Do you ever get the feeling you're supposed to move on from something that happened, but you're not able? I'm not talking about holding onto unforgiveness, but actually being unable to function in a situation because of unresolved problems. Perhaps an example would help.
Many years ago, I had a boss become very angry at me because of how I handled a situation (I also must note that I hadn't intentionally done wrong). This boss did not approach me and give me a normal correction or even a professional reprimand. Those things would have been acceptable. I have had other bosses confront me professionally, and I was able to move forward from that, doing my job that much better. But this boss tore into me, raging and attacking my character. It was very shocking and hurtful. In the moment, I froze. Some people who should have backed me up chose not to do so (they were probably scared of getting their heads bitten off too!).
As soon as this boss' tirade was over, everyone just moved on like nothing had happened. I was very shaken up, and couldn't just pretend it was normal between us. This boss had damaged my trust, and yet then expected me to just act normal. Whenever I knew I had to be around this person, I would become sick to my stomach, and afterward (even if nothing new happened) I would have anxiety that lasted several days. I tried talking about it to my immediate supervisor, and he just said, "That happened a while ago. You should be over it by now." This made me wonder if I was being bitter or petty. Was I in the wrong to still struggle and distrust this boss? Was it "over" and I was the only one who wanted to cling to what happened?
A lot of people act as if there's a time-limit of how long you're allowed to struggle with things. While we do need to forgive (whether the person ever apologizes or not), we are incapable of continuing to interact with those who harm us if they have not made some sort of overtures of peace. It is very unhealthy to pretend things are normal when there are unresolved issues festering beneath the surface. Forgiveness is something we can choose to do, with or without the other party. But acting and working in conjunction with that person is another story. It's not "over" until it's "over." If the person has damaged your trust, and is unwilling to make things right, you may need to remove yourself. You shouldn't be in a situation where you pretend to be okay around those who hurt you. Removing yourself isn't unforgiveness. It is taking care of yourself--the only person you are ultimately responsible for.
I know people who have been wounded by their families, and then, the family members all expect the person to pretend it's all okay, and still happily show up at holiday celebrations. Is the wounded party just mean and unforgiving if they choose not to?
Let's look at some biblical examples of this. David was very close to King Saul at one time, but Saul's jealousy and bitterness got the better of him, and he threw his spear at David a few times (First Samuel 18:11; 19:10), and David fled. He apparently gave Saul a few chances, but when David realized the danger, he confided in his best friend Jonathan, and left. He didn't just say, "Well, Saul threw the spear at me, but it's over. He isn't doing it right this second, so I need to get over it." No! There was an unresolved problem that Saul was demonstrating to David. This problem wasn't going away, and it was a danger to David's life. The only thing he could do at that point was leave.
After Elijah prophesied the drought in Israel (First Kings 17:1), God led him to hide from King Ahab (v 2-6), first by a brook, then with a widow in Zarepath (v 9ff). God didn't lead him back to Ahab again until it was time for victory (First Kings 18). It was right and good (and God-led) for Elijah to remove himself from a dangerous person.
When Jesus was on earth, He was very wise about how He interacted with the Pharisees, who hated Him. They wanted to arrest Him, but we are told a few times in the Gospel of John that "His time had not yet come." Jesus removed himself from these men until it was time for Him to willingly lay down His life for us. He wasn't their victim. He chose the time and place (or rather, submitted to the Father's will of the time and place). He didn't just start each encounter with them as a blank slate and give them continued ammunition to use against Him. He didn't say, "Well, yesterday the Pharisees were trying to attack me, but maybe today they suddenly became wonderful." That's what many seem to think Christians should do, but that isn't the example we see in Jesus. He was wise. We often think about some of His other attributes, that He was loving, good, and merciful, which He was, but we must never forget He was also wise.
In Acts, we see the first Christians. Like Jesus, they, too, were wise. Some were called upon to lay down their lives, but they were not foolishly putting themselves in harm's way. When Ananias was called by God to go to Saul of Tarsus, he was hesitant, and wanted to make sure God was actually telling him this before he did it (Acts 9:13-14). Saul had been in league those who killed Stephen, and was persecuting the church. Ananias was willing to obey God, but he wanted to be sure it really was God! It would have been foolish to try to engage with Saul otherwise!
In spite of these biblical examples of people being careful or removing themselves from unresolved danger, many Christians I have met seem to act as if, the second something is in the past, we need to just erase it and treat the person on brand-new merits. When everyone else wants you to let it go and forget what happened, what is God doing?
Isaiah 49:16 tells us, Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me. The Enduring Word Commentary explains: The walls refer to the walls of the city of Jerusalem, which figuratively speak of the health, the strength, the prosperity, and the security of God’s people. God is always mindful of the condition of His people, despite the objections of a doubting Zion. God loves His people. He never forgets us, or what happened to us, or how we feel. Even as time moves on, God doesn't forget. Even when we get over something, God never forgets it. He will deal justly.
Rev 6:9-11 says, And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth? And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellowservants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled. These martyrs are tribulation saints. They will be killed for their testimony of Jesus. Even as perfect, and in Heaven, they still want God's justice against those who killed them. This should tell us that it isn't a sin to want justice, or for God to deal with someone who hurt you. That isn't the same as wishing ill will on them. God's answer to the tribulation saints in Revelation was to rest a little longer, and then, all would be fulfilled. God wants us to have rest from those who hurt us, and He will work it out in His good time.
