaders want to spiritually bypass.  On the contrary, in secular jobs, these passive-aggressive games haven't worked for the Party A people I've dealt with.  While I was thankful for better resolutions, the contrast left me frustrated.  As a committed Christian, I had to wonder why those of us who are indwelt by the very Spirit of God seem the least able to deal righteously with wrongdoers in our midst?  

     Other spiritual bypassing statements I've had said to me by fellow Christians have been, "Don't judge."  "You need to forgive." "Satan is using you to attack me!" Or the person just made excuses for the sin. I was often shamed for just wanting the right thing done.  I had decided that any man I married had to have the discernment to see through this, and couldn't blindly follow abusive leaders.  

     This now brings me to my first date with Walter.  Walter and I were chatting, and I found out he knew a pastor I had dealt with in ministry.  This particular pastor was (I assume still is) an excellent Bible teacher.  Unfortunately, he also treated people badly, and was a major spiritual bypasser in my past.  This man had very publicly humiliated me at a camp I did ministry at (he was called in to lead devotions).  He told everyone that it is always sinful to confront others, and if anything unpleasant ever happened to you, it was really your fault.  Can you see how fallacious that is?  That would mean a small child who was abused was really at fault.  Obviously not true.  This is also completely unbiblical.  Jesus confronted sin, and in Matthew 18, He gave an outline for how we should confront others who sin.  I could see this pastor was setting himself above accountability by not allowing anyone to confront him or anyone else, which is a misuse of power.  When this pastor finished his talk, he asked if anyone had a question.  As politely as I could, I questioned the logic of his statements, and he came unglued at me.  For someone who allegedly doesn't believe in confrontation, he angrily blamed me in front of everyone!  What got to me the most was that everybody else seemed in awe of him, and agreed with everything he said.  They were under his spell.  More accurately, they were drinking the Kool-aid.  This was one of several ministry hurts I experienced that led me to temporarily leave fulltime ministry employment while I healed up and got more professional experiences.  I was still completely walking with the Lord, active in church, and volunteering with several ministries.  I just wasn't paid full time for doing ministry.  

     So here I was, at my first date with this man I had deeply connected with.  I find out that, during the same time that pastor had humiliated me, Walter was a congregant of his church (he wasn't by the time we met, though)!  Did Walter also practically worship this angry man?  I felt that if he did, I couldn't go any further with him.  I needed a husband who could stand on the truth.  

     "Well," I stammered, a little nervous about how this would go, "How did you like pastor so-and-so?"  I braced myself for hearing him sing this man's praises.

     Instead,this mature Christian man who had already touched my heart secured it forever by replying, "Oh, he's a jackass!"  

     I burst out laughing.  I always tell Walter, "You had me at jackass!"  

     This might sound kind of odd for a future missionary couple to be brought together by the man calling a pastor a jackass.  We don't condone pastor-bashing (or anyone-bashing), and that wasn't the intent in Walter's comment.  He was showing me he had the discernment to see beyond externals.  John 7:24 says, Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.  I believe that was what Walter was doing (and was I was doing by drawing those conclusions about the pastor after hearing his unbiblical teachings against confrontation).  I knew I could trust Walter to be about the truth, not just what was popular.  I also knew he would listen and believe me, rather than shaming me when I voiced concerns.  I had met a man who pursued righteousness, and wasn't afraid to call out anything less.  

     Over the years, I have experienced complete support from my husband, and have seen him take a stand for what was right on multiple occasions.  I have seen him reflect God's love and protection of me in a way no one else ever has.    I love you, Walter!  Happy anniversary!

Our 7th anniversary dinner. Sauced restaurant, Little Rock, Arkansas December 19, 2022