Psalm 56:8 tells us You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. God sees your hurt, and knows your disappointment. He feels your pain, and cries for you. He hasn't forgotten you, or what happened. While others might tell you to just get over it, God is working out His perfect will for you. Let Him minister to your spirit, and give you victory. Then, release those who hurt you to Him. God knows what's going on with them. Maybe they are broken and need His healing too. He can lovingly do that for them, but He also knows what you experienced, and will still make it right.
What are you to do? First, acknowledge what happened, and come to terms with how it damaged you. Journal about it. Talk to God. Talk to someone who will listen and help you sort it out. I believe David did this in many of the Psalms, when he laments about interpersonal hurts (Psalm 42 and 55, to name a few). Second, take necessary action to resolve it. Perhaps talking to the person would be beneficial. Perhaps there is a chain of command you can go through to bring resolution. If necessary, remove yourself, as those in the biblical examples above did. For me, when it came to the situation with the hurtful boss, the first thing I did was try to talk with this person, with other people along as witnesses. This boss came unglued and attacked my character again, and I had no choice but to stand up and walk away. After that attempt, I distanced myself, and eventually got another job. I had concluded I was not at my best in this working situation, and I couldn't continue. In your situations, you need to decide for yourself what is best for you to do. Third, as stated in the Revelation 6 passage, we are to rest and let God heal us. He will do it.
There are a few things we are not to do. First, we are not to try to get revenge. That is God's job, and we are commanded not to do it ourselves (Deuteronomy 32:35). But what is revenge, exactly? Oxford Language Dictionary defines revenge as the action of inflicting hurt or harm on someone for an injury or wrong suffered at their hands. In other words, it is trying to settle the score. If I were to disrespect that boss the way I was disrespected, that would be revenge. On the other hand, talking it over with someone to try to deal with it would not have been revenge. Going to another superior and reporting this boss' behavior would not have been revenge. Respectfully confronting this boss would not have been revenge. The right course of action depends on the situation, and on what you are led to do at the time. As long as it's not done in a spirit of revenge, you're probably okay.
Another thing we should not do is hold a grudge. But as with revenge, we need to examine what that means. Again, we consult the dictionary, which defines a grudge as a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from past insult or injury. Simply put, it is a more inverted sense of revenge. If you are intentionally harboring hatred toward the person, and fueling the bad feelings, that is a grudge. However, our emotions are tricky things. Still struggling with the hurt is not the same as holding a grudge. Feeling uncomfortable around the person is not the same as holding a grudge. Not desiring to be close to the person is not a grudge. Sometimes, staying away from the person and their influence is the best way not to keep the bad feelings alive! Just because you don't "kiss and make up" doesn't mean you hate the person or are doing anything wrong to them. Removing yourself, blocking them on social media, and just moving on with your life are acceptable, and should not be equated with holding a grudge. Jesus said to pray for our enemies (Luke 6:27-28). If you can do this, and honestly desire God's best for them, you are okay. Your motives are pure. You are not trying to bring the person down, or waste your own time hating them. You just honestly have unresolved feelings. That is okay!
One more thing we should beware of falling into is getting other people on our side. This is tricky, because if it is a case of actual abuse or severe mistreatment, then there is a very clear right and wrong side. But even then, not everyone is going to agree with you, and trying to garner support can bring a lot of hurt from those who aren't in your corner. And if it is a less extreme situation, you definitely don't want to get everyone taking sides. Even though my boss genuinely wounded me, and was completely wrong and out of line, I would still consider it a less extreme situation. It wouldn't have been right for me to stir up other people against this person. It is right and good to have support from someone you trust. It is right and good (and necessary) to be real about the situation. Never pretend! But also beware of trying to get everyone on your side against the other person. Let God deal with him or her. Get the support you need away from the situation. Be careful even discussing it with mutual friends you share with the other person. No matter what, it's not fair to that person to bad-mouth them to someone they also consider a friend (and if what the person did was downright evil or dangerous, then maybe you should question if the mutual friend is really someone you want to continue to be friends with, if they also support someone who would do that). Find support elsewhere. David ran from King Saul, but he didn't try to turn the kingdom against Him. Jesus was real with the Pharisees, but He didn't start a smear campaign against them.
Do what you need to do, but remember that God loves you more than you can imagine. He saw what happened. Even if everyone is pretending that what you went through didn't happen, or "was't that bad," God knows. He will minister to your soul, and deal justly. I'm going to close with some words from author Toni Collier (founder of the ministry organization Broken Crayons Still Color) from the devotional book Overcomer, Defeating Anxiety and Abuse, Our hearts remember the pain. And you know who else remembers the pain? Our Heavenly Father does. Often times, when we are in an abusive situation or circumstance, we hide or isolate because of shame. We forget or simply don't know the words that David writes in Psalm 9:9 (ESV). That "The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." God really does have our backs. He really is a pillar of strength when we have none. And not only that, but He sees you when you're in trouble, when you've been oppressed and abused and when your worth feels like it's numb...There is a God that's weeping with you and sorrowful over the darkness in our world. And, He's surely not happy this has happened to you. Hold on to the promise of Psalm 9:9...God is a pillar of strength for you; He always has been.
No comments:
Post a Comment